If it had not begun to rain, it might have been much longer before she had any idea of what she was doing. The car window was half open, and when the moisture sprayed across her face, she awoke as though from a deep sleep.
Leslie brushed the dampness from her face with a shaking hand, wondering in awe why she had been heading in the direction she was going. It was rather frightening to realize that she had so blocked out all conscious thought that she could drive such a distance without being the least aware of it.
She took the next exit from the highway and was soon headed south again. She had to get a grip on herself and make a plan of action. But the one place she knew she could not go was back to the house.
By the time she crossed the bridge back into the city, she knew she had to go someplace where she could be totally alone, a place where she could be free to think.
She drove in the direction of Golden Gate Park, feeling the need for open spaces, a place to walk. She could not bear the idea of being hemmed in by walls.
Once in the park, she began to walk swiftly, as though the faster she went, the sooner she would escape the nightmare. Rod and Estelle wrapped in each other's arms. The pain came with stabbing intensity, but she refused to thrust it away. She faced it head on. Rod had invited her to meet him at his office for lunch for this one purpose—so that he could show her, rather than tell her, that he was through with their marriage. He had deliberately set her up this morning, pretending he wanted to make love to her when all the time he was planning to stage the little scene in his office so that he could hurt her in the worst way he could think of.
But why? her tortured mind cried. Why that particularly vindictive way? For some time now she had been bracing herself for the day he would tell her he wanted his freedom to return to Estelle, his first and only love, but why had he chosen just that manner of telling her? Did he hate her so much, and if so, why? Why? No answer came.
She walked endlessly throughout the afternoon, up hills, down dells, around draping ferns and lakes, past Monterey cypresses and pines, redwood trees and rhododendrons, and none of the beauty touched her senses. It was over—her marriage to Rod was over— and only pain and hopeless love remained.
Impending darkness drove her from the park at last. When she returned to her car, her body was exhausted and aching from the countless miles she had walked and she was drenched from head to foot, but still none of it affected her. There was only an emptiness, a horrible void inside her.
There was only one place to go now, and Leslie drove there like a homing pigeon. There was a welcoming light in the window as she climbed the stairs and knocked on the door.
It was opened almost immediately. "Patsy," she said wearily, "can I…"
Patsy reached out and pulled her unceremoniously into the room. "Get in here. Where in God's name have you been, Leslie? I've been worried sick about you. Rod has telephoned at least ten times." Now that Leslie was inside, Patsy had her first good look at her, and her green eyes widened with anxiety. "You're soaking. You must have been out in this rain for hours!"
"Yes, I suppose I have," Leslie said dully.
Patsy tugged her jacket off, and as Leslie turned toward the living room area, she saw Dave. He was standing by the sofa looking at her, and there was concern in his eyes, too.
Leslie halted. "I didn't know you had company, Pat. Give me my coat. I'll go…"
"You're staying right here," Patsy told her grimly. "Dave, would you go pour Leslie a cup of tea? I'm going to get her into a hot bath. Then we need to call Rod."
"No!" All color drained from Leslie's face and she swayed. "No! Promise me you won't tell him I'm here. I can't see him again, Pat. Not tonight! Not ever!"
"But, honey, Rod is worried to death about you. Why don't you call him yourself and…"
"No!" Leslie's voice was shrill and verging on hysteria.
"All right, Les," Pat said soothingly. "Whatever you say. Now come on and let's get you out of these wet clothes." She put an arm around Leslie's shoulders and led her toward the bathroom. "While you're undressing, I'll run your bath and get my robe for you. Dave, don't forget that tea," she called over her shoulder. "I'll be out to get it for her in just a minute."
In the bathroom Leslie's icy fingers fumbled with the buttons on her blouse, the zipper on her skirt, while Patsy ran the bath water. By now Leslie's teeth were chattering and Patsy frowned and swiftly left the room.
By the time she returned, Leslie was submerged in the soothing warm water. Patsy handed her the cup and nodded in satisfaction. "Your lips don't look quite so blue as they did. How're you feeling?"
"B-better." Leslie's teeth still chattered slightly and she gratefully took a sip of the scalding tea. "I'm sorry I'm being such a bother, Pat."
"Nonsense," Patsy said brusquely. She went to the door. "I'll be waiting in the living room when you're finished and then you can tell me what this is all about."
Leslie stayed in the bath for a long time, allowing the heat of the water to slowly relax tense muscles and aching limbs. When she climbed out at last, she no longer felt cold—there was only the awful numbness that no heat could ever dispel.
She wrapped herself in Patsy's thick green robe and then padded out into the living room. Patsy was there alone and she pointed to a bowl of soup on the coffee table.
"Eat," she ordered. "I'll bet you haven't had a bite all day."
Leslie sat down on the sofa and picked up the bowl. "Not since early this morning," she admitted. She sipped a spoonful of the rich broth, then glanced around curiously. "Where is Dave?"
Patsy shrugged. "I sent him home."
"I'm sorry," Leslie said contritely. "It's all my fault; I've ruined your evening."
"That's okay. There'll be others," Patsy said with confidence. "Right now, let's concentrate on you. Tell me what happened."
Leslie swallowed a few more spoonfuls of the soup, then set the bowl down and quietly told Patsy what had happened, starkly and without embellishment. "So you see," she ended wretchedly, "I can't go back, not ever."
"There are kisses and then there are kisses," Patsy said, "and I think you at least ought to allow Rod to explain."
Leslie shook her head. "That kiss was the explanation, Pat, don't you see? Rod staged it as a means of telling me that our marriage is over. It couldn't be plainer."
Deep in thought, Patsy chewed her lower lip. "You're in love with him, aren't you, Les?"
"Yes." The word sounded forlorn and Leslie closed her eyes for a moment.
"I'm sorry," Patsy said sympathetically. "The few times I saw you together, I could have sworn that Rod was in love with you, too."
Leslie laughed brittlely. "Rod is a wonderful actor." Patsy's left hand went up to brush a strand of hair away from her face, and as she did so Leslie stared in blank amazement. "Pat… you're engaged!"
Patsy's lovely face colored rosily and she lowered her hand and held it out, displaying the diamond ring that was there. "Yes," she said softly. "To Dave."
"But… why didn't you tell me?" Leslie exclaimed.
Patsy smiled. "It only became official last night. I was going to call you tonight to tell you, but then Rod phoned here trying to locate you, and when you arrived it hardly seemed the appropriate time to do it."
"I'm so happy for you," Leslie said with sincerity. "It must be the real thing if two hard-hearted singles like you and Dave plan to make a go of it."
"It is," Patsy said quietly.
"Have you set a date yet?"
Patsy chuckled. "Yes. Christmas. We called home last night to tell the folks and Mom asked why these California men are all in such a rush… a month's notice from both you and me!"
Leslie laughed. "I guess it was a shock, but I know she'll be pleased when she meets Dave."
"We're going to be married at home, Les," Patsy added softly.
Leslie's eyes widened. "Dad is going to marry you," she said wistfully.
Patsy nodded, her eyes serious now. "Will you
come, too, and be my matron of honor?"
If she went home so soon, and without Rod, she would have to face her parents with the news that their marriage had already failed. Leslie's heart quailed at the thought, and yet Patsy had been her dearest friend all her life and she knew she would have to do it. Slowly, she nodded. "Of course I will, Pat."
A short time later they prepared to go to bed. Leslie felt strange as she helped Patsy put sheets and blankets on the bed in the room she used to occupy. She had gone full circle and now she was back where she had started, but only as a temporary measure. Patsy had told her that after their wedding Dave would be moving into the apartment with her until they had time to find a place that suited them both.
Patsy fetched Leslie a nightgown and said, "You're going to have to get your clothes tomorrow, Les. You can hardly live in one outfit."
Leslie had been thinking about that herself and now she asked, "Would you go pick up my clothes for me, Pat? I simply can't face going back to that house. You could go in the morning after Rod has left for work and before you're due at the boutique. Tomorrow is Benny's day off. You won't have any trouble at all. Please?" Her eyes were pleading.
By ten the next morning, Leslie had her clothes. "You didn't have any trouble, did you?" she asked as Patsy dumped her bags in the middle of the living room floor.
"No, Rod was already gone like you said he would be, but I felt like a sneak all the same. Leslie, you're going to have to see the man sometime and…"
"No! I won't see him, Pat."
"Well, what are you going to do? You can't just hide here from now on."
Leslie lowered her head. "I know," she answered in a choked voice. "I'm going to need to see a divorce lawyer and look for a job and an apartment and…"
"Hey!" Patsy suddenly relented. "I didn't mean to be so hard on you. I just wanted you to see that you have to face up to him sometime. Look, today you just stay here and rest. Tomorrow is early enough to start dealing with all those other problems."
"All right," Leslie said dully. "Tomorrow."
"Good girl," Patsy said cheerfully. "Well, I'll be getting on to work. See you tonight."
Left alone in the heavy silence, Leslie felt disoriented. The apartment was no longer hers and it bore no stamp of her personality. Everything in it belonged to Patsy and Leslie seemed strangely out of place here.
I don't belong at home with my parents anymore, I don't belong here, and I certainly don't belong in Rod's house, she thought miserably. She had never been so lost or so alone before in her life.
It was an endless day, even though she tried to keep busy. She washed the breakfast dishes, vacuumed and dusted the living room, and scoured the bath, but those things hardly made a dent in the long hours. She felt listless and drained and lacked the energy necessary to dress and go out. She had tossed and turned almost all the night, tormented by visions of Rod with Estelle in his arms.
Twice during the day the telephone rang and Leslie jumped with fright each time. It was Rod. She knew it was him. He was calling to see if she was here. Leslie let the telephone go on ringing while she stared at it, every nerve in her body taut.
Why did Rod even want to speak to her now? she wondered bitterly. Was his conscience beginning to bother him so that he wanted to know that she was somewhere safe or did he wish to speak to her about divorce arrangements? Leslie was past caring. As far as she was concerned, after she had seen a lawyer he could deal with Rod for her, absolving her of any necessity of having to speak with him at all.
Late that afternoon, Leslie roused herself from the stupor she had fallen into and left the cushioned chair by the window. She was suddenly aware that the day was almost gone and that Patsy would be arriving home within an hour. It wouldn't do, she thought, for Patsy to find her still sitting here in nightgown and robe.
She took a quick bath and dressed in a pair of brown slacks and a beige silk blouse. Then she tackled her face, hiding her pallor beneath a layer of makeup. She added a dash of orange-tinted lip gloss, brushed her hair until it fell in smooth, dark waves across her shoulders, and then she went to the kitchen.
Leslie decided to prepare supper so that it would be ready and waiting when Patsy arrived. She was suddenly aware that she had not eaten a bite all day, and she felt rather light-headed because of it. She opened the refrigerator to find it practically bare. There was nothing there that could be assembled into anything remotely resembling a meal.
She frowned to herself and opened a cupboard, but she had no better luck there. Obviously, since she was now living alone, Patsy did not bother much with cooking.
She went to the living room and picked up her handbag. She would run down to the grocery store nearby and pick up something that could be made into a quick meal. She slung the shoulder strap of the bag across her shoulder and was headed for the door when there was a sudden pounding on it.
Leslie froze, terrified that it was Rod. She sucked in a deep breath and held it as the knock came again. If she stayed perfectly quiet, surely he would go away.
"Leslie, open up! It's Dave!"
Life returned to her limbs in a flood of relief and Leslie rushed to open the door. Dave, with his arms laden with brown grocery bags, strode inside and straight to the kitchen. Leslie closed the door behind him, still weak from fright, and followed slowly.
"Patsy isn't home yet," she told him.
"I know." Dave reached inside one of the bags and drew out a head of lettuce and a loaf of French bread. "I talked to her earlier and she's going to be about an hour late. I told her I'd pick up some food and have dinner ready when she got here."
"I was just heading for the grocery store myself when you knocked," Leslie said. She laid aside her purse and reached toward one of the bags. "Here, I'll give you a hand."
Together they unloaded the groceries and Dave displayed three enormous steaks. "I'll get them ready for the broiler," Leslie offered, reaching for the meat.
Dave jerked his hands back and shook his head. "Nothing doing. I'm the chef tonight and I cook a mean steak, I don't mind telling you."
Leslie grinned. "All right, chef, then what do you want me to do?"
"The wine! I forgot the wine. Now I ask you, how is my great meal going to taste without a bottle of wine to complement it?"
Leslie laughed at him. "Tell you what—I'll go buy the wine while you get the meal started."
"Would you?" Dave asked approvingly. "You're an angel, Leslie. If I wasn't so in love with Patsy, I'd still run away with you."
"Which reminds me," Leslie said with a smile, "I haven't had a chance to congratulate you yet. I'll say one thing for you, Dave. You've got good taste when it comes to picking a girl to marry."
Dave smiled, too, and nodded. "I know," he said. "Now, you run get the wine and I'll show you what good taste I have in choosing steaks as well."
Leslie picked up her purse and left the kitchen, singing out from the living room, "I won't be long." She reached the front door and pulled it open. And then she stopped and her heart lodged in her throat.
Rod stood before her, his arm upraised, about to knock on the door. The sight of him seemed to freeze Leslie's blood in her veins and he seemed almost as startled at seeing her as she was at seeing him.
Slowly, he lowered his arm, and for a long moment he simply stood there gazing at her. He was dressed neatly in a charcoal gray suit, but it was his face that held Leslie's attention. She had thought her own face pale earlier, but Rod's was completely colorless. She could see worry lines etched across his forehead and his eyes were a smoky blue beneath heavy lids. He could not, she thought vaguely as they stared at one another wordlessly, have gotten any more sleep last night than she had.
At last he spoke. "May I come in?" he asked quietly.
Leslie backed away from the doorway so that he could enter, and as he did he closed the door softly behind him. "How…" She licked her dry lips. "How did you know where to find me?" she managed to get out.
"Patsy c
alled me last night to tell me you were here with her, but she wouldn't let me come then. She said you were too upset to see me."
Leslie half-turned away from him. "I don't want to see you now," she said in a hard voice. "I can't imagine why you even bothered to come here."
"Can't you?" Rod's voice was raspy and he reached out and took her arm and jerked her around to face him. "I've come to talk to you, to explain about yesterday and…"
Sparks of anger flickered in Leslie's eyes and she pulled her arm free with violent intensity. "There's nothing to explain, Rod, now or ever. I got the message yesterday loud and clear. I'm not such a simpleton that I can't understand what I saw!" She turned away from him again and added in a muffled voice, "Now, get out! Please!"
This time Rod whirled her around to face him and put both hands firmly on her shoulders. His face was only inches from hers and his lips were hard, as though chiseled from marble. "You will listen to me, Leslie. There have been enough misunderstandings between us." His eyes bore into hers as though he was probing her very soul. "You thought that I had planned that scene with Estelle yesterday when I invited you to meet me for lunch, didn't you?" She stiffened beneath his hands, and when she didn't answer he gave her a rough shake. "Answer me, Leslie. That is what you thought, isn't it?"
For another moment she simply glared at him, hating him for coming here and confronting her with it like this, but then her resistance weakened and she closed her eyes and nodded mutely.
Rod's hands slid from her shoulders to run lightly down her arms. "It's not true," he said in a low, urgent voice. "I didn't know that Estelle was coming to my office yesterday and I did not kiss her. She kissed me. You've got to believe me, Leslie. Didn't I tell you long ago that we'd always be honest with each other? Well, I'm being honest now."
Leslie shook her head and opened her eyes to gaze directly into his. "I don't believe you," she stated flatly, "and I don't know why you're even bothering to tell me this. I know you've been seeing Estelle all along, so there's no point in trying to put a good face on what happened yesterday. I know you sent me away to Cincinnati so that you could be free to be with her, but all your secrecy has been entirely unnecessary, Rod. All you had to do was tell me that you no longer wanted me." She shrugged her shoulders. "We married only because you didn't want Estelle to think you were still waiting for her, but once you changed your mind about her, all you ever had to do was tell me so."
Shadow of Love Page 15