A son. I have a son.
He awoke at nine on Sunday morning. After a ten-minute shower and fifteen minutes of staring at himself in the bathroom mirror, working up the courage, he forced himself to leave the room and make the trek across the entire inn to Saffron’s room. He stood outside her door, heart pounding, for another five minutes before he finally knocked.
No answer.
He knocked harder. Still no answer—and his anxiety cranked up. Had she already left? No, she wouldn’t leave Kendall so soon. She was just out somewhere. Maybe with her sister. Unless she’d changed rooms or hotels to get away from him.
He checked the time to see that it was ten. Somewhat guiltily, he remembered that his mother liked him to help get his father ready for church at nine. Well, if his father couldn’t manage with all the new improvements, his mother would find a way. She always did.
Bitterness fell over him like a thin, sticky film. So much had been lost, and all because of a few lies.
He wandered back to his room, not sure how he’d retraced his steps without paying attention. His phone rang, and expecting his mother, he answered it without checking the caller ID.
“Hello?”
“Hi there. It’s me.”
“Jana.” He sat at the small table near the window, the upset seeping from him.
“I decided to drive down to surprise you,” she said. “You sounded tense last night, so I want to take you somewhere fun. But I’m at your parents’ and your car isn’t in the driveway, and no one is answering the door.”
“Sorry,” he said. “Actually, I stayed at a hotel last night.”
“Oh.” Amusement filled her voice. “Don’t tell me you took my advice to make your old room into a den for your father.”
“No. It’s . . . I just learned something last night. It’s been a bit of a shock.” He’d never lied to her and he wasn’t about to start. “I needed some space from them.”
“Then is now a bad time?” A hint of stiffness had entered her voice. “Because I can just drive home, and we can talk tomorrow as we planned.”
He wanted to tell her that might be best, but he was hesitant. He was distinctly aware, as he hadn’t been years ago with Saffron, that his choices in this one moment could affect both their futures. Besides, Jana wouldn’t sleep tonight not knowing what was going on, and he hated to cause her stress.
“No, let’s have breakfast. I’d like to see you.”
He’d like to feel normal again. But had he ever felt normal? Because now that Saffron was back, he didn’t seem to feel anything like his former self. All his emotions had multiplied, as if Saffron’s very presence had propelled him backward in time.
For a poignant moment, he wished it had.
But did he really? Would he give up his career and where he was in life now to find out where his relationship with Saffron might have taken him?
He wasn’t sure. Did that mean his mother had taken the right path?
No. He wouldn’t condone her actions.
Thoughts were still tumbling through his head when he arrived at Penfold’s Café, where he planned to meet Jana. She arrived after him, and as he watched her walk across the parking lot to where he waited, a calm spread through him. She moved with sureness and grace. Her long, dark hair lifted in the light breeze, fanning out over her shoulders that were left bare by her blue sundress. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss that further settled him.
She regarded him with a furrowed brow, her dark lashes shuttering her thoughts. “Are you okay? What happened last night? Do you want a listening ear, or would you prefer to talk about something else?”
“I do need to talk to you.”
“Okay, then.” She took his hand, and they entered the restaurant.
Everything came out. By the time he was finished telling her about seeing Saffron, what his mother had done, and the son he never knew he had, they were seated at a relatively private table and their breakfast was sitting in front of them. Neither of them made a move to start eating.
Jana looked as stunned as he felt. “No wonder you sounded so strange last night. I’m sorry.”
Her sympathy brought to his eyes the tears he hadn’t yet shed. “No, I’m sorry to put this all on you.”
She gave him a sad smile. “It is a lot. I don’t know how to begin feeling about it, and I’m not you. But we’ll get through it. You’ll have to talk to her, of course.”
“Of course.”
They both took a bite of scrambled eggs, and for a moment they were silent. At first it was an easy silence, but it quickly became awkward. Jana set down her fork and put her hand over his. “Do you think you might still have feelings for her?”
Again, he experienced the sense that what he said could change everything. “Yes, but I don’t know what those feelings are. It’s been almost a decade. I-I need to know about my son.”
“I know. That’s huge.” Jana stared down at her eggs and fruit, still touching him. “Look, this is freaking me out a little. I thought things were settled between us. I thought you—”
Loved me.
She didn’t need to say the words. They hung in the air like a fog that obliterated their future.
Tyson followed the curve of her face to the mouth he wanted desperately to kiss. “I do love you, Jana. This is not the way I wanted to tell you but . . . I-I bought a ring.”
A little gasp told him she was pleased.
“But I need time to deal with this,” he added.
Her gaze lowered and the words came softly. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. I know you, Tyson, and you are so decisive about everything in your life—except moving forward with me. I used to think it was because you were afraid of commitment, but now . . . I wonder if it’s because you still love her.”
Could he after almost nine years? Yes. Saffron had changed, but he felt he knew her. Seeing her had brought him back to the days when loving her had seemed as necessary as breathing.
Jana wasn’t through. “Or maybe it’s because she broke your heart. We haven’t been dating all that long, and I wasn’t expecting a ring, but I have felt you holding back. I think this is why. But I do love you, Tyson.”
“I’m sorry,” he told her. “I’m sorry about all of it.”
“I know.”
They finished eating, and then he walked her to her car, where their passionate kiss felt more like a permanent goodbye than a “see you soon.”
He forced himself to turn and jog back to his own car, so as not to see her drive away. Life was crazy. One minute he’d been sure of the direction his was heading—and now everything had changed.
9
Saffron looked up from the remains of her hamburger and french fries. She’d needed a mound of carbohydrates to find the courage to face her mother. A walk on the beach in Oceanside that morning had also helped clear her head and prepare herself.
“Aren’t we cutting it short to get to your mom’s?” Halla asked as they walked out to the car.
They’d stopped at a burger joint on their way out of Oceanside and it was still almost forty minutes to Saffron’s old house. If they hurried, they might make their two o’clock meeting time.
“The shorter, the better,” Saffron said. “So I don’t change my mind.”
“Right.” Halla snapped her finger and pointed at her. “I forgot you’re still in denial.”
“And I intend to stay that way.” Saffron clicked the key fob to unlock the car doors and then tossed the key to Halla. “You drive. I’m going to make a list of things I intend to say to her.”
Halla’s eyes brightened. “Ooh, you mean like ‘why are you such an evil witch’ and ‘you ruined my life’ sort of stuff?”
“Exactly.” Saffron waited until they were in the car before adding quietly, “She did ruin my life.”
Halla didn’t start the car but reached for her hand. “No, because your life is not ruined. You’ve made the best of a terrible situation. Yes, you made a mistake, bu
t hers was so huge that she lost her daughter. No matter what kind of a woman she is, remember that. She has to care about you on some level. Or did at one time.”
“Maybe,” was all the leeway Saffron would allow. “But when I saw Tyson, I wanted to throw myself at him. You know? Like old times. I felt the same kind of connection to him. That special little thing inside that said he was mine. I’ve never had that with any other guy.”
“Only because you didn’t let yourself.” Halla squeezed her hand. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”
“Well, you may have to keep telling me that because I’m wondering now what might have happened if I’d done something differently back then. Why didn’t I confide to a friend or teacher? My mother couldn’t have made me get rid of the baby. Why didn’t I go to Tyson’s and sit outside his door until he came home?” Now that she was older, a myriad of alternatives seemed at hand, but eight and a half years ago, none of them had occurred to her.
“Because you were sixteen, and you didn’t know everything you know now. You made the best decision you knew how.”
“What I needed was Lily.”
Halla laughed. “We all needed Lily. In a way, we’re the lucky ones. At least we found her.”
She was right. Despite everything bad Saffron had endured, finding Lily and the girls had saved her.
“But he said I was the one who left. And maybe he’s right. In a way I did abandon him. And what if he was not only The One but The One and Only?”
“That’s what you’re here to find out, and if you’re meant to be, that spark will still be there.” Halla withdrew her hand and put the key into the ignition. “But I’m finding it hard to believe you felt any connection while you were yelling at him.”
Saffron grimaced. “Yelling?”
“Yes.”
“Well, let’s just say I’m talented at complicating things. And whatever it was, it felt good.”
“For what it’s worth, I think you do need to sit down and chat with him. And sooner rather than later.”
“I know.” Saffron pulled up her note app and started typing. “Okay, subjects I’m going to talk to her about. How did that first thing you said go? ‘Why are you such an evil witch,’ I think it was.”
“Oh, I can come up with more colorful adjectives, if you want. How about an immoral, cruel, nasty, revolting, horrid, sickening, wicked witch? I especially like the ‘wicked’ because it seems to fit so well.”
Saffron laughed. “Thanks for making me feel better. I’ll write down all of those. It’s only the beginning.”
But as Halla drove, humming along with the radio, Saffron came up with only a few more things: Why didn’t you look for me? Why couldn’t you accept Tyson? How could you turn your back on your daughter?
And the biggest of all: Why did you let your grandson die?
The list was small and woefully inadequate. There was more she wanted to say—like why her mother would rather have her sneaking around with Tyson than welcoming him into their home where they could be loved and taught and guided. But she could barely put that together in thoughts, much less into words.
She was relieved to receive a text from Vaughn: Hey, what are you up to?
Grimacing, she responded, Going to see the evil witch.
Do you need a bucket of water . . . or a sword?
Maybe both.
A pause, and then he wrote, I assume the witch is your mother?
Yes.
I’m sorry.
Thanks. Saffron hoped he’d leave it at that.
Instead, she saw the words: I’ve always wanted to slay an evil witch. I think it would be something I’m good at.
She couldn’t help her smile. Probably. You’re good at everything.
I’ll never know unless I try. Do you want me to come with you? I can borrow a car and be there in a few hours.
Surprise flooded her at his willingness to drop everything when they were no longer a couple.
Well? he said when she didn’t respond.
Thanks, but this is something I have to do alone. Well, Halla is with me.
Good about Halla. That makes me feel better. Call me if you need to talk. I’ll keep the phone handy.
Okay.
There was nothing more, and Saffron had to stifle the urge to continue the conversation. She needed to focus on what she’d say to her mother.
Still, she wished Vaughn could come slay her dragons. Her mother would be charmed in an instant. He had a way of talking to strangers that made him seem like a friend. It was why he was such a good teacher, even if it wasn’t his life’s calling. Or if her mother wasn’t charmed, it wouldn’t matter because Vaughn would put his arm around Saffron and she’d feel like a million bucks, even if the image of herself she saw in her mother’s eyes was trash.
No, I have to stand up for myself, she thought. For so many years Lily had been her champion, followed by her long line of boyfriends. This confrontation was something Saffron needed to do on her own.
Well, not entirely alone. She had the tiny dynamo of a crutch called Halla. But Halla’s strength was in such a small package that her mother didn’t ever have to know how much help Halla offered.
The tires swallowed the miles to Temecula, and when the GPS directed them to turn down her mother’s street, Saffron’s heart started jumping around in her chest. She still hadn’t added anything more to her list.
“Already?” she muttered.
“We’re ten minutes late,” Halla countered. “Text your sister, would you?”
“Just did.”
Saffron’s stomach started to ache as she waited for Kendall to emerge from the house, making the large lunch seem like a bad idea now. Kendall was probably sneaking out the back and going around, so as not to pass by her mother in the living room. Kendall wouldn’t be using the garage door, either, because that would alert their mother for sure and evoke a million questions.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” Saffron whispered, her mouth and throat hurting with dryness.
“So let’s kidnap Kendall and drive away,” Halla said. “Kendall’s eighteen so it’s not like your mother can send the cops after us. Should I keep the engine ready?” Her voice was gently mocking.
“Okay, turn off the engine.”
Halla obeyed. “Think of it this way. You’ve had two days to adjust to the idea of confronting her and a lifetime of thinking about what you’re going to say. She, on the other hand, has no idea you’re coming. That’s a huge advantage right there. You have the upper hand.” She glanced toward the house. “Besides, you’ve got someone else to protect, remember?”
Kendall was coming from around the side of the house as Saffron had predicted, moving slowly and glancing at the house every so often. It could have been Saffron sneaking out to meet Tyson nine years ago, and it tore her heart a little to see that nothing had changed.
She climbed from the car, wishing her stomach would settle, but when Kendall reached her, she was so pale that Saffron made her sit in the passenger seat. “What’s wrong?”
“I just don’t think I can do this.”
Saffron noted that Kendall’s words closely mirrored her own only a few minutes earlier, and her resolve strengthened. “Yes, you can. But when was the last time you ate?”
“This morning.”
“Then you need more food. You have to eat protein more often or you’ll feel sicker. And it’s good for the baby.” Saffron climbed back in the car and said to Halla, “Let’s get her some food.”
Soon they were at a fast food drive up, ordering a grilled chicken sandwich and more fries. Afterward, Halla pulled over to the curb so Kendall could eat.
“You don’t have to do this at all if you don’t want to,” Saffron said, watching Kendall gulp down her sandwich. “You could pack up and come home to Phoenix with me.”
“But my life is here,” Kendall said through a mouthful of food. “I just want to get married and be happy. I know I was stupid. We should have gotten
married first and waited a few years to have a kid, but I love Joel, and we can do this. I want Mom to be excited about the baby.”
Hadn’t Saffron said the exact same words to her mother? “Well, you’re eighteen and can move out and stay in town. She won’t have any say in that.”
“But Joel . . . He doesn’t have a place yet. If mom would let us live with her for a year, it would really help.”
Did Kendall think their mother would support them until they finished growing up and could take on the role of adults? Next, she’d be asking if Joel could come live with Saffron. An uneasiness fluttered through her mind.
“Well, what’ll it be?” asked Halla. “We can pack Kendall up and head to Phoenix.”
“No,” Saffron and Kendall said together.
“I have to see my mother eventually,” Saffron said. “But I can see her alone.”
Kendall grimaced. “I’m starting to show. She’s gonna find out if I don’t tell her, so I’d better do it now. I want you with me—and Halla too. She won’t get so mad with you two around.”
“What about Joel?” Halla asked. “Shouldn’t he be here to tell her with you?”
The corners of Kendall’s mouth turned slightly downward. “I did ask Joel, but Mom’s been really rude to him, and it’d be a huge fight, so it’s probably better that he’s helping his cousin move today.”
“We could wait another day,” Saffron said.
Kendall shook her head and didn’t quite meet her eyes. Was she even telling the truth? Saffron had told lies herself as a teen—mostly about where she’d been after school. In the end, those lies had cost her Tyson and their son. Sudden grief threatened to choke her. Saffron stared out the window, struggling against the emotion, glad she was in the back so the others wouldn’t notice.
Kendall ate the rest of her food as they waited. Saffron silently willed her to hurry and also to never finish. Maybe she was going crazy.
The vibrating of her phone signaled another message. It was from Vaughn. Hey, are you still alive? Did you forget the bucket of water? And did you make sure your sword was made of pure silver in case she’s really a vampire? Or is that for werewolves? I get them mixed up.
Broken Lies Page 9