“Oh, that jerk!” Halla rushed to her and gave her a hug.
“Not a jerk. He just knew it wasn’t going anywhere.” Instead of feeling better at Halla’s support, Saffron felt worse. “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I forget him and go on?”
Halla drew back. “Forget who? Because I know you don’t mean Vaughn.” Her eyes invited more.
“It doesn’t matter,” Saffron mumbled. “Maybe I’m always going to be alone.” If anyone but Halla had come to get her, she would have bitten back the words. The other girls still had romantic dreams, but Halla was down to earth. She wouldn’t try to convince Saffron that it was all in her imagination, or that real love was just around the corner.
“Because even when I’m with someone,” Saffron added, “I’m really still alone.” A familiar numbness was spreading inside her, and Saffron welcomed the feeling. At least there would be no more tears.
“Maybe it’s time to find out why,” Halla said. “Maybe you need to face this head on like Zoey did when she testified against her uncle in court. Whatever it is that’s bothering you might look different if you face it down. And if you need a listening ear, you know I’m always here.”
Saffron nodded, tempted for the first time to confide in someone besides Lily. Halla, who’d had to escape her house through an upstairs window to get away from an abusive and controlling father, had a clear grasp on how some parents didn’t do what was right for their children. She’d understand.
Elsie appeared in the doorway. “Hurry, you guys! You’re missing it.”
Saffron and Halla followed her back into the reception center and out to the front, where people were forming two lines. As Zoey and Declan, the new Mr. and Mrs. Walker, ran past them in a deluge of dried flower petals, Saffron cheered with the others. At least on the outside.
On the inside, her mind was churning. She’d assumed that one day she’d meet someone who would make her past disappear, but maybe she’d been going about this all wrong. Halla might be right that she needed to face the past, go back to where it all began. The idea of returning to Temecula was like a dead space inside her, but she needed to know. She’d recently connected with her younger sister on Facebook, and she did want to see her. Not so much her parents, and especially their mother.
And Tyson. The black hole growing inside seemed big enough to consume her now. Maybe confronting him—wherever he was—would be cathartic. If she could find him. Eight and a half years had passed after all.
She watched Zoey climb into Declan’s truck, which was decorated with balloons and streamers. She looked so happy, nothing like the terror-stricken young woman who’d been called to testify in court a few years ago.
“Okay,” Lily shouted. “Let’s pack up their gifts and get out of here.”
Dutifully, Saffron helped load gifts into the waiting cars. Then she drove her blue Hyundai Elantra to help unload the gifts at Lily’s House where they would be stored until Zoey and Declan returned from their honeymoon.
Saffron always loved coming to Lily’s House. It was home, the place where she and her fosters sisters had all finished growing up after running away or having been abandoned by their own families. Even as adults, Saffron and the others turned to Lily like a mother, though she was only four years older than Saffron.
One by one, Saffron’s foster sisters left with their dates, and Lily’s current foster girls went to bed. Mario, Lily’s husband, took their sleepy boys upstairs to tuck in. When they were all gone, Lily, with her ten-month-old asleep in her arms, pinned Saffron with her knowing stare. “Stay for some herbal tea?”
“Yeah, thanks.” Saffron didn’t want to go home to the apartment she’d finally been able to afford on her own. She would have to gather up everything that reminded her of Vaughn and either send it to him or throw it away. Facing that right now made her want to give in to the tears pressing at her eyes.
In the kitchen, Lily laid baby Cherie in Saffron’s arms. “If you’ll just hold her while I make the tea.”
How did Lily always seem to know what she needed? Saffron willingly held Cherie to her chest, feeling the little body settle into hers, hearing her tiny breaths. Holding Cherie, and Lily’s boys before her, had always been a balm to Saffron’s soul. But it also hurt as her mind invariably wandered to what might have been.
Lily hummed as she put cups of water into the microwave. Two minutes later, she brought the water over with several boxes of herbal tea on a tray. Saffron wasn’t ready to give up the baby yet, so she just pointed to the apple spice tea and let Lily put a bag into her cup.
“So,” Lily began as the tea steeped. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“It’s just . . . all of the girls are going on with their lives, but I only pretend. You know what I mean, right? I’ve dated a lot of wonderful guys, but the minute they want more commitment than a few kisses or a fun date, I end things.”
Lily nodded. “It’s something I’ve worried about the past few years. Why do you think you do that?”
Saffron let out a long sigh. “I don’t know. No, that’s not quite true. I think I’m still in love with Tyson.” She paused, grateful that Lily didn’t rush in with any words. “I’ve tried not to love him. I mean I was only a kid when it all happened. How could love at that age be real? And yet when I think about a future, about a family, it’s only him I see.” Now her tears came, tears for herself, tears for Tyson, tears even for Vaughn, who’d never had a chance.
“And I’m still so angry at my mother for throwing me out,” she continued. “Abandoning me when I needed her most. If she’d only stood by me, maybe . . .” Maybe things would be different. She and Tyson might be together. She might be in a house where their sons slept upstairs and it might be their baby lying in her arms right now.
“The maybes are the hardest part,” Lily agreed. She began removing the bobby pins that held her blond hair up in a twist.
The fact that Lily didn’t come right out with a list of options told Saffron Lily knew exactly what she should do, but it was something hard, something that needed to be her choice. She’d seen Lily, who was a fountain of wisdom, counsel dozens of foster girls who had gone through her house in exactly the same way.
“Are you managing me?” Saffron asked, attempting a smile.
Lily laid another bobby pin on her growing pile and chuckled softly. “I was only twenty-one when you came to live with me. Remember how we hid you in my room at college?”
“Oh, yeah.” In the beginning, Saffron had done nothing but lie in Lily’s bed, trying to recover from severe malnutrition and the endless heartbreak.
“The point is that we’ve been friends a long time,” Lily said. “It’s not managing. It’s trying to help a friend decide what she should do. But I think you’re right that you’re stalled emotionally, and it breaks my heart.” Lily teared up and it took a moment for her to recover and begin speaking again. “Remember when we moved in here, and we told you that even if you helped out with the house payment, you couldn’t have boys sleep over? And you said—”
“If I ever find a boy worthy of sleeping over, I’d probably marry him. But don’t hold your breath because I was sure he didn’t exist.” Saffron sighed. “Oh, yeah. I remember. The girls still tease me about it.”
“At first I thought you wanted to avoid getting hurt again, but for a long time now, I’ve known it’s something more. Because there have been a few guys I thought you might fall for, and Vaughn is probably the best of them all.”
Saffron blinked and another tear escaped her eye. “What I felt for Tyson . . . I thought it would go away. That I’d wake up one day and it would be gone, but it hasn’t changed at all.” She took a deep, shuddering breath. “I think . . . I think it’s time. I think I have to go back. I need to find him. I want to know why he never looked for me.”
“Maybe he didn’t know where to look.”
Saffron had told herself this over the years, but it still hurt that Tyson hadn’t come after her. He
had to know something was up when she disappeared. Instead, he’d left her all alone to deal with the consequences of their love. The horrible, heartrending consequences that still made her cry when she was alone.
“Maybe,” Saffron allowed. She could at least listen to his reasons—if he cared enough to share them.
“It’ll be good to see your sister,” Lily added.
“It will.” Kendall had only been ten when Saffron had to leave. That day, as she’d thrown a few things into her backpack, Kendall had begged her not to go, and their mother had come in and ordered Kendall away. Saffron hadn’t been allowed to say goodbye.
For years, the idea of Saffron’s old life in Temecula had felt more like a vivid dream than reality. Kendall was certainly less a sister than the foster sisters who had been her family over the past eight years since Lily had found her. Even her days with Tyson and how much they’d been in love was like a life lived by someone else.
Only the way it had ended, that night with blood everywhere, stayed with her as if it had been yesterday.
This summer after she’d started dating Vaughn, for reasons she couldn’t pinpoint, her thoughts had been continually drawn to her sister. Maybe because Vaughn was always talking about his younger sister, or maybe because Saffron was seeing less of her foster sisters. She’d looked for Kendall, found her on Facebook, and sent her a message, letting her know the name she was using now and telling her she was in Phoenix. Almost immediately, Kendall had begun asking to see her. Saffron had avoided the request so far, partly because Kendall was still living with their parents in Temecula, but also partly because the memories were too painful.
“Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about Kendall,” Saffron said. “I think something is wrong with her. But she won’t say what.”
Lily set down her tea. “Well, she is living in the same house you haven’t been able to return to in eight and a half years. I mean, people can change, but maybe it’s not easy for her there. She might see you as a way out.”
Saffron sniffed hard, fighting more tears. “I know. And if she needs help, I should give it to her. I’m definitely going back. Even if it ends up being just for her and I don’t find Tyson at all.”
Lily’s smile was gentle. “Then maybe it’s time I returned something to you.” She rose and leaned down to take the baby from her arms. “And this one, I’ll go tuck in with her daddy.”
Reluctantly, Saffron relinquished the warm bundle to Lily. The baby had steadied her, had given her the human connection she’d so desperately needed after this terrible evening.
Lily returned in minutes with a small white jewelry box that Saffron recognized immediately. Her heartbeat thundered inside her chest. She knew too well what was inside, and she accepted the box without opening it. As she did, Lily’s hands closed around hers, holding her fast and staring into her eyes.
“Saffron, you can do this. But if you need anything from me, I’m here.” Lily released her and stepped back.
“You always have been.” Saffron stood, clutching the little box. “I’d better get home.”
Lily nodded and walked with her to the door. She stood there, framed by the light until Saffron placed the little jewelry box next to her purse on the passenger seat and drove away.
Was she really going back to California? Yes, she needed to or nights like this one would forever be in her future, with good men like Vaughn walking away because she couldn’t love them. Or breaking up with a man she liked because she couldn’t commit. Another tear skidded down her cheek.
In her room at her apartment, she sat on the bed to slip off her heels and automatically checked her phone, which she’d silenced during the wedding ceremony and had neglected to turn back on. There had been two calls from Vaughn. Her heart leapt. Maybe he’d reconsidered.
But the text message he’d also sent destroyed the hope: Just checking to make sure you’re okay. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me. I’m really sorry. I wish things could be different, but I hope we’re still friends.
Maybe he would have been the one to finally heal her heart, but now she would never know. He would never know. “You tried only three months,” she whispered, deleting the text. “Your loss.” But the words were a waste because she didn’t know if even three years would have been enough time.
Beside her on the bed, the jewelry box beckoned with a temptation she’d never been able to resist. That was why she’d placed it in Lily’s safe-keeping soon after she’d gone to live with her. Lily kept two locked boxes in her closet for that explicit purpose—to store the girls’ special treasures or important documents. Unlike the others who’d gone through Lily’s House, Saffron had never asked for it back.
Inside was a folded piece of paper, a small, pale blue shirt, and two pictures of the sweetest angel in the world. She held the shirt to her face, breathing in the smell that wasn’t there any longer but that her memory filled in. One of the pictures was a close-up of a baby wearing the shirt, his eyes shut, as if asleep. The other picture was of her holding his tiny form, gazing down on him with bewildered tears in her eyes.
Next, she unfolded the paper, though she already knew what the birth certificate said: Tyson Dekker Junior, son of Rosalyn Brenwood and Tyson Dekker.
Rosalyn. A name she hadn’t answered to in so long that she felt it belonged to someone else. For endless moments, she sat there, holding her treasures, eyes tightly shut.
When at long last the brutal ache began to ebb, she replaced the items inside the jewelry box, set it in the top drawer of her nightstand, and pulled out her suitcase.
She was going to find Tyson—and face her family. It was the only way.
2
When Vaughn fell out of bed Saturday morning, he felt as if he hadn’t slept at all. His eyes were gritty and his stomach was sour. Worse, all he wanted to do was throw himself into his car and drive to Saffron’s apartment. He couldn’t get those last minutes with her out of his mind. The quiet way she’d said goodbye—all the while looking as if he’d betrayed her.
Maybe he had.
But was he supposed to just wait around until she dumped him? All the signs were there. The change of subject when he wanted to make plans for next year, her refusal to go to his parents’ house or to attend family events, the way she went quiet when he mentioned children or asked about her family. It was insane. Women were supposed to want commitment, weren’t they? They were supposed to want to get married. His sister had talked about nothing else before she found her husband, and all of Saffron’s sisters—her fosters sisters—talked about getting married. Saffron was the only one who never joined in those conversations.
Often when Vaughn and Saffron were together with her sisters, she’d stare off into the distance, tuning everyone out when the conversations took a serious note. Every time it happened, her sisters had cast him pitying looks. Maybe if he didn’t love her so much, he could have stayed until she broke up with him. Instead, he’d hoped to shake things up, to give them a chance to become a real couple. Maybe the wedding reception hadn’t been the best place to break up, but he’d wanted to make sure she had people around her. Support. In case she did care about him the way he wanted her to.
Running a hand through his hair, he paced the kitchen in his apartment. He stubbed his toe against the island and welcomed the pain. What had happened to Saffron? On the surface, she was everything he’d ever dreamed of in a woman—competent, loving, creative, well-read, and smart. He was so attracted to her that he often planned dates with other couples so he wouldn’t push her for a deeper relationship she apparently wasn’t ready for. He could tell she cared about people, and she worked hard. He could imagine a future with her.
Yet there was a point he couldn’t pass in their relationship. That no one could. He’d watched her with guy after guy, and he’d told himself when each relationship ended that it happened because they weren’t right for her. And he was right—he’d known it since the day they’d first met. But she�
��d been dating someone else, and then when she was free, he’d been dating a woman, and by the time he’d even heard about her breakup, he was too late and she’d met someone new. There had been no time for them—until this summer.
For him, the past three months had been magic—except for the realization that Saffron wasn’t going to let him in, not unless he did something drastic. So he had. And now he might have lost her forever.
Everywhere in his apartment he saw things that reminded him of Saffron. The picture of them he’d added to his river rafting memory wall, the new sofa she’d helped pick out, the blinds he’d bought to protect the rare moments they spent here alone. The little ceramic turtles and the plant she’d bought to brighten his apartment.
He just wanted her back.
Finally, he sat at his table, checking his phone again, though he knew there would be nothing there. I hope we’re still friends, he’d texted last night. When he really wanted to say, I don’t know how I’ll ever live without you. Had he made his interest in her clear enough during their talk? She had hardly spoken.
Maybe he’d acted too soon. Maybe all she’d needed was time.
That’s probably what all her other hundreds of boyfriends thought.
Near the beginning of their relationship, he’d attended a barbeque at Lily’s House to welcome a new foster girl into their ever-growing family. At Lily’s request, he’d gone inside the house for a kettle of freshly cooked corn on the cob and had heard a conversation between Saffron’s foster sisters in the sitting room before he’d had a chance to make his presence known.
“How long do you think this one’s going to last?” Halla had asked. “I think he’s number fifty-two, or did I lose count?” The others laughed and called out anything from a few days to two months. Nothing beyond that.
“It’s too bad,” the curly-haired Elsie said. “I think he’s perfect for Saffron.”
A girl who was too young for Saffron to have ever lived with asked, “What’s her story anyway? I haven’t heard.”
Broken Lies Page 2