The spider commander drew his pistol and shot The Nose in the nose, killing him instantly. It was messy. Arthropodan marines burst into the office, pointing assault rifles at the gangsters.
“You Mafia thugs are all under arrest,” announced the spider commander. “I have little tolerance for your ilk. Be glad I didn’t have you all summarily executed.”
“Sir, we are but respectable businessmen,” argued Juardo. “I am a member of the New Memphis Chamber of Commerce and the Rotary Club. Can’t we work out some kind of arrangement?”
“At present you have nothing I want,” replied the spider commander. “Until that changes, you will rot in a dank, dark dungeon.”
“I’ll tell you what I do have,” said Juardo, reaching inside his vest pocket and removing a letter. “I have a message from your governor.”
The spider commander read the letter, which said, ‘Please cooperate with my friend, Saviano Juardo, and his associates in our effort to create an economic prosperity zone in New Gobi City. Together we can guide an already robust economy to new heights. Sincerely, Arthropodan Governor of the North Territory.’
“Now, are we all on the same page?” asked Juardo.
“This says nothing about allowing you to take over the Marriott Hotel and operate casinos in New Gobi.”
“The governor can’t put that in writing or risk being recorded,” explained Juardo. “But when you read between the lines, his message is clear. We have an agreement to do business. I have permission to put in my slots.”
“I am to read between the lines that you have bought the governor?” asked the spider commander. “You want me to assume this letter is legitimate? We’ll see about that. Lock them up!”
Their prison cell under Marine Headquarters consisted of a large open bay filled with other prisoners. All were spiders except one human sitting in the corner. Juardo walked up to the human inmate. “I am Saviano Juardo,” he said, shaking hands. “Who are you?”
“Mark Mitchell,” replied the human. “Dude, I’m so glad to see you. I was the only human locked up here until now. These spiders keep stealing my meals. I’ve lost thirty pounds at least.”
“What are you in for?” asked Juardo.
“Smuggling skateboards,” said Mitchell. “But it’s a totally bogus charge. The spiders are just ripping me off. They impounded my truck, too.”
“Possession of skateboards can’t be too serious a charge,” commented Juardo. “When do you get out? I need someone to contact my people.”
“Dude, I think they’re going to shoot me,” said Mitchell. “They won’t give me a lawyer or tell me anything.”
“Do we have access to a phone?” asked Juardo.
“Dream on, dude,” said Mitchell. “We don’t have access to anything. What are your charges?”
“We are political prisoners,” replied Juardo. “We were arrested for being Italian out of season. It’s all just one big failure to communicate. I hope to cut a deal.”
“Your two spider friends don’t look Italian,” observed Mitchell. “Are you Mafia? Are you connected?”
“There is no such thing as the Mafia,” said Juardo. “How do we get out of here? Can we bribe the guards?”
“Only if you have money,” said Mitchell. “Unfortunately, I don’t have any.”
At lunch time, three spider inmates came over to Mitchell and stole his meal tray, again. Mitchell did not resist or object. Juardo watched the spiders gather at the opposite side of the lockup as they ate and talked. They gave Juardo and the others hard looks. The spider inmates were still sizing up the new human pestilence and their two spider friends. Juardo and the other Mafioso waited for an opportunity, then jumped the top spider from behind and beat him to the floor. Once down, the Mafioso kicked and stomped the spider leader almost to death. The fight was over in seconds. Guards found the spider unconscious, and took him away to the hospital. There was no more stealing of food.
* * * * *
The spider commander called the Governor of the North Territory on the phone for an explanation. He read the letter again as he picked up the phone. The letter appeared to be authentic.
“Good afternoon, commander,” said the governor, cheerfully. “By now Juardo and his thugs have contacted you with a business proposition. What was your reaction to their offer?”
“I shot David the Nose Silverio and threw the others in prison, pending execution and an explanation from you,” answered the spider commander. “I hope you have an explanation. I recorded and documented the whole affair.”
“Excellent,” said the governor. “I knew you were my most reliable commander and would pass my little test. Continue your documentation. I want signed confessions. Then dispose of them. I intend to use this incident as a pretext to demolish the Riverfront Casino Hotel here in New Memphis. Juardo owns it. I will start excavations immediately. All their assets will be seized.”
“This seems like a lot of trouble to go through for one hotel and a few thugs,” commented the spider commander. “Why jump through all these hoops? Why not just send in the tanks, blast the casino hotel, and arrest Juardo in the first place?”
“New Memphis is under joint jurisdiction,” explained the governor. “I need justification to evoke emergency powers and take such actions long-term. After the Riverfront Casino Hotel is destroyed, there will be precedent established. It will all be nice and legal. The other casino hotels will fall like dominoes, and the Legion will be powerless to stop us.”
* * * * *
Late at night, Saviano Juardo looked out through the small jail door window at the spider guard in the hallway. The spider was sitting in a chair asleep. Juardo could see a team leader in another section unlocking a door to check on the guard.
“Hey, marine!” shouted Juardo. “Wake up!”
“Quiet, you puny human pestilence!” responded the spider guard, striking the cell door with his night stick. “Don’t make me come in there.”
“Your sergeant is sneaking up on you,” warned Juardo. “I was just looking out for your welfare. Everyone knows that sergeant is out to get you. I noticed that right away, when I first got here.”
“You are right about that,” commented the spider guard, now seeing the team leader. “Thanks.”
The team leader entered the hallway abruptly. “Stay alert!” snapped the team leader. “These Mafia types are dangerous.”
“It’s all under control,” replied the spider guard, rapping the cell door again with his baton. “I have had no problems with them at all.”
“Don’t even talk to them,” said the team leader, as he left. “That Juardo gangster is very manipulative.”
After the team leader left, Juardo resumed the conversation. “He thinks you are too stupid to know how to talk to prisoners,” said Juardo. “He doesn’t realize it is you who keeps this place from falling apart. That team leader is a fool to not appreciate all you do here. I bet he has not once said ‘fine job’ for all you do.”
“You are right about that,” said the spider guard.
“Sometimes it seems like they promote only pricks and fools,” commented Juardo. “Have you ever noticed that?”
“All the time,” said the spider guard. “It is like it is a prerequisite to be incompetent before they promote anyone to team leader.”
“You know who I am, right?” asked Juardo. “I’m not a criminal. I am the owner of the Riverfront Casino Hotel Resort in New Memphis.”
“I heard,” said the spider guard. “I have been there. It’s a nice place.”
“Next time you are there, ask for me,” said Juardo. “I’ll comp you the whole weekend.”
“Thanks,” said the spider guard.
“What are they going to do with me?” asked Juardo.
“Interrogation starts at dawn,” said the spider guard. “I heard they want full written confessions.”
“They are going to torture me,” said Juardo. “I can’t handle torture. I have a weak heart.”
“How would you like a new job?” asked Juardo. “I need an experienced, qualified spider marine like you to head up my security detail at the Riverside Casino. Your commander shot my old security chief. You want the job? Could you handle a substantial pay raise?”
“That would be great,” replied the spider guard. “But, I don’t trust any human pestilence. No offense to present company.”
“I don’t blame you,” said Juardo. “You can’t be too careful these days.”
“Saviano Juardo is a righteous boss,” said Tony the Claw, joining the conversation. “He treats us spiders with dignity and respect. And he pays good, too.”
“I’ll tell you what,” said Juardo. “Because you are my friend, I want to help you out with a gift. Pass me your communications pad, and I’ll put ten thousand credits on your card, no strings attached. You don’t have to do anything for me. I just want to pay you for being kind enough to have this conversation with a condemned man.”
“See,” said Tony the Claw. “I told you he was a generous and righteous human.”
The spider guard passed his pad through the bars, and Juardo, as promised, put ten thousand Imperial Credits on the spider guard’s account. As Juardo was about to pass the pad back, he hesitated, keeping the communications pad. Juardo quickly sent a text message to New Memphis.
“Give my pad back,” ordered the spider guard. “You said no strings attached.”
“How about I put one hundred thousand credits on your card?” asked Juardo. “It would be a signing bonus for accepting my chief of security position at the Riverfront Casino.”
“I don’t know,” said the spider guard. “What about the risk?”
“There is no risk,” said Juardo. “New Memphis is outside your commander’s jurisdiction. Besides, what about the risk you already took? What if your team leader finds out you gave me your communications pad to access the database, send messages about my escape plans, and put one hundred thousand credits on your card? What about those risks? Unlock this door, now, or I tell your sergeant about your duplicity!”
The spider guard unlocked the cell door, releasing all the Mafioso and the truck driver, Mitchell. They fled out fire-escape doors through Marine Headquarters. More Mafioso picked them up by car for the trip to New Memphis. Tony the Claw slit the spider guard’s throat and threw him in a roadside ditch just outside of town.
* * * * *
When the spider Governor of the North Territory announced that the Riverfront Casino Hotel Resort was being seized and demolished under their Racketeering Forfeiture Act, General Daly immediately ordered the Legion’s First Division to parachute into New Memphis to protect American lives and property. The legionnaires were supposed to land on Casino Row by the river, but winds scattered them all over the city. The spiders were convinced the Legion had launched a general invasion and occupation of all of New Memphis, and rushed troops to confront the attack.
I landed at Casino Row by boat with our mechanized armor, avoiding the parachute drop because of my aversion to jumping out of perfectly good airplanes. We raced down Elvis Boulevard in my armored car to help establish a perimeter and supervise checkpoints. Private Wayne drove the armored car to the drive-up window at Taco Bell to order lunch.
“We want fifty tacos, twenty-five burritos, fourteen big gulp Pepsi drinks, and one Diet Pepsi,” ordered Private Wayne. Legionnaires piled out of the armored car to secure a small perimeter around Taco Bell. “Do you take out-of-area coupons?”
I paid for lunch with my Legion gas card. Taking my lead, legionnaires in other armored cars and a tank formed a line at the Taco Bell drive-up window.
When the first Arthropodan marines arrived at the edge of town, there was some initial shooting, followed by an uneasy truce. The spider general commanding the New Memphis sector met me under a white flag of truce. I offered him a bag of tacos.
“Thank you, Colonel Czerinski,” said the spider general. “Do you have any special lava fire hot sauce?”
“Sorry,” I said. “It was a rush order and Private Wayne pigged it all.”
“Get your own special lava hot sauce!” shouted Private Wayne, still eating.
“What are you doing out of your sandbox in New Gobi?” asked the spider general. “Don’t you know you are in violation of the treaty prohibiting large-scale troop movement in New Memphis? This is another ill-advised provocation by the Legion.”
“Save your rhetoric for the press,” I said. “It’s just you and me and our armies here today. We both know your governor tried to seize the Casino District with Intelligentsia State Security Police. I arrested your cops, but you can have them all back.”
“You can keep those Gestopo pricks,” commented the spider general. “Throw them in the New Mississippi River for all I care.”
“Sorry,” I replied. “Rules of war say you get them back at the end of hostilities. Hostilities are over, right?”
“For now,” said the spider general. “I have warrants of arrest for fugitives Mark Mitchell, Saviano Juardo, Lewis Pena, Tony the Claw, and Eight Legs Roman. The charges are murder, racketeering, and prison-escape. I have reason to believe they are en route to Juardo’s Riverfront Casino. I expect you will cooperate in their arrest and extradition, if you want the truce to hold.”
“Of course,” I said. “I am always happy to comply with terms of the Anti-Organized Crime and Terrorism Treaty.”
“Also, this latest adventurism by the Legion will not be tolerated,” warned the spider general. “The First Division will have to leave New Memphis.”
“Not likely,” I said. “You know as well as I do that we are just cleaning up a mess caused by your governor. Besides, I brought nukes with me. I am not going anywhere without a messy fight.”
“You will not use nukes inside a mostly human pestilence city,” said the spider general. “It would be bad form. And colonels don’t have that authority.”
“Maybe,” I said. “Maybe not. It depends on whether I’ve taken my medication lately. Sometimes I get unstable.”
“It’s true!” shouted Private Wayne, wiping hot sauce from his mandibles. “He gets crazy around nukes. I lost track of how many nukes Czerinski has set off all over the galaxy.”
“When I want your opinion, Private Wayne, I’ll ask for it!” I yelled over my shoulder. Smiling, I turned back to the spider general. “Good help is hard to find. As you can see, we are even hiring you spiders.”
“You have until the end of the week to get your armor out of New Memphis,” warned the spider general. “After that, we resume joint jurisdiction whether you like it or not.”
* * * * *
“We cannot go back to New Memphis,” argued Lewis Pena. “The Legion has occupied Casino Row and seized the Riverfront Hotel. The spiders want to demolish your hotel. They say you forfeited the Riverfront after we were all tried and convicted in absentia.”
“That fast?” asked Juardo.
“I can live off the land up in the hill country until they stop looking for us,” said Tony the Claw. “I am not going back to New Memphis either.”
“Dude, I have trucker friends who can sneak us past checkpoints and hide us,” insisted Mitchell. “I can’t play Daniel Boone out here in the sticks. We can hitch a ride to anywhere until we are able to change our identities.”
“I do not want to change my identity,” advised Juardo. “I’m going to fight this. My money and property is all in New Memphis. They can’t steal it from me. We are going to New Memphis.”
“You Italians think you are so smart,” said Pena. “But you wise guys blew it for all of us by threatening that spider commander. Screw you. I’m crossing the MDL and going south. We should be safe from Imperial arrest warrants in the USGF.”
“The Empire can demand extradition from anywhere on New Colorado because of the murder charge,” said Eight Legs. “That’s your fault, Tony!”
“Tha
t dumb guard was too much trouble,” said Tony the Claw. “I need to travel light.”
“We won’t be able to get past the checkpoints,” commented Juardo, now giving up on returning to New Memphis. “I have a friend we can borrow a boat from. We can travel south on the New Mississippi River. We need to put distance between us and the spiders as soon as possible. Then we can start a new life. Rackets can be run anywhere.”
Everyone agreed to go south. They drove to the New Mississippi River and borrowed the boat from Juardo’s associate, easily crossing the MDL. They stopped at the town of Cottonwood to rest and get cash. At the bank they found that Juardo’s assets had been frozen.
“Let’s just rob this bank,” suggested Pena. “That would solve our cash problems.”
“Are you serious?” asked Juardo. “Can’t you think or plan more than a day in advance? We need to keep a low profile, not draw heat from the American side, too. Robbing banks will just get us arrested and extradited that much faster.”
“Then we should have robbed a spider bank before we crossed the MDL,” fumed Pena.
“There will be no robbing of banks,” repeated Juardo.
“You go do what you want,” said Pena, walking away. “I don’t need you. I can take care of myself.”
Pena went inside the bank. He patted the pistol under his shirt for comfort. The bank had no security guards. It would be easy to rob this little bank, thought Pena. But, Juardo is right. I need a plan. How could I escape and hide after the robbery? Pena shrugged and turned to walk out.
“Lewis, it has been a long time,” said an ATM at the bank entrance. “You don’t look so well. Have you not been eating right?”
“What?” said Pena, staring at the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion recruitment ATM. “You talking to me?”
“Your photograph on the TV news shows you during much happier times,” said the ATM. “Would you be interested in bringing back those good times by reenlisting in the Foreign Legion?”
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