by Faith Starr
“She’s asleep. I’m going to head downstairs to the gym.”
“Okay.”
My phone signaled a text. I dried my hands and retrieved my phone from my pocket. Logan texted that he and Trevor wanted to stop by to work on some music, since we couldn’t go to the studio.
“Who is it?” Dani nodded toward my phone.
“The guys want to come over and jam later.”
“Great. Should I make something for dinner, or do you want to order in?”
“Order in. I don’t want you to have to deal with the mess.”
She smiled sweetly. “You know how much I love to cook. Besides, it gives me something to do and helps occupy my mind.”
“Knock yourself out, then. But please wait for me to get back upstairs before you go to the market, if that’s what your plan is.”
“You got it.”
I responded to Logan, informing him of a suitable time for him and Trevor to come by.
Downstairs I engaged in a little cardio action and weights, relieved to find the gym empty. The daytime hours were usually the quietest because most of the residents in the building worked nine-to-five jobs.
My thoughts took over while I ran on the treadmill, all of them about one thing, or one person, and one person only: Teva.
My mind told me to stop rushing things with her. That the two of us hadn’t known each other long enough for me to make the type of commitment I’d agreed upon with her. My gut told me otherwise.
I thought about my parents. As much as I hated my father, he and my mother had married after only six weeks of dating. My mom loved to tell me and Dani how our dad was the love of her life. I certainly didn’t get it, being he turned out to be such an abusive asshole, but I couldn’t explain her feelings. They were hers and hers alone.
Back to my point, they’d decided to commit to each other early on in their relationship, and it worked for them. So why couldn’t one work for me and Teva?
There were lots of unanswered questions as far as her job, the band touring, and the inevitable distance that would invariably take place between us in a few short weeks when the guys and I hit the road again.
My feet pounded harder on the rubber beneath them as my thoughts cycled repeatedly through my mind.
I lost track of the time. I’d been on the treadmill for forty-five minutes, my body dripping in sweat. I felt physically and mentally spent. I proceeded to cool down before lifting free weights.
Upstairs, Dani sat on the couch, writing in her notebook. The notebook she always used when writing lyrics.
“What’re you working on?” I strode toward her, wiping the sweat off my neck and face with my towel. I wrapped it around my neck afterward.
“Some new lyrics. I wanna see what you can do with them.”
“Great. I can’t wait to read them. Let me go take a shower first, and I’m on it.”
“How long do you think Teva will be here?”
I wasn’t sure how to take her question. I hoped she didn’t feel uncomfortable having Teva in the apartment with us.
“Probably a day or two. Why, do you have an issue with it?”
“No, not at all. I’m just surprised you actually brought a woman here. It’s a first for you.”
Thank God Dani didn’t care about Teva’s presence in our place.
“To be honest, I am too.”
“I know I keep saying it, but she’s good for you.”
Her sentiment matched mine exactly.
“You see, I don’t know what to do with that.” I sat on the loveseat across from her. I knew I smelled anything but good, my main rationale for keeping my distance. Dani would have no qualms telling me if I stank.
She set her notebook and pen beside her on the couch, pulled her knees up, and sat cross-legged, facing me. “What do you mean you don’t know what to do with it?”
Good question. “I’ve never really done this with a woman before. It’s new to me, and I’m not sure I know what to do.” I’d never admit these words to another living soul. Merely saying them aloud made me feel like a complete pussy.
“Whatever you’re doing is obviously working. It’s always scary trying something new. Not that I’m one to talk. I don’t have experience with relationships either. At least you’ve been around the block enough times for the both of us. I’ve got nothing.”
Her words painted an ugly portrait of my past. But in essence, she spoke the truth. Before meeting Teva, the clubs provided me with plenty of good times. As far as groupies went, banging different women on a nightly basis got old. It had lost its thrill over time. All of them became one and the same after a while.
My heart ached for Dani. My father had royally fucked up her life and done a number on her. She refused to open up and give herself to a man. I had urged her on multiple occasions to date, going so far as to set her up with good guys I knew. But as soon as the men tried to get physical, she bolted.
“Either way, we both deserve to love and be loved.”
“Are you in love with her?”
Well, wasn’t that the question of the century? In all truthfulness, what was love? Did the feelings I have for Teva represent it?
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I can tell you that when I’m with her, I don’t want to be anywhere else. And when I’m not with her, all I do is think about her. And the fact she’s lying in my room in pain right now is crushing me inside. I don’t know if that’s love or not. What I do know is I feel strongly for her, and I’m scared as hell about it.”
She scooted toward the end of the couch, closer to me. She offered her hand for me to hold on to. “It sounds like love to me. Maybe this is the beginning for us.” Hope washed over her. I understood the feeling well. “Why don’t you go take a shower? You stink to high heavens, and I want to finish up with these lyrics. I think you’re going to flip out when you read them.”
She picked up her notebook and pen, and got back to business.
37
Teva
Holy crap! Joey and I had reciprocal feelings toward each other. My heart raced, and my body wanted to jump up and down for joy. That wasn’t happening anytime soon, though, because my ribs protested against the idea.
His footsteps signaled his approach, so I climbed back into the bed as quickly as possible in my current physical state. Try, slow motion.
Eavesdropping hadn’t been my intention. I was thirsty and wanted to refill my glass with water in the kitchen, but then I overheard him and Dani talking. She asked him if he loved me.
My goofy smile wouldn’t leave my face. I would have to try and play it off, so he wouldn’t know I had listened in on their conversation.
“Hey, you’re awake?”
He grinned upon seeing me. At least I had an excuse to mimic his gesture. Mine just happened to last a lot longer than his did.
“You look like you’re feeling better.”
If he only knew.
I nodded in agreement.
“How was your workout?” With his towel draped around his neck and his arms and chest pumped up from whatever he’d done downstairs in the gym, he had me all but foaming at the mouth. I couldn’t believe a guy as gorgeous as Joey, a man who could have any woman he wanted, regarded me with such care and tenderness in his eyes and possibly love in his heart.
“It was great.” He climbed onto the bed and devoured me with his eyes. “But I prefer the workouts we engage in much more.”
My thighs and everything in between revved up their engines.
“Why don’t you take a shower, and I’ll join you for another workout afterward, unless you’re too tired?”
My body hollered at me by reminding me of its pain after my mouth spit out the words.
By the bulge that suddenly cropped up in his shorts, tired wasn’t something Joey felt at the present time.
“I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”
Damn Joey for constantly thinking of me instead of himself!
“Fine. But tomorro
w we’re making up for lost time.”
He chuckled.
I sure hoped my head would be on board to follow through with my suggestion if I gave it more time to rest.
“I’ll be right out.”
He left for the bathroom.
While he showered I went ahead and got myself that refill. Dani sat on the couch, writing in a book.
“How’re you feeling, Teva?” She put the pen down.
“Much better after that nap. Hospitals are notorious for keeping patients awake.”
“I can only imagine. I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better. I’m giving you a heads-up. Logan and Trevor are coming by later for dinner and a jam session.”
I didn’t know how my head felt about that information, but I didn’t care, excited to see the guys practice, since I had missed out on the opportunity to go to the recording studio.
“You must get a lot of complaints from your neighbors,” I joked. Trevor and his drums?
She laughed. “We have a soundproof music room.”
My eyes lit up with elation. Joey hadn’t told me about that. “That’s so cool.”
“It is. If your head can take it, you can sit in there with us while the guys practice. It’s a lot of fun to watch them create music together and play.”
“It sounds like a blast.” The time had come to change up the energy in the room. “I wanted to say thank you again for opening your home to me. It means a lot. You and Joey have both been so welcoming and accepting of me.”
She smiled. “It means a lot to me to see how different my brother behaves when he’s around you. I’m glad it was you he fell for.”
Oh jeez, now I started crying. Joey and Dani were so sentimental. It was no wonder they had chart-topping hits. I wiped the tears from my eyes.
“That is beyond words nice of you to say.” My hand rested over my heart, choked up with emotion for some odd reason, everything hitting me all at once. She set her book down and climbed off the couch.
“Just keeping things real.” She put her arms around me and carefully brought me in for a hug.
“What the hell is going on out here?” Joey studied the two of us.
“I came to get a drink.” We separated. Dani winked at me. I strode into the kitchen to refill my glass.
“I’ll take one of those.” At first I thought he referred to a hug from me, but he pulled Dani in for a large bear hug instead. Cutest thing ever.
The two of them giggled in each other’s arms. How nice to see two siblings so close. Being an only child prevented me from ever experiencing something so profound.
After she released him, Joey approached me and hugged me with care.
Yummy. He smelled so clean and fresh. I felt like I could hold on to him forever. He made me feel so safe and secure. The thought of the name Feingold, with Fein spelled a little differently, minus the Gold, flashed through my mind again.
Dani had a big smile on her face when she went back to the couch and picked up her notebook and pen. I had no clue what she wrote about in that book of hers, but the contents must’ve been something special.
“I didn’t know you have a soundproof music room.” My mind remained fixated on that tidbit of information.
He led me and my glass of water back to his bedroom.
“I do. You’ll get to see it later when the guys come over. Think about it. We could be as loud as we want in there, and no one would ever know what we’re up to.” He had a mischievous gleam in his eyes. Mine probably matched his. “In here, not so much.”
He closed the bedroom door behind us. He jumped onto the bed and put his arm out for me to come and lie down next to him.
Without grace or elegance, I sat on the bed. He had to help me get into a reclining position. He shoved a few pillows behind me to make the task easier.
We sat in the quiet, him stroking my arm, my fingers playing with his.
Not much needed to be said. The connection we shared could be felt in the air around us.
38
Joey
I could hold her in my arms forever.
After the conversation Dani and I had engaged in in the living room about my feelings for Teva, I now had a clear answer about the question my sister had posed. There could be no other explanation for how my mind and body craved Teva, constantly wanting more.
She lifted her head off my shoulder and planted a soft kiss on my lips. She stared into my eyes, not saying a thing. She stroked my hair. I tilted my head into her hand because her touch felt like nothing I had ever experienced.
She took a deep breath. “Joey…”
“I know. I feel it too.”
She smiled, kissing me again, this time her tongue engaging mine. A gentle knock on the door broke our trance.
“Yeah?” I called.
Delicately, I lifted Teva off me. I climbed off the bed and went to the door. I opened it to find Dani standing in the hallway. She put her hand up in a gesture of, “Sorry if I interrupted anything.”
“I’m heading to the market. Did the guys say what time they’re coming over?”
“Between six and seven.”
“Great. Chicken and pasta it is. See you guys later. Oh, and here’s my notebook. If you get a chance, check out the lyrics.” She placed the book in my hand and off she went.
“I hope your sister doesn’t think we were doing anything in here.”
Teva behaved so prim and proper, all reserved and well-mannered in public but in the bedroom, a completely different person. I adored both sides of her. Actually, I adored all sides of her.
“I’m sure she knows we have an intimate relationship, baby. It’s okay.“ I chuckled and climbed back onto the bed next to her.
She gasped, pink spreading across her cheeks.
“I’ve been thinking about my job.”
Okay, our conversation was about to take a serious route. I could do that. “And what is it you’ve been thinking?”
“I’ve decided I want to look for a new one. I’m not exactly sure which direction I want to go in, but it’s definitely time for me to move on.”
“Any ideas or areas you’re interested in exploring?”
“That’s the hard part. Working with kids might be a possibility because they haven’t had as much time to let life’s challenges settle in. Adults I’ve worked with have suppressed their feelings for years. It’s difficult to break through their barriers. Some are never willing to allow anyone to do so. Not that kids don’t experience traumas and such, but maybe if I can help those in need when they’re young, it can prevent the aftermath of emotional dysfunction that usually follows during adult life, whether it be coping mechanisms of addiction, alcoholism, personality disorders, eating disorders, and such. This shit really messes with people’s minds.”
Sadness filled her eyes, probably a result of the trauma she herself had endured when her father took his life. I couldn’t imagine living through such a horrific ordeal. But then again, I had lived through my own private hell, so we had something in common. We had both dealt with major shit early on in life.
A part of me still believed Teva took responsibility for the poor choices her patients made, putting unrealistic expectations on herself, ones she could never fulfill.
“I’m sure you understand that if people want help, they’ll seek it. But if not, it won’t happen, and nothing you say or do will change their minds. People have to hit their own bottoms. I hate to be a buzzkill, but it’s the truth.”
She took my hand in hers, tucking her knee underneath her leg. “I know. For many years, I thought I could prevent others from giving up and save family members from going through the hell my mother and I did. Or should I say, the hell I went through because clearly my mother had moved on. Not that she didn’t feel loss when my dad passed, but by that time, she had already lost hope and given up on him.”
She let out a deep breath and peered down at our joined hands. My thumb instinctively began caressing the back of hers.
“Anyway, I now know I’m not that powerful. I have no control over others. I think I’ve finally come to the realization that I’ve been using my work as a method of trying to rid myself of the shame and guilt I still feel over my father killing himself. Like maybe stopping another person from doing so will help lessen my pain. But I’ve since learned that isn’t possible because if it was, I’d be free of my demons. My patients can’t free me. I have to free myself. And in order to effectively do that, I have to let go of the constant self-blame. No matter how many patients I help, it’ll never fix the broken part of my heart.”
She now broke mine. Fuck, talk about a heavy conversation.
I let go of her hand long enough to grab a tissue from the nightstand. I wiped her tears. She smiled and took the tissue from me. Her free hand went to mine again.
Her eyes opened wider. “My father made a choice, and I have to live with it.”
By this point I think she spoke out loud to hear herself rather than talk to me. I was no fucking therapist, but I had the feeling this was one of those “aha moments” Dani loved to speak about. Relief settled inside me as Teva continued to let it all out.
“It’s taken forever, but I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact I had nothing to do with my father’s suicide. Blaming myself has to stop. I also have to stop faulting my mother, even though I completely disagree with the decisions she made regarding Edgar, her boyfriend.” She eyeballed me while clarifying that last tidbit of information.
She paused. I sat quietly, giving her all the time in the world to process whatever it was that went through her mind that needed release.
“There are always two paths to go down. Sadly, my father chose the wrong one. But I don’t have to follow that same dark path in an effort to try and bring him back, because it won’t. He’s gone. He’s never coming back. It’s time for me to accept that and move forward.”
It became somewhat of a challenge to keep my own emotions in check while witnessing Teva’s breakthrough. It was a humbling experience, that she had entrusted me with such intimate and personal thoughts that had clearly troubled her for years.