by Rebecca Rose
“I love watching you dance. I have the grace of a rhinoceros.”
“You just don’t have quick feet.”
“Thanks for trying to make me feel better, but the truth is the truth.”
The girls smiled at one another, and Sophie thought about how special their childhood friendship was. They shared everything, and nothing was off-limits to talk about… except for what happened with Jake. Sophie still couldn’t bring herself to discuss it. Kathy might not understand, and Sophie didn’t want her friend judging Jake before meeting him. Besides, Sophie didn’t totally understand herself. She needed time to process and decide exactly what she wanted. Unfortunately, all her thoughts kept going back to needing Jake.
“Sophie? You okay?”
“Sorry, Kathy. There’re a few things on my mind.”
“Do they have to do with a certain man?”
Sophie gave her a sly smile. “Maybe. You would have met him if you’d come to the Halloween party.”
“I was visiting my brother,” Kathy said with a wistful look in her eyes. “I love his kids.”
“And someday you’ll have a brood of them.”
“Yup, and they all will learn ballet from one of the best when she stops being stubborn and opens the studio.”
Sophie studied the room surrounding her. She took in the feel of it, the vastness of the space, the mirrored walls, and the long barre waiting for legs to be stretched on them. “It’s not time yet.”
Chapter Ten
The chairs were comfortable enough, and most of the people seemed friendly. And yet Jake still wasn’t sure if he belonged in what he termed “crazy class” instead of group therapy. Asking for help seemed to feel like a weakness. He’d been trained to take charge, follow orders, and put feelings and fears aside until the time came to deal with them. But after talking with Dave at the gym, Jake decided now seemed to be the right time to manage the baggage he’d successfully packed and hidden away. Besides, what did he have to lose?
None of the faces were familiar, but they all wore the same blank, bottomless expressions. He knew that look. It was the I can’t believe I’m doing this—I’m stronger than this look. Watching a man across the circle from him, Jake not only saw but felt the vile anger he prominently displayed with the way he was sitting. His arms were crossed tight as he slouched in his chair and stared at a spot above everyone’s head. Yes, Jake knew; he’d worn that look himself more than once.
“Okay, we’re going to go around the room, introduce ourselves, and say what we’re going to work on today,” the director said. “Who’s going to go first?”
Everyone either looked down or averted their eyes to avoid the imminent task.
“I’ll go,” the woman next to Jake said. “I’m Trisha, and I want to learn how to deal with my anxiety better.” She then looked at Jake. He felt a small bead of sweat roll down his back as he pressed his hands firmly together. All eyes were on him. His heart beat so hard he wondered why everyone in the room didn’t see it pulsing in his chest.
“I’m Jake and I want to work on post-traumatic stress.” Well, that wasn’t too bad, Jake decided as the man sitting on his other side spoke. Like riding a bike.
After introductions, the group broke for ten minutes, then they separated into smaller clusters for dependency abuse or emotional support. Following his need to help, Jake walked to the irritated man who still sat across from him.
“Hey,” he said.
“What?”
Taken back by the quick response, Jake tried another tactic. “Not too happy about being here, are ya?”
With venomous eyes, the man turned and faced Jake. “Really? You can tell? I didn’t think anyone would notice.”
“Guess I just have good instincts.”
“Well, if you did, you wouldn’t have crossed the room to talk to me.” The man stood and walked away. Then, with a huff, he sat in a chair away from everyone.
“That’s Doc Murphy,” Trisha told Jake. “He served in Afghanistan. Not a real friendly sort. Think he saw too much.”
“I think we all saw too much if we’re here,” Jake said with a weary smile.
His new friend gave a little laugh. “Isn’t that the truth?”
When break ended, the soldiers sat in a small circle to talk about how they were going to meet their goals for the day. Jake took the chair next to Doc Murphy, who slumped away from him.
Listening and watching his comrades was heartbreaking. Marriages failing, lack of trust, financial ruin, anger without a true understanding of where it came from, fear of failure. Jake slowly came to understand he should’ve come back sooner. As much as he’d felt the ceiling and walls were going to cave in or everyone would look at him as if he were the lunatic of the year, Jake now realized that wasn’t the case. Some of these people were much worse off than he was. They didn’t just struggle from day to day; they raged with war every minute. There was talk of taking their own lives, of hiding in their homes for days, living on the streets for years at a time, and being in jail. Jake had forgotten how lucky he’d been to have a supportive family and a somewhat sound mind. Then there was the fact that he wanted to start a relationship. A truly big step in his recovery. It showed trust—on his behalf and in her.
“Jake, you’re not saying much. What’s on your mind?”
He looked at the group leader. “I guess I’m still wondering if I belong.”
“You asked for help, so you belong.” When the group agreed, Jake took a deep breath and prepared himself to talk. He sat with his comrades, the only people who would truly understand his plight.
“Well, I’m having a hard time controlling my instincts.” Doc scoffed, but Jake ignored him. “I want to get on with my life… but what if I can’t? My parents are coming up to visit and I… I hate disappointing them.”
“Oh, I know that feeling,” someone said.
“That’s why you’re here, Jake. To learn the skills needed to function positively. Why do you feel as if you’ve disappointed your parents?”
“I’ve let a lot of people down. I’m a soldier. Always will be.” He took a deep breath then looked at Doc Murphy. “But, how can I live with what I’ve done, seen, and can’t remember?”
Doc looked at him, the pain intense in his eyes. “When you figure it out, let me know.”
The rest of the meeting went well. When Jake emerged into the sunlit afternoon, he wasn’t only feeling tired from the emotional morning; he also felt a little lighter. As if a giant weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
* * *
“So, how’d your first day go?” Dave swung his legs up on Jake’s kitchen table. Jake pushed them down.
“Feet off my furniture. It went. Maybe I’m not as whacked out as you think.”
“Oh no, you are. We just really like you, is all.”
Jake watched his brother throw back a can of soda. The man was his rock, and it occurred to Jake he might never have told him.
“Dave…”
“God! Don’t get all sloppy on me, Jake. My manhood might not be able to handle it. I’m the big brother, and I’m supposed to take care of you. Besides, you’ve had to kick my ass a time or two.”
“Thank you. That’s all I was gonna say.”
Dave nodded at him in acceptance.
“Okay, ‘big brother,’ what do we want to order tonight?”
“How often are you going to the meetings?”
Jake looked up from searching through the box of menus. Dave wanted to talk, after all, and Jake found himself ready to do it. “Three or four times a week.”
“What about your OCD?”
“Well… I guess we’ll work on my compulsions, too. I think I’ll start with not picking up my socks tomorrow morning.”
Dave waved his hands in the air, “Don’t get all wild on us, Jake!”
“Wait until I don’t have all my TV remotes put away properly.”
“Now that’s just crazy talk. You obviously need to be committed
.”
“What do you feel like eating?”
“Italian. Meet any new friends?”
Jake pulled out a few menus and handed them over. “Yeah. There’s a guy who’s hell-bent on not talking.”
“I’ll have the veal parmesan. Boy, doesn’t that sounds like someone I know.”
“He told me to leave him alone.” Jake snatched the paper out of Dave’s hands. “I’m going to have the eggplant.”
“Order some soda, too. Are you going to bug the crap out of him?”
“You’ve had enough soda, Dave. Yup, I’m going to work at him a little every day.”
“I like soda, and you don’t have any beer. Is that going to get in the way of your recovery?”
“There’s iced tea and milk in the fridge. Too much soda is going to eat your stomach away. No, I’m going to keep talking to him until he slaps a restraining order on me.”
“Fine. But next time you better have lemonade. The creeper routine always works with the ladies, too, you know.”
“Ha ha. Now, let me make the call.” Jake no sooner finished placing the order when Dave started in again.
“You gonna tell Sophie about this?”
“I’m not sure yet. When I was going last time, I had a lot of flashbacks and stuff.”
“So you might have to. I think it’d be a good thing to do, since she’s already seen what can happen.”
Jake couldn’t help frowning. “Yeah,” he said quietly.
“I didn’t mean to upset you, Jake.”
“You didn’t. It’s just that you’re right, and I hate that.” He smiled at his brother so Dave would know there were no hard feelings. While Dave might have taken care of him in the past, it now was Jake’s job to get Dave to stand down a little. Reassure him that everything was okay. Dave could be pushy and a little intrusive when it came to Jake’s recovery. Then again, if Dave hadn’t been, would Jake be where he was today—feeling pretty darn good?
“Jake. You gonna tell Mom and Dad when they get in tomorrow?”
“Stop with all the questions. I feel like I’m being interrogated.”
“That’s because you are. Answer the question.”
Jake rolled his eyes. “No. I want them to enjoy their visit.”
“And you think by not telling them that they aren’t going to worry?”
Jake narrowed his eyes at his brother. “You already told them. Didn’t you?”
“Yup, but they want to hear it from you.”
“Dave, I know you’re looking out for me, but—”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Dave interrupted. “I know it should have been you to tell them, but I knew you’d chicken out and they’d be worried the whole time they were here. I did you a favor, so say thank you.”
It was always hard to be mad at Dave when he was only looking out for him. Now with the pressure off of Jake, and with his parents having had time to process his news, he hoped they wouldn’t hover over him as much during their visit.
“Okay. Thank you, Dave.”
“You’re welcome. Now, let’s go over the birds and the bees so you don’t look like an inexperienced virgin when you decide to have fun with Sophie.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve been reading a lot of Playboy lately.”
* * *
“I know, I know, I know!” Sophie tucked her legs beneath her on the couch. In the past few weeks she and Kathy had spent an enormous amount of time together. Not that Sophie would ever complain about Kathy taking time to travel while being laid off, but she’d missed her friend. It was nice to have her around to talk to. Sophie just felt guilty for not broaching the subject of Jake’s flashback, and her nerves were beginning to dance from wondering what her friend was going to think.
“You’re really falling for him, aren’t you?” Kathy took a mouth full of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream.
“Yes, I think I am,” Sophie told her friend with a wistful sigh. “He’s so…”
“Hot?”
“Oh, yes!”
“Physically able to please a woman?”
“I believe so.”
“Makes you laugh?”
Sophie smirked. “He called me bitchy.”
“Well, it sounds like he already knows you really well. So, what’s the problem?”
Sophie decided the hell with caution. She needed real advice from the only person she truly trusted. “You know those bruises on me?”
Kathy slowly put her spoon in her bowl. “Don’t tell me he did that. You deserve better, Sophie. You, of all people, can’t stand the whole ‘helpless female’ thing.”
“Let me explain—”
“You’re sticking up for the guy?” The shock on Kathy’s face was as evident as her anger when she slammed down her bowl on the coffee table.
“He has flashbacks from the war, Kathy. I can’t blame him for something Dave told me not to do.”
“And that was?”
“Go over to his house unannounced. Dave said Jake wasn’t feeling well, and I got concerned. Thought I could make him some soup or something.”
“What happened?”
“He didn’t hear me come up behind him. Before I knew what happened…” Sophie took a cleansing breath. “I was on the floor with my hands behind me and a knee in my back.”
“Jesus, Sophie! Then what happened?”
“He must have realized it was me because he let go and I clocked him in the face.”
Kathy snickered. “That’s what? Three strikes in the past month? Maybe you’re the one with issues.”
“It’s not something to be proud of. But all the parties and events involved deserved it.”
“Okay, so he didn’t hear you. I don’t know, sweetie. I think you’re going to have to really think about this. There seems to be some serious baggage here.”
“Some? I think he has a trailer full. The thing is, I want to get to know him, understand what he’s been through, and be there for support. I can’t explain this pull we have toward one another. Am I crazy?”
“No. But he might be.” Kathy gave Sophie’s leg a playful slap. “Just joking.”
“Ha ha.” Sophie took a spoonful of her own ice cream and concentrated on what to say next. “He really felt bad, Kathy. I mean to the point where he was going to quit the Hungry Lion so I’d never have to see him again. He looked like he was going to cry, then he wouldn’t stop apologizing. He even insisted on making sure I wasn’t hurt by checking for bruises. I think if he knew my arms have been aching, he’d never forgive himself. What kind of man would go to lengths like that if he’s an abuser?”
“Not the typical ones. I’m not saying he is, and I’m not saying that you shouldn’t date him. It’s just… well, is he getting counseling for his anger?”
Sophie began to pick at a thread on her sweater. “I honestly don’t know. And, I don’t think what happened had anything to do with anger. I think it was a gut reaction he couldn’t help.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” Sophie exclaimed.
“Okay, how much do you like him?”
“So much it’s been killing me. I mean he really is special. You should have seen the way he handled my parents. I’ve never had someone stick up for me when it came to them.”
“Well, that’s major bonus points in my book.”
They looked at each other in silence, neither knowing what more to say to the other. Finally, Kathy spoke. “I think you should go for it. If he really didn’t hurt you out of anger, and he’s a standup guy when it comes to protecting you, then don’t let him go. But I think you should be cautious, find out if he’s getting help.”
“I’ll ask Dave tomorrow.”
“You think that’s all right? Jake might be a little ticked off by you going to his brother rather than him.”
“Do you think I should wait ’til Jake says something to me? Dave already told me if there’s something I wanted to know, to ask.” Sophie was torn. She didn’t want
it to look as if she snuck behind Jake’s back to find stuff out, but what guarantee did she have that Jake would talk to her? He’d been so tight-lipped about his past. Confused, Sophie covered her face with her hands. “I heard Dave saying their parents are coming in tomorrow. I’m nervous.”
Kathy waved her off. “Really? Just let your inner bitch come out and they’ll love you. And don’t wait for him to come tell you because he might not.”
“I know.” Sophie chewed on her bottom lip. Why did this have to be so complicated? “I’ll wait until his parents leave or he somehow opens the door.”
“I think that’s a good plan. Meanwhile, what do you think his assets are like?” Kathy sat up straight and leaned forward in anticipation of juicy details. “After all, I might someday date his brother.”
“You’re so bad, Kathy. No wonder my parents don’t like you.”
“And you do.”
Sophie studied her friend for a minute, “Wait a minute… ‘Might someday date his brother’?”
“Didn’t miss that, did ya?”
“No. Kathy, is there something you’re not telling me?”
“I don’t know if there is anything to tell. Dave and I ran into each other yesterday at the supermarket.”
The faint blush on Kathy’s cheeks told Sophie there was more. “And…?”
“And, we talked… a little.”
“About?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Stuff.”
“Like? I shouldn’t have to pull this out of you. You’re supposed to tell me everything.”
“He asked for my number.” Kathy gave a little squeal. “I think he’s going to call me.”
Sophie sat back on the couch and stared at her friend. She’d never seen Kathy so excited or nervous. “Are you going to answer if he calls?”
“Of course! I don’t want to seem too eager, though.”
Sophie laughed at her friend. “I think you have a real crush on him.”
Kathy’s chin shot in the air. “I do not. We just met.”
“I know. That’s what makes it sooooo sweet.”
“We’re off the subject, Sophie.”
Sophie giggled and took a bite of ice cream. It was nice to have a friend when the world seemed to have abandoned her. “What do you want to know?”