by Amber Lacie
“My place, but don’t get any ideas. I just don’t like public displays, and if we’re going to hash things out it should be done privately. I live in the West Commons, off Fourteenth and Fulcrum Drive.”
Without so much as an okay, we headed towards my apartment. I didn’t know how to react to him. The first time I met him he was so sullen and serious. Nothing had really changed. The only difference was that I was aware of how alive my nerves were when he was close to me. I wanted to know what made him tick, why he left, and where he thought it was all going. I just hoped I was included in this mess somewhere. One night in a gazebo had me so fucked up in the head that I was willing to get stung over it again.
As we turned into the commons, I pointed out which apartment building was mine. “Just there, I’m on the third floor.”
Evan nodded his head as he pulled into the parking spot. “So, am I allowed in?” he finally asked.
“I wouldn’t have asked you to bring me here if you weren’t.” His jaw tightened and I could tell that he was trying to put on a mask. I wish he would let it fall, maybe then I could figure out what he wants with me.
Once we were settled into my apartment, I put on a pot of coffee. Normally, I would open a bottle of wine, but I didn’t want my thoughts to be diluted. I wanted to be aware of his every move. “Do you want a cup?”
“Sure. Make it black.”
I shivered in disgust at his request, but I did it anyway. I’m a sugar and cream kind of girl. The bitterness of black coffee is something I could never picture myself enjoying. Pouring us each a cup, I made sure to doctor mine up just the way I liked it before walking over to the blue sofa in the middle of my living room.
“You don’t have a television?”
“Um––I do, but I rarely sit in here. I’m more of a lounge in bed and binge-watch type of girl.”
“Who’s the girl with the eyebrows?” Evan asked, pointing to the picture sitting on the sofa table, under the window. It was a picture of a girl with solid black hair pulled into a bun.
Jyllyan always had to be perfect and that meant her eyebrows had to be perfect as well. Only problem was…she had a bit of trouble getting them just right. They always ended up looking like someone had put black electrical tape in the shape of an upside-down check mark above her eyes. I tried helping her once and she completely flew off the handle. After she was done smashing everything in a fit of anger, the only thing slightly resembling make-up was her compact. If it weren’t in a plastic case it would have ended up as pulverized powder. The girl was insane. In fact, people like her should come with a warning label: Prim and proper with a huge serving of lunatic. Will pay rent, on time, in increments of one-dollar bills only.
“That’s my roommate. She left this morning to go on vacation with her boyfriend. I’m working on getting a new one.” I handed him his mug and walked over to the fish tank by the window to put some space between us.
“Looking for a new one––boyfriend or roommate?”
“Roommate. Boys cause trouble.”
Smiling, he gave me a wink, “Sometimes trouble is fun.”
“And sometimes it hurts.” My heart was slamming against my ribcage, but I couldn’t decipher if it was from the anger or the excitement I had towards him. My hands twisted around my mug as I stood in front of the tank, refusing to look at him. My mother always hated when I fidgeted, but I was nervous. Everything felt so awkward.
“You have a nice place.”
“Thanks,” I quietly replied. Placing my mug down, I began to sprinkle the fish food into the tank as the fish slowly swam to the surface. For a second, I was jealous of them. They have such an easy life with no complications. All they have to do is swim. They don’t even have to worry about food because I provided it. I wish things were as easy for me. “Why did you come back? And I want a real reason.”
“When I was seventeen my mom died––”
To be honest, it was far from the response I expected, but I wanted to see where he was going with it, so I walked over and sat quietly on the sofa next to him. “Keep going.”
“When I was eighteen I joined the Army. When I was twenty-four I was promoted for the third time. When I was thirty-two, I was given an honorable discharge, and when I was thirty-eight I was hired by Isa to work security for her. You have to understand, I wasn’t in a good place before her. I wasn’t an addict or anything, but I had something dark inside me. I had been arrested and detained more times than I can count for losing my temper. She gave me a purpose and it calmed me.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Cause you need to know who I am. You also need to understand that I’m not one to give up.” He sighed as he ran his hands through his dark, peppered hair. The way his jaw ticked as he closed his dark eyes before opening them again, staring straight into me, left me breathless. I knew he was going to destroy me, but I couldn’t run away. I was anchored to him.
He turned slightly to face me. “The world is awful, Kayla. I can’t explain it, but I can tell you––you don’t want to see it through my eyes. People are constantly out to hurt one another. For a long time, I exploited it by taking advantage of their mistrust. I made money off of it, digging for secrets no one wanted found. Isa changed that. She saw me for me. Broken and pissed off…I hated everyone, except her. Then Theron came, and damn it if I didn’t end up loving him like a brother.”
He took a sip of his coffee, circling the top edge of the mug with his thumb. I honestly didn’t expect a full-on confession. I just wanted answers. I didn’t know what to say, so I leaned back against the cushions and listened him talk. He always seemed so big, so strong. This wasn’t the Evan I was used to seeing. He seemed fragile, breakable.
After a few moments he took a deep breath and continued. “Then came Eve. After her came you. I remember how fiery you were. You had no problem standing your ground. You were hurting at the same time Eve was, but you didn’t need to be rescued. You were so strong. Suddenly, everything went to shit and Isa left me.” Evan let out a sigh, as he aimlessly picked at the seam on the cushion beside him. The confident man who had picked me up from work and brought me here was long gone.
“I’m sorry you lost her,” I whispered sincerely.
“I don’t know what to say to that. I didn’t want to lose her. But I know that if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have felt that pain, which brought me to you. You know that feeling when your world is slammed upside down and everything is just fucked?”
“Yeah, I know it,” I admitted. I did know it. I had experienced it first-hand on more than one occasion.
“I don’t regret that night in the gazebo. When I heard you, I knew you felt that pain too. The next thing I knew I was holding you, trying to promise you the world. I didn’t want you to feel like that.”
Bullshit. If he didn’t want me to feel like that, he shouldn’t have walked over. Nothing should have happened between us. I took the moment to point out the obvious flaw in his speech. “And then you left me.”
“I’m an asshole. I can’t fix that.”
“And I’m just supposed to accept that?”
“No––and yes.”
My mother had told me a person’s eyes could get stuck in the back of their head by rolling them too hard for long periods of time. I never believed her, nor took her words for any worth until that moment. ‘No and yes’––what kind of bullshit answer is that? Once my eyes had completed their three hundred and sixty-degree rotation, I scoffed at his reply. “You can’t win me over with a pity party. That may have worked back then, but it won’t now. It’s been seven years, Evan.”
“I know, and I can’t erase you from my mind. Every thought leads back to you––to that night. You make everything better. I don’t hurt when I’m with you.”
Fuck me.
Speechless. No words seemed to fit what I wanted to say. To be honest, I didn’t even know what I wanted to say. “Evan, I—”
“Don’t say anything just yet.
I don’t talk to people like this, it’s not who I am, but I wanted you to see things from my side.”
“And then what? I would just feel bad for you and it would make everything okay?” Maybe I was jaded from everything I had been through, but I didn’t trust him.
“What do you want from me? What am I supposed to fucking do?” Loud frustration filled his voice. “Just tell me.”
Pissed. Angry. Hurt. Irate. He had no right to get upset with me. I wasn’t the one who left. So many different feels erupted from me. “I don’t know…how about a phone call or a text. Hell, even an email over the last seven years would have been something to start with? You can’t just show up and expect me to run to you with open arms. You. Hurt. Me,” I said, making sure to enunciate every word.
“I know,” he said, looking shamed.
We both sat still. The anger in the room was so palpable wars could have been born from it.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said.
“You should be.”
“Well, I am.”
“Good.” I wasn’t going to budge. I wasn’t sure what I wanted from him, but an empty apology and excuses weren’t it.
“Kayla––” The deep timber of his voice brushed against my anger. Damn him. “Look at me. Please?”
My eyes betrayed me as I looked back up into his dark orbs, pulling me closer. “No one likes to hurt.”
“Come here,” he ordered, reaching for my hand and pulling me closer. I shook my head to say no, but my body was already moving. I once again found myself in his lap with my legs on either side of him. The light touch of his rough fingers brushing loose curls from my face prickled my skin. “You are so fucking gorgeous.” His whispered words melted a bit of the ice, before his lips found mine.
His hands pulled me tighter to him, lacing around my waist and gripping my ass. A moan slipped from my mouth to his, before my anger surfaced once again. Every time he touched me everything faded, including the way I felt after waking up without him. This time I wasn’t going to forget. Fisting my fingers in his hair, I yanked his head back. He let out a hiss as I made him aware of what was not going to happen.
“If you’re sorry, then show me,” I spat.
“I’m trying.”
“Not like this. Woo me.”
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. My dick is so hard I could bust concrete with it, and you want me to woo you?”
“Gah! You’re such an asshole,” I shouted, pushing myself from his grasp. Leaning over him I pressed my finger to his chest. “I get that it’s your thing––I see the way you are with people, but I’m not people. If you want me, then show me. Take me on a date.”
“Anywhere you want to go.”
“Not tonight either. I have to work tomorrow. We have plans Saturday, so you can take me out Friday night.”
Sighing, he wrapped a curl around his finger. “Friday is three days away. What if I die before then?”
“I suggest you figure out how to keep breathing.” Leaning in a little closer, I placed a soft kiss on his forehead. “A date, Evan, and you plan it. I want to be surprised.”
“Baby, you’ll be the death of me, but if it’s a date you want, then it’s a date you’ll get.”
Smiling, I gave him another small kiss, but this time on his lips. Not willing to let things go any further I pulled away before the electricity could weld us back together. Walking over to the front door, I opened it and waved my hands towards it. “Time for you to go.”
A light chuckle fell from his lips as he stood, making his way to where I was standing. His broad, six-foot five frame towered over me. He was so close that I could smell the cologne on his skin and the mint still left on his breath.
As if realizing what I had said several minutes before, Evan asked, “Kayla, why did you say we have plans on Saturday?”
“Robert and Brix sent out itineraries for the wedding. We belong to them Saturday night.”
“Jesus. Who is this girl?”
“Bridezilla is what I like to call her.”
“That’s an understatement. As for this date you want me to take you on…I’ll be here at seven.” Leaning down he gently titled my chin up towards his lips. It was soft, gentle, and sweet. It was a side to him I wasn’t used to seeing. “Night, baby,” he whispered. And just like that Evan walked away, leaving me speechless.
Today was only Tuesday. Why did I think I could survive until Friday? This was going to be the longest week of my existence.
Kayla
B y Thursday afternoon I was regretting my decision to push my date with Evan off until Friday. My nerves were already a mess, and now I had to deal with Paul on top of it. I hate him. I also hate that I have to meet with him. Of course, my father doesn’t see a problem with any of it. When he found out Paul had lost his job, he offered him one. He chose Paul over me. It wouldn’t be the last time.
He’s never been one to truly listen to what I have to say. He hears only what he wants. A few days after Paul and I broke up, I had gone over to my parent’s house for dinner. My father was upset with me for not only wasting his time and money on engagement photos, but for making him look bad at the firm. He had put his name on the line when hiring Paul and now his own daughter had slung his name through the mud.
That’s not the way I saw it at all but unfortunately, that’s how my father saw it. In a few short months I will be thirty-six and I have yet to meet the standards my father had set for me. In his words, I was ‘a slut with no real ambition or consideration for others’. Who tells that to their daughter when she’s crying on your sofa, trying to explain why her heart is broken? What made it even worse was when I turned to my mom for support she acted like she cared, and sometimes I think she might have, but my father was the ruling hand in their relationship. She wouldn’t dare go against what he said. His word was final.
Thankfully, I had arrived at the restaurant a few minutes early. This guaranteed me the choice of table, as well as allowed me a few minutes to prepare myself. After seven years you would think I would be able to stand on my own two feet and say no to these meetings, but I had never been able to stand up to my father. He was helping me out by letting me do outside contract work for him. He didn’t need me. Any clerk in his firm could do it, but he knew I could use the money. It was also his way of keeping me under his thumb.
And here I sat, under his thumb, in a hard metal chair, waiting to meet my ex-fiancé so we could go over the new bids for a contract I had been working on for over a year. I was secretly wishing for a small bottle of Vodka to appear in my purse. I could have poured it into my drink before he got there, and he would have been none the wiser. However, the bottle didn’t exist––but Paul did.
The smug look upon his face as he walked towards me in his khaki blazer and dark blue jeans was his equivalent of resting bitch face. He always looked like he had something stuck up his ass. My eyes searched his hands looking for a briefcase, folder, or anything else, but his face was all that I could focus on. The pit of my stomach dropped through the floor, into the basement, and deep into the Earth’s crust, only stopping when it found a river of lava where it burnt up. Why are his hands empty? Where are the bids?
“Kayla, as always it’s a pleasure.” His voice slid over his serpent-like tongue. I knew he was up to something, but what specifically, I couldn’t pinpoint.
“Not for me. Where are the bids?” I snapped.
“I’m sorry, did Lucas not tell you? Your father found someone else to handle the contract. Someone who could be a little more…hands on.” I immediately imagined my father hiring an intern with an extremely short skirt to do the work he had hired me to do. It wouldn’t surprise me at all. It wasn’t the first time he had an affair. My mother only knew of one, but I could count at least four others.
Why do I do this to myself? I was a professional at being a glutton for punishment. Each time I would tell myself it would be the last time and yet, I would do it all again. “He failed to mentio
n it. I should go.” Standing, I grabbed my purse from the table and tossed a twenty on the table.
“So that’s it? You’re just going to run?”
“Run from what? You?”
“Did you find a date to your friend’s wedding yet? Your dad mentioned something about you going alone,” he asked, ignoring my previous question.
A high-pitched laugh escaped me. “And what––you think I would take you? I hate you. I loathe being in the same room as you. I came here solely for the bids. You don’t have them so I’m leaving. Please inform Lucas that I’m done. Not just with you, but with him. I deserve a better life than this.”
Fuck him.
I needed to break this pattern. Continuing to meet with Paul and working for my father wasn’t healthy. I’ve tried to walk away before, but he always sucked me back in with another job offer. This time it will be different. As I walked around the table to leave Paul grabbed my wrist, stopping me in my tracks.
“We were supposed to be something. When you decided to ruin our lives, you created this mess,” he accused.
Hot tears brimmed my eyelashes, “I didn’t ruin anything.”
“Yes, you did, and you know it. Our lives, our perfect family, you took it away from us. All I did was seek out what I lost. You can’t blame me for looking up other skirts when yours was broken.”
Most people see red when they snap or at least that’s how they describe it. I didn’t see red; I didn’t see anything. My mind calmed, my breathing steadied, and then suddenly everything around me seemed rushed––almost chaotic. I didn’t even realize what I had done until the waitress pulled me off of him.
When I finally crashed back to reality, he was lying on the floor, his chair upside down beside him, spewing mumbled curses at me while holding his face. Glancing down, I could see my knuckles were red from the blood dripping from his mouth. I had always had a way of standing up for others, but never myself, at least not until that moment. I don’t regret the decision I had made, I only wish I had focused on it, instead of blacking out.