Did she still want me in that way? Where she was mine and I was hers? Since childhood I was determined to get her, but only if she wanted me.
I forced myself to move and look away from her. Our friends were still out there, waiting for us. I stood and went to find a shirt. “Thanks for waking me up.”
You’d think it would be harder to breathe when the person you love is near you, but I couldn’t breathe with her away from me.
“No problem,” she whispered. If I was looking at her, she’d probably have her hand behind her neck or was looking for a pocket to hide her nerves somewhere in her skirt. “I’ll see you outside.”
SERENA
I sat on the futon as far away from Brandon as I possibly could. I kept my eyes from drifting towards him as our friends argued over which ice rink was better. It didn’t matter where we would go. I was afraid to go near Brandon. I was afraid of what I would do if I was near him. He seemed to be in control, but my insides felt like a storm. It was obvious I was still attracted to him. I just wished I was smooth and not tripping over words around him. “Why don’t we vote on it and not argue anymore?” Keith stretched out his arms as if he were stopping two pillars from falling.
“I can’t skate anyway.” I frowned. I was terrible. I had tried to learn for years, and I was a complete failure. “So vote without me.”
Keith calls the vote and the majority raise their hands for the rink closest to us. I finally brought myself to look at Brandon. His body seemed relaxed, but his eyes were as stormy as I felt. I regretted not fighting for us. I regretted not trying. I regretted so much it hurt. But I couldn’t live with regret. I had to take what I wanted without fear. Without worry. I had to try again.
Did trying always feel like a rickety bridge over a bottomless pit? I could date him if I wanted to. What if I’m just a cute girl to him now? I still regretted pushing him away. Even if the reason was valid, I regretted it, but if he still had feelings for me, I wouldn’t push him away again. No matter what my mom says or how scared I was.
I fell on my ass the second I stepped onto the ice. I felt like I had cracked something even though the people at the rink gave us knee pads and butt pads.
“Damn. I’m surprised you didn't fall on your face.” Trinity howled with laughter and glided to me. Keirsten wrapped around to the other side of me as I tried to stand. The corners of her lips twitched. Her eyes held amusement and an apology. I glared at her. Falling hurt.
“Let’s at least help her first.” Kay reached out her hand, and I took it begrudgingly.
“You were about to laugh anyway. It’s all over your face.” I reached for the wall and gripped it as if my life depended on it. She covered her face and snickered.
“I’m sorry.” She let out a short giggle, and I cracked a smile, before laughing at myself.
“I probably looked like an idiot.”
“Idiots a bit harsh but you did look crazy.” Kay patted my shoulder, then smiled at something behind me. “See you on the ice if you can make it.”
She skated away, and I turned to see what was behind me. Brandon was leaning against the wall, watching me. Ugh he probably thinks I’m ridiculous. A former cheerleader who can’t keep her balance on the ice. I’m a full on klutz, and he’s moving towards me with the grace of a swan.
“You look terrified.” He leaned next to me, struggling to fight a grin. I wanted to smack him.
“You would be terrified too if you didn’t know what you were doing.” My legs buckled under me, and I clutched the walls tighter and pulled myself. I could just sit out. No one would notice. Everyone else was wrapped up in the fun they were having. I could just sit on those wonderful bleachers and watch. .
“You want to escape don’t you?” he asked his grinning getting bigger. I chuckled and waved my hand at him. How could this guy read me so well? “You keep looking longingly at the bleachers.”
“I’m just really bad at this.” I pursed my lips and motioned to my skates.
“Come here.” Brandon tapped his waist. I stared at him. I wasn’t ready to be near him again, but I also wasn’t ready to die on the ice. I wrapped my arms around his waist and stared at my skates, hoping to gain some form of balance. He wrapped his arm around mine keeping me steady. I felt safe. Death by ice didn’t seem so near. “Let me teach you.”
We had gone around at a slow pace a few times. He was a very patient teacher and every time I felt like I was going to fall he would hold me tighter until I regained my footing.
“You know what’s holding you back is your fear of falling.” he said. “You’ve gotta make mistakes to get better.”
“But falling hurts.” Everytime I fell, the pain never got better. I just grew tired of falling.
“Falling always hurts.”
I turned my head towards Brandon, but he was far behind me. He had let me go. I was going to fall. There was no way I was going to find my balance this time. “Come back!”
“Relax.” He chuckled. “I’ll be here to catch you.”
I was on my own, and I was going to fall flat on my face and break my nose. Maybe my neck. I moved painfully slow, wobbling as I squatted and spread my feet apart in a way to keep myself from dying. I wanted to grab onto something, but the railing was too far away. My fingers were shaking and I gritted my teeth. All Brandon did was watch me and smile.
“You’re doing great,” he said. “Just take it slow.”
“It’s fine. I've already accepted my death.” I waved my hand at him and almost slipped again. I heard him chuckle as I steadied myself. I breathed slowly, concentrating on the way my skates moved with the ice. I shut the idea of falling out of my mind. The thought of impending death disappeared from my mind and my shoulders relaxed.
I willed myself to turn around and face Brandon and squealed. I was still standing upright. I was still on my skates. I didn't fall!
He flashed a grin and motioned for me to come closer. I moved quickly, and my foot buckled under me. My body jolted forward. I screeched. Brandon ran towards me and the rest of my body landed in his arms. He grabbed my waist and lifted me upright. I gripped his shirt and let out breathy spurts of laughter. I screamed and Brandon caught me.
“You okay?” He grazed the side of my cheek with one hand while wrapping his arm around the other to prevent me from slipping again. My cheek warmed at his touch. The rink was no longer cold but nice and toasty.
“Yeah. Everything but my pride is okay.”
The corner of his mouth lifted and a warm chuckled shook through his chest. “You’re pride will be fine. It's only a minor injury.”
“What if falling hurts more than my pride.” It wasn't about the skates or the ice anymore. I was talking about me. I was talking about us. I wanted to let myself love someone and be loved, but the fear was still there. I had already fallen, I was already broken, but if I shattered . . . if my mother was right about me, I wasn't sure if I could pick up the pieces.
“You won't have to pick up the pieces alone. Even with this short distance between us you won't be alone,” he said, a small smile on his face. I hoped he was right. I hoped we could pick up where we left off. I hoped I could deal with my mother from a distance. I didn’t want her words to hurt me anymore.
“Brandon. Serena.” We saw Keirsten and Trin waving at us from the bleachers. “Let’s go eat.”
Brandon pulled away and tangled his fingers with mine as we exited the rink.
25
Brandon
Keirsten and Henley packed the weekend with so many things, I didn't have time to talk to Serena again. I needed her in my life in the same way plants needed water. I didn't want her to be the girl I used to be with. Some girl I'd see every now and then when I visit my sister. I needed Serena to be more than that, and I wanted her for as long as I could have her. I'd do whatever I could to let her know I loved her.
I only had a few minutes to do that.
The girls were outside my door saying goodbye to Keith and each othe
r. My eyes met Serena's every so often. She tapped her foot and chewed on her bottom lip as an eager expression crossed her eyes. A light bulb went off, and she moved to me.
“I forgot something. My charger.” She wrung her fingers together and I nodded. “I'll meet you downstairs, Trin. I need help finding it.”
“Oh. Okay.” My sister dragged everyone else out and shut the door.
“What'd you forget?” I moved close enough to feel her breath against my skin.
“I forgot you.” I didn’t remember her being this bold and it was kind of cheesy, but I loved every second of it.
She touched my chest lightly with her fingers.
“I want you, Brandon.” My heart stopped. It was one thing to know someone wanted you by action, but it was another to hear it. “I know you probably don't want to deal with being in a relationship with me. I come with a lot of problems and baggage. I'm still in therapy and I-”
I cupped her face in my hands and matched her eyes with mine. “I don't care about that. I love you for you. Baggage and all. I've always fucking loved you.”
A small squeak escaped. She blinked rapidly and looked down. She drew in a shaky breathe. A small tear slipped down her face, and I wiped it away. “You still love me?”
“Yeah.” I chuckled. “I don't think that's ever going to change.”
“Oh good.” Her laugh was dry as she sniffed. “I love you too.” Her wet eyes shined as she smiled. “I don't think I told myself that. Sometimes i worry I'll do something and . . .”
I hovered my lips over hers. “I won't stop loving you.”
Her smile grew, and her chuckle was fuller this time. “You know I still have to go. Trins got a meeting and-”
I placed a thumb over her mouth and she giggled. I removed my thumb, replacing it with my lips. She moaned and sunk her body against mine almost immediately. I wrapped both arms around her waist. I wanted her as close to me as I could. Our lips moved hungrily together. I pressed her back against the closest. She wrapped her arms around my neck, and I lifted her legs off the ground. I pressed myself against her and began grinding when she moaned.
“Dammit.” I breathed out, coming up for air. “Why’d you have to go back right now?”
“I could catch a ride back later.” I planted kisses down her neck and grinned when her breath hitched.
“I'll take you home.”
She nodded. I carried her to my room, kicking the door open with my foot.
“We've gotta tell Trin.”
I groaned as I placed her on the bed. “Alright. I’ll text her.”
I shot Trinity a quick text and threw my phone across the room. Serena was sitting on her knees on the bed. Her hands lay open in her lap. It was as if her heart was in her hands, ready for me to take. I hopped on the bed and she squealed.
“Now it’s just you and me.”
It was just us for the night, no distractions. No one to make her leave. I finally had time with her and it didn’t matter if we spent a few days at a time together. She was mine, and I was hers.
I turned the corner towards Serena's street. She hadn't left the car yet, but I was already missing her. Midterms were coming and then finals shortly after, so finding time to meet up was going to be difficult? We would make it work. Exams were nothing compared to the two years I spent away from her.
A familiar black car sat in her driveway and scowled. Why the fuck was she here? Serena's mom caused her enough stress. Why did she need to add more? It didn't make sense. She couldn't control Serena anymore. So what did she want?
I looked to Serena and her face was white. Her breathing was still steady, but her eyes were wide and alert. I covered her hand with mine, rubbing it with the pad of my thumb. “You want me in there with you?”
She gave me a weak smile and shook her head. “No, I got it. I'll be fine.”
“Okay,” I caught her chin and kissed her long and hard. “I'll be at my dad's office if you need anything.”
Her smile was stronger this time. She nodded, grabbed her things and left. I guess she was about to face her mom, and I was about to face my dad. I pulled out of the driveway and headed towards his office.
“He’ll be with you in five minutes.” The secretary set his desk phone down and gestured towards the seats behind me. “Just wait over there, okay?”
“Alright.” I nodded and took a seat in one of the brown leather chairs. Three secretaries sat outside of my dad’s office. They all wore glasses and the same shade of brown. My father didn’t allow much color in the office, and he made sure his secretaries did the same.
His office door opened. He had a large smile on his face as he waved me over.
“So, are you transferring, my boy? Start a new journey in the right direction?” He sat down and swung his chair side to side.
“I’m going to stay at Nerita.”
“Why?” He stopped swinging and placed his hands on his desk.
“The program there is better for what I want to do.”
“Are you sure?” he asked. “What about your girlfriend? Don’t you want to be closer to her?”
“We’ll be fine.” I ran my fingers through my hair and smiled.
“The offer’s still open if you change your mind.” My dad stood again and walked around his desk to me. “You could be doing great things. The job I have is a good one with a steady income.”
“I’ll be fine, Dad.”
“If you say so. Good luck with finals.”
I waved as I left. I had to walk my own path and find what worked for me.
SERENA
“That right there is why I shouldn’t have let you leave the house.”
“Hi, Mom.”
I knew she would come, but I was hoping for more time. I was hoping my mom would wait before she barged in on my freedom. Hoping with her was always a waste of time. She was sitting on the steps with her arms crossed and lips pursed so tight they almost disappeared. Her skin was grey like the clouds in the sky, but her eyes were angry.
“And that roommate of yours wouldn’t let me in.” She shook her head and hiked her purse over her shoulders, before standing. “You’d think Anne’s daughter would stay sweet a little longer, but I guess her stupid father got to her too. Hi, Serena. I forgot to say hello. I’m usually so well mannered.”
I chuckled. Well-mannered my ass. She hadn’t changed a bit. I stepped around her and let us both inside. Trinity was sitting on the couch, her legs propped on the coffee table and a large slice of pizza in her hands.
“She can’t open the door, but she can eat.” My mom mumbled. Trinity rolled her eyes and set the pizza on her plate.
“If you weren’t so rude, Sophia, I would’ve opened the door.” I sent Trinity a pointed look. I’m glad she loved me enough to defend me, but I didn’t need this visit from my mom to be any more unbearable. Her eyes caught mine and she backed down. “I’ll be nice for Serena though. I’ve got homework I need to finish. I’ll see you later, Ree.”
“Good.” My mom took a seat far from Trinity. Trinity grabbed her pizza and left. “Now, Serena, I don’t want to impose on your little thing you’ve got going here. I’m surprised the place is actually clean.” Her eyes scanned the living area and she shrugged. “It’s not perfect, but it’s good enough, I guess.”
God, why was she like this? “So why are you here? I know you don’t care enough to want to see me.”
She blinked rapidly and her lips parted for a brief moment before straightening herself again. “I do care about you, Serena. I just had to be hard on you. It was all out of love, and you needed to learn the lesson. I’m a great mom. We both know that.”
“A great mom who suddenly decided her daughter was a worthless slut?”
“I wouldn’t put it that way.” She laughed nervously and swiped at her nose. “But I’m your mother. Not your friend. I couldn’t be nice to you all the time. And I had to make sure you did everything right.”
“Do you do everything right?” I mo
ved over the coffee table and sat. “Tell me, to my face, that you were always perfect. That you never did anything wrong.”
“Of course, I did things wrong.” She rubbed her arm with her hands, a fake awkward smile sitting on her face. “I didn’t want you to end up like the old me, but you came here with that boy. I thought you weren’t going to talk to him again. He’s bad for you. Do you know what his father did? He could do that to you.”
“He’s not like Scott, and I’m not like you.” I rested my chin in my hands. “I’ll never be like you, Mom.”
“I just . . .” She frowned and her eyes fell to her lap. Was she actually sad? “I just think you should rethink everything. He could cheat on you with your best friend. Keirsten goes to his school right? He could cheat on you with her.”
“Mom.” I gripped the table with my hands and sighed.
“His father did it. So why wouldn’t he do it?”
“What?” I wasn’t worried about Brandon turning into his father. My mom couldn’t get it in her head that being related didn’t mean you were just like them. Now she was telling me Scott cheated on Anne with her best friend? “You’re her Anne’s best friend.”
My mother let out a small laugh that grew stronger every second. “She hasn’t been my friend for years. She always got whatever she wanted. She had him for years until he got bored of her. He was going to leave her for me, you know?”
“What the fuck?”
“Language, Serena.” She snapped her fingers, and I felt a growl escape from my throat. She continued to talk, but I couldn’t hear any of it. I was too angry to listen. I was too angry to care anymore.
My voice rose as I spoke again. “You treated me like shit because you were a shitty friend?”
Longing for the Impossible Page 15