“If you need more time off Joy, you let us know,” Ellen told her as the driver pulled her bag from the trunk.
“Thank you Ellen. This has been quite an experience,” she said reverently. “I wish I could have stayed longer to help.”
“You did fine. I appreciate you dropping everything and going with the rest. I hope your mother is better,” Ellen told her sincerely and with an uncharacteristic gesture she hugged the younger woman. “Just give us a call and let us know,” she reminded her.
“I will, and thank you,” she said gratefully. It had all been such an experience to help those people, to make and see an actual difference in their lives from what they had done as a team.
Ellen got back in the limo with Rae who waved madly at the younger woman and they sat back, holding hands.
“Well, we are almost home,” Ellen said with a sigh of relief.
“Oakley didn’t feel like home?”
Ellen shook her head. “No, it wouldn’t. Not after all these years.” She looked out the window as she thought about the past two weeks. Several people she had sued had come up to her to personally apologize for taking her mother’s and grandparent’s things. They were ashamed and to see her come in and help out the community like she had, humbled. She accepted their apologies but she moved on quickly, she rallied people to help each other out. Clearing houses one by one into large receptacles that would be picked over to recycle the wood and other things they could and the rest would be chopped into small pieces to be recycled or broken down and decomposed. Ellen was determined not to dwell on the past, but to move forward, and rebuild Oakley and the surrounding communities. She didn’t want the negativity of her youth to spill over into her life now and this was one of the only ways she could think to do it.
“I’m glad you think of the house we share as home,” Rae said quietly, squeezing Ellen’s had. She had seen the ghost of past memories pass over Ellen’s face; she knew that there still were painful memories.
“Are you happy?” Ellen turned to look at Rae, bringing the hand that had just squeezed hers up to her lips for a kiss.
“I am,” Rae assured her. Seeing Ellen take charge but back off when one of her team had a better idea or had already taken control of the situation was enlightening. She was the most amazing woman and Rae felt honored to know her.
Ellen smiled and leaned in to kiss her. She couldn’t seem to get enough of her. The past two weeks they had gone their separate ways to help out the community of Oakley, but met up every evening to share the campfires, and later to share their bodies. They couldn’t seem to get enough of each other, almost a honeymoon amongst the terrible devastation they had seen. They seemed to renew each other with their passion as they loved each other. Waking up the next mornings they were both eager and willing to help and start again. It had been amazing. Their present kiss turned passionate and then the limo slowed at their gate and they heard the driver announce, “Ms. Ellen Christenson and Ms. Rae Granger,” to the person manning the gate. They broke apart and smiled at each other, for a moment they had forgotten they were in the car with a driver as they concentrated on each other. Both sets of eyes held promises of ‘later.’
“Will you need anything else Ms. Christenson?” the driver asked as he put their bags on the top step of the porch.
“No that’s all,” Ellen said as she held out her hand for him to shake, in it was a discrete large denomination note. “Thank you,” she said as they shook hands and exchanged the note.
“No thank you,” he said with a salute to his cap as he quickly went down the stairs to his vehicle.
Ellen watched as the car left before she picked up the bags.
“I got it,” Rae said trying to take her own.
“No, I got it,” Ellen replied and watched as Rae quickly put the key in the front door. She loved these doors, they were overly tall, with large frosted windows in them, they led into a small atrium where another set of doors blocked the entrance. These too were overly tall and of deep woods that reminded her of the color of Rae’s Chestnut hair. She watched as Rae quickly entered the code to the security system and then unlocked these doors too. Leaving the second set of doors open, they locked the front ones and headed upstairs to unpack and wash up. Despite showering together frequently in the RV it wasn’t the same as being home and using their opulent bathroom together. The bath gave them both a good soak together and then the shower gave them the massage afterwards. They ended up in bed, asleep before their wet heads could hit the towel covered pillows, content to be together even if they didn’t make love that night.
CHAPTER TWENTY NINE
NEW IDEAS
“I would like you to head this up,” Ellen told Rae as they shared lunch in the company cafeteria. She had invited her girlfriend to Animated Studios for lunch to show her some of the animations they had ready for an upcoming film.
She’d loved the graphics, amazed they were drawings instead of real photographs. “They’re so real!” she exclaimed over and over.
“That’s the point,” Ellen pointed out, remembering Ryan’s dream and his prophecy, someday they might not need real actors and actresses in film. He’d been right about a lot of technology and she was sure he might be right about this, someday.
“I like my job,” Rae said in response to Ellen’s statement.
“You told me it was boring just a few weeks ago,” Ellen countered, using her spoon to gesture, nearly dripping yogurt on the table.
“Yes but it’s mine.”
“This could be too.”
“I work the hours I want, when I want.”
“You’d be in charge,” Ellen promised.
“Not if you are holding the purse strings.”
Ellen had to admit that was a draw back. “We’ll set it up as a tax deduction write off something with the pencil pushers. That way you would have a budget to work with and you can administer it like you see fit.”
Rae had to admit it sounded tempting. She’d taken her job so she wasn’t tied down to a desk. She worked on her computer for a few hours a day and got paid really well for what she did. She had to admit though, it wasn’t a challenge. What Ellen was proposing was an incredible challenge. “What about the red tape?”
“That’s where your expertise comes in. Look what you did in Oakley. Didn’t that feel great? Wasn’t it wonderful to just go in and get things done?”
“Yes it was, but we can’t write a blank check for some disasters. That’s what the government is for, that’s why the red tape.”
“Yes, but donations and such as this can fill in the cracks. You could have teams ready to fly out at a moment’s notice,” Ellen enthused remembering how great it had felt those weeks before in Oakley. Writing a check had made it easier but having the means to do it went a helluva long way.
“Can I think about it?” Rae hesitated.
“Of course,” Ellen stopped trying to convince her to take the job. Seeing how Rae had taken charge and done some things that she had forgotten had made her the perfect candidate for this job. “I just want someone in there that I can trust,” she finished with, reaching out to hold Rae’s hand.
Rae melted. Ellen was a wonderful girlfriend these days. Kind, thoughtful, and not at all demanding. This job offer was the first thing she had asked for in a long time. She was ready to say yes and then thought about the logistics of the position. “Ellen, I can’t afford to not get paid. Non-profits don’t pay well. I need to work!”
“Believe me, after Oakley I know there is a job there. You’ll work all right! I’ll support you until you get it where you think it should be,” she offered generously.
“You will NOT support me,” Rae said adamantly. Then to lighten the blow of her harsh words she added flippantly, “Not unless you marry me!” She immediately felt the frost in the air, Ellen’s hand that had been holding hers turned ice cold before she withdrew it in shock. “I was kidding,” she said lightly, trying the stem the hurt form Ellen’s withd
rawal.
“I know,” Ellen said in reply with a false little smile. “The job is real though and with the budget you can figure out how much you should earn as well as your crew,” she said, trying to change the subject away from the one that had caused her heart to beat hard in her chest. “But you think about it,” she said, reaching out with her hand to pat Rae’s again, an attempt to further remove the other subject. “Let me know.”
Rae knew she had committed a grievous faux paus. Ellen had made it clear long ago, the last time they dated that she never wanted to marry, never wanted kids. Didn’t want or need that kind of commitment. She knew it was best to pretend she had never said it, it would pass but she could tell that Ellen was a bit jittery about it. “I’ll let you know,” she said with an equally false smile as they tried to salvage the rest of their lunch together, pretending it hadn’t turned awkward.
* * * * *
“Thank you Dr. Keurig for seeing me once again,” Ellen greeted her after all this time.
“I was surprised to hear from you Ellen but pleased. How are you doing?” Nancy greeted her and gestured her to the familiar chair.
“I’m doing well. I got back a few weeks ago from Oakley,” she told her as she sat down, crossing her legs.
“I heard about that on the news, made quite a splash,” she said admiringly. She glanced at Ellen’s nylon clad legs and swallowed her ire over what would never be hers. She had wondered why out of the blue Ellen Christenson had called her. Unfortunately it was for a session, not a date. The disappointment was crushing but she knew better than to show it.
“Yeah well, I can’t do anything without it making the news,” Ellen replied modestly. It was true though, she had shamelessly used the television stations to make a point, the donations to help repair Oakley and the surrounding communities were still coming in.
“Were you okay going back to Oakley?” the doctor inside of the woman came out, worrying about her patient.
“I was fine. Rae went with me as well as a crew from Gigitech and Animated Studios. We kicked butt,” she smiled.
Not too thrilled to hear about Rae going but pleased for Ellen and her ability to go back to the scene of such a lifetime of abuse without it affecting her, Nancy smiled a genuine smile. “So you aren’t here about Oakley?” she asked delightedly surprised.
Ellen shook her head to the negative, her red hair brushing back and forth and catching the sunlight in Nancy’s office. Nancy caught her breath at the beauty of the moment and nearly missed what Ellen had to say. “No, I think I may be Anuptaphobic,” she said succinctly.
“Anupta…” she said wonderingly, her brain not quite catching it as she was bemused.
“You know, a fear of marrying the wrong person?” Ellen said exasperatedly. “I have the right word don’t I?” she asked, now feeling like a fool.
“Yes, yes of course,” Nancy covered realizing what she had done. The view of Ellen had distracted her and her patient’s lightening swift mind had caught her out. “Why do you think you have this fear?” she asked, trying to become professional again. “Are you planning on marrying?”
“Well, the other day Rae said something and I froze inside. I think she sensed it,” she said looking down at her hands; her leg began to bounce where it crossed over the other one.
“Did she propose that the two of you get married?” she swallowed her disappointment. The relationship had gone on much longer than any of Ellen’s other ones and her hope that they would break up like all the others was gone.
“No, not really but the subject came up,” Ellen’s hand wiped across her forehead and eyes. “The shock of it though nearly had my heart in my throat. I think I hurt Rae’s feelings at my reaction though.”
“What did you do?” She was curious now and cocked her head sideways a little.
“I just froze,” she said remembering the moment. “She turned it into a joke but I know I hurt her,” she sighed deeply.
“Do you not want to marry her?” Her own heart was pounding in hope.
Rae stood up and started to pace. “I don’t know,” she said in an exasperated voice her hands gesturing outwards in helplessness.
“Do you love her?” she asked quietly, watching the redhead come a little undone.
“Gawd yes,” she said with conviction.
The tiny bit of hope that had begun in Dr. Keurig’s thoughts died a harsh death. “But you don’t want to marry her?” she tried to be professional.
“I love her but I used to say that I never wanted to perpetuate my family. You know what they were like,” she said harshly.
“Yes, but you aren’t your family. Both your parents weren’t like…” she pointed out.
“Yes, but his blood flows in my veins,” she pointed out in return, almost like a sparring match as they spat it out back and forth.
“You don’t have to have the baby,” she returned, trying to maintain a doctor-patient relationship instead of friend who wanted more than the other friend was willing to give.
“I know that, but if she wants marriage, she is going to want children,” she said in anguish, looking terribly sad.
“Do you want to break up with her so she can find someone who wants all that?” the friend asked, not the doctor, hopefully.
“No I don’t want to break up with her!” she said emphatically. “I love her!”
Nancy looked at her sadly, puzzled as to why this woman affected her so. She didn’t want to care, but she did. As a professional though, she had to direct Ellen to find her own answers. “Do you not want children, ever?” she said softer, kindly.
Ellen thought back to the RV village and the children running about happily. They had nothing, their homes were gone. Their parents had salvaged what they could from their homes, but toys were not a priority. Watching how happy the children were with the little they had been a delight. Ellen had been an only child and wished as a child to have a sibling. Later she had been happy that no one else had to deal with her father and his abuse. Finding Ryan had been such a blessing, first he was her friend, second he was her brother of another mother. She had wished she could be straight occasionally just so that he and she could be a couple, but she knew that could never be. He had been destined to be her friend, her best friend. Now, with Ryan long gone, Rae was her best friend, her partner, her lover. She wanted to make her happy. “No, I guess I thought I didn’t, but I don’t mind children,” she admitted as she remembered the RV village. The kids had been fun, she had enjoyed them. They hadn’t been the problem that their parents felt they were.
“Then what really is the problem? You need to find a donor?” she asked with a small smile. She had already resigned herself to the fact that Ellen didn’t see her, she never would. She didn’t even know of her attraction.
“Actually, we already have a donor. Ryan left me some of his little guys in a cryobank in his will,” Ellen smiled in remembrance.
That was news to Nancy. She returned Ellen’s smile. She waited for her to continue; sometimes the silence had her patients finding their own answers.
Ellen sat back down, her agitation gone. “I love her,” she said wonderingly. “I don’t know why the word marriage scared me at all,” she continued. “It’s not like we don’t have the money to raise the children if she wants them.”
Nancy loved seeing her patients find their own answers, her help was minimal and yet they felt she did so much.
Ellen began to realize that being married to the woman she loved wouldn’t be such a bad thing. She wasn’t responsible for the genes that ran through her veins; she didn’t have to pass them on. Rae could have the babies, she realized she wanted children, not just a baby, but several, and she wanted them with Rae. The smile on her face was beautiful to see. “I do want Rae, I do want children,” she told her therapist.
Nancy smiled in return, she was resigned. Ellen Christenson would never be hers but she was glad she had helped Ellen realize what she wanted. “Looks like you had the answ
ers all along,” she said with that smile.
Ellen nodded. “I guess I did,” she agreed.
“So what are you going to do?” her heart felt like it was falling but she was resigned to finishing this.
“I think I’m going to propose to my girlfriend and make it something special!” she said with spirit, the excitement of the idea taking hold. She made a movement to get up and end the session. “Thank you Doctor Keurig,” she said emphatically.
“I think you can call me Nancy after all this time,” she laughed with Ellen and got up. Then Ellen surprised her with a hug.
“I can’t thank you enough for helping me discover my own thoughts and feelings,” she said emphatically.
“That’s what I’m here for,” Nancy said with a self-depreciating smile. She let her hands drop from the impromptu hug, feeling awkward.
Ellen let her go and said, “I think this time really is the last time. Thank you again…Nancy,” she told her and with one more smile she left.
“You are very welcome,” Nancy told her patient to her back as she left. As soon as the door closed she sat down sadly and thought about everything she had done wrong with this patient. She had done so much right though as she moved on from her past. This attraction though, this unprofessional attraction needed some therapy of its own. Nancy reached for her phone so she could call her own therapist.
* * * * *
“Ms. Christenson…Ellen,” she began. “I think the project has merit and I’d like to pursue it, a spin-off from the original division,” she said with spirit.
“Laurie…” Ellen began but was interrupted.
“Lauren,” the girl corrected her.
“My apologies, Lauren,” Ellen began again, remembering the spirited girl from the campfire at the RV village. She was a smart girl she recalled. “The monies were set aside for your team for storm chasing and the sensors and things, not for this,” she indicated the proposal the girl had brought to her.
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