JK Rowling Is A Wizard

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JK Rowling Is A Wizard Page 14

by Alex C. McDonald


  “Fine,” said Merlin blowing out a huge plume of smoke. “It’s about this leadership path you are taking. You can’t remove the bitch of a sorceress who rules this country-”

  “You don’t know her, Merlin. You can’t call her that, not that I support her, but you can’t just lambast someone just because she is a woman,” I said.

  “Well, what do I call her then?” said Merlin.

  “The Prime Minister,” I said. “It doesn’t matter if the Prime Minister is a man, woman, or both. They’re still the Prime Minister.”

  “Both? What in God’s name is both?”

  “Look, that’s not the point, she’s the Prime Minister, okay?” I said.

  “Fine then, the Prime Minister,” said Merlin. “You can’t just remove the Prime Minister and place yourself in that position. Someone will notice. You need to be more subtle, be in the Prime Minister’s ear the way I was to Arthur. That’s why I wasn’t King Merlin, though I should have been. England would have been much better off that way.”

  “You mean I need to be one of the Prime Minister’s advisors?” I said.

  “No, not one of them, the advisor,” said Merlin.

  “But how? Do I apply for a job with her?” I said.

  “No, you use your magic, Sean, very, very covertly. No one must know that you have the Prime Minister’s ear, not any of her Lord’s. You see I wasn’t just Arthur’s advisor, I was all of the Knights of the Round table advisor too,” said Merlin. “If you make yourself known to early, no one will believe in the power of magic. But slowly, slowly bringing it the forefront will ease the panic of the public.”

  “So how long will this take before I can actually take power?” I said.

  “A number of years,” said Merlin.

  “Years? How many?”

  “That depends on how smartly you play it. You were very good in business, can you also do politics?” said Merlin.

  “I’ll try,” I said.

  “That is all,” said Merlin.

  “That’s it?”

  “Yes, you can go now,” said Merlin.

  “Oh, okay then,” I said and I got up and went to walk back into the forest. “Just one question?”

  “Yes?” said Merlin.

  “If you had such control of King Arthur and his knights, what happened with the whole Lancelot Guinevere love triangle?” I said.

  “Now see here,” said Merlin standing up and getting all uppity. “I had that kingdom running smoothly. I hear of some clans up in Scotland needing some help to solve some matters and when I return the whole damn kingdom is up in flames. Guinevere’s committed adultery, Lancelot’s ran off to France and Arthur’s been mortally wounded and is in Avalon needing healing,” said Merlin exasperated. “You see here, learn from my mistake. Once you go down this path, Sean, be careful not to leave as the people you leave in charge have not taken the path to magic yet, chaos will ensue.”

  “Well, actually the world is a lot more connected now. I could be in Australia and hear about problems in the UK,” I said.

  “What is Australia and what is the UK?” said Merlin.

  “Well the UK is the United Kingdom a sovereign state, made up of four countries England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland,” I said.

  “A union?” said Merlin.

  “Yes.”

  “I bet the Welsh are a pain?” said Merlin.

  “Well, no, not really. They all have their own powers, but work together in a way,” I said.

  “Pfft, sounds like there’d be constant war. I would have the King have archers at every border with cavalry at the ready,” said Merlin.

  “Look, never mind. Back to the point, I get it, be on top of the people who aren’t on a magical path,” I said.

  “Exactly,” said Merlin. “And women, be careful of them.”

  “Um, no, that’s okay. I’m quite comfortable with women being in power,” I said.

  “Are you sure?” said Merlin.

  “Yes, I’m sure.”

  “I wouldn’t be,” said Merlin.

  “I know you bloody wouldn’t be. We’ve only been talking for a short while and its one of the first things you said,” I said. “Anyway, goodbye.”

  “Oh, I’ve caught something!” said Merlin delighted as his rod arched to the stream. I shook my head and wandered off back into the forest, leaving the senile old idiot behind. If this was the initiation process then why did I get him? I wonder what magic goes into choosing your wizard ‘guardian angel’ so to speak. Was it telling me something?

  My thoughts went through the conversation over and over again, until I eventually stumbled upon the star Beryl had drawn on the ground. It was still perfectly in shape and had not been tampered with in any way. I stood in the middle of it. A gentle breeze rustle through the leaves, and it didn’t take long before the wind blew hard and strong again. A dust plume began to swirl around me taking the form of a human and then it became clearer and clearer until Beryl began to materialize in front of me. The wind then came to a dramatic halt and the forest trees stood incredibly still.

  “Beryl?” I said.

  “Sean, you’re back,” said Beryl.

  “Yeah, I guess I am,” I said.

  “You’re a wizard, Harry,” said Beryl nudging me in a bit of humour.

  “Yeah, I am,” I said.

  “So, who did you meet?”

  “Merlin.”

  “Merlin? As in the Merlin, like King Arthur’s Merlin?” said Beryl.

  “Yeah, the actual Merlin.”

  “What was he like?”

  “Well, he was a misogynistic prick actually.”

  Chapter 25

  Down a Dark Alley

  After the initiation ceremony, we packed up quickly and were back in London. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. The clean serene of the countryside was a stark contrast to the hustle and bustle of one of the busiest cities in the world. I knew though that my path was set.

  We were taking a couple of days to settle in before the final assault where we would descend on Downing Street and make the Prime Minister our puppet. Slowly, the game would be played, slowly getting the public used to the idea of magic being real. Before finally removing the Prime Minister and becoming the true rulers of Britain. Magic would solve all of the problems of the United Kingdom. Beryl and I knew we would create a beacon of light that would usher in a new age for humanity, the age of magic.

  Like I had become accustomed to, I went on my evening walk through the streets of the city. I saw an alley that could lead to a pub I quite like and thought I’d meander down it to cut time. There was a homeless man all cooped up on a dirty blanket, begging. I thought back to that night when Beryl and I robbed the convenient store and how we were on the brink of being homeless, so I threw him a couple of pounds. I didn’t think much of it and began whistling and spinning my umbrella around.

  “Why so happy?” said the homeless man as I walked away.

  “Don’t worry, life will change for the better for you soon too,” I said, chirpily. I had big plans that would eradicate Britain of poverty.

  “Nothing will change for me, I’m stuck at the bottom forever,” said the homeless man who opened a can of cheap beer and swigged it back. He stood up and looked at me. He looked rough. He was unshaven and dirty. “I know you.”

  “Do you?” I said stopping a little intrigued.

  “Do you not recognize me? Has a year been that cruel to me?” said the homeless man.

  “I’m sorry sir, but I really do not recognize you at all,” I said.

  “It’s me, Gary.”

  “Gary? What the hell happened to you?” I said.

  “You, you are what happened to me. My life was ruined, because of you,” said Gary.

  “What are you talking about?” I said, I began to feel a little panicked. “You’re the one, Gary, you stole the idea from me.”

  “Psst, that was just business. It happens all the time all around the world, people get screwe
d like that. But they move on, but not you. You took it personally didn’t you, plotted your revenge.”

  “Gary, you really need to get some help, look perhaps there’s some kind of charity that can help you or something.”

  Suddenly, he let out a blood-curdling scream and then he ran at me. I didn’t have time to think he dove towards me and pinned me against the wall, I could smell his wretched breath, as I dropped my umbrella. He held me tight and glared deep into my eyes.

  “You see Sean, I have seen you. I know you more than you think I do,” said Gary.

  “What are you talking about, Gary. Let go of me,” I said, trying to reach for my umbrella.

  “Oh, don’t you play the fool, you know what I mean,” said Gary. God, he smelled, I felt like vomiting at the body stench exuding from him.

  “I really, really don’t. Look just let go and maybe I can help you,” I said.

  “You can’t help me. You see Seany-boy two people came to see me, asked me some questions. Very interesting chaps. They called themselves wizards, Sean,” said Gary.

  “Did they? Bizarre,” I said. Oh dear, I think I know who those two wizards were.

  “Yeah, that beer over there that I’m drinking has nothing on what they did to me. Opened my mind they did to an amazing knowledge and I see what you are. You are a conjuring sorcerer!”

  “What? What are you talking about!” I said.

  “Don’t deny it, Sean Morris, I know it. No one believes me, I’ve told the police, written to ministers, tried to convince my family, but none of them believed me. They locked me up in a mental institution, put me on all kinds of therapy, but I broke out. I’ve been looking for you, for weeks. And here you come, just when I was giving up hope,” said Gary. “Right up my alley.”

  “Gary, let me go, listen I can help you. You’ve obviously gone down a bad path. Maybe I can help you get cleaned up, and perhaps I can get you a job at my company. A good one, well paid and everything,” I said. Gary loosened his grip and took a step back.

  “That’s very nice of you, Sean. You told me you were going to keep me out of the finance industry forever. You said you were going to make it your mission to ensure I never got hired again.”

  “We’ve both said things and done things Gary that were not fitting of decent gentlemen. But I’m willing to put it all behind us and offer you some help,” I said. “I mean you’ve clearly hit rock bottom.”

  “I have. But one of the blokes actually offered me more than just a job at your company, he offered me your entire company,” said Gary.

  “In exchange for what?” I said.

  “This,” said Gary holding up Darius’ piece of plumbing pipe. I had been carrying it around in my coat pocket ever since I had taken it from him, for safe keeping. I can now see that my coat pocket wasn’t exactly the best choice. I did however carefully lean down and pick up my umbrella, as Gary took a few steps back.

  “You don’t want to get messed up with this Gary, give me back the pipe,” I said.

  “Interesting thing this, you could pick one of these up at any hardware store. Wouldn’t cost much, but the bloke I spoke with was pretty adamant that you had a special piece of plumbing pipe, but now I’ve got it,” said Gary.

  “Gary, give that back,” I said, getting my umbrella ready to cast a spell.

  “Or what? You’ll turn me into a frog?” said Gary.

  “Something like that,” I said.

  “You know what, maybe you’re right, I don’t want get messed up with this sort of rubbish. My therapists all said I was delusional. Is that job offer still on the table?” said Gary.

  “It is, if you give me that plumbing pipe,” I said. I could see Gary was mulling it over in his mind for a minute. It was at that point that I could easily have cast a summoning spell and pulled that pipe right out of his hand. However, there was a prang of guilt and pity that I felt for seeing Gary like this. I must admit, I had completely forgotten about him and kind of figured that he would just move on, but hell, here he is, stinking and homeless.

  “Here,” said Gary leaning in to me to hand the pipe. I smiled and held out my hand. As I took it from him he quickly moved in closer to me and stabbed me right in the side of my stomach with a shiv knife he had been concealing. “How does that feel, Sean?”

  The pain wasn’t instant, until I touched it with my hand and saw the blood. I fell to my knees.

  “My God, I have been waiting a long time to do that. The guy told me that destroying my life and stealing all that money was just the beginning of your evil. He said you were going to do worse, maybe even try to take over the world, Nazi-style. But in some kind of sick-sorcerer way. Looks like I’m a hero, Sean. The guy that stopped the next Hitler, but no one will ever know. Oh well,” said Gary, he raised his arm up ready to plunge another blow to me. As the knife went into me again, I held my umbrella tight and yelled.

  “Dealanaich!” I said. Lightning shot out of the tip of my umbrella and plunged into Gary. His body lit up as he was electrocuted. It was only a couple of seconds, but he fell limp to the floor.

  I was getting a bad taste in my mouth; the pain was accelerating through my body. I did not know what to do. Was I going to die?

  “Help!” I managed to yell out with the little energy I had left that was escaping my body.

  “Are you all right?” said a voice down the street. I looked up and saw a young couple slowly coming towards me.

  “Call an ambulance, I’ve been stabbed.”

  Chapter 26

  It Is Time

  I woke up in a hospital with a big bandage wrapped around my stomach, where Gary had stabbed me. I was in a room all by myself, I was happy to see my umbrella perched in the corner, but I was dressed in a hospital robe. I noticed a policeman standing outside my room, which was a bit of a surprise. Regardless though, I was alive.

  When the ambulance arrived, the paramedics had sedated me. They must have taken me to the hospital and I’ve been operated on or something to patch me up. The door swung open, it was Beryl, my heart fluttered with love, though she did look a little frazzled. She was sipping down a takeaway coffee, as the policeman held the door open for her.

  “You’re awake,” said Beryl. The door closed behind her and she hugged me softly.

  “Yeah, I am. What’s going on?” I said.

  “Quite a bit actually. You’ve been in the operating theatre and had a blood transfusion, but the doctors say you’re good,” said Beryl.

  “Good, what’s up with the policeman?” I said.

  “Yeah, I was going to ask you the same thing. They’ve been questioning me,” said Beryl.

  “Questioning you? About what?” I said.

  “About you, about the killing,” said Beryl.

  “Killing? What killing?” I said.

  “The guy they found you with. He’s dead,” said Beryl. I couldn’t respond, I was in shock. Dead?

  “No, surely not,” I said grinning, hopefully.

  “Yes, Sean. He’s dead,” said Beryl.

  “That was Gary.”

  “Gary? You mean,” said Beryl pausing and looking around at the door to see if the policeman was listening, she then lowered her voice. “You mean the Gary we screwed in the big deal?”

  “Yeah, but why are we whispering?” I said.

  “Sean, I think the police are considering you as a murder suspect,” said Beryl.

  “Murder? Me? The guy stabbed me, twice!” I said.

  “Shh,” said Beryl. “Keep your voice down, I don’t know if they’re listening. I think I know what happened.”

  Beryl looked at my umbrella and then looked back at me. I nodded.

  “Pass me my umbrella,” I said. She grabbed my umbrella and passed it to me.

  “Sàmhchair,” I said whizzing my umbrella around the room. This spell I had seen in my father’s notebook when you wanted to have a conversation and for no one to hear it.

  “Everything okay to talk now?” said Beryl.

&n
bsp; “Yes, and we’ve got to get out of here,” I said.

  “What? Why?”

  “Our enemies are mounting. Gary had been sent, sent by Darius,” I said.

  “What? How do you know?” said Beryl.

  “He told me,” I said. “He’s offered Gary quite the deal.”

  “Well he’s not getting any of that now,” said Beryl. “What did you do to him?”

  “Well he stabbed me and then as he stabbed me a second time I managed to send a lightning spell at him,” I said.

  “You electrocuted him?”

  “Yep,” I said. “Didn’t mean to kill him. It was self-defence.”

  “I know that. But it’s certainly got the police baffled,” said Beryl.

  “Beryl, I can’t believe I killed him,” I said.

  “Don’t worry Sean, but you’re right we do need to get out of here,” said Beryl.

  “There’s more,” I said.

  “What?”

  “Gary took Darius’ magical object from me,” I said.

  “What do you mean? Did you have it on you?” said Beryl.

  “Well yeah, I’ve been carrying it around in my jacket pocket,” I said.

  “Sean, are you kidding me? Why didn’t you throw it away or something?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I thought an obligation to hold on to it, like some sort of wizard-code,” I said.

  “Sean, what are you, an idiot? Darius has been arrested trying to break into JK Rowling’s home and now has sent an assassin after you. You’ve got to be more aware,” said Beryl.

  “I know, I know. I messed up, all right, but it can’t happen again. We need to go to Downing Street, right away,” I said.

  “What, now?”

  “Yes, now. The longer we wait the longer Darius can plot against us,” I said.

  “Can you walk?” said Beryl.

  “I think so,” I said.

  Chapter 27

  The Chase

  It was easy to get out of the hospital. A few memory charms here and there and it took us right into the car park. I was hobbling a bit, but I could move. The surgeons had done a good job on me… I think?

 

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