Austin opened the box, which held a sports watch. “I’m sure he’ll love it.”
Leah bustled around the kitchen to put groceries away. “I don’t think he’ll ever love anything I do, but as long as he doesn’t hate it, that will be a start.”
He held the watch out to her, and she scurried to take it, then began piling streamers and balloons on the counter before zipping across the kitchen to grab a punch bowl.
“Hey. Leah?”
“Yep?” She kept moving.
“Maybe you should slow down. You’re moving faster than Ned the squirrel right now.”
Leah threw him a frazzled smile. “Can’t. I have way too much to do before I have to pick up Jackson and his friends. And―” Now she stopped and stared at him, her expression pure panic. “I have no idea what thirteen-year-old boys like to do.”
Austin clapped his hands together and headed for the door. “I can help you with that.”
“Wait. Where are you going?” Leah’s voice trailed him.
Austin rushed to his own house, where he unhooked his video game console and gathered up his games and controllers.
He may not know how to act around Leah right now.
But boys and video games? That he did know.
Plus, maybe helping with Jackson’s party would get things back to normal with Leah.
And neither of them would have to think about that almost-kiss anymore.
Leah could not stop thinking about how she’d been so sure Austin was going to kiss her last night.
All afternoon, as he’d set up the video game console and then helped her decorate, her eyes had tracked to him again and again. But not once had he shown anything other than friendly interest. Which could mean only one thing: She’d completely imagined his desire to kiss her.
What a relief.
So why did her eyes insist on going to him again now, as she stepped into the living room, balancing a tray of food?
“Oh! Smoked you!” Austin tossed his remote onto the couch and fist-bumped one of the boys she’d invited over.
She’d wanted Jackson to choose a few friends for the party, but when he’d refused, she’d asked one of his teachers who he got along with. After some hesitation, Mrs. Johnson had suggested Logan, Kayden, Tommy, and Braxton. Fortunately, all four had agreed to come.
And they all seemed to be having fun―even Jackson, whom Leah had heard cheering moments before. He’d even shown a smidge of interest in the watch she’d given him, though he’d set it aside without putting it on.
“You guys ready for some food?” She started toward the coffee table, but before she could take two steps, Austin was on his feet and lifting the tray of pigs in a blanket from her hands.
Jackson’s friends lunged for the food the moment it hit the table.
“Aw, man.” The boy who’d been playing the video game spoke around a mouthful of food. “Jackson, your dad is way too good at this game. It’s not fair.”
Austin froze, looking from her to Jackson. When Jackson shrugged, Austin turned back to her, the question clear in his eyes. Should he correct the boy and tell them he wasn’t Jackson’s father?
Leah gave a subtle head shake. So what if Jackson’s friends thought Austin was his dad. It wouldn’t hurt anything.
“Better come get some food, Jackson, before your friends eat it all.” Leah tried not to sound too motherly so she wouldn’t embarrass Jackson.
He didn’t acknowledge that he’d heard her.
“This looks great.” Austin leaned forward to grab one of the pigs-in-a-blanket.
“Jackson’s mom, you make good food,” Kayden said, helping himself to more.
Leah beamed at him. These boys were so polite. “Thank―”
But before she could finish the sentence, Jackson jumped in. “She’s not my mom.”
The rest of the boys fell silent, and aside from the sound of their chewing, the room went still. Leah worked to keep her smile in place even though it felt like her face had hardened into plastic. Her pulse roared in her ears, but fighting past it, she turned to Kayden. “You can call me Miss Zelner. Or Leah. Leah would be fine too.” Her voice was too quiet, and she gave a single nod, then turned and walked out of the room.
But the kitchen wasn’t far enough. She pushed through the door to the backyard, letting the Arctic blast of the cold front the forecasters had been predicting for days buffet her. Her face froze instantly, except in the spots where hot tears tracked down her cheeks.
I’m trying here, Lord, I really am. Please help me. If ever she could use a yes in answer to a prayer, this was it.
But she was starting to doubt she would get it.
Austin passed his controller off to one of the other boys, throwing Jackson a dark look as he stood and followed Leah. If the boy noticed the look, he didn’t acknowledge it.
He tried the kitchen first, but it was empty, although another batch of hot dogs boiled on the stove. Austin checked on them, then walked toward the hallway. But as he passed the back door, he caught sight of movement on the dark patio.
He opened the door slowly, so he wouldn’t bump her. She shuffled out of the way but didn’t look at him.
“He’s never going to accept me, is he?” Her voice was broken, her face wet. “Every time I think things are getting better, he goes and reminds me that they’re not. Not really.”
“Sure they are.” He nudged her shoulder with his. “He didn’t say he hates you. Just that you’re not his mom. Which, biologically, is true.”
“He didn’t correct them that you’re not his dad,” she muttered. “Maybe he’d be better off with you.”
He held up a hand. Befriending the kid was one thing. But he most certainly wasn’t looking to become a father. “I’m not in the market for a kid.”
Leah turned to him, her normally light eyes shadowed in darkness. “Why not? You’d make a great dad.”
Austin shrugged. “I don’t think I could go it alone like you’re doing. If I ever had a kid, I’d need a wife first. And there aren’t exactly a lot of candidates seeking after that position.”
Why had he said that? It wasn’t like he was looking for candidates.
Leah gave him a sideways glance but didn’t say anything further. After a few minutes, she wiped her tears and turned toward the house. “We’d better get back in there.”
As Austin followed her inside, the shoe on his prosthetic snagged on the threshold. He pitched forward, shuffling his feet quickly to catch his balance.
But it was too late.
He careened into Leah, shoving her forward before landing on his knees behind her.
She spun toward him, eyes widening. “Are you all right?”
“I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?” He was still on his hands and knees, but he was pretty sure he hadn’t injured anything.
“I’m fine.” Leah reached to help him up. “What happened?”
He ignored her hand. “Just tripped,” he muttered. Bracing his hands against the floor, he pulled his good leg out from under him. Leah moved her hand closer, as if he hadn’t seen it the first time.
“I’ve got it.” The words came out with more force than he intended. “Go check on the boys. I’ll be right there.”
He didn’t look at her, but he could feel her eyes drilling into him. Finally, she left the room.
When she was gone, he slowly pushed up onto his right leg, pulling his left leg behind him and readjusting his track pants over the prosthetic. He didn’t know why it was so important to him to keep his prosthetic hidden. He’d worn shorts all summer without giving it a second thought. Sure, he got looks sometimes, but it didn’t matter. He hadn’t cared who had known how broken he was.
But here things were different. No one here knew what had happened to him. They didn’t see him as someone broken. As far as they knew, he was whole and intact. And knowing there were people who thought that gave him hope that maybe he could be again.
Someday.
The shadows
on the ceiling shifted as the trees outside bent in the whistling wind. It was the only movement in the room, other than the rise and fall of Leah’s chest as she tried to take relaxing breaths.
Austin had sent her to bed at midnight, promising to hang out with the boys until they dropped off to sleep and then go home. That had been three hours ago, and the sounds from the living room had long since died down, but still she couldn’t sleep.
Every time she closed her eyes, all she heard was Jackson’s sneered words, “She’s not my mother.” How many times would he say that? Would he insist on it for the rest of his life?
She’d meant it when she’d told Austin the boy would be better off with him. Or at least with both of them.
Her eyes opened wider in the dark. What had brought on that thought? She didn’t want to raise a child with Austin.
She’d just been thinking about how much easier it was to deal with Jackson when Austin was around. How he always seemed to know what to say to get Jackson to do what he was supposed to do. How on occasion he could even make Jackson smile. And her―he could definitely make her smile too.
Stop it.
This wasn’t about her or her feelings for Austin.
Not that she had any.
She punched her pillow into a new position and settled her head into it. Finally, her eyes drooped closed, and she let the heaviness of sleep start to carry her away.
But only moments later, her eyes sprang open as a yell of some sort echoed from the front of the house. She bolted upright and sprang out of bed. That wasn’t the fun kind of yelling the boys had been doing as they’d played.
This was more like a terrified yell. A genuine cry of pain or fear.
Maybe one of the boys had gotten up to go to the bathroom and been startled. Or maybe they were having a nightmare. Hopefully no one was fighting.
She clicked on the screen of her phone as she approached the living room, so she’d have enough light to find her way without waking the boys―assuming they were still asleep after that commotion.
Boys were spread across every inch of the living room floor, and all of them appeared to be out cold.
Another yell sounded, this time making Leah jump. She swung her phone to the other side of the room. Austin was sprawled on her couch, eyes clenched tight, arm flailing, as if he were trying to reach someone. His yell was quieter this time but filled with more anguish than she’d ever heard from a person before.
She hurried through the maze of sleeping boys, careful not to step on anyone. Miraculously, not a single one of them stirred. There was a small opening between where one of the boys slept on the floor and the edge of the couch, and Leah wedged her feet into the space, then bent over and laid a gentle hand on Austin’s arm. Under her hand, his biceps were rigid, and his shirt was damp with sweat.
“Austin.” She shook him lightly as she whispered. “Austin, wake up.” She’d barely been able to hear herself, and yet Austin woke with a start, eyes wild as he searched her face, hands coming to her shoulders.
“Shh. It’s okay. You were having a dream.” Instinctively, she stroked his hair.
“Sorry.” He sat up so quickly she had to clutch at his shoulder to keep from falling over the boy on the floor.
“I should go.” His whisper was hoarse.
“Yeah, of course.” She let go of him and made her way through the sleeping boys. She didn’t hear any footsteps behind her, but the moment she’d crossed into the dining room, he was there.
“I’ll go out the back door, so I don’t wake them.” Austin was still whispering.
She wanted to ask him what the dream had been about. If it had anything to do with whatever gave him that haunted look.
But she simply passed him his coat and opened the door for him. “I’ll bring your games back tomorrow.”
He waved her off. “Let Jackson keep them.” And then he was gone.
Leah stood outside the door, letting the night air poke needles into her skin as she watched him cross their yards and enter his own house.
He’d been through something traumatic at some point in his life. Of that much she was becoming more and more certain.
Maybe it was why he was able to make a connection with Jackson so easily. Maybe if she could help fix whatever it was that had hurt Austin, she could figure out how to fix Jackson too.
At any rate, it was worth a shot.
Because she wasn’t sure how much longer she could survive with things as they were.
Chapter 16
He never should have gotten close to them.
Austin’s feet dragged to a walk, though he couldn’t have run more than a mile. But his limbs hung heavy with the need for sleep.
He hadn’t even tried to go to bed when he’d gotten home from Leah’s. After that nightmare, sleep would have been worse than the exhaustion that weighed on him now.
Because this time when the IED went off, it wasn’t only Tanner and Isaad he couldn’t save. Leah and Jackson were there too. He couldn’t shake the image of their broken bodies lying on the sand. It had been enough to drive him from the house at first light. But even now, as the wind cut at his skin and the sky hung gray and bleak above him, he couldn’t escape it.
He scrubbed his hands over his face, as if that could banish the image seared into his mind.
He knew it couldn’t happen to them. There were no explosives alongside the roads here. They weren’t in a war zone. They were in the middle of sleepy Hope Springs.
But that didn’t do anything to loosen the vise that choked the air out of his lungs every time he thought of it.
Was this what it was going to be like for the rest of his life? Every time he got close to someone, he’d see them being blown to pieces? How was he supposed to live like that?
A sudden need to talk to Chad gripped him. But he couldn’t. Chad was on a mission, facing who knew what kind of danger.
And there was nothing Austin could do to keep him safe.
His brother’s request from the other day kept popping into his head: “I wouldn’t mind a prayer or two.”
Chad had never asked Austin to pray for him before. Had he done it now because he knew something he wasn’t telling Austin? Was he worried he might not make it back this time?
Austin shoved the thought aside.
More likely, it had been one more of Chad’s lame attempts to get him to turn back to God.
Well, his brother could forget that. Believing in God had never done anything good for him. And it wasn’t going to now either.
But the words came almost automatically. Please keep―
No.
He wasn’t going to fall for that again. Chad was a good soldier. And good soldiers had his back. He’d be fine.
Austin hadn’t been paying attention to where he was walking, but now he pulled up short at a scenic overlook he’d never come across before. The ground dropped away at the side of the road to the lake below, where waves frothed against the beach.
He drew in a ragged breath and eyed the drop-off. It was steep but not so steep he couldn’t get down it.
He lowered his right leg tentatively into the thin covering of snow. When it held, he brought his left leg down. The movement was familiar, comforting. If it weren’t for the pounding of the waves below, he could almost close his eyes and be back in the Afghan mountains.
At the bottom of the hill, he stepped cautiously onto the sand, packed hard by the cold. The sharp scent of the water sliced into the tension he’d carried all morning.
“What am I supposed to do now, Chad?” He called out, as if the waves could carry the message to his brother. “And don’t say pray.”
The lake foamed at his feet, and the sky loosed a sheet of thick, wet snowflakes.
Austin shook his head. He refused to believe the timing was anything more than a coincidence.
Anyway, he didn’t need an answer. He already knew what his brother would say. “Talk to someone.”
And Austin would scoff,
just like he did now. Because he was tired of talking about it. The shrink he’d been required to see while he was in the hospital had been big about talking.
You lost your leg. Do you want to talk about it? Your best friend died. Do you want to talk about it? You saw a kid die and blame yourself. Do you want to talk about it?
No, he did not want to talk about it. Not with his shrink. Not with anyone.
Austin tilted his head at the water, Leah’s face refusing to leave his mind. She’d listen, he knew she would. But he couldn’t possibly tell her the things he’d seen, what he’d lived through. She was too innocent for that. She shouldn’t have to know about the horrors the world held.
She’d understand.
Austin sighed. He supposed she might. After all, she was raising a kid who’d discovered his mother dead. But that didn’t mean he should bother her with this too. She had enough to shoulder already.
No. This was his burden to carry.
And he’d keep carrying it. Alone.
Leah blew on her hands and shook out her stiff fingers, then gripped the frigid metal of the ladder. She’d hoped the snow might let up, but if anything, it fell faster as the morning went on.
She knew some people thought it was crazy to decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving. But she wasn’t one of them.
If things hadn’t been so busy lately, she’d already have the decorations up, and she was determined to get it done today. She’d tried to coax Jackson to help her after his friends left, but he’d only shot her a look of contempt and holed up in his room again. Even the lure of the Hawaiian grand prize hadn’t been enough to prompt any interest.
But when they won, he’d see. He’d be glad she’d entered. Glad they got to spend the week in Hawaii together. Making mother-son memories.
Not Until Christmas Morning (Hope Springs Book 5) Page 10