Later, she felt many different emotions. She was proud she’d been able to go in there with control but also worried. She didn't want to look at men with dollar signs in her eyes. She didn’t want to act in a certain way just because they might like it and risk becoming a different person. She was scared that, upon leaving the parlor, she might not be able to leave Jade behind.
Yet wasn’t that why she was there?
* * * *
Sarah and Michele arrived after lunch. The parlor seemed to have affected Sarah a lot already. Jade found her more flighty and unable to grasp herself anymore. There were too many things opening up for her.
In a way, Jade understood. The job had changed her too. She introduced herself to the clients with more confidence. Her innocent urge to shake hands had been completely dispelled, which made her wonder would Christian pick her if he saw her now. Would he see something different in her still? She hoped the answer was yes.
Sarah was like Michele’s shadow. From the way she studied Michele’s every gesture and nuance, it seemed she wanted to be her. When she and Jade were alone, Sarah talked to her about badly wanting to sleep with a woman. “I’d love to be with Michele, but there’s no way it’s going to happen.”
Jade was surprised Sarah was able to realize this. The girl seemed caught in a bubble of desire, in a place where reality couldn’t get through. “How do you know?” Jade asked.
“She told me.”
Jade smiled. She could imagine Michele’s bluntness.
“What’s funny?”
Sarah’s harsh, probing glare unhinged her. “Nothing...”
“Well, she’s going to introduce me to some friends of hers.”
Jade couldn’t help wonder if Sarah had given Michele a choice, but refrained from asking.
Later, Jade found herself alone with Michele. The other woman’s legs were crossed and she smoked a cigarette, moving her head back on her long, slender neck to blow smoke rings. Jade felt her usual nervousness in her company, which kept her silent, though Michele must’ve recognized the sexual tension in her. When she put out her cigarette, her dark blue eyes studied Jade from across the table. She leaned forward so her breasts seemed to bow. “I wouldn’t be with a woman who wasn’t sure or who wanted to see what it’s like. That pisses me off.”
Jade nodded. “That makes sense.” She felt relieved these words managed to squeeze out her tight throat. She didn’t know if Michele was talking about her or Sarah.
Michele already had a girlfriend. Gillian came for a visit and was very pretty, with short black hair and large eyes. Tall and slim, she wore jeans and a tank top. Michele kissed her and her hand went to her ass, pulling her forward so their breasts rubbed against each other. Jade tried not to look but it was difficult to turn away.
Sarah didn’t seem too pleased. Jade tried to warn her. “Sarah, take it easy on Michele. Give her some space. You’re too eager.”
“Of course I am. She’s made me doubt my sexuality.”
“Remember your boss? Has there been a man since?”
Sarah’s silence was enough.
“You’ve only been here a few days.”
“I know, isn’t it mad?”
Jade gave up.
* * * *
Sasha left the office only when necessary. Everyone noticed but Nikki remained silent when Michele questioned Sasha’s distance. Jade couldn’t wait to hear the rest of Nikki’s story, though she couldn’t bring it up in front of the other girls. She watched Nikki and saw quietness in her that she’d missed the first day they met. It was made evident in simple things, like when Nikki lowered her gaze to her hands and got lost there. Jade wondered what she was remembering and appreciated that the small, beautiful girl didn’t open up to just anyone.
When Michele, Sarah and Aisling went into the living room to watch some soap on TV, Jade declined. She didn’t need to watch those fantastical lives anymore, not with all these people around her, and she wanted some quiet after Aisling had spent ages venting because she hadn’t been picked all day. There were too many women here to choose from. Why put five on during the day? No one mentioned she was not supposed to be here. She was even scarier when she was mad. Her freckles hopped. Jade tried to make her feel better by saying she only got a half-hour session, but Aisling threw her a look that said it should have been hers.
Nikki was with a client. With the sound of the shower running, Jade couldn’t help wonder if she joined them under the hot spray. When she came down, Nikki giggled and sat at the table. “Don’t you ever get turned on doing that?” She motioned to the rooms upstairs.
“No,” Jade answered, probably too quickly.
“Even with the guy yesterday? He was gorgeous. Don’t tell me he did nothing.”
Jade shrugged and Nikki’s intent gaze made her feel small. “Are you gay?”
She shook her head, wanting to tell Nikki to stop asking questions but couldn’t. She felt powerless, like she was being interrogated, and with good reason.
“Then what is it?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing! Did you see my last client?” Nikki didn’t wait for an answer. “He was a bit old but he had a great body, and wow, his penis was long. I had to arch my back to make him come.” She smiled. “I would have loved to sit on it.”
“Nikki!”
She laughed. “I didn’t, of course. I wouldn’t do that, but while he showered, I had to take care of myself. I was so excited by him. I sat on the wicker chair and spread my legs. I touched myself, imagining the feel of him inside. My eyes closed, and I was so lost in it I didn’t hear the shower turn off or him enter the room. I felt his presence, though, just as I shuddered and came.
“From his smile and the hard-on in his hands, I knew he had been standing by the door for a few minutes. I continued caressing my breasts and touching myself while he started rubbing his penis. I kept looking at his wonderful cock and his gaze stayed fixed on my crotch. He had a good view, my legs were wide apart. I moved my fingers with his hand, slowly at first then building up speed. I knew he imagined his penis inside me and I trembled with this thought alone. I had two orgasms, and you’re telling me you don’t even get wet.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
Nikki’s eyes widened at the confession. Jade couldn’t believe she had spoken so freely. There was a moment of silence when Jade thought everything fell into place for Nikki.
And Jade wondered what she was seeking most, control or the loss of it?
With Jade’s sudden discomfort, Nikki leaned forward with a mischievous smile and laid a hand on her arm. “The threesome’s happened three more times.” She winked and Jade smiled at her new friend for moving the focus off her. “Sasha phoned and asked me to come over two days after the first time. There was no pretense in what they wanted. I could hear it in Sasha’s tone when she asked me, ‘Do you want to come?’ Afterward, we sat naked and talked, but sex was always between us.
“From then on, whenever it was the three of us together, something would always happen. Then two days ago, Sasha wouldn’t answer my calls. She won’t talk to me anymore. It’s gone from that to nothing. I wouldn’t dare try Manuel.”
“Why?” Jade asked.
“Because I’d want to fuck him” Nikki’s smile made the comment seem almost innocent.
“Maybe she knows that. It must be hard to share someone.”
“It wasn’t my fault.”
Jade shook her head to Nikki’s wide beseeching eyes. “It wasn’t your fault he wanted you, but it doesn’t make it easier.”
“Should I try to talk to her?”
“You should at least understand. After all, you said yourself you’d fuck her boyfriend without her if you had the chance. She has no reason to trust you.”
Nikki nodded. Jade’s features felt strained as she considered Colin. She had no reason to trust him after the last two years.
After a while, Nikki stood. She took a few steps but turned back. “When I desc
ribed our first time, or when Arlene talked about her flat mate’s friend, were you even a little turned on?”
Jade thought she would lie but couldn’t. She shook her head, as if she was a lost cause. Watching Nikki walk away, Jade realized she was great for stating the obvious when it came to other people’s lives, but she couldn’t do it with her own. She had chosen to ignore the cracks tearing her apart.
Three more clients arrived, but Jade wasn’t picked. She barely looked at them. Her life had seeped into these walls and she couldn’t shake it completely. She tried to convince herself that one client per day was enough. After all, she wasn’t doing it for the money. She still had her own account and Colin put money in there every week. Sometimes she felt like the separated wife getting alimony.
Toward the end of the day, Sarah ran to Jade, saying Christian had arrived, then laughed and said she was only joking. Within seconds, her expression changed and she was beside Jade, apologizing. Jade tried to push her away. “Stop being silly. It’s okay.”
“It isn’t okay. You should’ve seen your face.”
“I was just worried.” Jade tried not to think of the way her heart had jumped.
Nikki was talking to Sasha when Jade was getting ready to go. Jade wondered about Manuel and Sasha. Was their relationship as they had hoped or were they disappointed? Did they trust each other?
Jade suspected Colin was sleeping with someone else. The idea ran around in her head every now and again but she felt no panic or concern, no desire to rummage through his trousers. Mostly a heavy feeling of failure accompanied this musing. She didn’t know if she didn’t care enough or cared too much.
The doorbell rang again. The girls decided to sit this one out and let Aisling have him, without telling her, of course. Jade, waiting in her jeans and t-shirt, prayed he wouldn’t leave.
There was a silent cheer and wave of hands when Aisling disappeared with the client.
Chapter 8
At home, Kate went straight for the en-suite bathroom. The emptiness of the house was a comfort as she stepped out of the shower. With a towel in hand, she looked in the full-length mirror by the door and dried herself. She didn’t turn from the pale color of her skin, the flat, weak stomach or the legs that had, on a cool day two years ago, betrayed her.
She threw the towel on the floor and walked naked to the bedroom, the soft beige carpet caressing her feet as she pulled out underwear, fresh, loose trousers and a top. She felt lazy and relaxed, like a woman of leisure, until she heard the garage door open.
A nervous fright ran across her body. Her shoulders moved in slightly and her hands trembled as she pulled her pants on and groped for her bra. She moved quickly, as if caught in some shocking act. She avoided the mirror by her wardrobe, kept her eyes downward and her actions tight, so by the time the door to the garage closed, she was sitting on the bed pulling up socks with her heart beating fast underneath her cotton top.
Colin appeared at the bedroom door. “Sorry I’m so late.”
Kate smiled, and in the way it stretched too far and tightened cheeks, she recognized what had moved her. She remembered the feeling of shame she’d had in the hospital when they examined her, and how self-disgust had spread with more resolve as the police interviewed her.
* * * *
The police woman asked, “Did you fight back?”
Kate looked to Colin for an escape route. She begged him with her eyes to tell them to stop questioning her, but he turned away, severing all support. She shook her head and felt her cheeks redden “I don’t remember.”
“You must remember. Did you tell him ‘no’?”
“I pushed him away.”
“He’s saying it was consensual.”
Kate felt the walls move in on her. Of course her attacker was saying that, but why were the police listening to him? She wanted to scream and shout how much he had already taken from her, but no sound would come from her.
“He said you told him, ‘Not here.’ That’s all.”
Colin shook his head. Maybe she wouldn’t have noticed if she hadn’t kept her gaze fixed on his hair, seeking something to hang onto in those sandy strands.
“No.” Kate didn’t know if it was an answer to that statement or a plea to her husband.
The policewoman’s hand was dry when it covered hers. She had short dark hair and brown eyes which seemed to view everything with squinting dubiousness. Now they were wide open, and Kate saw a dot of black outside the pupil before she noticed the tenderness. “We believe you, but we have to ask you these things. I’m sorry.”
Kate nodded and tried to shake the feeling of reliving her attack all over again. She needed Colin’s help and he wouldn’t look at her.
When they finished questioning her, he helped her up. She wanted nothing more than to dig her fingers into his cheek, make him look at her and shout I am still your wife! but she couldn’t do it. She had pushed against her rapist’s chest, but she should’ve fought more. Kate hadn’t screamed, and if she couldn’t do it then, how could she do it now? She got into the car and let the silence move around her. Her shame fed off it, like a parasite on blood.
She didn’t remember her promise never to be like her father, who’d grown frail after his wife left. When her attacker had dug his fingers into her skin as he pushed her against the wall and she clawed at his chest, her eyes burning with all the no needed, everything else had fallen away from her, like she was a snake shedding skin and there was no room for memory anymore.
Kate also forgot the man she wanted to help her was the man she told she would never need.
* * * *
“The meeting went on longer than usual.” Colin stood in the doorway, and she saw him hold back the questions about her late shower and the way she sat on the bed with her legs pressed together and hands on knees, as if her body suppressed some secret. He squinted and tilted his head slightly. “Fancy a pizza?”
She shrugged, self-consciousness making the gesture heavy. “Sure.”
“The usual?”
Another shrug like a flippant teenager made Colin turn to the kitchen. He didn’t look at her the way she needed to bring her out. Not like Christian had.
She didn’t want to think of the man with the soft, blue eyes and the way he watched her as if he’d found exactly what he’d been searching for, but with her husband on the phone innocently ordering pizza, she couldn’t help it. She wanted Colin to look at her like that instead of with a mild curiosity that could easily be ignored.
Kate walked into the kitchen and found Colin opening a bottle of red wine. He looked at her and smiled. “Food will be here in fifteen minutes. How was your day?”
“I went for a walk.”
He paused and looked at her. She couldn’t read his face, but she thought he was annoyed. His smile didn’t reach his eyes. “You shouldn’t go alone.”
“I’m not a child.”
“I know that.” The cork popped from the bottle. His body moved back with the effort, and she couldn’t help think he was moving away from her. “But I should be with you.”
“Should I wait ’til you have a free moment?”
“I said sorry. I couldn’t help the delay.”
“I know. It’s okay.” For once, it was. Kate took two wine glasses from the cupboard. He was studying her when she turned, and she felt goose bumps rise. There was something disconcerting with the steady focus of his glare, as if he was looking for holes. “What, Colin?”
“You seem a bit different.”
She smiled. “It was good to get out.”
“Where did you go?”
She thought of Jeanne next door and wondered if her neighbor saw her walk past the house at the beginning of the day and if she recognized the darting figure returning hours later. She had to take her chances.
“Just as far as the train station.”
“It wasn’t scary?”
“A little at first. It felt as if I’d forgotten how to walk.” His dismissive nod di
spersed her mirth. She shook her head against his stringent gaze and put the glasses gently on the counter. “But it was good.”
“The doctor said you could have panic attacks.”
“I’ve never had a panic attack in my life.”
“You were never—”
“Don’t, Colin. I don’t want to hear that word.”
“But it’s true. You’ve hardly left the house in two years. Don’t you think you should be more careful?”
“I just went for a bloody walk.” She hated that he recognized her guilt, though he couldn’t know the blame stretched as far her toes. Her cheeks warmed with the memory of the parlor and lying naked on a man she didn’t know. “I was careful.” Her words came out disjointed, her confidence buffeted by each one.
He gave a soft smile that eased his face and made her want to lie against him, have his arms protect her from her own stupidity and the need to move outside their walls. “The last time you went to the psychiatrist, you talked about taking anti-depressants. We still haven’t decided on that.”
“I’m feeling better now.”
“That’s great, but feeling better doesn’t mean you’re ready to just forget about everything yet.”
“Should I spend my days remembering?”
“No, all I’m saying is take your time.”
“It’s been two years.”
He spread his arms. “I’m not going anywhere.”
She wasn’t either, that was the problem, but her argument got lost in the swirl of red wine he poured. The glasses looked forlorn to her now, like gaping wounds.
Colin handed her the drink. “To your walk.” They clinked under his hard gaze. “Well done.” He took a sip, and she wished she could mimic his easy smile.
* * * *
The next morning while Colin slept, he threw his arm over Kate and her eyes opened. The weight of his hand falling toward her nightdress was like that of the world. She watched his thick fingers in the semi-darkness and thought of sleeping snakes. The gold shine of his wedding ring was something not to be thought about.
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