by Rebecca Rose
“Let me out.” She opened the door, causing Jake to slam on his brakes. The car came to a sliding halt.
“Are you crazy? The car was moving!”
“Yeah, like five miles an hour because of this stupid storm. Good-bye, Jake.”
She got out of the car before he could grab for her. “Damn it.” Jake charged out of his vehicle. “Sophie, wait!” He went for her at a full run, and when he caught her she spun around and smacked him hard across the face.
“Jake Sanders, you’re the most horrible person I have ever met, and I don’t ever want to see you again.”
“That’s fine. But, I’m not letting you walk home, even if it’s only a few more blocks. Get in the car!”
“No!”
Determined to do the right thing, Jake picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. Her fists beat him but he didn’t mind, because he fully deserved it. “You’re getting in the car so I can bring you home. I promise I won’t say a word the rest of the way.”
“Like your word counts for anything, anyway.”
Her words cut him more than any bullet ever could. And the tears raining down her face almost floored him. What had he done? She was right. He was a coward and didn’t deserve her.
The rest of the short drive seemed to take an eternity. He kept his promise and didn’t say anything, though he really wanted to. When he pulled in front of her building, she got out then disappeared inside without a backward glance.
It served him right for breaking an angel’s heart. Jake turned the car around and headed back on the treacherous roads. At the last minute he turned the wheel and headed for the Hungry Lion. He needed a drink. Just as he came upon it, he turned again. He didn’t need a drink—he needed his big brother.
Chapter Seventeen
“You’re an idiot.”
“I’m very aware of that, Dave.”
“What did you tell her?”
Jake winced, “That it was me and not her.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah, that’s what it felt like, too… when she slapped me.” Jake looked into his bottle of beer. “She called me a coward.”
Dave snickered. “So what are you gonna do now? Stop workin’, hide in your house, and wallow in self-pity?”
“This isn’t funny. I’m seriously in trouble here. I don’t know what the hell I was thinkin’. I mean, I do know, but I just didn’t think it would hurt this bad.”
“Really?” Dave finished chopping an onion then swiped them into the pot. “You stayin’ for dinner or lookin’ for another suicide mission of self-destruction?”
Jake glanced out the kitchen window where the whiteout conditions made it impossible to see. “I think I’m staying the night.”
“Okay, but if I wake up in the middle of the night with you gropin’ me, there’s gonna be a problem.”
“Ha ha. I’m sleeping on the couch.”
“Yeah, and I’ve seen you sleepwalk.”
Jake gave out an exhausted breath. His heart hurt and his stomach turned with disgust. Even his head hammered with a constant pounding for the idiot thing he just did. “You got any aspirin?”
“Bathroom cabinet.”
Jake started sulking down the hallway when he heard his brother yell, “But it’s not going to help with being a dumbass!”
“Thanks! I can always count on you for support!” Jake fired back.
Grabbing the aspirin and a cup of water Jake sat down on the toilet lid and held his head in his hands. There had been a time when Sophie had nursed his head with the same stuff. Too bad she wasn’t there to help now. Course, she was the reason for all his pain, and no matter what anyone said, he did the right thing. They needed space and time along with… he couldn’t think of anything else to make their breakup so imperative. Shit, I’m so confused. How was he already missing her? Weren’t they supposed to go sledding or something this weekend? Jake pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. She’d been so upset. The hurt in her eyes tore a gaping wound in his chest. He wanted to know she was okay, but he’d only be playing with her heart if he called.
He dropped his head in shame as his phone hit the floor. There’d never be another woman like her. Every time Jake was with her he felt more alive. He only had to look at her to feel the world around him. The possibilities she gave to him were limitless. He wanted that feeling of hope she brought to him and the security of love and understanding. Jake’s mind stuttered over that one word—security. What about her safety?
He could think of nothing else to do, so he returned the aspirin to its home. A jarred candle, waiting patiently to be lit on the sink counter, distracted Jake from his agony. Dave wasn’t a candle kind of guy, so their mother must have left it during their parents’ visit. Popping off the lid, Jake breathed the vanilla bean scent in. It tickled his nostrils while ambushing his mind with a memory of Sophie having a candle like this in her bathroom.
“I’m pathetic,” he said aloud. He’d run from her scared out of his mind using every excuse he could possibly think of. The truth was, he couldn’t protect her, and Sophie deserved a man who would and could fight for her. The trust she instilled in him was misplaced. He wasn’t who she thought he was. Yes, that unwavering confidence in Jake helped show him he could still have faith in the world, but what good was it when you didn’t have it in yourself?
Jake gave a rough sigh. Their relationship had ended before it ever really began. He’d never brought her to that movie or the theatre to make memories they could share. In spring they could have hiked the mountains of New York and witnessed the trees beginning to bloom. Camping in the woods, cooking over an open fire, her hair clad in a handkerchief; the image formed a smile on his lips before the reality of it never coming true melted the dream away. Where were those plans now? The pleasure of laughing together or being content in silent understanding—they were all gone.
Tears flowed down Jake’s face. It hurt to feel. It also felt foreign. After years of being dissociated, he still didn’t know what to do with all the emotions running through him. Hurt, anger, loathing for himself and happiness. Happiness? Yes, because he had felt those things and they were surprisingly good. The emotions mattered enough to him, she mattered enough to him, that Jake’s mind registered the pain of loss. He guessed it could be considered a breakthrough, but he wasn’t about to celebrate the bitter sweetness of losing Sophie and gaining sensations.
“Hey.” The single soft word turned Jake to his brother. “Jake, it’s gonna to be okay. Trust me.” Dave put an assuring arm around his baby brother.
“It really feels like hell, man.”
“Yeah, I would think so.”
“Dave, I’m so pissed right now because she made me fall for her. And I’m pissed at myself for being such a wussy.” He slammed both his fists on the bathroom counter, the candle rolled into the sink from the tremor.
“Don’t break my bathroom, Jake. Go downstairs and work out until I have supper ready. You’ll feel better.”
“I don’t wanna work out! I want to be with Sophie!” Jake screamed. With blind rage he pushed Dave away with both hands.
Dave caught his balance and yelled back, “Well, you can’t! It’s over for now, and you’re just gonna have to deal with it!”
“I don’t want to deal with it! I want things like they were before!”
“Before what?”
“Before I was all screwed up!” Jake screamed. “When I had my own mind. I wanna be normal, God damn it! Is that too much to ask? Because I’m thinking it is. To have a life and settle down with a woman I love without the baggage or fear that I might hurt her, physically and mentally. Sophie isn’t prepared to deal with someone like me. She doesn’t understand the life-and-death situations I’ve been in—”
“Neither do I.” Dave ran a shaky hand through his hair. “Jake, I didn’t know what to do in the beginning. But Ma, Dad, and I learned. Sophie will, too, because she loves you.”
Jake stared at his brother so long he start
ed to wonder if he’d ever have a thought to speak. She did say she loved him, but he had ignored her. He really was an ass. “How would you know?”
“That she loves you?” Dave scoffed at his brother. “You know it, I see. Hell, everyone sees it. Give yourself some time, Jake. You’ll come around and know what you need and want.”
“I want Sophie.”
Dave started counting off on his fingers. “You want to be present, to settle down, and to have things like they were before. You want to be—”
“—normal,” Jake grumbled.
“You want an awful lot.”
Jake blustered, “So?”
“No one can have it all. Not even us, quote unquote, normal people. You need to get a grip.”
Jake took an aggressive step toward his brother. Fury and hurt fueled his words, “Really? And what do you suppose I should do to get a grip? You seem to have it all worked out. Know what it is I need? Tell me big brother, Mr. Reformed Troublemaker, what do I need to do to fix this bullshit life I have? What can I do to be happy and not this miserable bastard I’ve become? I’d love to know. Please tell me. Or, do you want to call Mom and Dad first? You seem to always be gossiping about me with them. The three of you could have a powwow and come up with the next thing Jake should do.”
“You’re an asshole. Don’t come over here feeling sorry for yourself and then expect me to take the abuse you’re dishing out. I have a life too, Jake.” Dave gave Jake’s chest a little shove. “A new one I’ve put on hold for you. We all did, because that’s what family does! Get off your friggin’ pity potty and start standing on your own two feet. I’ve had enough of this. I back you up, I go to meetings, I do your shopping, give you an incredible amount of leeway at work. A business you half own but hardly put any work into! If you want all this shit, then you better learn how to stand on your own, because I won’t be one of your crutches anymore.”
Jake’s chest heaved with fury, as did his brother’s. Their breaths pulled in with short gasps and exhaled in low growls. It had been a long time since the two of them fought it out. Perhaps too long.
“Get out of my house, Jake. I don’t care if you have to walk in that blizzard outside. But I don’t want your unappreciative ass here.”
Dave’s voice was much too quiet. Jake recognized the warning signs signaling that his brother was ready to blow, and that could be a very bad thing. Dave wasn’t quick-tempered but when pushed he was deadly. Jake had learned that lesson a time or two when they were kids.
Choosing his words carefully, Jake said, “If it’s all the same to you… I’d like to go downstairs to work out.”
Dave continued to glare at him.
“I’ll stay out of your way for the rest of the night, and in the morning I’ll be gone as soon as the sun is up.”
Dave turned and walked out.
* * *
“I wish I never met him,” Sophie sniffled into the phone. “God! Why do I have to work with him?”
“I don’t know,” Kathy told her on a long breath.
“This is so unfair. He’s only thinking of himself, you know. He wanted his roll in the hay, which was way too awesome to ever forget. Damn it! Then just like that—” Sophie snapped her fingers “—he was gone. I’ll never talk to him again.” She blew her nose for the millionth time. Used tissues were spilling out of her bedroom wastebasket that she didn’t have the strength to pick up. “He told me that he needed time to grow. That we needed time to grow. Can you believe that?”
“What a schmuck.”
“I know! When he asked if I would stay for dinner, I thought about grabbing a kitchen knife and cutting out his heart so he’d understand what it felt like.”
“We can only hope he’s feeling like the slime bag he’s being. Actually, I hope he feels worse than… than… I don’t know. Just so bad he doesn’t know what to feel or do.”
“Like me?”
“No, honey. Worse.”
“I don’t know how I’m going to face him at work tomorrow.” What had she been thinking when she decided to seduce Jake Sanders? He obviously had a clear bright neon sign above his head that read: CAUTION. LOTS OF BAGGAGE. But, nooooo. Sophie wanted to make her own decision on what type of man she wanted to date and it burned her in the ass. If she had been thinking with her head and not her… she’d almost thought heart instead of hormones. Damn, she was a prisoner in Jake’s war. Right from the moment she’d set eyes on him, her brain went MIA.
“You’re right, Kathy. I’m going to go in there tomorrow and show him exactly what he’s going to be missing out on. I made the first move at the beginning of this mess, now he’s going to have to fix the disaster he turned it into.”
“Atta girl! Wear the red heels, too.” At Sophie’s lack of response, Kathy asked, “What’s the matter?”
“Those are Jake’s favorite pair.”
Kathy said, “Oh, you totally need to wear them. Where’s your inner bitch, Sophie?”
“Defeated.” She blew her nose again and swore at the soreness the tissues inflicted on the now-tender skin.
“No, she’s just feeling a little down right now. Do what feels right.”
“Nothing feels good.” Another tear rolled down Sophie’s cheek from her weeping heart.
“I know.”
The next day the roads were cleared despite all of Sophie’s prayers that they wouldn’t be. She had hoped for a biblical-proportion storm, but instead she got one that dumped ten inches—not enough to close down New England. Everything was salted and sanded. She frowned out the window and drank her coffee, its black bitterness energizing her after a sleepless night. Her face was clearly a puffy mess while the look of forlorn sorrow hung in her eyes. She wouldn’t beg. No, if he wanted her, he’d have to do the pleading. She wasn’t going to talk to him, either. Misery was what she hoped to put him through.
As it turned out, Jake wasn’t there when Sophie arrived at work. Only Dave, and he looked ticked.
“Dave?”
He grumbled at her.
“I have to do a lot of… umm… stuff today in my office. So you probably won’t see me.”
“Sure, Sophie,” he said, never turning from the clipboard in front of him.
“Are you mad at me?” There was no way she would be able to handle it. If Dave was mad and not talking to her, she might as well give up and leave. Tears stung her eyes as the thought of her new friend hating her started to become overwhelming.
Dave turned. His eyes grew wide when he took in her appearance. She hadn’t thought she looked that bad in the simple jeans and sweatshirt. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and her makeup had been applied very carefully to cover the dark circles. Apparently, she hadn’t done a good enough job.
“Sophie, I’m not mad at you.” He pulled her into his arms. “I’m fuming at my jerk of a brother.”
She sniffled into his shirt. “Well, that makes two of us.”
“You don’t have to be here. Take the day to relax or… I don’t know. Throw darts at a picture of Jake.”
She chuckled despite how she felt. “The thought of blowing up a photo and placing a giant bull’s-eye on it sounds like a plan. Maybe I’ll call Kathy to come over and play with me.”
“Well, if it’s gonna be a party. You can count me in.” Dave kissed the top of her head.
“You just want to see Kathy.”
“Maybe.”
She pulled away just as Jake strolled into the bar area.
“Hey,” Jake said with caution.
Dave ignored him by looking back down at his clipboard, his face a tense expression of mean.
“Guess no one’s talking to me.”
Sophie skirted away with not so much as a glance. She went straight into her office and closed the door with a satisfying slam.
A low knock sounded on it two hours later. Sophie hesitated answering it.
“It’s Dave.”
Opening the door, she sighed in relief. “You’re not talking to
him either, eh?”
“For now. But there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.” He walked in and sat on the couch. Her and Jake’s couch. He patted the cushion next to him. “Sit.”
“No thanks.”
“Sit, please.”
She sat wondering if it was dreaded news, for Dave looked grief stricken. “Jake’s hurtin’. And while we have a right to be mad at him, a right not to talk to him, I’m going to ask you to be civil. We have a business to run, and we can’t give him the silent treatment forever.”
“You agree with him breaking up with me?” Astonishment and fury slammed into her at his betrayal. Dave had no right defending Jake, even if it was his brother.
“No, no, no. I just…” He took a deep breath. “Sophie, you love Jake, right?”
She didn’t say anything. Just looked down at her exceptionally white sneakers, not knowing what to say.
Dave continued, “I know you do. What you need to understand is Jake’s complicated.”
“I hadn’t noticed.”
“He can be great one day and not the next. Although his mood swings have evened out in the past year, sometimes you can’t tell where he’s comin’ from or where he’s goin’.”
“Yeah, I’d say.”
“Sophie.” He took her hands in his. “Ignore him when he calls. Hell, throw darts at his picture. But we have a responsibility to the Hungry Lion, and being the owner, I can’t have this breakup affect business.”
She gave him a weak smile. “I understand.”
“Don’t give up on him, Sophie. If you love him, truly love him, you’ll see the suffering he’s putting himself through.”
“But you’re also not talking to him,” Sophie whined.
“I am out there because I have to be professional. On a personal level, I need to be calm before I say anything I’ll regret. He won’t be coming over for beer anytime soon.”
“You want me to forget about him breaking up with me? Is that it?”
“What I’m asking is for you to look at what happened through his eyes. I’m not making an excuse. If I agreed with what he did, I wouldn’t be giving him the silent treatment. Jake was a disaster last night, Sophie.”