by Rebecca Rose
“Gunnery Sergeant Jacob Sanders calling for immediate extraction!” A shot ripped through the upper flesh of his arm. He swore crudely and started calling out orders. His men were fighting with gusto and bravery, but Jake knew with the amount of arsenal the enemy possessed, they were outnumbered.
He signaled for two men to grab their fallen comrade as he knelt and laid cover for them. Through the chaos he heard an explosion to his right. The bright illumination created a midnight sunrise—a beautiful deception that rained earth down upon Jake, then blinded him for what seemed like an eternity. With blurry vision, he dropped his body flat to the ground. His ears rang and his mind screamed, Move! Jake stumbled and dashed to the shelter of a tree then pulled his M16 tight to his chest.
The only explanation was somehow the enemy had known his team was coming. His plan had been perfect; they always were.
Shouting more orders, Jake moved to a kneeling position and started taking the enemy out, one by one. No wasted shots, no panicked fire. He calmed his mind and concentrated on saving his men. The skirmish before him moved in slow motion as reality disconnected from his mind. He heard not the screams, only the programmed commands for this type of situation shooting automatically from his mind to his mouth. The whirring sounds of the evac chopper might have brought a sense of hope if Jake hadn’t seen men dragging the fallen or wounded to it.
A painful crack sliced through his consciousness, numbing out the anarchy and blood. He stood there, his eyes seeing the world before him through a window; torrential rain poured down its panes, warping the view of the outside. The body holding him up shook, neither from fear nor anger. It quaked from the distance his psyche created from the truth he was living.
“Gunny!” Jake heard the calling from a distance he couldn’t quite pinpoint. The limbs that hung from his shoulders twitched as his mind escaped the fractured reality and came back to the immediate.
“Callahan, where are you?”
“We’re southeast from your point and screwed with sustained fire!”
Jake redirected himself, as a watery bog filled his mind and kept his thoughts slow. He passed two wounded, one being dragged by the other to the pickup point. His body halted to a stop so he could stare at them in confused disbelief. Where did his brain go? What was happening?
“Damn it, Sanders! Where are you?”
That’s right! He was supposed to be helping Callahan. In a full sprint, Jake leaped over a fallen tree then up a rocky mound before catching sight of his comrade. He began to fire at random with erratic short bursts. When a high-pitched squeal infiltrated the air, he fell flat to the ground as more dirt rained on him. Or was it? Stunned, Jake twisted his body and knocked off the heavy object that landed on his back. It rolled to the ground palm up. The ring on its wedding finger winked at him in the dim light of arsenal fire.
“Jesus,” he heard one of his men shout.
Jake bellied over to the man and, once again, tried to blink the confusion from his mind. “Let’s move.” The words came from his lips before he fully comprehended the scene.
“I think I’m hit.”
Jake’s brain switched back on while he looked down at the tattered remains of the man’s leg, nonexistent below the knee. “You’ll be fine, Private. Stay alert.”
“Yes, sir.” The man sounded strained from running on shock and adrenaline. He pulled his M16 to combat position to cover Jake.
With a nod Jake bellied away from the injured man as the firing around them stopped. Not a good sign, and that truth weighed heavy on Jake. Either the enemy fell back on guerilla tactics, or now they were combing for hostages. He spotted a small group searching the ground and bushes. Flanking his adversary, Jake took the shots and killed three. The fourth man fired while retreating and hit Jake in the side. He fell to the ground in breathless agony then rolled on his back to bring a bloody hand up for wound inspection.
“Shit.”
Reeling from the pain, Jake couldn’t comprehend the man over him speaking. He just nodded while the fog in his brain became thicker, disassociating him from his surroundings. His head buzzed and his body became heavy as he tried to help the man who half-carried him toward safety.
“Wait!” Jake shouted, distracted with disbelief by something he saw in the freshly blasted ditch. He fell to his knees and dragged Callahan up and out of the hole until his torso lay on Jake’s lap.
“Callahan.”
“Gunny, we need to go!” Looking up, Jake saw men fighting a battle that shouldn’t have happened.
“We need to get you out of here!” the man repeated. But, Jake’s mind left his body as he looked down and into the lifeless eyes that stared back at him. With shaking hands, he slapped Callahan.
“Up, soldier! We need to go!”
The rapid firing started again. But Jake could only stare at Callahan’s blood-spattered face. His chest showed no wounds, his dog tags glinted in the arsenal firelight, and there was nothing left below his waist.
The impatient private pulled at Jake. “I will drag you if I have to,” he told him.
Jake’s eyes moved over Callahan’s legless trunk. Confusion pulled at his awareness while he, once again, looked through that watery windowpane to the world outside. “I don’t understand,” he said more to himself than the men trying to help him. Jake spread his fingers so the blood gushing out of the torso, lying across his lap, could flow through them. “Where’s the rest of you?”
“We’re going now!” The private pulled him away as the men surrounding them fired, suppressing the enemy for their escape. Jake looked back one more time to see his friend being rescued… and then there was nothing.
Chapter Fourteen
The pounding headache saved Jake from the most awful dream. He’d been at Sophie’s exploring her wonderfully erotic body, then things went horribly wrong—he had a flashback and ruined everything. Jake rolled over and buried his head in the pillow. She had been sweet and understanding, but—
“Hey, I know you can hear me.”
Jake felt the poke at his side and let out a growl.
“You know I don’t scare easily.” She pushed a little more, and with a sudden realization, Jake sat up to attention.
“How the hell did I get here?” When Sophie looked at him puzzled, he realized it hadn’t been a dream after all, and he was in her bed naked.
“Jake,” she said patiently, “I want you to take these aspirins.”
He looked at them with a heavy sigh. “It wasn’t a dream.”
“No. But I wouldn’t have wanted it to be. You have a hell of a stamina.”
Instead of taking the pills, Jake leaned forward and kissed her lips. “I’m so sorry.”
“For what? Being you? Shit, Jake. There are some men who haven’t gone through half of what you’ve seen and done, and they’re in the nut house. You’re stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for. Now, get off the pity potty and take the damn aspirins.” She gave him a weak smile and then a kiss.
“What time is it?” When she didn’t answer and nodded to the white pills, he gave up and swallowed them.
“It’s four in the afternoon.”
“What?”
“It’s four—”
“I heard you. I just can’t believe it.”
“You needed the sleep. I’ll make you a sandwich. I washed your clothes from yesterday, so why don’t you take a shower and meet me out in the kitchen?”
“Will you join me?”
She laughed and kissed his lips hard. “You’re lucky today is Sunday and our day off. Now don’t push your luck. I’m having a hard enough time sitting down today from all the frisky activity.”
“You’re just trying to make me feel better about—”
Sophie reached up and pushed the hair out of his eyes. “I don’t have to make you feel anything because you know it’s okay. Otherwise, I’d have kicked your firm ass out. Now you smell and need a shower.”
Jake watched her walk out without a gla
nce back. How lucky was he? He found a woman who seemed to understand and accept who he was. A dark shadow draped his thoughts and dragged him down to the hell in which he was accustomed to living. Why would he voluntarily subject a person he came to deeply care about to the horrors in his life? Step back now so no one gets hurt.
* * *
Sophie’s jaw ached from being tight with worry. After Jake had purged himself, body and soul, he’d been spent. She practically carried him to the bed then cleaned him up. After that, he slept peacefully in a slumber so deep that at one point Sophie put her ear to his chest to make sure he still lived.
“Breathe,” she told herself aloud while leaning on the kitchen counter for support. He’s fine. Watching him have a flashback scared the living hell out of her. She reflected about the day he’d called into work and she’d gone over to check on him. Jake warned her this was how he lived, never knowing when one of these episodes was going to occur. Now she’d fallen head over heels for him, and the thought of Jake going through this alone was torture. He needed her, even if he wasn’t going to admit it.
When she heard the shower turn on, Sophie busied herself with making him a sandwich and preparing herself mentally. She knew he was going to try and end it—she saw it in his eyes. Well, she’d just have to cut him off beforehand.
The phone rang and the caller ID announced Dave calling. She’d phoned him not so much in a panic, but with concern wanting to know how long Jake would sleep, if he would wake up with a headache… whether or not he was going to therapy to make himself better, or if he was on a downward spiral of doom.
She picked up the receiver. “Hello?”
“How’s it going?”
“He’s just getting in the shower. He seems okay, Dave. But I won’t know for sure until he comes out of the bathroom.”
“Make sure you do some stomping around. You don’t want to come up behind him.”
She let out a long breath. “Dave?”
“Yeah?”
“Is he getting help for this? I mean, is he talking to anyone on a professional level?” Sophie began to chew on her thumbnail. This was a question she had wanted to ask Jake, but under the circumstances she didn’t want to upset him further.
“Yes. I’m not sure how much else I can say without him wanting to beat me up.” Dave’s laugh sounded strained. “He’s not a big fan of people knowing.”
“I can understand that. How about you? Is there something for the families to help support people with…” She paused in hopes the right words would come.
“Yeah, there is. I go to a group once a month that’s open to anyone. You can come with me, if you want.”
“I’d really like to do that, thank you. Umm, Dave?”
“Yeah?”
“What did he do for the Marines?” Sophie moved from biting on one thumbnail to the other.
“A lot, Sophie. And then some.” The silence on the phone became tangible as both their thoughts went to the man in the other room. “He’s come a long way. When he first got back and came out of the hospital, you couldn’t get him to leave the house. He’d been hit pretty bad. First with the bullets, then by that bitch of a girlfriend he’d had. She didn’t deserve him, and I hope she rots in hell.”
Sophie chuckled. “Why Dave, I’ve never heard you speak so highly of anyone before.”
He laughed, “Yeah, well she comes in every now and then. Don’t worry, though, you’ll get the privilege of meetin’ her sometime.”
“Oh, goody. Can I hang all over Jake when she stops by?”
“You can toss him on the bar and have your way with him… as long as I’m not around. Although I would love to see her face.” Another pause, and then, “She called the other day to see how Jake was doing. Wanted to know if he ever talks about her.”
“I don’t need to get my claws out, do I?”
“They’re always out, aren’t they?”
“Ha ha!”
“Keep your eyes open. I never liked her, but I like you. And you make my brother happy. He needs you, Sophie.”
“No pressure, right, Dave?”
“Nope. Just don’t mess with him and be straight or I’ll make you suffer.”
“That’s why I like you and your family. You’re up front. I’m in love with him, Dave, but I can’t tell him. I think he knows, but he has to deal with his feelings first.”
“And here I was hoping you two were just havin’ fun for the hell of it.”
She heard Jake heading down the hall. “Listen, he’s on his way to the kitchen. I have to go.”
“Thank you, Sophie.”
“For what?”
“Caring enough to stick around.”
“He’s going to need a crowbar to get rid of me.”
Still a little shaken from the night before, Sophie started banging around the kitchen to make sure Jake knew where she was. She then switched the music to a station he liked.
“You make a lot of noise.”
“Yeah, well we know I’m not the most graceful of creatures when I’m off the dance floor.” She smiled, hoping he’d return it. When he hesitated, she kissed him and handed over the plate of food. “Sit and eat.”
“Aren’t you having any?”
“I had breakfast and lunch. You, my dear, skipped both and had a hardy workout.” She sat across the table from him and began caressing her hand over the smooth finish. With her desires inflamed, Sophie’s imagination recreated the erotic activities from the night before.
“What are you smiling about?”
“Oh… I was just thinking about all the use my table has gotten lately.”
He grinned playfully at her. “It’s the perfect height.”
“So tell me Jake, are you going to eat and run home, or are you going to take me to the movies?”
“You want to go to the movies? Don’t you think we should talk about what happened?”
Here it comes, she thought. “No. Not unless you want to.”
“No, I really don’t, but feel I owe you an explanation.”
She searched his eyes and found the hurt he felt he’d inflicted on her. “Jake, you had a breakthrough—”
“I don’t know if I’d call it a ‘breakthrough,’ ” Jake said with air quotes. He pushed his plate away then got up to pace the kitchen. Agitated, he pulled at his hair and she heard him ground his teeth.
“Well, I know I’m new at this and everything, but have you ever let go like that before?”
“You know what, Sophie? I don’t think I want to talk about it.” In reaction to his sharp tone, her defenses rose. She pressed her lips together and checked her temper before it showed. Jake needed understanding and someone to vent to, not a harsh argument.
“Jake, if you don’t want to, then we don’t have to.” Folding her hands on the table, she waited for him to reply. When he only stared at her she asked, “What?”
“You’re crazy! I fell apart in there! What kind of man does that? I’ve attacked you—”
“Don’t even go there,” she said, slapping her hands on the table and jumping to her feet.
“I hurt you,” he yelled.
“Your brother told me not to go to your house and I didn’t listen. What happened is my responsibility, and you can’t have it!”
“What? You’re nuts.”
“So what?” she said in a calmer voice. “I’m nuts about you.”
“How could you be? I’m a wreck! Most the time I’m wondering who I’m going to hurt or let down next. I couldn’t keep my team safe, for shit’s sake—how the hell am I going to protect you?”
“Why do you think you don’t deserve to be happy?” His shoulders slumped, but she pushed anyway, hoping he’d come to terms with some of what happened. “It wasn’t your fault. War isn’t fair, Jake. You all knew the risks when you joined. So did the troops you were with.”
Jake turned his back to her. “My best friend had his body torn in half. I never remembered that until this morning. At least before
, I couldn’t picture it in my mind. Now… it’s there.”
Her heart ached for the military man he was and the wounded soldier he’d become. She took a chance and went to him, hoping he would let her hold him. Leaning her head on his back, she began stroking his arms. “I want to help. It’s an honor to have you trust me enough to let me in. That’s what you did, Jake. And it’s going to make you better, stronger.”
“I just want things to be the way they used to be. It was perfect… I was—”
“Jake, perfection is an illusion—a lie. True perfection is learning your boundaries and being able to live inside of them.”
Jake scoffed, “Can you do that?”
“I’m learning to. It’s not that bad.” She turned him around and pushed a stray hair out of his face. “You need a haircut.”
“I started going back to group counseling. I think I’m ready to join the world again.”
She pecked him on the lips while joy of his admission swelled her heart. “I’m so glad. We’ve been waiting for you.”
“I believe I could trust you with my life, Sophie. But can you accept that’s what I used to take from other people?”
She answered “Yes” without hesitation, and he pulled her into his arms.
Chapter Fifteen
“I’m Jake, and today I’m going to work on finding me.” He looked around the room and saw Doc Murphy staring up at the ceiling, as usual. He wondered what he could say to make the guy’s day a little better, but couldn’t come up with anything that didn’t sound like bullshit. He had to take it one day at a time. Everyone there understood what he was going through. It all seemed so belittling, because really, how could one person understand another person’s demons? When it came to the military, they all did something different, and they were all dealing with it the best they could. Jake finally settled on saying nothing at all.
“I’m Murphy. Today I’m going to work on getting everyone off my back.” He met Jake’s stare.
“Good luck with that,” Jake told him. Everyone laughed a little. Even Doc grinned.
The next hour passed with tears, shouts, and questions. Some people could relate to each other, and some couldn’t. The lost and somber feelings Jake experienced in prior weeks slowly gave way to hope and the realization he had learned to live in the moment. The elation gave way to a smile on his lips.