“Are you open to talking about eating disorders?”
I was instantly defensive. “I don’t have one of those. I’m not crazy like that.”
“No one said you were.” Her voice was calm and steady. “But I do think you’ve got some things going on here. And these things, they’re hard to get a handle on. I think it’s important we talk about this. And while we’re talking about eating disorders, I want you to know that nothing here makes you weak or is anything negative about you. There’s a lot of pressure out there in the world to look a certain way or to be a certain size, and that can be really hard on anyone, but especially someone your age. I’d like to not put labels on these things either. Please just try to be honest with me and let’s see what we can do to help you get healthier. That’s all I want for you. Those two girls who were in here yesterday, your friends, I’m sure they want you healthy as well.”
“They’re my girlfriends,” I mumbled. It was good to finally tell someone, to be honest about what they meant to me. This doctor couldn’t use them against me. We were stronger than that. So me sharing that part of myself with her didn’t risk me at all.
“Like your best girl friends?” she asked. She didn’t look like she was judging me, just trying to understand.
“Yes, they’re my best friends, but they’re also my girlfriends, like I’m dating them both. Together.”
Sarah smiled in a way that I hadn’t expected in the least. She smiled like she was totally okay with someone dating two people, much less a girl dating two other girls. “That’s an interesting relationship. How do you feel about it?”
“I like it,” I told her simply.
“Is your relationship with them something positive in your life?” Her voice was soft and not quite as clinical as it had been moments before.
“Absolutely.” I didn’t want her thinking anything else. Being with Raine and Mel, and having them in my life, was the best thing for me. They were the best thing about me. I couldn’t imagine my life without them.
She nodded. “I’m glad. Now, I’d like to circle back around. How often do you weigh yourself?”
“Daily.” But a lot of people did that.
“More than once a day?”
I pursed my lips. Some people probably did that too. “Yeah. Sometimes.”
“How do you feel when the scale shows a number different than what you expect it to?”
I didn’t want to tell her, but maybe she’d have some advice to give me or something. “It’s bad. Like really bad.”
Sarah tilted her head to the side as she seemed to be considering what I’d said. “Can you tell me more about this bad feeling? What do you think of yourself when you feel like that?” She was back to sounding clinical.
I twisted my hands together a little. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. “Can we stop?”
“Yes, we can. But I want you to consider what stopping means as well. Food is simply nutrients, some is good for you, some is less good, but there is no truly bad food out there. Even a cheeseburger with everything on it still provides some good for your body and your body needs that good in it.”
I heard what she was saying. I didn’t want to but I did. “Does my mom know you’re in here? Isn’t there some kind of rule or something about talking to me without her here?”
Despite how defensive I was getting, and even though I was starting to be bitchy, Sarah didn’t seem annoyed with me. “I actually did speak to her, yes. That’s standard in any underage cases, even though you’ll be eighteen in only a few weeks. And she agreed to let me come in here and talk to you. Amelia, what I’d like to see you do is start coming in to see someone in my office. It doesn’t have to be me, but just someone. We can do one-on-one therapy there, which I really think you’d benefit from. We also have group sessions, and we offer cooking classes as well. That’s all covered under your mom’s insurance. I think you can definitely come back from this, but it’s going to take some work. The great thing is that you’ve got a support system here already and your mom and your girlfriends are on board with you getting the help you need.”
She hadn’t spoken to my friends, so there was no way she knew that for sure, but maybe that they were there in the hospital with me was enough of a clue to her that they wanted me to get better. But my mom, I definitely didn’t believe her where my mom was concerned. “My mom wants me skinny and pretty, no matter what it takes.”
“Maybe she did before, but that’s not what she’s saying now. I’ve spoken to her, and she’s going to be in counseling as well. I believe that for both of you to have a healthy relationship going forward, you both have some things to work out, both together and apart. And she’s willing to put in the work. I hope that you are too.”
She took a breath. “Amelia, you’re almost an adult, and there are going to be some major choices you need to make here soon. One of those big ones is how you want to live your life and how you want to define your own happiness. That’s something only you can answer, but I think you’ll pick a good answer. I’m going to leave my card with you. It has my cell phone number on it as well as the number to the eating disorder clinic here at the hospital. Before you get discharged tomorrow, give us a call and make an appointment.”
She handed me her card, and I stared at it for a few seconds. “I don’t have an eating disorder.”
“Then what do you call it? How would you describe what led you to taking something that made you throw up so much that you became unconscious?”
It was a hard question, and I didn’t have an easy answer. Tears burned my eyes, and I wiped my free hand across my cheeks. My other hand was holding her card, despite how much I was shaking. “I just want to be pretty.”
Sarah gave me a sympathetic smile. “I understand that, and what we try to do at the clinic is show you a way that you can be happy with how you look on the outside and still be healthy on the inside. It’s about changing your relationship with food, and yourself, to find a balance that is healthy all the way around. If you’re not ready to think of what you’re going through as an eating disorder, then we won’t put a label on it. That’s not the most important thing right now. What is, is getting you in the clinic so we can work on getting you healthy again. Those girlfriends of yours probably want you around for a long, long time and you probably have your own plans for the future too. Don’t let what you’re going through right now get in the way of the future that you could have.”
She stood up, and I put her card on the table, along with my forgotten lunch. “You can give me a call at any time.”
“Thank you.” I waited until she was gone before I pulled out my phone and texted both Mel and Raine at once. Do you think I have an eating disorder?
Mel responded first. Yes. Now let’s kick its ass.
Raine wasn’t too far behind her. I do and I’d like to help you get through it.
I lay there on my side. I still wasn’t convinced that I had a real problem, but I did really love their support. I smiled at their texts through my tears. Love you two.
Love you, Raine texted back. Mel sent three hearts.
The next person I had to talk to wasn’t going to be nearly as easy as the two of them. Maybe that was because I loved my mom so much, but also because she’d hurt me too. If I really did have an eating disorder, then hadn’t she been a big part of it?
Can you come in my hospital room? I texted my mom. She wasn’t nearly as fast at responding as Raine and Mel had been, so I ate some more cantaloupe while I waited for her to get back to me.
It took a whole ten minutes, but what I got wasn’t a text, it was her coming into my hospital room. “What’s going on, sweetie? I was on my way into the hospital when you texted.”
I never knew what to expect with her. More often than not, she was mad at me for some reason, and that reason was usually that I had let her down in some way. I was definitely letting her down right now, what with being in the hospital. But this time she sounded like she loved me, a
nd I was sure she did. But I was confused. I felt like she was letting me down. It hurt me deeply to know that she was the one pushing me so hard about the dieting. I didn’t want to believe that I had an eating disorder, but if I did, a lot of it was Mom’s fault. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with that. She said she loved me, but then she also told me she wouldn’t want me around if I was fat. So did that mean she didn’t really love me after all? When I thought about love, I thought about Raine and how what I felt for her was unconditional. She was my best friend and I loved her. It was that simple. She was beautiful to me and she would be no matter what size she was.
Then there was Mel. She was fierce, and she took no crap from anyone. She was just as beautiful to me as Raine was, but it wasn’t the sizes of their waists or their percentages of body fat that made me blush when I thought about them. It was their smiles and the way we’d held each other our first night together. It had been perfect. Together we were perfect.
“Mom…,” I said and took a deep breath as I looked at her. I needed her, but I also needed the truth. “Would you still love me, no matter what size I was?”
It was such a simple question, and it should have had a simple answer, but when my mom hesitated, I knew better. When she kept hesitating, I started feeling sick. “Mom?”
“Well, sweetie, your weight is a complicated thing. People treat you differently when you’re skinny. You get more opportunities when you’re beautiful. The smaller you are, the more people will like you and want to be around you. That’s how the world is. Skinny people are happier. I want that for you.”
I’d heard that all from her before, only right then I didn’t feel happy being skinny. I wasn’t happy at all actually. Raine and Mel were right. So was my new doctor, Sarah. I really did need help. And maybe it had to start here. With me. And with my mom. “Mom, I can’t do this anymore. Whatever you want from me, whatever you need, I can’t be it. I’m not….” I tried to think of everything I wasn’t, everything I’d done for her, everything I’d given up in the name of being perfect and being thin. But there was just so much. I couldn’t be that person anymore. If it weren’t for Raine and Mel, I wouldn’t have anything happy in my life. Even the cheerleading squad was only fleeting, and when I thought about it after thinking about my eating problems, I wasn’t sure I needed it in my life.
“The doctors think I have an eating disorder. It’s hard to understand. I’m not sure I do, but I do know that I don’t feel good when I think about food, so maybe I do have one. Maybe I’ve had one for years. I want to get help to figure all of that out. And I can’t be like this with you while I’m doing that. I can’t journal my food, I can’t do my check-ins. I can’t be your daughter while I’m dealing with this. I want to see if I can stay with Raine for a little while.” It sounded like a drastic decision, even in my head, but I needed her to know I was serious. This wasn’t just about me wanting to be with Raine and Mel all the time. This was about what Sarah had said, about how I needed to get healthy, and I was starting to realize that my mom was part of the problem.
“That’s ridiculous,” she spit out, sounding and looking a lot more like the way she usually sounded these days. Then her expression changed, as if she were trying not to have that reaction. A dozen emotions played across her face. She sat down beside me and took my hand. Her tone was softer again. “Amelia, don’t leave me. Listen to me, not to that silly woman Sarah. She doesn’t know you. She doesn’t know how much you want to be popular.”
That wasn’t what I wanted, not anymore. I wanted to spend my days with Raine and Mel. I wanted to finish high school, get into a good college, and then I wanted to get a place with my girlfriends. I wanted good grades. I wanted a great job when I was done getting my degree, no matter what I wanted it to be in. I couldn’t see how any of that would have to do with me being popular or beautiful. So what had I been starving myself for really? I couldn’t help but think that thin people were more attractive, but was being attractive that special? I went back and forth with that. I figured I’d have to work through that with Sarah. But one of the answers that went through my mind was because my mom had told me to. I’d wanted to make her happy, so I’d done exactly what she’d said, and I’d tried to be good, but that had never seemed to be good enough at all.
“Why do you need me to be so thin? I’ve been miserable this whole time trying to be what you want me to be, and all I wanted was for it to be enough,” I whispered. “It’s never enough. Never.” I was sobbing by now.
She started crying. She squeezed my hand tightly in hers. “I didn’t know. Amelia, I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me that you were unhappy?”
“You told me I needed to be skinny, and when I was skinny enough, I was happy. But more often you say you wouldn’t want a fat daughter. If you don’t want a fat daughter living in your house, then what about a queer one?” I waited for her response.
“What… what… I’m not sure what that has to do with this,” she sputtered. She looked really confused, and for a second I was sorry that I had brought it up. But then, why not put it all out there?
“It’s as much to do with this as anything. It’s who I am. All of this is who I am, and I don’t know if you can understand that, or if you even want to try, but I can’t do this anymore. I’ve tried so hard to be perfect for you, and then I ended up here, with tubes in me and some woman telling me I have an eating disorder and need therapy.” To me it seemed like I’d fallen so far, and I needed to have it all stop. I couldn’t keep doing this. If I did, I would probably end up back in this hospital. Or maybe worse.
“I just want the best for you, Amelia. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.” She sniffled and wiped tears from her eyes. “I thought that if I pushed you harder, you’d find the happiness that has always eluded me. My parents ignored me. They never cared enough to show me how to be successful. I know this isn’t about me, but all I ever I wanted was for you to have the childhood I never did.” She picked up a tissue from the box on the table next to the bed and blew her nose. “I wanted you to experience the things I never got to. It looks like I screwed up. And I thought that if you were perfect and beautiful that no man would ever leave you the way I was left.”
I had no idea who she was talking about, but as selfish as it was, it didn’t matter to me. “I need you to go. Please give Sarah a chance. Please talk to her. I want to work this out, but I can’t be better with you around.”
“They’ll leave you. Men will leave you if you get fat. If you get old. They’ll leave you for someone younger and prettier. That’s what Jared did. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Don’t throw yourself away.” She was sobbing, and I had no idea what to say. Jared had been her second husband and a guy I’d never been close to. Had this really all been because of that? Had I nearly killed myself because my mom was afraid some guy wouldn’t love me anymore? I wanted to cry right along with her, but for all kinds of different reasons.
“No guy is going to leave me,” I said as firmly as I could.
She shook her head and reached for me, but I pulled my hand away before she could touch me again. “You don’t know that. They’ll lie. They’ll say they don’t care about the first five pounds, or the first ten, but then—”
“Mom! I’m a lesbian.”
That seemed to stop her cold. Her sobbing stopped. As did her babbling. “You’re….”
I nodded. “A lesbian. Mel and Raine? They’re my girlfriends. And you….” I didn’t even know what to say to her anymore. “I’m sorry for what you went through, but you putting that on me, expecting me to somehow fit your ideal? Please get help for this. I can’t be your daughter right now. Not while you’re working on that and I’m trying to get better. I really want you to go now. I need you to. I want to focus on being healthy, not thinner.” It was weird to say the words, but they felt right. I could be healthy and skinny too… probably, but for the first time in years, being skinny wasn’t the biggest thing in my life. It wasn’t the one th
ing I was always thinking about—at least I didn’t want it to be. Now I had better, more important things to fill my mind. Like getting through high school and falling for two girls that drove me nuts but also made me really happy.
“I can’t lose you.” She squeezed my hand. “I’m so sorry I pushed what I wanted for me onto you. I want to try to be a better mom. I’ll need help, though. God knows, look at this,” she said, opening her arms to indicate the hospital room. “My attempts so far haven’t been very good. I can’t promise to be perfect, but from now on, I’ll try harder. I’ll work on it. Whatever you want to do, whoever you want to be, I’ll try to be supportive. I’ll give you 100 percent. You’re my family, Amelia, my little girl.”
I wanted to believe my mom, but I didn’t think it could be that easy. Still, I was looking forward to seeing what would happen. It was a place to start, and with therapy, my mom’s support, and my two girlfriends, I thought I had a good chance at being healthy again and getting past my eating disorder.
I didn’t think I could live with her. And this wasn’t just an excuse to live with my girlfriend and her family either. “I know I’m not eighteen yet, but I’m close enough I don’t think it really matters one way or the other. Not unless you try to stop me. Mom, I’m still going to live with Raine for a little bit. While we both work through our issues. I need you to let me do that. When we’re both better, things will be good, but I need to go be there.”
“I don’t want you to leave me. Not you too.”
I hated to see her crying, but I couldn’t help her. I couldn’t help me and her at the same time. “I’m not leaving you. I’m getting better. Please go. I’ll get a ride home from Raine when I’m out of here. Please let me go so that I can get healthy too. Then when we’re both better, I can be your daughter again. But not like this.”
It took a long time for her to say something, and for that time I simply lay there staring at her, waiting to see if she was going to accept my decision or if she was going to try to stand in my way and keep me with her for her own selfish reasons.
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