by Ali Parker
I stood in stony silence as realization washed over me. Telling Riley that I loved her wasn't enough to fix anything. Our lives weren't a fucking movie.
"Hey, buddy. Come on." Frank gave me a fatherly smile and extended his hand, palm up as he motioned for me to come down off the stage.
I couldn't move, couldn't breathe as I watched Clayton wrap a towel around Riley's shoulders and walk her back toward the studio. He'd set me up again, but this time, it hadn't been hard to do. Between the girl claiming I was her baby’s daddy, the viral YouTube video of me half-stripping at the club and the video of me and Deza kissing, I had one person to blame.
Myself.
"Ethan. Come down, okay? We can get-"
"Fuck off," I barked and glanced down to find Deza standing beside Frank, her eyes filled with concern. "I mean it."
I hopped off the side of the stage and ran my hands over my head as I followed after Clayton and Riley. The fury building inside of me needed an outlet, and if I were going to lose the one woman I loved, I was going to make sure to make a complete ass of myself in the process.
What the fuck did I care? She was a goner anyway.
My life was a joke. One dicked up scene after the next, played out on the big screen for the world to see. A sardonic laugh bubbled up inside of me. The fact that I thought opening my heart up and telling Riley that I loved her would solve anything was so typical of a fucked up love seen.
It was the moment of conflict-resolution.
Clayton glanced over his shoulder and gave me a cocky grin.
"I got yours, asshole." I continued to follow them languidly.
"Here. Change, and I'll take you home." Clayton opened the door to the studio and moved back as Riley walked through without ever glancing behind her. He closed the door and turned to face me. "You know as well as I do that Riley is too good of a woman to get wrapped up with you. It would never work."
"Well, fuck you very much for saving me the trouble of breaking her heart. Wait. You didn't. You forced me to do it in front of everyone she works with." I reached him and gripped the front of his shirt, punching him in the face three times before sweeping his legs out from under him.
"Ethan! Stop it!" I could hear Deza screaming somewhere in the background, but I ignored her.
Clayton's laughter filled up the air around me, and all I saw was red. I dropped down on top of him and swung until someone tried to pull me off. I got one good stomp on his balls before Frank growled in my ear.
"Stop it. You're turning into a monster."
"No, wrong old man." I jerked from him and turned to face the crew as they moved in behind him. "I've always been a monster. Fuck every one of you for standing by and letting this piece of shit spin his web." I pointed to Deza and narrowed my eyes. "And fuck you for giving him ammo."
I turned and walked to the parking lot, tears burning my eyes as rage raced through me. A black fuzziness sat around the edge of my vision, and I tried blinking it away, but it wasn't going anywhere.
Riley called out to me, but I ignored her. There was nothing left to say. She had to think things through.
"Well, great. Have fun thinking about what we could have been." I got in my car and slammed the door and devastation washed over me in great waves. I turned the oldies station on and cranked it up. Pulling out of the parking lot, I kept my eyes forward. There was no way I was looking back in my rearview and seeing her standing there.
She was everything I wanted in my life and so much more. I'd have given up my career, my money and every ounce of my freedom to belong to her.
But it wasn't enough. Quite simply because we didn't live in a movie, and happy endings didn't exist.
***
I glanced around the empty living room at my place, hating everything I'd picked out to decorate the white walls with. Memories blasted through me. So many good times with me and Deza cutting up and acting stupid. She'd saved me from myself and had been a mother, a sister, a best friend through everything I'd been through.
Why was I pushing her away now?
It wasn't like she'd staged the fucking kiss in front of Darren. She was hurting that day too and wanted to shove it in his big ugly face that she wasn't alone. She had me.
The hot ball of regret sitting at the back of my throat stung, and caused tears to well up in my eyes again. I hadn't cried off camera more than three times in my life, and I sure as fuck wasn't about to do it then.
A knock on the front door pulled me from my thoughts. I reached out and ran my hand over the back of my couch as I contemplated what to do. If it were Riley, I'd throw her over my shoulder and haul her off to the bedroom like a caveman, suffocating her with so much passion that she had no other conclusion to come to other than the one where I loved her.
And if it were Clayton?
I wished like hell I had a gun. That bastard deserved to lose a knee. I'd have to find a way to take him out without getting my hands bloody. Maybe killing him was extreme, but mauling him would work just as well.
"Ethan. Open the door, please."
Deza. She had to be screaming her little Mexican head off for me to hear her.
"I'm not here." I walked to the door and screamed back. "Ethan's on a permanent vacation. If you want to leave a message, don't. He's not interested."
"Open this door before I use my fucking key."
Fucking? Wow. She was a little emotional.
"Nope. And if you barge in, I'm naked, so good luck with that." I was so far past distraught that I had to lean on simply being me with a mask on. The guy everyone knew and loved. He'd become a part of me so long ago that I could access him and lean on him in times of trial and tribulation.
Times like now.
"Please, Ethan. I love you. Open the door."
I opened it and turned, walking back to the kitchen. "Had to use the fucking ‘L’ word, didn't you?”
"Yes. Because it's true." She closed the door behind her and walked in, following me in silence.
"Make yourself at home. Kick off your shoes. You want a drink?" I turned and walked backward, lifting my hands to the side as if I were waiting on her response. Like serving her was at the top of my to-do list.
"No. I'm fine. I'm just worried about you." She stopped by the breakfast bar and pressed her hands to it. "We can work all of this out."
"There's nothing to work out. I told her that I loved her and she walked." I shrugged and turned to walk to the fridge. "It's quite typical of women in my life. I mean, my mother didn't keep me. My foster family doesn't care. None of the women I've ever dated wanted anything but my dick and my money." I turned to face her as I popped the top on a beer. "Why would Riley be any different?"
"Because she is." Deza gave me a knowing look. "Don't do this. Mourn the loss of what you thought you had, cry and get it out and then go talk to her."
"Not happening." I downed the rest of the beer and moved closer. "And let me be very clear with you. Tell Frank that if Clayton Welms is on any set that I'm on in the future, I'm walking. Where you guys see the good side of him, all I see is the bad. He's trying to take me out, one nut at a time. He got one a few years ago, and he took another one this morning. I mean, for shit's sake, I'm basically a very masculine looking woman now."
"Stop it." She glanced down at her hands as a smile played at the edge of her mouth. She looked back up, all humor gone. "He's been fired. I don't know exactly what he did, but he's not the center of our film. You are. You were right. He's teaching, and you're still acting. You somehow won, and I'm not even sure you meant to."
"If he shows up at any time, I'm gone. Got it? I'm going to choke the life out of him and end up in jail if I'm around him again." I brushed my hand down my chest and forced a smile. "And you know what the boys in jail will do to me." I lifted an eyebrow. "Huge cock and a pretty white ass?"
"Oh God." She got up and walked around the counter, pulling me into a hug. "For what it's worth, I'm so sorry. I really do love you like family. I would neve
r do anything to hurt you. Not ever."
"I know." I wrapped my arms around her and pressed my cheek to the top of her head. "You think it's over with me and Riley?"
"Do you?" She moved back and glanced up, her expression soft and caring.
"I hope not." I took a shaky breath. "If it is, then I'm on my final call for love. I don't want anyone but her, and if this shit tanks... I'm done. For good."
Chapter 2
Riley
The look on Ethan's face haunted me as I drove home. Had I played into some sick game that Clayton was playing with the handsome playboy?
No. I knew what I was doing, and it seemed that Ethan did too. I needed him to tell me that he loved me, and he stumbled over it three different times before finally blurting it out in a last-ditch effort to appease me.
I knew what real love looked like. A sick smile lifted my lips. I'd seen it in the movies.
Tears burned my gaze as I reached up and ran my fingers down my sticky wet hair. Too much hair spray, which I hated anyway. Why had I let them doll me up?
Right. Because I belonged to them. They could do whatever they wanted to with me thanks to me signing on the dotted line, and all for what?
Fame? Adoring fans that really didn't know anything about me?
Ethan's attention?
No. None of those things seemed to matter as I pulled into the apartment complex that Charlotte and I were renting. Jace's truck was parked in a visitor spot, and I thought about turning my clunker around and heading to the cemetery.
I needed to apologize to my mom again. Maybe if I hadn't been off chasing what I thought was a good dream, I would have been there for her when she needed me most. I couldn't help but think that if I had been home and involved in her drama more, she might still be alive.
My brother Darek most certainly would. None of us wanted to get our hands dirty or end up shot in the head thanks to one of his drug-dealing friends. No one intervened, and he was dead. My mom had blamed herself since the day it happened, and I would blame myself for both of them now. I was the only one left.
Alone.
I forced myself to get out of the car and dragged myself up to the apartment, knowing that I looked like a soaked rat.
"Just hold it together until you can get into the shower." I straightened my shoulders and popped my key into the lock. "You got this."
"Hey." Charlotte turned and glanced over her shoulder from sitting on the couch. I was a little surprised to see Jace there seeing that our last encounter had been weird if nothing else. Charlotte stood as her voice tightened, her eyes widened. "What the hell happened to you? You look like you got caught in a rainstorm and saw a ghost."
"Ri?" Jace walked around her, the sound of his voice causing my walls to come crumbling down. We'd been friends and make-shift lovers since I was a girl. He was always there to catch me when I fell, and if he wasn't, Charlotte was.
A sob left me as I dropped my purse and pressed my hands to my face.
"Baby, what happened?" Jace pulled me into a warm hug, his arms so strong and thick, his smell so fucking familiar.
"Hey. Talk to us. Are you okay?" Charlotte moved up beside us and ran her hand down the back of my head. "Riley. You're scaring us. Tell me what happened."
I tried to catch my breath, but couldn't. Pressing into Jace's chest, I let myself go and cried loudly until I had nothing left to give. By the time I pulled myself together, Charlotte wasn't in the living room anymore, and Jace's t-shirt was soaking wet.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled and moved back, wiping at my face.
"There's nothing to be sorry about." He reached out and cupped the side of my face. "Do I need to go kill someone? If that fucker hurt you..."
"No. There's nothing to do about it. None of it." I walked around Jace and followed the sound of water running. "I just thought I meant something to him, but I don't."
"Don't what?" Charlotte glanced up from sitting on the side of the bathtub as I walked into our shared bathroom.
"Don't matter to Ethan." I closed the door behind me and stripped my clothes off. "I assume that hot bath is for me?"
"It is." She stood up and pulled me into a tight hug. "I'm here for you. Anything you need. You know that, right?"
I nodded and pressed my teeth into my bottom lip to keep from crying anymore. It always jacked me up when someone I loved was nice, and I was hurting. It seemed to call forth more emotion than necessary.
"I appreciate it. I just need a few minutes to myself." I pulled back and slipped into a facade, tightening my expression to reassure her that I was alright.
"Okay. Well, I'm going to make some lunch. I'll be just out here if you need me."
"What's Jace doing here?" I pulled off my bra and slipped out of my panties, grateful to be out of my freezing cold clothes. They just seemed to make things worse, as if that was possible.
"He came over this morning to see us. I guess him and his latest fling ended, and he wanted to apologize for how weird he was in the mall." She shrugged. "He came in with the intent to see you, but we started talking." Her cheeks burned pink. "It was nice. I don't know."
She seemed flustered, a little out of sorts. Did she have feelings for Jace? How fucking weird would that be? The idea only added to the discomfort building in my chest.
"Okay. I'll be right out." I shivered and turned to get into the tub. I'd made it down into the warm water as a soft knock resounded at the door.
"Ri. Can I come in for a minute?" Jace.
"Sure." I pulled the shower curtain closed, why I wasn't sure. The man had explored every inch of my body and knew it better than I did. The click of the door caused me to stiffen, and I stuck my head out. "If you're here to talk about us-"
"Hush." He sat down on the toilet, his eyes filled with loving kindness. "I came by to apologize. You're my best friend, and I'm really good with that title. I don't need anything else from you. Honestly." He shrugged. "I think watching you fall in love with someone else just fucked me up a little. I don't want to lose you."
You might not have to after today.
"I appreciate that." I pressed my head to the chilly tile wall behind me and kept the curtain in place to hide my nakedness. "I would never want to hurt you. You know that, right?"
"Of course I do." He glanced down at his hands as he fidgeted. "What happened today?" The hardness in his voice caused me to worry for a second. I didn't want to spill my guts and have him turn into a monster, going after Ethan and beating him to a pulp on my behalf. It was very much a Jace Dillon move.
"I don't know." I let out a sardonic laugh. "I saw a video of Ethan kissing his agent, our agent, and it fucked me up."
"On a set or like really kissing her?" He glanced up, his eyes a little wide.
"Really kissing her." I let the curtain fall back and picked up the soap before sliding down deeper into the water. I didn't need to see him. The tone of his voice would tell me all I needed to know. "And he said that it didn't matter."
"Didn't matter?"
"No, I mean like it was staged for her boyfriend, but Ethan didn't stage it. It was fake. It didn't matter."
"Why would she stage something like that? She's your agent too? Does this bitch not care about you?" He was getting riled up.
I pulled the curtain back a little so he could see my face. "I don't know what they were thinking. One of them should have said something to me the minute it happened."
"Ethan should have. Especially if you guys are together."
"We're not together." I glanced up at the ceiling. "At least, I don't think we are."
Jace snorted. "Ri. This is not a complicated thing. Either you're together, or you're not. Unless you're friends with benefits."
"We're not." I glanced over at Jace. We sort of were, but I wasn't bringing that up to add salt to the wound. "I don't know what we are."
"You love him?"
"Yes. Unfortunately. And you and I have had this conversation before."
"I know, but I
wasn't really listening. I was too wrapped up in the fear that I would lose you." He reached over and brushed a strand of hair from my face. "Forgive me for being a needy dick."
"No. You weren't in the wrong. I was." I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath. "I just wish I knew what to do."
"Give it some time. Give him some time." He stood up. "I don't like the guy in the slightest, but if you really do love him, then give him some space. When you know what you want, step forward and take it. If it's not him, then close down the relationship."
"And come back to you?" I forced a saucy grin.
Jace's expression tightened. "No. We need to just be friends now. I gotta move on with my life. All this shit has shown me that I'm ready for something steady, for this love bullshit too."
I laughed and rolled my eyes. "I never thought I would see the day when you would talk about settling down."
He walked to the door and glanced back, the man far too handsome for his own good. "Me either, but watching you love this guy, even with him being a torrential fuck up, has given me a little bit of hope for myself."
"Good. You'll find her." I lifted my eyebrow. "She might be in the kitchen, cooking our lunch."
"She might." He winked and closed the door behind him.
I berated myself for trying to set him up with Charlotte. That would be beyond weird. Or would it?
Sinking down into the hot water, I let out a long sigh and closed my eyes, which was a mistake. The last scene Ethan and I had done ran through my mind over and over again.
There were parts of it where I wanted to reach out, to save him. He looked so vulnerable, so open and real. His voice echoed in my head, the sound of his brokenness enough to break my heart.
"I need you to love me." Devastation raced through me as I pushed at his chest. "I don't want your fucked up offer. Leave me alone, Ethan Lewis. You're a bastard."
"My offer?" He turned his back to Clay and pulled me into his arms, wrapping me up as someone released the rain machine above us. He was beyond beautiful, intriguing and it took all of me not to fall for him over and over and over again. "Baby. You offered sex and friendship to me. I never wanted lust from you. I've been alone since I was ten years old. Don't leave me alone again."