by S Yvonne
Six
QUA had never heard Tasha so shaken up before, cause Tasha was tougher than any female he’d known and one thing she hated to do was show emotion. One of his biggest problems with her was she felt like she couldn’t be weak around nobody… but hearing her admit she was pregnant and seeing the fear in her eyes had him spooked. Pacing her room he scratched his head thinking as he searched her huge almond shape eyes. “Damn… a baby Tasha?”
“Yes… a baby QUA… that’s what I said and I’m not tryna do this shit alone. Hell, I wanna kill it!” She admitted… on the outside she was trying to be cool but on the inside she was trembling.
He wasn’t tryna hear that. QUA was ready for his responsibility but he had one question. “Is it mine?”
Swallowing the lump in her throat she dropped her eyes. She thought she was ready to tell him the truth about everything but him being in her face made her realize she wasn’t. How the fuck was she supposed to tell him that she was selling her soul for her freedom… or that she spent most nights selling crack… or that she was even doing half the shit she was doing to survive. He knew the basic shit, not the extensive shit. Furthermore, how could she even tell him it was his own uncle she was letting use her body for his own motives? She just couldn’t.
She looked him dead in his eyes when she told him, “Yes… it’s yours. Why the fuck would you ask me something like that?”
He sat next to her wearing a Tommy Hilfiger outfit with the matching shoes as YSL cologne poured from his body dripping into her nostrils. “To be honest we ain’t as close as we used to be and you be pullin’ all kinda shit lately.”
She sighed, cause she heard no lies. “I’m solid.” I swear to you she lied.
“So why you crying then T? Word is bond… I believe you.” He wrapped his arms around her for a hug. “Don’t kill the baby aiight? Lemme just figure some shit out.”
She heard him, but her focus was on the big ass cockroach crawling on her ceiling threatening to fall on them both. ‘I gotta get out this apartment’… she thought to herself…. ‘They won’t even clean this muthafucka.’ She leaned up with QUA just in time to move him out the way as the roach plopped on her bed getting lost in the comforters.
“What happen?” He asked her looking around the room crazy.
She shook her head, “Nothing.”
Boom! Boom! Boom!
“Tasha!” Her brother Eli yelled from the door. “Tasha!” He panicked and that wasn’t like Eli to panic.
Swinging the door open she locked eyes with him. “What? What happen?” Her and Eli were a year apart… he was 17 and Cleo was the oldest… 19 years old and never around, only when he wanted to check on Tasha but other than that nobody saw Cleo. Eli’s clothes were ripped and his dreads were wild. He was the male version of Tasha cause they looked just alike. Behind him, she heard commotion in the apartment and in the hallway. “What happen?”
“Come on man! Just come on! Somebody killed Cleo!” He told her out of breath before he took off.
She felt her heart drop to her ass. “Killed Cleo?” She ran out of the apartment and into the hallway and down the steps jumping off the stoop to get to the front of the building where everybody was running. She felt the adrenaline as she took off and she knew QUA wasn’t far behind her cause she heard him calling for her. “Move! Move!” She cried pushing everybody out of the way. “Fucking MOVEEE!” She shoved her way through coming to a halt. There Cleo was on the ground with a hole to his chest as the crimson red blood seeped through his shirt. Lifeless. He was completely lifeless, yet peaceful looking. They’d had a rough life, which caused him to always wear this mug on his face but that was still her brother and she loved him. Caring nothing about the blood she ran to his side where she grabbed his hand. “Nooooo! Cleo Noooo! Get up baby! Please get up!!” She sobbed as everyone looked on shaking their heads and mumbling about what happen.
She felt QUA and Eli trying to lift her as she slapped them away with little clear snot trickling from her nose. “Don’t touch meeee! Don’t touch him either! Don’t ever touch him!” She cried rocking back and forth. She whispered in his ear. “I should’ve told you I love you more. I should’ve called you more. We should’ve been way closer than we were… please don’t go Cleo, lets start over.” She whimpered and talk to him until QUA couldn’t take no more lifting her off the ground cradling her like a baby.
“You don’t need to be seeing this T… I’m sorry.” He felt so bad he ain’t know what to do. Tasha and the luck of her life kept him on a rollercoaster. He ain’t know what to do at times. He looked at Eli who nodded his head of approval to take her away. “Get the fuck back! Don’t ya’ll see me trying to get through!”
Fucked up crooked ass police didn’t budge while waiting for an ambulance, they didn’t even seal off the scene cause this shit was funny to them! From the corner of her eye she saw Ralph approaching with a nonchalant, yet envious look on his face about the way QUA was carrying her. She jumped from his arms unexpectedly rushing at Ralph swinging. “Fuck you! Punk ass cops fuck youuu!! Ya’ll see everything else around this motherfucker but ya’ll don’t see who the fuck is doing all this killing! Fuck you!!” She swung as he ducked catching her arms.
QUA grabbed him by the wrist. “Let her the fuck go… or I promise I’ma tell ya wife ya secret.” He growled giving his uncle a look of death.
Ralph looked at his nephew like he’d lost his mind but he let him go. There was something in his eyes that Tasha saw. He was spooked by what QUA had just said. “You fucked up nephew, should’ve never did that.” He walked off.
QUA watched him walk away while holding Tasha in a bear hug trying to hide her face from the scene. As he turned to go in her building her mama Vashon was walking out wearing a dingy house robe and a head full of rollers as she slurred with her words and talked shit trying to get to Cleo… but not a tear was in sight. Tasha wanted to punch her pathetic ass. Especially since she knew a funeral would be non existent since it wasn’t no insurance policies.
QUA stayed with her and held her all night long with her room door locked allowing her to cry on his chest catching her tears. “QUA?” She whispered making sure he was up in the middle of the night.
“Yes T?”
“What was the secret you threatened Ralph about?”
He pulled her in closer. “Don’t even worry about that… it’s family business.”
Instead of responding she lay there… this was the beginning of her depression.
Seven
2 months later
Tasha sat in the doctor’s office looking pale and uninterested. The past 2 months had been pure hell. She’d been depressed in the worst way. She woke up from Nightmares of Cleo laying dead on the ground that night. She was battling sleeping, she was battling with her weight cause she couldn’t keep any food down, she had no energy, but still had to go to school and trap on the block without Ralph knowing. She vowed she would never give her body to him again after that night Cleo died. Seemed like he could clock everything else but where the fuck was he when her brother got killed? And the hood still wasn’t talking; she couldn’t even be mad cause that was the code and always had been. She could see her neighbor get shot right now and she wouldn’t tell the police shit. Justice wasn’t held in the court when it came to the hood; it was held in the streets. She had everyone in the projects labeling her as a clocker now… she didn’t push shit, only watched the scene and they were willing to do whatever to make sure she was good cause she was genuinely good people.
QUA looked at her caramel brown skin as she sat waiting for the doctor to come in. Her mama Vashon sat across from them both not wanting to be bothered. She’d gotten so skinny she looked like a damn skeleton. Tasha was able to be seen at her first appointment cause Pepper’s mama brought her being that she knew Dr. Dupoy very well but this time she had to bring her mama. The only way Tasha was able to get her to this appointment was by paying her to be here. Vashon truly didn’t give a fuck ab
out Tasha anymore. Tasha was everything she wanted to be… looks, street smarts, hustler… and everything. She hated her for that cause she couldn’t relive her life and start over. Tasha thought she was grown in her eyes, and she no longer needed her.
Dr. Dupoy walked in holding some paperwork with a disturbing look on her face, nothing like the first time she saw her, she was all smiles. “Is everything okay?” Tasha asked her feeling something was off.
She cleared her throat, “Tasha, there’s something I’d like to discuss with you but only if you’d like it to be discussed but if you’d like we can discuss it in private.” She gave her a reassuring smile making Tasha even more nervous as her eyes bounced around.
Vashon stood up. “Shit, you ain’t gotta put me out. I don’t want to be here with ya fast ass anyway out there making babies and shit.” She slammed the door.
QUA got up next. “Nah, don’t go.” She told him terrified by what the doctor wanted to tell her. She grabbed his hand but in no way could she had been prepared for what was about to come from Dr. Dupoy’s mouth in regards to her HIV screening. Positive… Positive… she replayed those words in her head.
It took Tasha a minute to wrap what she was saying around her head but her mouth processed it before her brain did cause the room filled with her cries. Never in a million years did she think that she would be 16 and HIV positive. Never. It took the doctor and half of her staff to try to console Tasha while QUA boiled with both anger and fear. “Wait so what the fuck that mean? I got that shit too? That’s what ya’ll telling me?!” He yelled. Before they could make it to him he was punching the wall busting his own knuckles as the blood splattered. He knew damn well he couldn’t have gave her that shit cause he wasn’t reckless like that to be bringing her back shit. Her on the other hand, he knew something was off long ago and he shouldn’t have trusted her.
“QUA pleaseee!” She trembled. “Please stop!” She begged long enough to grasp his attention. One look at her and he was leaping toward her trying to attack her but she was quick getting out of the way.
“What the hell?!” Vashon opened the door hearing the commotion confused as hell and ready to go. She was itching for her next high and they were wasting her time acting like some circus clowns. By the time the situation was under control the police were there and both QUA and Vashon were long gone leaving Tasha alone.
Dr. Dupoy gave her some prescriptions and some cards for a support group that she wanted her to join during this challenging time. She was able to calm her down long enough to explain the steps to try and keep her baby protected from contracting the virus as well. Her Medicaid also covered a case worker from the support group be available to visit Tasha on the regular to make sure she took her meds and for overall support cause she was gonna need it.
Dr. Dupoy felt sorry for the young girl. She could tell just by her mother’s attitude that Tasha had it rough but she was all to use to seeing young girls coming in and leaving with life changing results. She wanted to just hug them all.
Tasha walked the 30 minute walk from the doctor to the hood. Not that she had to, but she just needed some time. Time to think and process what was happening right now. The brisk evening air smacked the exposed parts of her skin causing her to shiver and wrap her arms around her body; the Miami weather was kinda cool for whatever reason. The street lights were starting to flicker on, the corner stores were locking the doors only using there gated service windows. Dope boys were on the corners and rats raced from both sides of the junk field streets. She wanted to talk to QUA so bad but knowing his temper, she had to give him some time.
On the corner of MLK it was packed. Pepper was standing on the corner hugged up with Tru cause that’s all the fuck she did now days and Tasha couldn’t stand it cause Pepper was smoking now and hanging out with different girls. She was even dressing different since Tru was spending hella cash on her. She locked eyes with her friend and Pepper quickly walked across the street to catch up with Tasha. “Yo, what up Tash? Where the hell you been?” Pepper asked out of breath smelling like sweet melons mixed with weed.
“I been around.” She shrugged her shoulders walking slowly. “You?”
Pepper sniffed. “Nah, you been distant for weeks now… don’t hand me that.” She sassed.
“It aint me, it’s you… you been busy with Tru and I know how that shit is.” She nodded her head in his direction for emphasis.
Pepper looked back and forth from Tru to Tasha, maybe Tasha was right and it made her sad on the inside. On the outside she smiled. “Cheer up baby… I gotta learn how to balance the two” her eyes roamed from Tasha’s face to her stomach. “You got a pudge now too, look at you.” She chuckled and sniffed.
“Yeah…” She replied dryly. “Why the fuck you keep sniffing Pepper? You got a cold?” Tasha searched her eyes knowing better… something was off.
Pepper looked like it was something she wanted to say but she played it off. “Oh, it’s nothing… probably catching a cold.” She looked back at Tru who was busy serving one of his customers. “Tru said tell you what’s up too.”
“Tell him I said what’s good…. Look… I gotta go aiight.” She pulled Pepper in for a hug. She saw right through this shit. Tru was too fast for Pepper and Pepper was so into him she was willing to do anything to keep up. Tasha hugged her long and tight.
“Why you acting like you ain’t gon’ never see me again Tasha? It’s okay.” Pepper choked up and sucked up some tears.
Tasha’s heart was hurting. “Well why you about to cry then?” She questioned her and spoke her mind. “Pepper… I like Tru, you know that… we solid and been solid but I think he’s too fast for you… you wanna go talk?”
Pepper shook her head backing away from Tasha and into the street. “I’m not no hustler like you Tasha. Mama put me out a few weeks ago.. I gotta do what I gotta do…” She told her as a look of sadness overcame her. “I’ll call you aiight? I love you.”
Tasha stared out into the now dark street watching Pepper go. “Pepper!” She yelled behind her. She spun around looking at Tasha. “If anything ever happens to me… promise me you’ll take care of my baby for me.”
Pepper nodded her head. “Promise!” She yelled. “But aint nothing gone happen to you. You the strongest bitch I know!” With that, she disappeared back to the block and Tasha made her way home.
When she got inside… it was the same ole scene. Except Eli was actually home in the kitchen trying to clean up. He was the only brother she had left now. “Sup Eli…” She spoke sadly.
He turned around with his cocoa eyes looking at his baby sis. His slender 6ft frame was perfectly ripped, long dreads were neat down his back. His fingers perfectly manicured. His dress code always up to par. Tasha always thought that Eli was gay… like an undercover gay or something like that. He had no kids, never wanted a wife and she never saw him with a girlfriend. It was like… he was just undercover with it but she didn’t care, he was still a true thug at heart. “Ray Ray got locked up today.” He informed her. “How’s the baby?” He asked.
The baby was the last thing she wanted to talk about, and she damn sho didn’t wanna talk about Ray Ray cause he’d always been a fuck up, but she still gave an answer. “Okay, I guess. I’m tired, I’ll see you tomorrow.” She drag her feet walking away.
In her room behind closed doors, she made up her mind. She’d go find a job, she was done hugging the block.
Eight
Money was tight for Tasha and although it took her a few weeks to get there, she felt good when she filled out the application for McDonald’s and they actually called her back. She knew it wouldn’t be the fast money she was use to but she was willing to give it a try. She’d just worked her first shift and her feet were tired and her body was cramping. She was trying her best to cope with having HIV but she’d lost a dramatic amount of weight in the past few weeks from stress and worry. On top of that, she hadn’t seen or heard from QUA… nobody had. Then again, she hadn’t seen nobody, not
even Pepper. She was still running up in stores when she had big orders but most of her days were spent hiding out in her room pretending to be sleep so her mama wouldn’t fuck with her.
She changed her number from Ralph but she made sure to text QUA with the new number and still no reply. She beat the pavement up with her black work Nikes and her work uniform smelling like fried foods and grease. She carefully walked around a broken street light in front of the hood’s corner store and when she looked up, there was Ralph riding along side of her in his street clothes and his brand new Cadillac Escalade. Her heart started beating fast as hell as the saliva built up in her mouth. If he wasn’t such a pedophile he would be fine as hell, but she couldn’t even look at him that way. All she could think about are the ways that he took advantage of her body and the nasty things he did to her.
“You been ignoring me huh? Freedom don’t mean nothing no more? You must think clockers cant go to jail too Tasha.” He slow drove on the side of her with one arm hanging from the window.
“Yeah well ion do none of that shit no more. I’m done with this shit. Don’t you see this uniform? I’m legit now so fuck you.” She hissed.
He ignored her statement. “Sorry about your brother… ole boy was a good dude.”
“Don’t you ever fucking bring him up. He’s dead and buried. It’s been over two months now so let him rest. What else you want with me?” She asked agitated ready to get this over with. She wanted to ask him about the HIV so bad but because she wasn’t sure which one of them she contracted it from she couldn’t say shit… at least not now anyway.