by Lee Winter
Alison didn’t know if she was going to say, “I don’t kiss” or “I don’t know how.” Part of her didn’t want to know. Both were painful in their own way. She leaned in slowly, giving Natalya plenty of warning.
At the moment before contact, Natalya wrenched her head to one side, a fire flashing in her eyes. And just like that, it was like Requiem had entered the room. Natalya’s protector. A shiver slithered down Alison’s spine.
“You want me,” Natalya taunted softly, leaning in. “Lola wasn’t wrong about how you feel, either.”
“Is it so one-sided?”
“How many times do I have to tell you? I would destroy you. We’re a terrible idea. It would destroy your career if we were discovered. It would destroy my music, you trying to cage me.”
“Cage you? What on earth?”
“You would cage an animal of prey. They die inside cages.”
“I would never do that.”
Natalya gave a sharp laugh. “Your mundane suburban life is a cage. Don’t you even see that? You would dull my edge.”
“You didn’t answer my question. Is it so one-sided?”
“That’s what you want to know?” Natalya taunted. She scraped her fingernails lightly down the side of Alison’s face. “You have to believe I care too, or this, this feeling you have for someone like me feels self-destructive and pathetic.”
“I don’t…”
“Yes,” Natalya said. “You do. You’re afraid of what you feel. So you want to tame me. I can’t be tamed. You want to love me. I don’t do love. But you’re desperate to try. Because if you can only squeeze me into a little box, change me, then you can exhale because you’ll have cloaked me in the veneer of normal. Well, I don’t do normal.”
“But you…” Alison protested, “you’ve already changed.”
“Alison,” Natalya breathed against her ear softly, “you must understand by now that I’m not deserving of your feelings. I don’t feel as you do.”
Alison shook her head adamantly.
“Alison, I kill.” The word was stark. It was the first time she’d ever said it plainly, uncouched by clever metaphors or sly innuendo.
Looking into the eyes inches from her, Alison said unwaveringly: “I know.”
Natalya’s lips thinned into a line. “Not all of them are innocents,” she said harshly. “Requiem might think they’re all guilty. I know that’s a lie. I did kill innocents.”
“I know.”
“You know and yet you still want me?” Natalya hissed. “Do you know how that sounds?”
“Yes,” Alison gasped out, anguish rising in her chest. “Of course I fucking know how it sounds. You think I want to love someone who does what you do? Or did? You think I would choose this? Emotions aren’t rational.”
Natalya’s eyes narrowed. Alison sighed. It was clear she thought she was being judged. Natalya didn’t understand what this felt like at all.
It was absurd, wishing for a thing she knew she could never have and shouldn’t want. It was insanity what she was asking for and they both knew it. Forbidden. So very, disturbingly wrong. Besides, Natalya was moving overseas. This was the end for them. There could be no future in it.
And yet, still she wanted.
“But I don’t care,” Alison finally admitted, tears pricking her eyes.
“Alison,” Natalya said, and gripped her biceps, “Don’t you get it? I’m allergic to picket fences.”
Her gaze was intense, filled with fear and fury. Alison met it evenly.
“Don’t make Sonja’s mistake,” she continued and there was an edge of pleading that was all Natalya. “She looked up to me and followed me straight into Hell. It was such a damned waste.”
“I’m not Sonja,” Alison argued. “And I’m not stupid. I know all the reasons this is wrong.” She reached out, her fingers trailing up to Natalya’s neck. “Stay anyway?“ she asked quietly. “It doesn’t have to be about anything. No strings attached. A farewell. I’ll show you some of the things you’ve been missing.”
Natalya laughed, breaking the tension. “My little mouse, showing me the ways of the human body.”
“No,” Alison corrected gently. “I could show you what it feels like to make love. I think you might enjoy that.”
“No. I don’t think I would.”
Alison boldly placed her palm on Natalya’s breast, pressing against the nipple, rubbing. “Are you sure?” she asked, voice teasing.
“That’s not for me,” Natalya said firmly. “You know that.”
“You’re missing so much.” She dropped her hand.
“Perhaps. But I’m Lola’s monster with all that it entails. I’m too old to change now.”
“I hate her,” Alison said, feeling a burst of rage.
Natalya paused and sighed. “Me, too.”
“You also love her. I saw the way you looked when she mocked you at the Melbourne Cup. She clawed at your heart. My mother did that to me; I know how that feels. Lola did it just for fun. She actually laughed in your face at your anguish.”
“Yes, she did.” The pain in Natalya’s voice was almost palpable.
Alison lowered her voice until it was barely audible. “You also loved her as a woman.”
There was a sharp intake of breath.
“I saw that, too,” Alison whispered. “It gave me such hope. All those times you said you didn’t do love, yet…there was Lola. The way you looked at her.”
“She’s the exception to every rule. She’s why the rule exists. Why I don’t think of love now.”
“You and your rules. I thought we agreed they don’t apply to you.”
“Except for the immutable ones that can’t be denied. Laws so set in stone they can’t be overlooked. Lola is my zero, Alison. There will always be a part of me who cracks when I think of her. And a part of me who wishes I could try and overcome her hold over me—for other reasons.” She looked slowly up at Alison. “But I can’t.”
“Oh.”
“But despite that, we could never have been. For all our similarities, the differences would destroy us. You know that. I know you do.”
Alison’s gaze raked over Natalya’s body. “God, it’s insane. I still want you.”
“I can’t be who you want me to be.”
“That’s not fair. I’ve never asked you to change.”
“Every time you look at me, your eyes implore me not to be who I am. You don’t even know how much emotion you leak.”
Alison wanted to deny it. Nothing came out.
“Just one night then,” Alison whispered, appalled she sounded so beseeching. “To…to say goodbye. Since we’ll never meet again.”
Natalya glanced away, her gaze travelling around Alison’s apartment as she appeared to consider the request. Her expression was inscrutable when it settled back on Alison. “You want to know that badly? What it would be like? With me?”
More than anything, Alison wanted to shout. She didn’t answer immediately. The blush that rose up her cheeks answered for her.
Natalya’s fingers slid under her chin tilting her jaw up.
“Is that what you really want?” Natalya repeated, her gaze direct. Her lips curled. “There are no safe words when you’re with me. Do you understand?”
“Y-yes.” Alison’s voice was barely a whisper.
“Be careful what you wish for, little mouse.” Her expression openly mocked her now. It was gentle but it was there. Alison resented the hell out of it.
“I’m not a damned mouse,” Alison said with heat. “Not anymore. Can’t you see? I’m not that naïve woman you first met. Can’t you see me?”
Natalya shifted forward until she was inside her space, then took another three steps, forcing Alison back until she was pressed against the wall.
“Oh, I see,” she said. Natalya’s smile was dangerous. “Now then, last chance to change your mind and not have me be the one you compare all your future lovers to.”
Alison inhaled sharply. “Do you have to
be so arrogant?” she asked. “God, Natalya, don’t you ever feel anything without a bloody cello in your hands?”
“No,” Natalya replied, the backs of her fingers playing with a stray strand of Alison’s hair. “That’s weak. But I don’t object to giving you a farewell fuck to remember.”
Her eyes glittered and Alison’s stomach did a helpless flop and dropped through the floor.
* * *
Natalya slowly plucked every button from Alison’s clothing and slid her outer layer off her. Then she added Alison’s lacy white bra to the pile on the floor.
Alison’s breathing hitched as Natalya’s fingertips mapped the newly revealed skin, leaving goose bumps in their wake. When those tantalising fingers tracked across her erect nipples, Alison’s knees almost lost cohesion.
Natalya smiled knowingly and stepped back to study her.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. In Alison’s fevered fantasies, she had some modicum of power. This was, this was…oh god. This was nothing like she’d imagined.
“On the table,” Natalya ordered. She indicated a small round wooden table in the open-area kitchenette behind them.
Alison shifted onto it, her bare legs dangling. She leaned back, supported by her arms, topless, and wondered what Natalya would do next.
Natalya returned to the couch, which faced the table, and sat regally. She slowly undid her plait and combed her hair out with her fingers. Then, hair fanned and smoothed out, she sat back and raked her gaze over Alison.
“You know it’s hard to touch you from all the way over there,” Alison said.
“Yes,” Natalya purred. “It is.”
Their eyes locked and Alison’s heart beat picked up. She swallowed.
“Now then, let’s begin,” Natalya said.
“Begin?”
“Panties off.”
Alison caught her bottom lip with her teeth. She slipped her white panties down her legs until they dropped to the floor.
“Excellent. Let me see you.”
Alison spread her thighs a little, and caught sight of the moisture already gleaming at the tops of her legs. She was so ready it was embarrassing.
Natalya’s dark gaze contemplated her. “Touch yourself.”
“Aren’t you going to take off your clothes?” Alison asked uncertainly. “I mean I can’t just perform…”
“Don’t go inside. I’ll tell you when.”
Natalya smiled—the one with the sensuous edge that promised all manner of dark and naughty deeds. Oh dear God.
Alison nervously ran her fingers over herself, combing her neatly groomed hair and then rubbed her clit. She noted the slight colour in Natalya’s cheeks now; the flare of her nostrils, the shift in the way she sat.
“You like having me at a disadvantage,” Alison murmured. “Is this what turns you on? Power over me?” She arched into her touch now, and fiery tendrils began to spread out from her sex.
“Go inside,” Natalya responded, ignoring her question. “Fuck yourself for me.”
Alison parted her labia and slid two fingers inside. She leaned back against one arm as she spread her legs wider and set up a rhythm with her other hand. She tilted her head back and closed her eyes.
In her mind’s eye she could still see Natalya’s intense expression, memorising every detail, missing nothing. Alison’s nipples hardened and she withdrew her fingers to slip across her breasts, leaving slippery, slick trails.
Her eyes fluttered open. She gasped.
Natalya was now standing two feet from her, face implacable, but her eyes. Her eyes were dark with desire.
Natalya smirked and lowered herself to her knees before her. Alison could barely breathe from the sight in front of her.
“Oh Alison,” Natalya said, as she leaned in, her face so close to her sex that Alison could feel the dusting of her breath against fine hairs. “You think you even understand power? Let me show you power.”
She lay her hands against the tops of Alison’s thighs and pushed them wide apart until the strain burned up her inner thighs.
Natalya gazed for long moments at the intimate sight uncovered. Her warm hands shifted up and down along the thighs, massaging and pushing at the same time, urging them even wider.
Pain and pleasure warred with each other and Alison’s arousal built as she stared down at the sight of Natalya bowed before her. It was a deceptive sight. Coiled power and danger radiated from her.
“You like this, don’t you,” Natalya taunted. “Me on my knees before you?”
Alison shook her head, her eyes wide.
“Oh yes,” Natalya lowered her voice. “I think you like this very much. Control is intoxicating. And here you have the most powerful person you’ve ever met, on her knees before you, about to do your bidding. You’re a mess, aren’t you? And I haven’t even touched your cunt.”
A shudder ran up Alison at her words. Jesus. Natalya blew against Alison’s folds and she couldn’t silence a moan.
“You want me to taste you,” Natalya told her. “You want my tongue plundering you. You want me owning you. Fucking you until you can’t walk. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
Alison’s clit twitched and she groaned again. Natalya’s half smile told her she’d seen it, too.
“What if I didn’t,” Natalya asked. “What if didn’t touch you at all? Didn’t taste you? What if I went back to sitting over there and watched you come undone in front of me. And I just sat there and did nothing. Nothing but watch.”
“Oh god,” Alison moaned. “Oh no, no. Please.”
“Please,” Natalya repeated in disdain. “What a tortured word that is. I hear it so often.”
Alison stiffened as she realised what context Natalya might hear it in. Natalya studied her reaction.
“Oh yes. You’re deciding now if it makes you a monster to be aroused by me.”
Her lips came even closer to Alison’s intimate flesh. “Does it make you a monster to want me? Is that what you’re thinking? Or maybe you’re too far gone to care? I wonder which it is?”
“You know how I feel,” Alison protested. “I don’t think you’re a monster. I don’t think you’re evil. I wouldn’t be here if I did.”
“No?” Natalya’s eyebrow lifted. “But still a part of you is screaming at you in the back of your mind. Demanding to know what the hell you think you’re doing here with me.”
Alison was startled at the truth of her words. Natalya smiled at her expression.
“But another part of you loves that I’m like no one you’ve ever met. No one else can have you this close to the edge from just the promise of what I might do to you.”
She leaned forward, extended her tongue and just dotted the tip of her clit. Alison’s entire body clenched in excitement.
“You see?” Natalya noted dispassionately. “I can possess you with just a word, just a breath.”
“Touch me,” Alison pleaded. “Touch me or I’ll explode.”
“You’ll explode anyway.”
Alison shot her a filthy look and was galled when she laughed.
“What did you expect from me?” she taunted, breathing in deeply. “Vanilla sex? The missionary position? Making love?”
“I expect you to stop playing me like your damned cello,” Alison bit back. “Stop with the games and take me!”
“And what if I said no? What if I just teased you for another hour? Two hours? Four? I have excellent stamina.”
“You wouldn’t dare,” Alison said in a growl so low, so furious that it took her aback. “You wouldn’t god damn dare.”
It was like a light switch flicking off. The mockery in Natalya’s eyes was instantly gone. In its place lay hunger, keen and sharp. Natalya narrowed her eyes.
Alison smiled, even as her body tightened with tension.
“Oh, and Natalya?” she drawled, copying the other woman’s mocking tone of earlier until Natalya’s dark questioning gaze met Alison’s, “I didn’t ask you to be gentle.”
N
atalya immediately jerked her thighs even wider apart. Her head ducked down and her tongue slid the length of Alison’s lower lips, then shifted higher to punish Alison’s clit in rough, demanding strokes.
By the time three of Natalya’s fingers plunged inside her, half-moon crescents of her other hand biting into her thigh, Alison had forgotten her own name.
* * *
Fear was an interesting concept, Alison thought hazily as she flitted between consciousness and unconsciousness. She was naked. In her own bed, with no clear memory of how she got there. Natalya was still fully dressed, only her boots missing, and presently she was wearing sleek, black gloves.
Alison was nearing her fourth orgasm for the evening, fucking herself without shyness. Alison’s soaking fingers slipped in and out and Natalya licked her lips.
She certainly did like to watch.
But right now…right now she apparently also liked to invoke fear.
A part of Alison knew, as the first stroke of leather glove touched her skin, that she should be terrified. Natalya’s hand lifted higher and higher before settling on the base of her throat.
Yet Alison’s body was unafraid. Her nipples were hard as chalk. Her sex clenched and unclenched. Her breath came in short, sharp gasps as she feverishly stroked herself.
Natalya’s gloved fingers circled her throat, so gently as if she were a most delicate thing. Her index finger stroked the flesh, sliding up and down the vulnerable skin, the threat clearly implied.
“Are you getting off on this?” Alison asked, shivering under the flitting touch of leather. “Playing games? Control and desire?”
“You think this is about me?” Natalya’s burning gaze shifted to meet Alison’s. “This is about you. It’s your fantasy I’m providing. This is what you like about me. How dangerous I am. How your mind plays over all the things I’m capable of. That’s what excites you most. I know. It’s in your eyes. In the way you tremble when I touch you like this.”
Alison shook her head, wanting to deny it, even as Natalya’s left hand stopped playing and suddenly pressed into her flesh.
Natalya’s thumb pushed into the side of Alison’s neck along with two fingers on the other side of her larynx. Then the thumb and index finger began to squeeze.