“Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”
Since we’d already talked about some of the most intimate details of my life, I couldn’t imagine what might be off-limits. “Sure.”
“How do you feel about Nex?”
I felt a little breathless as I forced out a laugh. “Wow. You don’t hold back, do you?”
She grinned. “No, I don’t. But of course you can tell me to mind my own business.”
“Nex is amazing,” I said without hesitation. “I’ve never met anyone quite like him.”
“What do you mean?”
I shrugged before reaching for my now-cold espresso. “I guess I’m not used to people doing nice things for me without expecting something in return. And Nex has. He’s been so generous and…” My voice trailed off when I realized I was gushing about the man.
“That’s our Nex. I have to admit, I’ve never seen him like this with a woman before though. I always hoped that day would come and that I’d be here to see it, but I wasn’t sure.” At my questioning look, she said, “Don’t get me wrong, I like to think I’ll be around to see them all have babies of their own. They’re all like my own sons. But when my husband passed suddenly, I realized there are no guarantees in life, Jaci.”
“I’m sorry,” I said softly. “About your husband.”
“Thank you. But if I learned one thing from that experience, it was never to take a single day for granted. That’s why when Mac proposed the idea of opening this bakery together, I dipped into our retirement savings, the money we’d planned to use to travel, and said, ‘Let’s do it.’” She smiled. “Because I knew I wasn’t going to get very many more opportunities to realize a dream. You may think those chances come around a lot, but take it from someone who’s lived a long time, they don’t. That’s why you have to seize them when they do.”
“I understand.”
“Do you?” She looked at me intently for a minute. “Honey, your mama had a chance to live her life as she saw fit. She still has choices. This disease doesn’t have to define her unless she lets it. There are lots of people still living very productive lives with it, determined not to let it get the best of them. Your mother has that same choice.”
I wondered if my mother still saw it that way. She’d treated it like a death sentence, believing her body had betrayed her in the worst possible way. “I know you’re right, Mary.”
She leaned in, brushing the backs of her knuckles over my cheek. “I’m sure you’re a good daughter and a good person, Jaci. You don’t have to prove that to anyone.”
“Thank you.” With those few simple words, Mary had made me feel a kind of peace I hadn’t in a long, long time. Since before my mother’s diagnosis.
“You have the right to be happy, to decide for yourself what makes you happy.” She stood, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and squeezing as the scent of lavender enveloped me. “Don’t let anyone take that away from you, honey.”
Chapter Sixteen
Nex
I could tell Jaci was preoccupied as I watched her make dinner. She hadn’t said anything about her meeting with Mac, but I knew the decision was weighing heavily on her.
“You want to talk about it?” I asked finally, walking up behind her.
I kissed her neck as I watched her baste the roast beef with carrots and baby potatoes she’d prepared for dinner. She said she felt like comfort food when she asked if I had any preferences for dinner, so I told her whatever she wanted to make was fine with me.
“Did you know about Mac’s offer?”
Since I’d promised myself I would never lie to her, I said, “Yeah, I knew.”
“Did you have anything to do with it?”
I could tell by her clipped tone she thought I did. It was a logical assumption. It probably seemed to her the offer came out of nowhere, my last-ditch effort to get her to stay, and I was using my sister-in-law to do it.
I moved around to lean my back against the counter, giving me a better view of her face. “You think I’d try to manipulate you that way?”
She grimaced. “I don’t know what the hell to think, Nex.” She rubbed her forehead. “None of this makes any sense. Mac barely knows me. She’s tasted one thing I’ve prepared. I told her I have no business experience. I’m not a formally trained pastry chef or anything, just a novice who likes to experiment. Why wouldn’t she want someone… better?”
I frowned at her choice of words, and suddenly I got the feeling we weren’t just talking about Mac anymore. “Headache?” I asked. I could tell by her frown I hadn’t responded the way she’d expected me to. I was mad as hell, but I was trying to temper my response.
“A little.”
I reached for some pain reliever in the cabinet behind me, plopping them down on the counter before reaching into the fridge for a bottled water. After twisting the cap off, I handed it to her. “Take this, I hate to think of you in pain.”
“Thanks,” she said, staring at the plastic bottle in my hand, her face expressionless.
I waited until she’d taken two of the little white pills before I said, “So you don’t think you’re good enough for Mac… or me?”
Her head snapped up, her eyes colliding with mine.
“Jesus, Jaci.” I leaned back against the counter again, crossing my arms. It would be easy to ease her mind with passionate kisses, maybe a tryst in the bedroom, but for the first time in my life, I didn’t want to use sex to solve the problem. I wanted something deeper, more meaningful with her, and that meant facing our challenges head-on.
I could hear my brothers mocking me now, telling me how very evolved of me.
“Don’t you know every goddamn day I’m the one questioning whether I’m good enough for you?” When she continued to baste the damn meat, I led her away from the stove, needing to know I had her undivided attention for this conversation. “Talk to me. Tell me what your concerns are.”
“You’ve just got it all figured out, and I, well…” She took a deep breath. “I don’t. I thought I did, but I feel like a conflicted mess most of the time these days.”
I chuckled, drawing a frown from her. “I’ve got it all figured out?” I clutched my chest. “You’ve got it all wrong, baby. Ryker, he’s got it all figured out. Not me. He’s doing what he loves, making a boatload of money, got two great kids, and the woman he loves is wearing his ring. In my mind, it doesn’t get any better than that.” I could tell I’d surprised her. Hell, I’d surprised myself. I’d never coveted Ryker’s lifestyle until I met Jaci.
“Just look around you.” She bit her lip, her eyes swimming with tears. “You’ve got the beautiful home, fancy cars, degree, great job, supportive family. You know what you want.”
“You’re right, I do now. I couldn’t have said that six short months ago.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, staring at my chest instead of my face.
“I think you know what I mean. I want you, Jac. I may have all this,” I said, inclining my head. “But this is all just stuff. It could be gone tomorrow. A goddamn fire could sweep through here and burn it to the ground.”
“I hear what you’re saying.”
“Do you?” I tipped her chin. “Some things can’t be replaced. People can’t be replaced. My brothers, every one of them, are a pain in the ass sometimes, but there’d be a huge hole in my heart without any one of them. Mac, her mom. Those are the people who matter to me. I’ve got a circle of friends who matter to me, some who’ve led me astray sometimes,” I said, smirking, “but that was half of the fun.”
She smiled, nodding.
“And you, baby. You matter to me.” I wanted to touch her, to draw her into my arms, but I wanted to use my words to influence her this time, not my body.
“You matter to me too,” she whispered. Setting her hands on my chest, she said, “I’m sorry if I made it seem like I was accusing you of going to Mac on my behalf just to keep me here.”
“It was a legitimate concern. I probably wou
ld have jumped to the same conclusion if I were you.” After a long pause, I finally asked, “So have you decided if you’re going to take Mac up on her offer?”
“I need more time to think about it.”
I knew I had no right to be disappointed, but I was. I’d wanted to believe she’d jump at the opportunity to stay here and build a life with me. “Is that what you told Mac?”
She nodded. “She said it was fine, that she didn’t see things getting underway until the fall.”
The fall. Damn. I’d selfishly hoped if they decided to move forward with this, plans would commence immediately. “So you still plan to go back to Hartwell then?” I knew the tense set of my jaw revealed my displeasure, but I couldn’t help how I felt. I was frustrated. Confused. Scared.
“I have to, Nex.” She turned away from me, walking toward the kitchen window. Looking down on the pool and my manicured back lawn with steps leading down to the lake, she said, “Being here with you is like a dream come true. A fantasy. But it doesn’t feel like my life.”
“It could be, if you wanted it to be.” Now that I’d had a taste of what living with her would be like, I didn’t want her to move out. Ever.
“I have to go back to my real life, my old life. See if it still feels right to me, like the place where I belong.” She turned to face me before sinking into a chair, dropping her face in her hands.
I felt a twinge of guilt, knowing this wasn’t any easier for her than it was for me. She wasn’t trying to hurt me. She just was. “I guess you’ll do what you have to do then.” I crossed my arms, knowing my bad body language screamed defensiveness, but I couldn’t suppress the urge to try to protect myself from the possibility she could return from her hometown only to tell me it was over. That the summer helped her gain perspective and she’d decided that was where she belonged after all.
“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but please try to understand where I’m coming from,” she said, her eyes searching for a little understanding and compassion. I wished I could have given it, but it felt like my heart had already gone into self-preservation mode. “This was never supposed to be permanent, Nex. When I came here, I never expected to meet someone like you.”
“Someone like me?” I was fishing now and we both knew it, but I needed something to hold on to.
“Someone that I could really see a future with. Someone that I could fall in love with.”
Someone she could fall in love with. Not the same as saying she was already there. “But we did meet. We can’t pretend it didn’t happen. Does the timing suck?” I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know, maybe. Or maybe it’s perfect. I don’t know anything anymore. The one thing I do know is that I don’t want you to go.”
“I don’t want to go either,” she said, her voice sounding tortured. “You think I want to put either one of us through this hell? But isn’t it better to figure this stuff out now instead of a few years down the road?”
Was I supposed to be happy that she was mature enough to be rational, to think with her head instead of her heart? ’Cause I wasn’t. Not at all.
“Everything in my life has changed in the past month. I felt like I’ve veered off the course I set years ago. I need some time and perspective to figure out whether I even belong on that course anymore.”
“Sure, whatever.” I could almost hear Mary’s voice in my head admonishing me for acting like a petulant child instead of manning up and being the mature, supportive boyfriend Jaci needed me to be.
“Everything and everyone I’ve ever known and loved is back in Hartwell,” she said, obviously still desperate to make me understand. “When I came to Tampa, I wasn’t running away from that, just trying to get a little distance, to try something new so I wouldn’t have any regrets later on.”
I swallowed the bitterness that rose in my throat. “So I was just part of your little experiment. Is that what you’re saying?”
“You know it isn’t.” She covered her face with her hands. “Please, Nex. Don’t make this any harder than it already is.”
“You want me to make this easy for you?” I grabbed my wallet, keys, and cell phone off the counter. “Fine, I’ll make it easy for you.”
“Where are you going?”
“I need to get the hell out of here for a while. Get some of that space you keep going on about.”
Looking hurt, she gestured to the cooling casserole dish on the stovetop. “What about dinner?”
“I’m not hungry anymore. You eat it.” I knew I was being an asshole, but my mouth had a mind of its own, and my feet seemed content to follow the path straight out the door. Even when I heard her call after me, I kept walking.
***
Everything felt strained after our argument, and no matter how hard I tried, we couldn’t seem to bridge the gap to reclaim the intimacy we’d shared before. We talked. We shared a laugh over a meal once in a while. We made love. But it wasn’t the same as before, and before I knew it, it was time for her to leave. Exams were over. She was heading back to her other life. Leaving me behind, and given the distance between us, I had to wonder if she’d ever want to come back.
“Here,” I said, handing her the non-descript white envelope as she packed for the airport.
“What’s this?” she asked, turning it over with a frown.
“Payment for services rendered.” God, I hated how cold I sounded. But when I was at risk of being hurt, my defensive mechanism always prompted me to shut down completely.
The flash of hurt in her eyes told me I was an even bigger jerk than I thought I was. “I don’t want this,” she said, trying to hand it back to me. When I held my hands up, refusing to take it, she tossed it on the bed we’d been sharing for weeks.
“You did a great job. You deserve to get paid.”
“This was more than a job to me, and you know it,” she said, zipping her suitcase. “It may have seemed like that when I accepted your offer, but I was here because I wanted to be here. Anything I did for you, I did it because I wanted to, not because I was getting paid to do it.”
And she’d done so much for me. Going above and beyond by reorganizing my closets, cleaning out my kitchen cabinets and fridge, even arranging to have the junk in my garage hauled away when I mentioned I hadn’t had the time to deal with it.
I’d brought up the subject of her salary a couple of times over the past few weeks, wanting to give her the money I’d promised her, but she always waved it off, looking hurt and offended as she walked out of the room or changed the subject.
“At least let me drive you to the airport.” I needed to do something for her. It was killing me, believing I’d let things spiral so far out of control that she had no reason to want to come back. I knew if she wanted to continue her education, it would be easy for her to transfer to Georgia U. No good reason for her to come back here at all if she decided Hartwell was where she belonged.
“It’s okay. I called a cab. They should be here any minute.”
I lifted two of the heavy suitcases off the bed, wondering if I had the courage to state the obvious. “Looks you’ve packed everything you own.”
“Pretty much,” she said, reaching for her purse on the floor.
“I told you that you could leave some stuff here.” Please leave something here. Give me some reason to believe you’re coming home. To me.
“I know what you said.” She shrugged. “I just wasn’t sure if that offer still stood after, you know.”
I’d never hated myself more than I did in that moment. I’d screwed everything up, let my goddamn pride get in the way of the best thing that ever happened to me. “Listen to me,” I said, gripping her shoulders. I was desperate to make her believe I was sincere, that if I could, I’d hit rewind and live the last few weeks over again. “I know I’ve been an ass, and I’m sorry.” Not the most eloquent speech, but I was satisfied I got my point across.
She tried to smile, but her lips trembled. “You’re not the only one who’s been an a
ss, Nex. I have too.”
I shook my head. “No, this is all on me, baby. I was acting like an idiot, just ’cause I wasn’t getting what I wanted. But I wasn’t acting like that just because I’m a wilful bastard.” I leaned in, resting my forehead against hers. “I was acting that way because I’m scared to death of losing you.”
Her arms closed around me. I still didn’t feel like I could breathe, but it was a start. A sign of hope, and I desperately needed that right now.
“I know you don’t understand why I have to do this, but this is my life we’re talking about. I have to be sure I know what I’m doing.”
I couldn’t pretend it didn’t hurt to know she still had her doubts about a future with me when I had none, but she had every right to voice her concerns. I couldn’t begrudge her that. “I got you something,” I said, walking over to nightstand on what I now referred to as my side of the bed. She liked to sleep by the window while I preferred the side nearest the door. Her side. My side. A shared bed. A shared life. That’s what I wanted, and I hoped my gift would help her to realize that.
“What is this?” she asked, her hands trembling as she took the small velvet box from me.
“A gift, to let you know I’m sorry, that I’ll miss you every single day.” I raked an unsteady hand through my hair. “That I pray to God you’ll come back to me.”
She gasped when she opened the box to reveal a diamond trinity ring. Three perfect, equally sized diamonds. “I can’t take this,” she said, trying to hand it back to me. “It’s too much.”
I took the ring out of the box before tossing the box on the bed. “I want you to have this.” I lifted her right hand so there could be no confusion about my intentions. I loved her, but I would never try to sway her with a marriage proposal I knew she wasn’t ready for. That wouldn’t be fair to her. “I want you to think of me when you wear it.” I held the ring poised at the tip of her finger, not yet clearing the knuckle. “Think of how much I love you and what an incredible life we could have together.”
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