JK Rowling
Is A
Wizard
By
Alex C. McDonald
Copyright 2017
Alex C. McDonald
Disclaimer; This is a comedy/parody/satire fantasy. All characters and events in this book – even those based on real people – are entirely fictional.
This is a work of parody/satire and is not endorsed by JK Rowling or Warner Bros.
Dedicated to all HP fans, who just really want it all to be real!
Contents
Chapter 1 Becoming a Potterhead
Chapter 2A Muggles Life
Chapter 3HP The Return
Chapter 4Old Friends Stick Together
Chapter 5She’s A Witch
Chapter 6The Ultimate Fanboy
Chapter 7Home Sweet Home
Chapter 8A Chance Meeting of Wizarding Friends
Chapter 9Welcome Initiates
Chapter 10A Sudden Death
Chapter 11True Romance
Chapter 12Who’s My Mum?
Chapter 13Wake Up!
Chapter 14Learning Magic
Chapter 15Motherly Advice
Chapter 16Let The Crime Begin
Chapter 17A Plan For Revenge
Chapter 18Borrowing A Fortune
Chapter 19Changing The Deal
Chapter 20Winning
Chapter 21Schadenfreude
Chapter 22Where Your Loyalties Lie
Chapter 23Magic Takes The Problems Away
Chapter 24Initiation
Chapter 25Down A Dark Alley
Chapter 26It Is Time
Chapter 27The Chase
Chapter 28Downing Street
Chapter 29Wake Up Time
Chapter 30The Calm After The Storm
Chapter 31Moving On
A Message From the Author
Chapter 1
Becoming a Potterhead
My name is Sean Morris and I grew up in an English village called Hampsteadshire.
When I was eleven my mum dropped me off to the cinema to go and watch a movie that would change my life forever. It was ‘Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone’. I was meeting two friends of mine from school there. Well, I guess they were friends, we had kind of just become friends because no one else wanted to be friends with us.
The three of us weren’t particularly good at sport, so the sporty people weren’t keen on us and unfortunately, we weren’t particularly clever, so the smart kids didn’t care for our company either. Nor were we particularly badly behaved, so the naughty children didn’t really enjoy our company. In fact, we didn’t really like each other either and we didn’t actually share many interests.
There was Jasper Piggs. Overweight, wore glasses, and collected Pokémon cards, which I hate. He had greasy, curly, red hair that he was always scratching or he was constantly sucking on his asthma inhaler. He was quite annoying and would always try to get me to play Pokémon, sometimes I caved. He never stopped talking and would always act like he knew exactly what he was talking about, even if he didn’t.
“Ah, Sean, good to see ya. How about those Knicks?” Jasper would say.
“What Knicks?” I would reply.
“You know, it’s a saying, like ‘how are you?’” said Jasper.
“No, I don’t think it is, Jasp.”
“It is, look it up,” said Jasper.
“No, isn’t it an American basketball team?”
“What, no, but I guess it is an American saying. I would love to go and live in America one day, so I like to practice.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Yeah, get myself a nice beach house, a few cars and tons of hot chicks,” said Jasper.
The conversation would just go on and on like this for ages, him talking about himself. I mean, it annoys me more even now that I’m an adult thinking back to my eleven year old friend.
Then there was Beryl. Better suited for the 1930’s than 2001. She always wore long flower dresses, was quite overweight, had special prescribed shoes and suffered from hay fever all year round, and still had not yet learned to read. She sneezed on me countless times in class.
However, I was not any better. I cringe when I think about myself. I was a little taller than my other two ‘friends’, but I was also really lanky. I wore nice thick glasses and had a terrible dress sense. I always wore short sleeved shirts tucked into my shorts. I also loved trouser braces. You know the ones that loop around your shoulders to hold your pants up? If not, google it. I was obsessed with wearing them.
I was also an adopted child and juxtaposed to many fictional tales, my adopted parents were really, really loving, but they did have their weird quirks. They would get obsessed with certain fads. I once wore seven too small or too big, knitted jumpers in a week, I had to spend a month learning how to wait tables so they could have guests over for a culinary experience at home. We redecorated our home 14 times in the three months and on and on. They did love me though.
One particular fad that they never let go was their obsession with my adoption, or more poignantly is their obsession with the effect my adoption could have had on my mental state. They were completely open about my adoption from the moment I could talk. They said they wanted to let me know, so that I could come to terms with it and find love in them.
So, I would be read adoption books, read stories about adopted kids, make art expressing how I felt about being adopted, watch movies and documentaries about adoption. Also, we would have a weekly sharing session with both my mom and dad about how I felt about being adopted, where we would pass around a tattered black umbrella, which was the sole item my teenage biological mother had left with me at the hospital, before she gave me away on the day of my birth to an adoption agency. This was the only purpose for this tattered old umbrella, as it was completely useless in the rain as it had two holes in it.
My adopted parents insisted on having these talks right up until pretty much this day, which caused me to talk about adoption to people, even when others did not want to talk to me about it. Yeah, pretty annoying.
However, something was about to change our lives forever, something that would help us to forget about our really annoying habits and have something much better to talk about. Harry Potter.
As a diehard Potter fan or Potterhead, I hate to admit that I watched the movie before reading the book, but after the movie, I was hooked. The three of us watched it in stunned adoration. A boy kept down and treated cruelly, suddenly, being flung off to become a wizard at a magical school. Then to become the hero the school needed. All at just eleven years old. I desperately wanted to be him.
The three of us were instantly hooked and couldn’t wait to find out what would happen to Harry and his friends next. We immediately went out and convinced all of our parents to buy us the books, they couldn’t argue, I mean, their kids were keen to read. In particular, Beryl’s parents were over the moon that their daughter was suddenly showing an interest in reading.
At that point, I was really lucky as the fourth book had just come out, but I stayed loyal to the order and sat and read the first book first, even though I’d already seen the movie. To my surprise, I found the book even better. It pulled me in, made me actually feel part of the world, as if I was there at Hogwarts alongside Harry and all the amazing characters.
I then read the second. ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’, it was just as amazing. I never thought Harry could get into such another amazing adventure. I loved it, how the plot thickened and twisted. I couldn’t stop reading ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’. Harry unites with his loving godfather, Sirius Black. Next, I devoured ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’. When I finished, I was desperate to keep goi
ng, but there were no more books released. It had left me on a cliffhanger and I needed to know what to read next.
A similar thing had happened to Jasper. He too had quickly read the books and was completely and equally in love with them as I was. Beryl was struggling a bit, due to her lack of reading skills. So, she would come over my house and I would read the books out loud to her. However, she tried earnestly to read herself.
“What is this word?” Beryl would ask.
“Muggles,” I would reply.
“What are they again?”
“Non-wizarding folk or people who cannot do magic,” I would reply.
“Are we muggles?” said Beryl.
“I guess we are,” I said. I never forgot the look of disappointment on Beryl’s face when she realized she was not a wizard or witch. We, and all Potterheads, felt this pain.
However, things changed for Beryl for the better. Incredibly, the Harry Potter books did something and created something for her that she really needed. She began to love reading. She surprised her teachers with her sudden change in grades at school as she went from the bottom of her class, soaring right to the top as she began devouring books.
“I love reading,” Beryl would say.
“Great, Beryl,” I would say.
“But nothing is quite as good as Harry Potter,” said Beryl, as Jasper and I would grin in agreement.
Our friendship had changed. We were suddenly united by our current obsession for the Harry Potter series. We continued by buying any and all books about Harry Potter. We read ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them’ and ‘Quidditch Through the Ages’. We talked Harry Potter endlessly. We began calling each other by characters in the book, Jasper was Ron, Beryl, being a girl and with her new obsession with the library, was Hermione, and I was Harry.(Except my adopted parents were nice. Weird, but nice).
We dressed up as the main characters as often as possible. Except one Halloween when we all went as Professors from Hogwarts. I was Dumbledore.
Our parents all got a little worried, particularly as we got older. We didn’t care and rode the Harry Potter excitement train for years. We were at every new book launch, travelled to movie premieres and when the book series finished, we were okay, as we still had the movies to look forward to.
Just as the final movie, ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2’, was about to be released, something changed in me. I mean Harry Potter had been my sole purpose in life for ten years and I was 21. My parent’s had been pestering me for years to do something with my life. Beryl had left to study literature and Celtic studies at a university in Scotland, which left just me and Jasper for the past few years. We had decided to forgo university in favour of following our passion of Harry Potter. We had a dream, to create the most sought after Harry Potter fan page. We would sell merchandise as well, to create an income for ourselves.
We needed startup money though, to purchase stock and to help create the dynamic website we envisioned. So, where better to go to look for investors than a ‘Magical Creatures Fan Convention’. We spoke at our stand for ages, people were enthused at what we had in store. So much so, that several of them started handing over cash on the spot. We couldn’t believe it. We raised enough money in one night. Our dream was coming true! I took the money and wished Jasper farewell, as we headed to our separate homes.
But, on the way home from the Magical Creatures Convention, something dreadful happened.
“Look at this idiot, are you Harry Potter or something?” said a crude voice. Before I had a chance to respond a swinging foot thudded into my thigh. My knees buckled to the ground as more painful blows flew in. My face and stomach hurt. They reached into my pocket and took all of my money. I was robbed, beaten and mocked for wearing my Harry Potter costume. There were girls in the group too and I was shocked to see one of them was a girl I remembered from school. In fact, at one point I think I may have fancied her, she would have been a great Hermione, but then she kicked me in the face with her high heels.
“Where’s your magic now, Harry?” said one of the boys. They all laughed and ran off stealing all of my money that I had raised for my dream.
When I got home I called Jasper and told him I was pulling out of the website. He tried earnestly to console me, and to tell me that everything was going to be okay and that I shouldn’t give up. I didn’t listen as I was bruised, battered and broken. I felt so immature to be a 21 year old man obsessed with something stupid like Harry Potter.
By the next autumn I was attending college, studying finance. My parents breathed a sigh of relief and I never spoke to Jasper again.
Chapter 2
A Muggles Life
My name is Sean Morris and I am currently working in my first proper job in London, after uni, at ‘McKilson and Stanley Finances’ and I hate it. It is low pay, I am everyone’s lackey and most of all, I don’t know what I’m doing. I work with people who have high salaries and I hope I can pick up some of their ethic to make a road for me too. No, I don’t, but what else can I do?
“Sean, will you go and do some photocopying for me? Sean, will you get Mr. So-and-so on the phone? Sean do this, do that.” I hate it here.
When I’m at home, I have to share with a whole bunch of people trying to make it in London. There are seven of us in the house and people come and go. It’s the cheapest way to do it when you’re new to this city. Although ‘cheap’ is the operative word, its actually really bloody expensive.
Of course, I’ve changed a lot since my Harry Potter days. I got rid of my glasses and now wear contact lenses, go to the gym, no-longer wear braces, and wear nice suits that my parents bought for me on sale as an end of university gift. Plus, girls are beginning to get a little bit interested in me (I think), although I’m terribly intimidated by them.
“So, how do you think I should ask her?” I said to Gary, my colleague at work. He started at the same time as me and is the second lackey in the firm. We were sat eating lunch together in a sandwich café as we do most days and bemoan our awful jobs together. I didn’t particularly like Gary, but due to circumstance we both became work friends, due to the fact that no one else really enjoyed hanging out with the company lackeys.
“Why? Have you never asked a girl out before?” said Gary.
“Er, well,” I said.
“You haven’t? Have you?” said Gary, loudly.
“Shh, no I haven’t,” I said.
“What? I mean, how? You’re a pretty good looking chap, what happened?” said Gary.
“Look, nothing, nothing happened, I just haven’t,” I said.
“Come on, something must have?” said Gary.
“Look, I’d rather not talk about it,” I said.
“Why? What is it?” said Gary.
“I said I didn’t want to talk about it,” I said, not wanting to regale to Gary about my Harry Potter obsessive days and how girls weren’t taken by it.
“All right, all right, don’t get your fanny tied up,” said Gary.
“What?” I said.
“Okay, look don’t worry,” said Gary. “Just give her a call and ask her out for a drink. Who is she anyway?”
“Penny,” I said.
“What? From accounting?” said Gary.
“Yeah,” I said.
“I never thought of her, is she single?” said Gary.
“Yes, I checked her Facebook account and she lists herself as single,” I said.
“That’s a bit weird, Sean, that you checked her Facebook account,” said Gary.
“Yeah, I know, but it boosts my chances of her saying yes,” I said.
“So call her then,” said Gary.
“Right, yes, I will. After lunch,” I said.
“Oh for God’s sake, Sean. Grow a pair,” said Gary.
“I will, I will, straight after lunch,” I said. “I’ve got my mind on a few things right now.”
“Really? Like what?”
“Just business, about a merger I think might
be happening. You never know though it might be nothing,” I said.
“Come on, mate, what is it?” said Gary, leaning in closer to me.
Can I trust this guy? I mean, he’s kind of a knob to be honest. I’ve gone out and had a pint with him a few times and he always ends up pissing off somebody and embarrassing me, but then again we’re in this together right? Both lackeys going to rise up the ladder.
“Just one of my dad’s mates works for APL Pharmaceuticals and mentioned to him at a dinner last weekend that they might be merging with Merryl Linchmann.”
“Woah! That is big news,” said Gary.
“I know, but keep it quiet. I want to make sure I’ve got all the facts before I pitch it,” I said.
“You’ve got to let me in on this, mate. This kind of news could be a big seller to the executives at the company. Get us both into the top meetings,” said Gary.
“All right, all right. But keep it quiet, we’ll make the move when its right,” I said.
“Sure, sure, no problem. This is going to be great,” said Gary.
***
After lunch, I sat in my office cubicle mulling over the phone call I wanted to make to Penny. I looked at her extension, 934. I instantly though of platform 9 ¾ .
I said it in my head over and over again, 934, 934, 934. I wonder what advice Harry would have for me. Probably have some kind of romance charm that he stole from Snape’s potions cupboard.
I pressed the first button on my desk phone and then Gary came over and slapped me on the back. He was grinning widely or was it smugly? Not quite sure. My nerves were making me jittery.
“Hey, make that phone call to Penny yet?” taunted Gary.
“What? No, I mean, I was just about to,” I said.
“What? We’ve been back for twenty minutes! Mate, you gotta be quicker than that, she could be gone by now,” said Gary.
“Excuse me, Gary?” called someone from across the office. We both looked up and saw that it was Henry McKilson, one of the senior partners in the firm.
JK Rowling Is A Wizard Page 1