Afraid to appear too eager, she stopped herself from nodding a millisecond before the timer went off.
*
Pasta, bread, salad—a bachelor’s wonder meal—tasted better to Jaynie than she could ever remember. And if her stomach hadn’t been tied up in a knot she would have eaten more. He said the special tang of the sauce had something to do with balsamic vinegar. Feeling gullible, she bought his culinary boast, never once suspecting the sauce might have come out of a jar until she saw an empty one sitting on the counter.
She glanced into her pasta bowl. Well, at least the mushrooms looked fresh.
Filling her tummy with such delectable food, and her mind with naughty thoughts, he’d done a good job of convincing her that packaged tomato sauce was a gourmet delight.
He obviously enjoyed watching her eat, but behind his encouraging stare she could see traces of the same hesitation she’d seen at the hospital. Hints of sleepless shadows circled his eyes. She could tell he was as wrung out as she over their situation. What the heck was the next step?
Once again on the same wavelength, he opened up.
“When I was camping in your yard, I had made up my mind. I was certain I wanted to be with you and Tara.”
Jaynie stopped mid-chew, thinking she’d heard wrong.
He hesitated. “Then, after we almost lost Tara the other night, I knew my original decision to never have kids again was the right one.” Terrance stopped eating, held a piece of bread in his hand and tore it apart— along with Jaynie’s heart. “I just can’t handle the thought of losing someone I love again.” Unable to make eye contact, he said, “I’m sorry.”
The watered-down wine had acted like a truth serum on Jaynie. With a quick burst of anger, she fought back. “So it’s safer to never love or get attached rather than experience loss? What kind of chicken-hearted quality of life is that?”
He nodded, and sniffed with agreement.
“You risk your own life every time you go rock-climbing, and you don’t seem to care how it will affect your parents, or your sister—the people that love you the most. Oh, but if someone you love stumbles and falls, that’s not fair?” She raised her palms. “No offense, Terrance, but you sound like a coward.”
He popped the wad of bread into his mouth and chewed ruggedly. “Yeah, well, if the shoe fits…” Stirring uncomfortably in his chair, he reached for the Parmesan cheese. “I guess I’ll have to wear it.”
Jaynie thought about biting her tongue. But why not lay it all on the table? She might never have the chance again, and what did she have to lose? And what did he mean when he kept saying “again”? As if this wasn’t the first time he’d almost lost someone.
“You’re better than that, Terrance. I know it.”
He squinted, still not making eye contact, and pinched his lips before speaking. “You deserve better than me. That much I know.”
A wry laugh escaped her lips. “What a noble cop-out.” He sat straighter, finally looking at her, carefully considering her comment.
“There’s something else you need to know.”
Oh, God. What other bombshell could he drop? That’d he’d met and befriended another one of his sperm beneficiaries?
“I had a daughter named Emily once. Being Tara’s mom, you must know how much love I felt. I didn’t really want to be a dad at twenty-three, but I was willing to accept responsibility.” Water formed in his eyes. “She was incredible.” His lips quivered and he tensed them. Once he regained his composure, he continued. “I loved her like nothing else in my life before.” Tears brimmed. “And then, one day, she didn’t wake up.” He fought back the tears, but they fell anyway. “I wasn’t a dad anymore. Just like that.” He used the cuff of his hand to swipe away his sadness.
Jaynie wept silently.
“I didn’t know how to save Emily. And when Tara was slipping through my fingers and I couldn’t do anything about it…” Terrance stopped to catch his breath. He continued in a controlled voice. “It was like the same nightmare again. I couldn’t bear to go through it. What kind of father is that?”
Silence engulfed the room like a confessional booth. Jaynie’s heart wrenched with empathy for Terrance. Of course he’d never want to go through such sadness again.
“I had no idea. I’m so sorry, Terrance.” They grasped hands and clung tightly to each other.
But Tara was alive, dammit. And she deserved a relationship with her biological father.
She swallowed hard and steadied her voice.
“I discovered something in all the reading I’ve done this past week,” she said. “My baby needs a happy mother, and I’m not sure how happy I can be alone…now that I’ve found you.” She reached for his hand. He didn’t pull away.
“You opened a new world for me, too, Jaynie. You and Tara.” He squeezed against her firm grasp.
Fighting the desire to turn and run out the door, Jaynie shut her eyes and forced herself to continue. If she couldn’t have the ending she dreamed about for herself, at least she could be an advocate for what was best for her daughter. On a deep breath, she spoke her mind.
“You’re a man who likes to take risks. Well, I’d like to challenge you to the biggest adventure of your life. Be a father to your daughter.”
A pained look crossed his eyes. She didn’t give him a chance to respond.
“You don’t have to love me, or come around to see me, but for gosh sakes, be a father to Tara. All I’m asking is for you to check in with her on the important dates: her birthday, Father’s Day, Christmas, a couple of weeks in the summer. Is that too much to ask? You’re a wonderful person, and now that you’ve been outed as her dad, she deserves to know you. I promise not to get in your way.”
“You’d never be in my way, Jaynie.” He took her hand and pressed it to his mouth. “And you didn’t let me finish my thought.”
A ragged inhalation didn’t deliver enough oxygen to her brain. She hadn’t fathomed how hard it would be to speak her mind, and, feeling woozy, she squeezed his hand for support.
Clearing his throat, he said, “The thing is, after fighting with myself for the last few days, I don’t have any intention of leaving you. I can’t. I love you too much.”
What had he just said? A shot of adrenaline cleared her head. After a double take, she settled in to his sincere hazel stare. From the look in those eyes, he meant what he’d just said. Her heart skittered around her chest while she hyperventilated and tried to focus, realizing what he’d admitted and knowing it was for real.
“My sister—” he smirked “—in a not so subtle way, kicked my butt into rethinking my original decision. And Dr. Shrinivasan went to the wall for me.”
He kissed her fingers until she thought he’d eat her hands. Jaynie wanted to giggle, but was too breathless to utter a sound.
“I’ve worked it all out. I’ve been offered a free ride at Mercy Hospital University for med school. I won’t have to sell my house or leave the state. I’ll work a couple days a week to keep up my medical insurance for you and Tara.” A handsome smile stretched across his strong jaw and his eyes sparkled with delight. “And, if you don’t want to work full time, you can stay home with our daughter a few more days a week.”
Simultaneously, a giddy snicker of relief crossed their lips.
“That is, if you’ll consider my offer…”
At that, Jaynie gasped. He intercepted her hand before it could reach her mouth, and covered it with extra kisses.
“I’ve never been more scared about anything in my life,” he said. “But this rush of feelings I have about you and Tara is more exciting than skydiving, bungee-jumping and hang-gliding all put together. Now that I know what love is, I want to roll with it.”
Shaking her head in disbelief at the turn of events, she felt her chin quiver. She refused to let her feelings fog the opportunity of the moment. It was too important.
“But you only came to me because of Tara. If you hadn’t thought she was your daughter you’d nev
er have given me a second chance.” Holding on to his hands like an anchor in the storm, she clutched as best as she could, and smiled. “I’m no fool, Terrance.”
“I could never love a fool.” His penetrating eyes paralyzed her resistance. “It’s you that excites me.”
“More than white-water rapids?” she asked.
“More than snowboarding the Alps,” he said. “You’ve got it, and I want it all with you.”
For long, wondrous moments they gazed at each other in silence. Jaynie’s joyous heartbeat pulsed in her head.
“The thing is,” Terrance said, “I want Tara to have a happy mom, too. You’ve got to understand that, long before Tara, I had a big thing for you, Nurse Winchester. The way you strutted around that pulmonary ward with your fine figure and fancy uniforms about drove me crazy.”
Her cheeks grew hot and her eyes wide. This was what she’d longed—no, needed—to hear. “You did?”
He removed her glasses in a quick, yet delicate manner. “You can’t imagine how often I’ve fantasized about your big brown eyes and sexy mouth.” He traced the outline of her lips with a hot finger. “Remembering how it felt to kiss you.” His smile was wicked and playful. He traced her jaw upward, toward her ear.
Unable to resist, she leaned into his palm. “I had a few fantasies about you, too.”
“Before we ever dated, I used to schedule myself to work on your ward just so I could be near you,” he said. “I always wondered what it would be like to help you let your hair down.” His fingers weaved through her tight curls. “Man, even with my exceptional imagination, I had no idea how terrific it could really be.”
“Really?”
“Oh, yeah, really.”
Her heart fluttered out of control in her chest and his face grew blurry. She blinked to focus back in, and tried to swallow.
He bit his lower lip and then cleared his throat— again. “You’ve got to believe me when I tell you that I wanted you long before you ever got pregnant. I kicked myself from one end of the hospital to the other after we broke up. And I was on the verge of asking you out again when you first started showing and the word around the hospital came that you were pregnant. I figured you’d moved on—found someone else.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Ask Dave how bummed out I was about that. He’ll back me up.” He shook his head. “But what a great stroke of luck. You chose me from the list of all the other donors. Doesn’t that prove we were meant to be together?”
“It proves I had great taste when it came to picking genes.”
“You chose me,” he whispered. “I believe it was meant to be.”
A rush of emotion whirled in her head—he did have a good point. Something about his profile had called out to her from the start. And when she’d read his essay and seen that childhood picture, there hadn’t been a thread of doubt about who to choose. Her ears rang with excitement. Feeling suspended in time, Jaynie practically levitated on her chair. “You may be on to something.”
Terrance squirmed a little in his seat and looked into his lap. “What I’m trying to ask is…” His gaze lifted to her eyes. Sincerity delved into her soul. “Will you marry me?”
Relief and joy burst over the moment, sending all doubt into hiding. Love and hope replaced the fear that had had a stronghold on her heart only seconds before.
Without feeling her usual need to do research, or read two books on the subject of predestination and marriage first, she simply knew in her gut what to say. She beamed at Terrance—the man of her dreams—reeling with joy.
Finally finding her voice, Jaynie answered, “Oh, yes. Tara and I will marry you.”
They grinned like the fools in love they were, and laughed at the wondrous change of events. Her single-minded plan for motherhood had backfired. This was the day of all days for Jaynie, and she could never have predicted it.
She rode a swell of joy as if she was on a magic carpet ride, and at her side sat the man she loved with all of her heart and soul.
Unsure of how they’d got there, Jaynie and Terrance stood together, shaking, embracing and consoling each other with hugs. He took her face into his warm hands and gave her a special kiss of promise. She inhaled the earthy scent of the man she loved and relished the moment with a soft, moist vow of her own. Tightening her knees for support, she returned his kiss with every ounce of love stirring in her heart. And long, luscious moments later, when the kiss that pledged a lifetime together came to an end, they exploded with laughter and joy.
Suddenly remembering Tara across the room in her baby seat, still and quiet, as if she knew something special was going on, Terrance flew to her side and swept her into his arms. He kissed her pudgy pink cheeks and brought the baby, like a gift, to Jaynie.
Again, they grinned at each other in delight, and cooed over the child they had made together as strangers. Long before they’d completely discovered each other and fallen in love they had created Tara with their genes. Now, sustained by love, the anonymous experiment of nine months before had become the chance of a lifetime for true happiness.
And, together, Jaynie, Terrance and Tara would finally be the family they were meant to be.
They looked on with wonder as Tara squirmed and fussed in Terrance’s arms. She twisted up her face and turned pink with effort and concentration, following up with a larger sound than either of them could ever have imagined. And when she had finished her display, Jaynie quickly realized something.
It was time for a diaper change.
EPILOGUE
Ten months later…
CHAOS couldn’t begin to describe what was going on at the Zanderson residence. Friends and relatives milled around the overpacked rooms, bumping shoulders and elbows, mumbling pardons and trying not to spill their celebration punch. Jaynie grinned at the sight. The smell of strawberry icing permeated the room. And at the center, in her highchair, sat Princess Tara, wearing a lopsided pink cone hat held in place by with a thin elastic strap under her chin. The sight clutched at Jaynie’s heart.
Tara dutifully held up one finger whenever anyone asked, “How old are you today?” And topped off her talent with a sticky four-tooth grin.
She’d never had another episode of apnea after that one close call ten months earlier. She’d grown healthy and robust, and was blossoming into a beautiful little girl, and Jaynie thanked God for that. She was petite for a one-year-old, and her shiny coral party dress seemed to swallow her up, but Tara didn’t mind at all. Loving being the center of everyone’s attention, she kicked her white patent leather Mary-Jane-clad feet and squealed with delight when Daddy brought the birthday cake toward her. A huge candle sat at the center, surrounded by sugar bunnies and puppies chasing each other’s tails around the number one.
“Da-Da. Kay?” Her hazel-green eyes sparkled and her plump hands shot to her hair, comprised of wispy honey-red ringlets.
Though only early April, the California sun glowed bright. Terrance wore a loud Hawaiian shirt with khaki shorts and sandals, and a grin broader than the international happy-face sign. “It’s your birthday cake, Peanut. How old are you today?”
Out popped Tara’s index finger, accompanied by yet another joyful peep. Her eyes widened and she palmed her cheeks, holding her mouth in an “oh” when everyone in the room began to sing the birthday song.
Through blurry eyes Jaynie watched her daughter beam and squirm with excitement. Joy, thick as the icing on the cake, filled her veins and burst into her heart. Her voice quavered through the anthem along with everyone else’s. Her mother stepped beside her and put her arm around her waist. They exchanged the special look only mothers understand.
Kim, decked out in red satin pedal-pushers and an off-the-shoulder top, snapped several pictures, while Tommy, her newly betrothed, ran the digital movie camera. It was hard to tell what gleamed more—the camera flash, or Kim’s huge engagement diamond.
Aunt Tara stood across the room with her six-month-old baby glued to he
r hip and her strapping husband by her side. Fidgeting, and eager to get in on the action, their son reached with both arms and screeched in protest when his mother held him tight in place. The picture of health and single-mindedness, the baby resisted his mother’s firm grasp.
The scene evoked so much emotion that the rush of blood made Jaynie feel lightheaded. She searched out and sat down in the nearest chair before the song ended.
“Yay!” Everyone cheered at the end, and Tara clapped her hands.
“Mo,” she said, demanding more singing.
Such a simple request couldn’t be denied. Terrance started the refrain again, and everyone else joined in. His eyes roamed the room until they found Jaynie. The grin on his face faded the tiniest bit when he saw her.
“Are you okay?” he mouthed, from across the room.
She nodded, clapped her hands and smiled back at him, pretending to sing at the top of her lungs.
Peanut was a daddy’s girl. The sun and the moon rose and set with his presence. And the adoration was mutual. Even though he worked tirelessly in medical school, he allowed for abundant time with his daughter. Jaynie loved their interaction, and only felt jealous of their special bond once in a while.
But not today.
Today she was glad to let Terrance run the show. She’d been feeling weak and nauseated all morning—heck, all week—and the smell of fresh frosting almost made her hurl earlier, when she’d been decorating the cake.
Her mother returned from the kitchen and handed Jaynie a glass of water, with a raised eyebrow and a worried look pasted on her face.
“Thanks,” Jaynie said. “I’m okay.” She was doing a poor job of convincing her mother everything was fine. But what a rotten time to come down with the flu—and it wasn’t even the right season.
An hour later, after every conceivable toddler gift had been torn open and put on display, the cake had been served and the leftover ice cream had melted on the paper plates, Terrance made his way over to his wife. Most of the guests had left. Aunt Tara entertained both babies on the living room floor.
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