Saffron gave her an embarrassed smile. “I didn’t even think about that.”
Lily waved the comment aside. “Oh, you would have stopped and bought something on the road, but this will be better for you. Mario picked fresh strawberries this morning. Are you taking some of your jewelry parts?”
“Of course.” How well Lily knew her. “I have a few orders I need to fill. I’ll work on them as I can.”
“Good. Maybe you can visit a few boutiques while you’re in California, see if they’ll carry some pieces for you.”
“Maybe.” Saffron didn’t know if there would be time. “Here, let me hold Cherie.” Saffron took the baby from Lily’s arms. “I’m going to miss this cutie.”
“That makes it sound like you might be awhile.” Lily took a few steps toward the door, pausing to await her response.
Saffron shrugged. “As long as it takes. I have to know.”
“I understand, and that’s good. Just go into it with your eyes open. It’s been eight years. There might be someone else to think about.”
Meaning Tyson might have gone on with his life. That possibility was one of the reasons she’d never wanted to look him up. He hadn’t come after her, and seeing him happy when she felt broken was a risk she’d never wanted to take—until now. “I know that. But I have to see him.” Saffron blinked away threatening tears.
“Okay, give me a few minutes, and I’ll have your lunch ready.” Lily’s gaze switched to Tara. “Come down to eat when you’re ready. The kitchen is always open as long as you clean up after yourself.” Lily looked at Saffron pointedly and then at the sullen girl on the bunk bed and back again, a clear indication that she wanted Saffron to say something to the child.
Saffron smiled as her urge to cry disappeared. Helping others, Lily always said, was the best way to solve your own problems. Saffron turned to Tara as Lily disappeared from the room. “So,” she said. “You’re going to love this place.”
The girl gave a soft, unbelieving snort.
“No, really,” Saffron said. “You don’t know it yet, but this is the last foster home you’ll ever go to. Lily’s for real. I promise you that. In fact, I wasn’t placed here by the state. Lily found me at a low time in my life and took me in. I loved it so much, I stayed until I was twenty.”
Was that hope in the girl’s eyes?
“But there’s one thing you really need to know about living here,” Saffron said in the most serious tone she could muster. She set Cherie next to Tara on the bed. “Make sure she doesn’t fall off, okay?”
After a hesitation, Tara nodded, placing an arm around Cherie, who promptly began playing with the keychains attached to Tara’s backpack.
Saffron climbed up to the top bunk. “Once a month,” she said, “they hold Lily’s House bunkbed competitions, and you need to practice up.”
Could she even still do it? Saffron moved to the middle of the bed and held onto the safety bar with her hands. “Don’t worry about the beds. They are totally solid.” She leaned over head first, still holding onto the bars, and flipped over, her feet landing solidly on the ground. Not bad for being out of practice. “You should have seen one of the girls who used to be here. Ruth. She could stop midway and move her feet in a little dance in the air before landing. Other girls flip back up too. It’s quite a serious competition.”
Tara’s sneer was suspiciously close to a smile. “It’s stupid.”
“No, it’s fun. Practice up. Because the winner has a week of no chores, and the competition is stiff.” Leaning over, Saffron grabbed the baby. “And I meant what I said about Lily. It doesn’t matter what you do, she’s going to love you, so you might as well get used to it. Mario, too. Once you’re here, you’re family. Everyone else in your life might have betrayed you, but not Lily and not Mario. Not us.”
Tara rolled her eyes. “And I guess she always brings you over to say that.”
“Don’t be silly. I had no idea you’d be here. I just stopped by on my way to California.” Saffron’s voice hardened. “Look, you’re not the only one who’s had a horrible life before you came here, but you’re one of the lucky ones because all that is over now.”
“If you like it here so much, why are you leaving?” Tara retorted.
Saffron probably shouldn’t answer, not in her current mindset, but now that she’d started talking about her past, she couldn’t seem to help herself. Besides, the sooner this child dumped that giant chip off her shoulder, the faster she could heal and contribute to the Lily’s House family.
“Because I have to face the woman who’s responsible for killing my baby.” The words felt like sawdust in Saffron’s mouth, but the expression in the girl’s eyes showed they might have shaken her momentarily out of her self-pity. “But I’ll see you when I get back.”
Though I might not be back to stay, Saffron added silently. Anything was possible at this point, and she had to hold on to the idea that the feelings she still held for Tyson might mean something real.
5
Saffron and Halla made it to Temecula’s Windsor Crest area in a breezy five hours that had Halla swearing she was going to buy a Prius after she got her first real job.
“You have to finish college first,” Saffron reminded her.
“Yeah, I know, but I have fifty thousand followers on my blog already, and I’m thinking about monetizing it by adding advertising.” Halla had always been a writer, even in high school, and after a year of delaying college, her choice of journalism for a major in addition to an editing minor hadn’t surprised anyone except herself.
“You might as well.” Saffron brought the Prius to a stop in front of a one-story house. “It would help you pay for college.”
“So what now?” Halla asked.
Saffron had no idea. She stared up at the house that belonged to her parents. The place was smaller than she remembered, though still impressive. The immaculate lawn was very green and lacked any of the rock features that dotted many of the houses in California and Arizona. Sweeping trees, three garages, and arched windows gave it an air of wealth and permanence.
It didn’t look like a house owned by people who would throw their child away.
“It’s kind of impressive,” Halla said half apologetically.
“You haven’t seen the rockwork on the covered deck or around the pool,” Saffron said, trying to mask her urge to flee.
She remembered vividly her last day here, taking a taxi to the bus station and spending far too much of her small funds in the process. Her mother had stood in the doorway, hands on her hips and a determined expression on her face. That moment haunted Saffron’s dreams almost as much as the day at the hospital.
“I can’t do this,” Saffron whispered. “I can’t walk up there.”
Halla studied her. “Yes, you can—but maybe not today. Let’s go to our hotel. You’ve come a long way already, and I think your sister will agree to meet us there for at least the first visit. You can face your mother later.”
“Good idea.” With relief, Saffron put the car into gear and drove away from her mother’s house. “Can you get my phone and text her?”
Halla grinned. “You text. I’ll drive. Come on, stop the car and change places with me. You got all the fun on the way here.”
“Okay, okay.” Saffron edged over to the curb and traded places. She was tired of driving anyway—and hungry too. She was looking forward to digging deeper into the cooler of food Lily had sent with them and to maybe stretching out on a bed for a few minutes.
The thought of a bed brought an unbidden flash of memory to her mind. Of lying in her room with tears leaking down the sides of her face after her mother had told her to break up with Tyson. Before the baby. Before any of it.
“But I love him,” she’d declared. “I know you think I’m too young, and it’s not like I want to run off and get married. I want to go to college, and so does he. We just want to hang out. I’d like to bring him here.”
“You need to concentrate
on school,” her mother said in her clipped, no-nonsense voice. “You need to marry someone like your father, who can take care of you.”
Saffron didn’t even know what her father did, except that he worked for a big company and was always gone. During their last vacation to Catalina Island, he’d appeared for only one day. “Tyson’s father served in the military,” she told her mother. “That’s honorable.”
Her mother’s lips pursed. “My sources say he wasn’t in active combat, but he’s been collecting disability for ten years already. That’s not the kind of life I want for you.”
You mean for you, Saffron wanted to say.
“Promise me you won’t see him anymore.”
“We go to the same school. Of course I’m going to see him.”
“You know what I mean.” Her mother’s stare pierced her. “Break up with him now. It’s for your own good, Rosalyn. You may not understand that now, but you will one day.” With that she’d left, shutting the door with a decisive click.
“Saffron?” Halla said, calling her back to the present. “Aren’t you going to text your sister?”
Saffron banished the unhappy memory. “Oh, right. I think I’m a little tired. I didn’t sleep much last night.”
“Because of coming here or because of Vaughn?”
“Coming here,” Saffron said, but honesty forced her to admit: “Okay, maybe Vaughn too. He was fun to be with, but it’s not like we had a future or anything.”
“Because you’re still hung up on a guy you haven’t seen for nearly nine years?”
“Well, it sounds stupid when you say it that way. But you don’t know how it was between us. He was my other half.”
Halla glanced at her and then turned her attention back to the road in front of them. “What if he’s married now?”
Saffron’s heart twisted. “At least I’ll know.” If she hadn’t been able to move on, maybe he hadn’t either. It was a big chance, but one she had to take.
She turned on her phone and began texting. Kendall must have been waiting for news because she answered back immediately. “She says she can come in an hour,” Saffron said.
“That’ll give us time to get to the hotel. Does she have the address?”
Saffron was already copying and pasting the address into her conversation. “She does now.”
They’d chosen the Rodeway Inn because it cost less than most and was close to Saffron’s family. They checked in, and Saffron couldn’t help but see the hotel as her mother would see it: a place for those who couldn’t afford better.
“What a nice place,” Halla said as they entered the room, Lily’s small cooler between them.
Saffron hugged her. “Thank you for saying that.”
Halla gave her a confused look. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Let’s eat.”
They set their bags by the first twin bed and walked to the small table where they set the cooler. Halla dug through it. “I thought I saw some of Lily’s chicken salad. Was I imagining it?”
She wasn’t. There were also rolls, fruit, small bottles of juice, and a couple more of the turkey sandwiches they hadn’t eaten on the way. The food comforted Saffron, somehow reminding her of safety and love.
All too soon—and not soon enough—there was a knock on the door.
Halla grabbed her purse that was just large enough for her cell phone and her tiny wallet. “I’ll leave you two alone—after I meet her, of course.”
“Are you sure?” Saffron was suddenly nervous.
Halla gave her a wry smile. “Believe me, she doesn’t want me around, not after all these years of not seeing you.”
She had a point. Saffron gathered her scattered courage. “Okay then.”
“Text me if you need me,” Halla added.
“I will.” Saffron hurried to the door, pulling it open with a bit more force than necessary. Her eyes fell on a slender, pretty young woman she knew only from Facebook. Kendall had bleached hair that just reached her shoulders and she had grown taller than Saffron herself. There seemed to be no trace of the child she’d been.
“Hi,” Saffron said a bit breathlessly.
Kendall nodded, her blue eyes large in her narrow face. “Hi, Rosalyn—I mean Saffron.” A nervous hand tucked her hair behind her ear, revealing multiple piercings. Saffron leaned forward and hugged her, wanting to bridge the space between them. Her own sister, but she was a complete stranger. Saffron felt strangely disappointed, as if Kendall shouldn’t have grown at all while she’d been gone. Kendall hugged her back.
Halla stuck out her hand as Saffron released Kendall. “Hi, I’m Halla.”
The words jolted Saffron from her bad manners. “Oh, right. Halla’s my si—” She stopped. She’d been going to say “sister,” of course, as she always did, because Halla and the other girls were her family—but it felt wrong somehow to say now to her biological sister.
“Saffron and I are foster sisters,” Halla filled in smoothly. “We both lived at a place called Lily’s House. It’s nice to meet you.”
“You too.” Kendall’s voice was strained and tinged with anger as her eyes ran over Halla’s clothes, taking in the black tank top and camouflage cargo shorts that were her customary summer attire.
“I can sure tell you’re sisters,” Halla added, her head swinging between them. “You look a lot alike.”
Saffron supposed that was true. They had similar coloring and build, though Kendall was taller and thinner, and her hair whiter. Their eyes—inherited from their mother—were the same.
“Well, I’ll just leave you two to catch up.” With a smile, Halla slipped past Kendall and started down the hallway, humming softly.
“Come in,” Saffron said to Kendall.
Kendall came inside, stalking rather than walking, then paused and waited until Saffron passed her, heading to the table.
“We were just eating,” Saffron said, settling into one of the two chairs. “You hungry?”
Kendall winced slightly before smoothing her features. “No, thank you.”
“So . . . it’s good to see you.” The words felt lame compared to the emotions in Saffron’s heart. She wanted to ask a billion questions, to touch her sister’s face and smooth the strands of her hair as she had when they were younger.
Kendall didn’t sit. “So she’s your sister now? I guess I was pretty easy to replace.”
Saffron stared up at Kendall’s taut face. “Of course nothing could replace you. It’s not like that.”
“Then what’s it like?”
“Please sit?” Saffron hadn’t thought of the situation from her sister’s point of view, but she was right to be upset.
Kendall’s nostrils flared as she placed her phone and car keys on the table and dropped into a chair. “Okay, look, I need to get something out. I want to be clear. Why didn’t you come back sooner?”
Saffron hesitated in her response. How to explain when she was asking herself the same question?
“I know you and Mom had problems,” Kendall rushed on, “but that wasn’t my fault. I looked up to you. I missed you! I keep wondering why you didn’t contact me sooner, and . . . and I guess I’m a little hurt. It doesn’t help when you show up with her.” Kendall glanced toward the closed door. “You’re close, aren’t you? I can tell. It’s not like you really need me, so why are you even here?”
“I’m sorry I stayed away so long. I should have come back sooner. And I really want to get to know you. It’s just . . .” Saffron knew she should have gotten over losing her baby. Except she hadn’t.
Grief swept through her in a rush, as if it were a new emotion, not one dimmed by time. The feeling was always present, but when it flared like this, she was always surprised at how overwhelmingly fresh and raw it felt.
Tears made it hard to see. “There’s a reason,” she said finally. “I just don’t know if it will seem like enough to you.”
Kendall jumped to her feet. “That’s right, because I don’t understand! I can’t
see what would be so awful that you would leave me. I waited and waited for you to come back. Even Mom thought you would come for dad’s funeral, but you didn’t. Not even a phone call.”
“Funeral?” Shock waved through Saffron. She felt stupid, as if she couldn’t quite understand the words. Her brain was struggling to keep up, and her mouth held the distinct flavor of ashes. “How did he—? When?” How could she not have known her father was dead? He’d never been around as she was growing up, but he’d been a constant in their lives, if only from a distance.
“You didn’t know?” Kendall sat back down, more subdued now. “Well, he died of a heart attack in Japan when he was on a business trip. It was the August after you left.”
August. The grief swelled again, and she couldn’t help the tears. But they weren’t for her father. She didn’t know him well enough to cry for him.
“I’m sorry,” Kendall said. “I didn’t know that you hadn’t heard.” She placed her hand over Saffron’s on the table, gazing at her with concern, her earlier anger gone. In that instant, Saffron saw the little girl Kendall had been, and the grief inside widened. She’d lost more than her son and the man she loved when she’d left here. She’d also lost Kendall, but only this minute did she glimpse how much she’d cheated both of them. She’d been too wrapped up in her private pain to care about anything else.
Kendall appeared to be waiting for more—and she deserved an explanation. “I had a baby,” Saffron said, trying to blink back tears. “August was when he was born. The month after I turned seventeen.”
“You have a son?” Kendall’s eyes looked huge in her narrow face.
Saffron shook her head. “Not anymore,” she whispered. The words sounded slow to her ears, and garbled as if she were under water. “I wasn’t healthy, and he came three months early.” She paused, knowing she had to say the rest. “He only lived a little while.”
“Oh, no! I’m so sorry.” Kendall sat back in her chair, folding her arms over her stomach. “But suddenly it all makes a little more sense. Why you left, I mean.”
“It’s why Mom made me leave.” Saffron’s vehemence was more pronounced than she intended, though it was only a fraction of her real feelings. “She suspected about the baby, and when she heard me throwing up, she confronted me. I had the pregnancy test right there in my hand, so not much chance of putting her off. I told her I planned to marry Tyson and keep the baby, and she said if I wanted to be an idiot, I’d have to do it alone. Then she took my phone and ordered me to leave the house before Dad got home.”
Broken Lies Page 5