The math problems were the last of my homework. I put my stuff in my backpack. “Yeah, it’s a lot easier to keep up with what’s going on when you’re right there in each other’s faces.”
“Hey! Stop it!” There was the sound of the phone hitting the carpet. “Teddy, don’t.”
“Amelia, what are you wearing?” a male voice said, cracking on the question.
A loud smack resounded through the phone, followed by a painful wail, then a door slammed. “Jeez, I’m sorry about him,” Raine said, out of breath. “He’s such a little perv, and he’s got this major thing for Amelia. I said that already, didn’t I? Do you have any siblings?”
“Nope, and I don’t want any.” The friends I’d had back in Texas all tended to be from large families, and brothers and sisters seemed to be more trouble than they were worth.
“I’ll trade you anytime.” Raine sighed again. “I’ll be right there, Mom!” She muffled her shout. “Look, I’ve got to go. I’m betting Teddy told Mom I slapped him. Now I’ve got to go explain. See you tomorrow.”
I smiled at the idea of seeing Raine and Amelia the next day. “Definitely. Bye.”
“Bye.” Then Raine was gone.
I grabbed my backpack and carried it to the bench near the front door so I wouldn’t have to find it the next morning. It was nice talking to Raine. It was interesting that she and Amelia weren’t a couple. They definitely gave off that girlfriend vibe. Maybe it would be better if I waited for a while to see what fell out. I also couldn’t decide which one caught my attention more. Raine had that smart artsy thing going on, but Amelia sure looked sexy in her cheerleading outfit. I glanced at the clock as I headed up the stairs toward my room. I had time to spend online, and I watched an episode of Doctor Who before I went to bed. It was hard to watch only one, but I didn’t want to be tired the next morning when I got to school. I surprised myself by looking forward to it. With Amelia and Raine around, Dove Valley High might not be too bad.
Chapter Seven
Raine
“HEY, RAINE, what do you think of Mel?” Amelia asked, nearly shouting over the music playing on the stereo in my car.
We were on our way home from school. I had already dropped Mel off, and it was just me and Amelia since my mom had picked up my little brothers. Most days it was me and Mel when Amelia had cheer practice. We’d been back to school for a week and a half, and the three of us had already fallen into a routine where I picked them up before school and dropped them off after. I was the only one who had a car. Amelia had a car, but it had broken down over the summer, and she hadn’t come up with the money to fix it yet. As far as I could tell, Mel couldn’t afford a car, but I hadn’t asked, and she hadn’t volunteered the information. They gave me gas money. I told them they didn’t have to because both their houses were on the way, but they still did. I guess it helped them feel like they were contributing.
Amelia had her feet up on my dashboard, and she was scrolling through songs on the playlist I had downloaded to the stereo in my car. She picked a song we both liked and settled back into the passenger seat, tapping her toes against the windshield in time with the beat as we sang along. I’d have to clean the toe prints off the inside of the glass, but I didn’t care. It was worth it to see Amelia so relaxed. Lately, she always seemed tired or preoccupied, not the happy girl I had always known.
“I like her. I think she’s cool,” I said.
“Yeah, me too,” said Amelia.
“Not that Mel would like being called cool.” I laughed. “She seems so into being a geek, the antithesis of cool. But she’s cool. I’m glad we met her. What about you?” I asked, glancing at her as I pulled into the little parking lot next to the river. The park was only a block from Amelia’s house, and we went there sometimes to sit on a low tree branch near the river and talk. We’d considered it our spot since the day we discovered it six years ago while exploring the area around her house. It felt like we hadn’t been to our spot in a long time. Not since the final day of school last year, now that I thought about it. Cheer camp and art classes had kept us busy over the summer, along with vacations. I was happy to have this moment alone with my best friend. We got out of the car and walked down the path following the river for a little bit, then veered off through some bushes that opened up to a small bank where our tree was growing.
“I like her. She has a way about her that kind of draws you in, you know? It sort of feels like we’ve known her longer than only a couple of weeks,” said Amelia, pulling up a long stalk of grass and throwing it into the river. It floated away in the gentle current.
“Yeah, I noticed that too,” I agreed. “She’s got a kind of charisma, a natural charm.”
“She’s smart too, and intriguing in an androgynous sort of way. Sometimes I feel a little on the outside when you two geek out about some of your shows or podcasts, but even that’s kind of fun to watch.”
We scooted up onto the branch, sitting close to one another, and watched the water flow by as we swung our feet. Our hands rested on the branch on either side of us, and Amelia absently hooked our pinky fingers together. I loved feeling that closeness with her. I made a note to try and not let her feel left out with too much talk of the shows Mel and I had bonded over. It was nice having two friends who both brought out different things in me.
“I wish I could pull that androgynous look off,” I said.
“What? The short hair?” asked Amelia, looking over to study me. She pushed my hair, which I had left loose that day, behind my ear. “I like your hair. It fits with your whole bohemian look. But I’d like you with short hair too. You could be totally bald, and I’d still like you.”
“That’s a relief.” I smiled. “I’d like you if you were bald too.”
“Good, because I swear my hair is falling out in clumps,” she said with a frown, pulling a strand of her beautiful red hair in front of her eyes. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My mom says it’s a cycle thing, but she went out and bought some vitamins and hair growth stuff for me, just in case.”
She could do with some vitamins, I thought. She barely ate anymore, and it was starting to worry me. I didn’t know if it was a misguided diet or something else, but when I tried to bring it up, she always changed the subject.
“Your mom bought you Rogaine?” I asked, trying to hide my thoughts. I may have snorted a little when I laughed. I immediately felt bad because I knew how Amelia felt about her looks.
“Not Rogaine, you dork.” She bumped my shoulder. I was relieved that she went with the teasing. “But basically the same stuff, except a female brand.”
“Maybe you should see a doctor. Hair doesn’t start falling out for no reason.”
“Yeah, I will if the stuff my mom bought doesn’t work.”
We were quiet for a minute, but it was a comfortable quiet. The river bubbled along under us. Somewhere nearby birds were chirping. In the distance a dog barked. For being in the city, our tree was one of the quietest places I knew.
“We were talking about Mel,” I said, changing the subject. I didn’t want chill-Amelia to morph into worried-Amelia, and I knew if I let things drag out too long, she’d fall into brooding. She’d started doing that a lot lately, and I didn’t like it. “I’m glad we met her. I like how she sort of just fits in with you and me. Like, she’s always been here. Is that weird?”
“No, it’s not weird. I totally agree,” she said. “I was wondering….” She let the sentence hang.
“Wondering what?” I prompted when she didn’t continue.
“Well—and this isn’t a bad thing—but have you noticed how Mel seems to be, you know, a little flirty? Especially with you and me?”
I’d definitely noticed, but I played it like I didn’t. I wanted to see what Amelia had to say about it.
“I think that’s simply the way she is,” I said.
“Maybe,” she said, sounding like she was considering it. “I haven’t seen her do it with anyone else. Not as much, anywa
y.”
“Does it bother you?” I reached out and plucked a leaf from a nearby branch.
“Not really. I think it’s kind of fun, actually. How about you?”
“I think it’s kind of fun too. I don’t think she means anything by it,” I said, but lately, I’d sort of wondered if there was some truth behind it. She flirted with both of us about the same, and if she was a lesbian like I suspected, I wondered if she was actually into one or both of us. The idea sent a surprising ripple of anticipation through me.
“Probably not,” replied Amelia.
“Do you think she’s a lesbian?” I asked. I looked at her out of the corner of my eye. I’d been wanting to talk to Amelia about it but hadn’t known how to bring it up without sounding all judgy. I wasn’t judging. I was curious.
“I don’t know. I think maybe she is,” she said, like maybe she’d been wondering too.
“Would it be weird if we asked her?” I held the leaf up and looked at it in the sunlight. It was nice how the light played through the green showing all the veins.
“You mean come right out and ask her if she’s into girls?” Amelia said it as if she didn’t think it was a good idea.
“She asked me if you and I were a couple, you know.”
“Really?” Amelia asked quickly, and I wondered if it bothered her. “I mean, did she? How did it come up?”
I told her about the conversation I’d had with Mel when she’d called me after school that first time.
“Why do you think she asked that about us?” asked Amelia.
“She said that she could tell that we were close. Does it bother you that she thought we might be, you know, together like that?”
“No, not at all,” she said, but I could tell she felt something about it. “How about you? Does it bother you?”
“Are you kidding?” I teased as I dropped the leaf and watched it float down to the water. “If I was going to be with a girl, it would be you. You’re my best friend, Ames. Plus, you’re a bona fide hottie, a total catch.”
She laughed and leaned into my shoulder, but I think she was a little embarrassed. It was cute.
“It’s cool if she is,” I told her. “I think I’d like a lesbian sidekick. It sort of adds to the draw.”
“I think so too,” said Amelia.
LATER THAT night, I was in my room finishing up homework. I tried to concentrate on my writing assignment, but it seemed the harder I tried, the more difficult it became. The conversation Amelia and I had about Mel kept running through my mind. When I told Amelia that I’d be with her if I was going to be with a girl, I had meant it. I loved being around her. I actually craved it sometimes. But did I want to be with her in that way? And then I started thinking about what would it be like to really be with her.
I’d never even kissed anyone, so it was hard to imagine. I’d gone out on a few dates, but they hadn’t gone there. Not that the guys hadn’t tried. I just hadn’t been into them like that. Sure, I’d thought about sex before. In an abstract, curious kind of way. I wasn’t a prude. I knew what an orgasm felt like. My mom was a nurse and had been matter-of-fact about the facts of life, so I’d learned what my body could experience when I touched it, and I wasn’t ashamed. Unlike some girls who talked about it like it was dirty or something. Amelia had even been like that when I first met her. I don’t think her mother tried to promote a healthy body image. But I had a strong appreciation for the idea of sex.
But I wanted something more. I wanted to share physical closeness with someone I felt connected with someday. Sometimes I felt like I couldn’t wait for it to happen, and other times I wondered if it would be anything like the overhyped experience it seemed to be. It was scary and exciting and mysterious. The thing was, I had always figured it would be with a guy. Maybe it was social brainwashing. It had always simply been assumed. But honestly, if I thought about it, I’d never been attracted to a guy. Sure, some guys were cute. I even got a little excited when I thought a cute one was into me. But it was more like the excitement you get when someone gives you a compliment, not the internal, tingly, sort of ‘oh my gosh I want to scream’ kind of sexual excitement you hear about. I hadn’t felt like that about a girl either. But I was definitely getting that tingle thinking about Amelia. What would it be like to kiss Amelia? I couldn’t tell if what I was feeling was because it was maybe a taboo thing, or if it was an honest-to-goodness ‘I want to do it with her’ sort of thing. I let my imagination drift, and I imagined it would be tentative at first, soft and warm, like a hug, only better. And then it would get deeper.
I loved Amelia. I always had. She was my best friend, and I would die for her. But did I love her like that? Like a lover? The idea terrified and enthralled me.
Was it because it was Amelia? Was it because she was another girl?
I imagined what it would be like to kiss Mel.
A similar thrill went through me with that too. She was new and exciting. She had that androgynous look that drew me in. I imagined kissing her would be different than kissing Amelia. With the way she was so confident and said certain things, I assumed she had experience and would probably take the lead. She would show me how to kiss in a deep and passionate way. That would be pretty hot.
My heart started to race and my stomach was doing a tumbly, reeling sort of thing. My palms were moist.
Was I getting turned on by thinking about kissing my best friend and a friend who I had only recently met? What was wrong with me? I’d never been this kind of distracted before. Had I just discovered I was a lesbian? Is this how someone figures it out? All of a sudden, one day you’re attracted to your best friend?
Maybe I was bisexual.
I tried to think of a cute guy from school. A guy who I would consider kissing. Devon. He sat next to me in literature. He was the cutest guy in all of my classes. I knew he had a crush on me. Last week Tamara had told me he’d told her he was thinking about asking me out sometime. I’d been a little excited about the prospect, but at the same time, I’d been a little put out that it would take away from hanging out with Amelia and Mel. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine kissing Devon. At first all I could see in my head was an awkward moment where he tried to figure out how to get his arms around me and me being all stiff and weird. Then, when he finally put his lips on mine, all I could think about was the scruffy beard he was trying to grow, and I cringed at the scratchiness. It wasn’t at all like I imagined kissing Amelia or Mel would be, where it would be so smooth and soft. A tremor passed through me.
Oh my God. I was all fluttery inside. Was I seriously turned on by thinking about kissing a girl? Were the feelings I had only for women? Or was it only Amelia and Mel because I knew them? Just because no guy had made me squirm the same way the image of kissing Amelia and Mel had didn’t mean I wasn’t attracted to men, did it? I was so confused. I needed to talk to someone.
I wondered what my parents would think if I told them. Would they be cool with it? I wasn’t sure. They were such kind people. My mother volunteered her nursing skills to the Mountain Health Shelter. My father spent time helping a food pantry and worked in the soup kitchens all the time. But I also thought about how we went to church most Sundays and the terrible things the pastor said about homosexuals during his sermons, which seemed to get worse after the election, like everything else. I’d always hated it but had simply tuned it out and never said anything because I didn’t believe it and I was only one person anyhow. Besides, it didn’t affect anyone I knew. Until now, I guess. But now I wondered if I hadn’t been adding to a bigger issue with my silence. It made me feel like a terrible person, thinking about it.
I’d always been able to talk to my mom and dad about anything. Would I be able to talk to them about this? I was almost certain they would be shocked at first. I mean, seriously, I was a little shocked to even consider it might be a possibility. I imagined telling them, and then I tried to think about how supportive they would be. Try as I might, I honestly couldn’t predict how the
y would react. One thing that gave me a little hope was that my mom’s brother, Uncle Clyde, was gay and I hadn’t heard any of our relatives say anything negative about him.
What about school? Somehow I knew school would be okay. It would hurt if any of my friends had bad reactions, but something told me they might be shocked at first, but then they’d be okay with it. I honestly couldn’t think of one person I was afraid would be mean to me about it. Besides, I only had a year left even if there were problems. I could handle it for that long.
My biggest worry was Amelia. I wondered how she would take it. Obviously, I couldn’t tell her that I might have feelings for her. She’d always been cool about anything gay when we talked about it in general. And there was that time when she stood up for Gerald, one of the openly gay guys at school, when the football players had been teasing him in the quad. The conversation about Mel earlier today had been typical of her. But how would she feel about her best friend being gay? Would that be too close to home? I wouldn’t let her tell her mother. Her mother was a different story. There had been a time when I thought her mom would have been cool with about anything, but she was different now, more critical and high-strung. There was no telling how her mother would react now.
What was I doing? I was already planning things out like it was a foregone conclusion I was a lesbian. I still wasn’t sure. I needed some time to think about it. Maybe it was the power of suggestion. Either way, I was prepared to work through it to see where it went, and I would be fine no matter what.
Chapter Eight
Amelia
I WAS freaking out but hiding it fairly well, I thought, as I sat there trying to study. I had chat open, and both Raine and Mel were online with me, but we’d all gone kind of quiet as we were doing our own thing. I was sure I was the only one trying to study. I wasn’t doing a good job of it, but I was supposed to be studying because I had to do well, and that didn’t mean simply passing my classes; it meant excelling at them. That was my thing.
Three Times the Charm Page 5