But he’d felt it all stealing back over them as they’d ridden in the sleigh, as if it was borne on the cold wind that snaked down their blanket and slipped through to their core.
Leah had grown quieter, and even he had a hard time keeping up the light tone.
He sneaked a glance at her out of the corner of his eye now. She caught his look and dropped the piece of hair she’d been absently twirling around a finger.
“What are you thinking about?” Though it’d only take one guess for him to figure it out.
Her sigh was heavy. “Sorry. I was thinking about Jackson. I’m going to have a talk with him when we get back. Tell him―” She shook her head. “I don’t know what I’ll tell him.”
She angled toward him. “What were you thinking about?”
Somehow, his sigh was even heavier than hers had been. “Chad.”
“I’ve been praying for him.” Her hand came to rest on his arm.
How could one tiny touch like that be so reassuring?
“Me too.” He could barely get the words out, but Leah’s face lit up.
He didn’t know how to tell her that his prayers weren’t anything like hers. When she’d prayed before dinner, he could hear the conviction in her voice. She really believed God would hear her. That he would answer.
His prayers were more like shots fired wildly into the dark at a target he wasn’t sure was there.
“I’d feel better if I heard from him. I can’t wait to get back over there. Then I can be the one to watch his back.”
Her hand tensed against his arm, and he turned his head to find her staring at him, open mouthed.
“You’re going back? I thought― With your leg―”
“I’ve been on the temporary disability retired list for the past year. But with any luck, I won’t be for much longer. I had my physical today, and if they find me fit for duty, I could be redeployed.”
“When?” Leah’s voice sounded strangled, and he glanced at her again. Her left hand remained on his arm, but her right was balled in her lap.
“Soon. I thought you knew.”
She shook her head, blinking rapidly, and he repositioned his arm so he could take her hand. This was not how he’d have chosen to tell her.
“This doesn’t change anything, you know. Unless you want it to.” His heart nearly crumbled at the thought, but he had to let her decide this. It wouldn’t be fair to drag her into a long-distance relationship she hadn’t been prepared for. “I’m not saying it wouldn’t be hard. But lots of guys have girlfriends or wives back home while they’re deployed. And I do get leave and―”
“Austin.” Leah squeezed his hand. “It doesn’t change anything. I mean, I’d be worried about you, but I know that God is bigger than I am, and he’s always watching over you.”
He let out a long breath. Whether that was true or not didn’t matter. What mattered was that she’d said yes.
“But can I ask you something?” Leah’s voice was gentle, and Austin nodded, though he felt like he should protest. But that was ridiculous. There was nothing she could say right now that would tamp down the joy building in his chest.
“You said if. What happens if you’re not found fit for duty?”
Austin shook his head. “Not going to happen.”
It couldn’t. He had to get back over there.
“But if, Austin,” Leah insisted.
He sighed. Fine. He’d tell her the process. But he was going back.
“They could find that my injuries haven’t stabilized enough and keep me on the temporary disability list and order another physical in a few months. Or―” He pressed his lips together. He hated to consider the other possibility.
“Or?”
“Or they could move me to the permanent disability list. Retire me.”
He could feel Leah’s eyes on him as she considered his answer. “And could you be content with that?”
The gentle question ripped through him like shrapnel.
“No.” His answer was flat and immediate.
Leah didn’t say anything, and he risked a look at her. But she was staring out the window.
“We’re home.” And just in time too. If this conversation continued, they might end up destroying this relationship before it had gotten off the ground.
He pulled into her driveway and walked her to the door.
“Do you want to come in and have some cocoa?” Her voice was tiny, hesitant, and it sliced him to know he was responsible for that.
He stretched his neck, trying to force himself to relax. She hadn’t been trying to crush his hopes.
“I actually have a little bit of a headache. I think I’ll go home and go to bed.” He touched a hand to hers, then took a step backward.
“Austin, don’t―” Tears sprang to Leah’s eyes, and he silently cursed himself.
Did he call this not hurting her?
He moved close enough to wrap his arms around her. “I’m not upset. I promise. I just need some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
At her slight nod, he slid his hands to the back of her head and leaned in for a kiss, telling himself it was only his imagination that she barely returned it.
Chapter 28
Leah swiped at a stray tear as she pulled off her coat.
Austin hadn’t meant to hurt her. He just had a headache. One she’d probably caused.
She’d only been trying to help, trying to make sure he saw the situation realistically―that he was prepared in case things didn’t work out the way he wanted.
She wanted him to know that God was with him no matter what.
But instead of reassuring him, she may have ruined everything.
She dragged herself down the hall, rubbing at her head.
“Jackson, I’m home.” She knocked on his as-always closed bedroom door, running a hand over her face one more time. Jackson didn’t need to know anything was wrong.
She’d go over to Austin’s in the morning and they’d talk, and everything would be fine.
Wouldn’t it?
She drew in a rough breath and knocked again.
Of course it would be fine.
“Jackson? Please open the door so I can say goodnight.” Another, longer sigh slipped out.
A mutiny from Jackson was not what she needed right now.
Not when she just wanted to pull on a pair of fuzzy socks to warm her still tingling toes and curl into bed.
“You have ten seconds.” She raised her voice to make sure Jackson could hear. “And then I’m coming in there whether you open the door or not.”
She counted backward in her head. When she got to three, she switched to counting out loud. “Three. Two. One.”
Weariness tugged at her shoulders. She’d rather go to bed and deal with Jackson in the morning. But she’d said she was coming in, so now she had to follow through.
She lifted her hand to the doorknob slowly, giving him one last chance.
When it didn’t open, she turned it.
The lights were off inside, and she opened the door farther to let light from the hallway brighten the space. “Don’t tell me you’re sleeping . . .”
Her eyes fell on the empty bed, and she flipped on the light. The peanut butter and jelly she’d made him sat untouched on his dresser, and the room was vacant, aside from Ned, who gave an excited squeak and ran back and forth in his cage with his tail lifted over his back.
“Jackson?” She backed out of the room and retraced her steps toward the front door. Had he been in the living room or the kitchen and she’d missed him when she walked past? She had been rather distracted.
But the kitchen was empty, as was the living room.
She opened the door to the basement, quashing down the rush of panic that threatened to take over. There was no reason to overreact. He’d probably gotten bored and was exploring downstairs.
She pounded down the wooden steps, calling his name.
No answer.
She stood at the bo
ttom of the staircase, her breaths coming heavier than they should. “Jackson, this isn’t funny. If you’re down here, come out.”
The furnace kicked in, making her jump, and she pressed a hand to her heart.
After a quick search of the mostly empty basement, she sprinted up the stairs and straight out the back door. Maybe he was collecting nuts for Ned.
But the yard was dark and empty, no footprints marring the fresh snow.
She tore through the house to Jackson’s room. Clues. She needed clues about where he could be.
Maybe there was something going on at school tonight that he hadn’t told her about, and he’d gotten a ride with a friend. It was a long shot, one she already knew couldn’t be true, but she clutched at it, searching the floor for his backpack. There might be a note in it.
But the backpack was gone, as was, she noticed now, the sweatshirt from Austin that always hung on the closet doorknob and the watch she’d given him for his birthday, which had remained in its box on top of the bookshelf since then. Nausea rose in her gut as she lunged for his dresser and yanked the top drawer open.
Empty.
So was the next.
And the next.
The room seemed to spin, but she staggered out of it, down the hallway, and to the front door.
She needed Austin’s help.
Right now.
Chapter 29
Austin leaned into his crutches as he reached for a bottle of water from the refrigerator. He popped the aspirin into his mouth and took a swig out of the bottle. He hadn’t been lying to Leah about the headache, though he’d also needed some space before he said something he’d regret.
He knew she was only doing what she thought was best when she’d asked what he’d do if he weren’t redeployed.
But that possibility wasn’t something he could think about.
He hooked the water bottle between his fingers and maneuvered his crutches to the couch, propping his good foot on the coffee table. His laptop taunted him, silent as ever.
When are you going to call, Chad?
The wallpaper on the screen―a picture of him and Chad in front of a spectacular sunset in the Afghan mountains―mocked him, and he dropped his face into his hands, the edges of his scar rough against his skin.
A second later, he jumped as footsteps pounded up his porch stairs, followed by someone beating on the door.
“Austin!” Even through the door, Leah’s voice set his heart on fire. As much as he’d wanted space, he hadn’t wanted to leave things the way he had tonight.
He glanced at his crutches.
She knew about his prosthetic. But she’d never seen him without it on.
“Austin!” The urgency in her voice made him forget the debate. He grabbed his crutches and hopped to the door, wearing his best apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, Leah. I shouldn’t have―”
The look on her face stole whatever he’d been planning to say next. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
Her eyes were too wide and wild, skipping past him to the living room, and her breath came in short gasps even though she lived fewer than fifty steps away.
“Is he here?” She barreled past him into the house. “Please tell me he’s here.” Her voice pitched up an octave.
“Is who here?”
But Leah was no longer in the living room. She’d sprinted down the hall and was popping her head into every bedroom.
“Leah.” He followed her, his crutches thumping quietly against the wood floor. “Leah, stop.” He grabbed her elbow, pulling her to face him. “What’s going on?”
She shook her head, gasping harder than before. “I thought maybe he―” She choked on a short breath. “I thought he’d be here. I thought―”
“Jackson?” His own pulse spiked. Was she saying she couldn’t find him?
“I was sure he must be here. But if he’s not―” Face ashen, she clutched at her arms.
“Shh.” He leaned one crutch against the wall so he could pull her close. “It’s okay. We’ll find him. You looked everywhere at your place? Outside?”
She nodded into his chest. “Everywhere.” Her voice was muffled by his sweatshirt. “Austin, his backpack is gone.”
“That doesn’t mean―”
“So are his clothes.”
Austin’s heart dropped, but he schooled his face into a calm expression, gripping her shoulder and sliding her back until he could look into her eyes. “We’re going to get through this. Together. Okay?”
He waited for her slow nod. “It’s so cold out there.” Her teeth chattered as if she were the one out in the cold. “It’s so cold, and he’s just a kid.”
Austin shook his head. “No. It’s going to be all right. We’re going to find him. He’s probably nice and warm somewhere. I’m going to call the police and file a report. Why don’t you call everyone else and ask them to start driving around to look for him? Maybe someone can call his classmates.”
Leah’s hand shook as she pulled out her phone, but she started dialing.
Austin took out his own phone and dialed the police. He didn’t mean for the prayer to come out as he waited for someone to pick up, but it did.
Please let us find him.
Chapter 30
Two hours. They had been searching for her son for two hours, and no one had seen a sign of him. Austin’s breath puffed into the air between them as he leaned on his crutches and studied the map of Hope Springs on his phone.
They’d already searched the entire downtown, and Grace and Emma were calling all of Jackson’s classmates. Not that she had much hope he’d gone to one of them, since he’d never referred to any as friends. The rest of her friends were going door to door through the town, asking if anyone had seen the boy, and Jade had offered to sit at Leah’s house in case Jackson came home.
Because of the extreme cold, the police were organizing their own search of the fields and forests around the town as well. They’d already sent patrolmen to search the beach, and Leah’s breath locked in her chest every time she thought about the cold Lake Michigan water washing up on shore.
Jackson wouldn’t have gone into the water.
She was sure of it.
Wasn’t she?
A strangled sob fought its way up from her core, and she lifted a hand to her mouth to stifle it, but she couldn’t keep it in any longer.
Austin pulled her into his arms without a word, their embrace slightly awkward around the crutches. She leaned into him, letting his strength hold her up.
“It’s going to be okay,” he murmured into her hair. “We’re going to find him.”
But she knew he was just as uncertain―just as scared―as she was.
She pulled away, a completely unjustified anger straightening her back. “You don’t know that. He’s a kid, Austin. He has no food. No shelter. No money. Nothing. He’s one hundred percent alone.” She crossed her arms over her chest, so he couldn’t take her hand and give her empty assurances that everything would be fine.
“He has you.” Steam rose from Austin’s mouth, floating on the cold night air.
“A lot of good that does.” Leah snarled at her own helplessness. “I can’t do anything for him now.”
“Look, let’s go check―”
But Leah shook her head, defeat engulfing her. “Let’s split up. We’ll cover more ground that way.”
“I’m not going to leave you alone, Leah.” Austin moved his crutches toward her, but she backed up, ignoring the hurt in his eyes. She knew it was unfair, knew this wasn’t his fault. But if she had been home with Jackson instead of on a date with Austin, none of this would have happened.
“I want to be alone right now, okay?” She bit back the fresh sobs that tried to wriggle free of the tight hold she had on them. She could deal with her emotions later. Right now, the only thing she cared about was finding Jackson.
“Okay.” Austin’s whisper cut at her, but she turned away and started walking toward her storefront. Maybe Jackson
had sneaked in there for the night.
“Leah,” Austin called behind her. She stopped but couldn’t bring herself to turn around. “I’ll pray for him.”
Leah’s nod was stiff. She knew she should be grateful that Austin would consider it. And she should do the same―had been trying to do the same all night.
Up until now, she’d always rejoiced to know God was in control. It was why she’d always been fine when he answered her prayers with no.
But if she prayed for Jackson’s safe return and God answered that prayer with a no, she wasn’t sure her faith could survive.
So she walked away, keeping her mind carefully blank.
The toes of Austin’s good foot had gone numb. If only there was a way to numb his heart too.
The punch of Leah’s words―“I want to be alone”―hit him right in the solar plexus as he watched her walk away.
When she disappeared around the corner, he forced himself to go in the opposite direction, all his senses on full alert for the slightest sign of movement. It was so cold out here. How warmly was Jackson dressed? How long could he survive out here on his own? Would they find him in time, or would―
It was too much. First his brother.
And now Jackson.
He shook off the thought. He might not be able to do anything for Chad right now. But he could help find Jackson.
Come on, Austin. Think.
A thirteen-year-old who didn’t have any money couldn’t get farther than he could walk. Unless he had hitchhiked. Austin nearly choked at the thought, and he had to knock it aside so he wouldn’t fall into the same despair as Leah.
His eyes fell on the dark bus station. It was the only form of mass transportation in the small tourist town, and it was only open during the day. But if Jackson had left Leah’s house right after she and Austin had gone on their date, the boy could have gotten here before it closed.
And if he had . . . A sick feeling rose in the back of Austin’s throat. If he had, he could be in another state by now.
Not Until Christmas Morning (Hope Springs Book 5) Page 17