But surely Mrs Van Dyke had no inkling that anything had happened between them. She hadn’t even seen them together. She couldn’t possibly know.
‘What kind of questions?’ she finally asked.
‘The kind of questions you’re skirting around about. Why exactly would a mother leave a baby on our doorstep? What reasons could she possibly have? And why this doorstep? Why not another?’
Carrie sat back in her chair. All the things that had been circling in her brain for the past few days. Even though they were in the background, she hadn’t really focused on them, or given them the attention they deserved. Looking after Abraham, and trying to decipher her emotions towards Daniel, had taken up all her time and energy.
It was time to sit back and take a deep breath. To look at things from a new angle, a new perspective.
‘I guess I need to take some time to think about this,’ she said quietly.
‘I guess you do.’
It was like being in the presence of an all-knowing seer. A person who knew what was happening but left you to find it out for yourself.
She stood up and walked over to pick up Abraham again. Just holding him close seemed to give her comfort. It was amazing how quickly she was becoming attached to this tiny person.
‘I’ll get Dan to bring your shopping up later.’
‘That’s perfect, Carrie.’ She gave a little nod of her head. ‘You’ve taken on a big job, and I commend you for it. But Abraham is someone else’s baby. It’s so easy to love them, and it’s so hard to let them go. You need to protect yourself. You need to look after your own heart.’
Carrie placed her hand across Abraham’s back. ‘I know that. I know that this won’t last. As soon as the snow clears, Abraham will go to Angel’s to be assessed. Social services already know about him. I’m sure they will already have somewhere for him to go.’
She nodded towards the television. The title for a new episode of Diagnosis Murder was just beginning to roll. ‘I’ll let you get back to your television.’ Had she really been up here for an hour? ‘Thank you for letting us visit, Mrs Van Dyke.’
‘No, thank you, Carrie. I hope I’ll be seeing you again soon.’
‘I hope so, too.’
She headed towards the door. Even before she opened it Abraham twitched in her arms as Mrs Van Dyke reached for the remote control and the sound boomed around the apartment again.
Carrie smiled as she closed the door behind her.
She lifted her head. It was as if her own doorway was beckoning from across the hall. She’d barely been in there for the past few days. Just twice for a shower, a change of clothes or to pick up some baking ingredients.
Last time she’d been in there Dan had kissed her.
After this morning that almost seemed like a lifetime ago.
She propped Abraham up on her shoulder. She knew exactly what she was going to do now. She wanted to leave Dan to sleep a little longer. Hopefully then he would be in the mood to talk.
In the meantime she and Abraham would have some quiet time together. It didn’t feel like a betrayal to have him in her arms any more. It just felt right. As if he belonged there.
But most importantly she had someone she wanted him to meet. Someone she wanted to talk to him about.
To let him know that there was room in her heart for everyone.
CHAPTER TEN
THREE HOURS LATER she was back downstairs. Abraham had slept for a few hours while she sat quietly and looked through the things in Ruby’s box.
It was the first time she’d ever managed to do it without breaking her heart. She was still sad, a few tears had still slid down her cheeks. But this time it hadn’t been so hard to put the things back in the box. It hadn’t felt as if her life was over. It hadn’t felt as if there was nothing to fight for any more.
And that wasn’t just because Abraham was in her arms. It was because she was beginning to feel different.
Daniel appeared in the doorway, his hair rumpled and sticking up in every direction but the right one. ‘Hey, how long did I sleep?’
She glanced at her watch. ‘We’ve been gone for four hours. We had to come back down because Abraham needed another bottle.’ She hesitated for a second. ‘We need some more supplies, and Mrs Van Dyke needs some things. How would you feel about leaving Abraham with her for a little while?’
He nodded and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. ‘I think that sounds like a plan.’
‘Are we almost out of nappies already?’
Dan looked over and nodded, staring into the bottom of the powdered-milk can. ‘We’re almost out of everything. I definitely need to buy some more coffee. It’s the only thing that keeps me awake. I’m usually never this tired.’
Carrie walked over to him, leaving Abraham to kick his legs freely on the towel for a few minutes. ‘You’re usually never looking after a baby. How do you do on night shifts?’
He gave her a rueful look. ‘The busy nights are fine. The quiet nights? I drink about six cups.’
‘Will Mr Meltzer have anything left?’
Dan shook his head. ‘No. We’ll need to go further afield. Do you have rain boots?’
‘Wellies? Sure I do.’
‘Then get them. Go and get changed and I’ll make a few calls to see where we can get some supplies. Are you okay walking a few blocks?’
‘Of course. Do you want me to take Abraham up to Mrs Van Dyke?’
He shook his head. ‘No, I’ll do it. You go and get changed.’
She should have known. Dan wanted to check on Mrs Van Dyke himself. He really was a good guy. So why was he so down on Abraham’s mother? It just didn’t fit with the rest of his demeanour.
Ten minutes later she was ready. Her pink wool coat, purple scarf and purple woolly hat pulled down over her ears. Her wellies firmly in place with her jeans tucked inside.
The nip of frost was still in the air as they stepped outside. Dan pushed a piece of paper into his pocket and held out his gloved hand towards her.
Carrie hesitated for just a second. There was nothing in this. He was being mannerly and making sure she didn’t fall over in the snow. This wasn’t about the kiss that they’d shared—not at all.
She put her hand in his. ‘How far do we need to go?’
The snow was deeper than she’d expected. Not quite deep enough to reach the tops of her wellies, but not too far off it. ‘A few blocks,’ he murmured.
It only took a few minutes for her to realise that trudging through the snow was harder work than she first thought. She could feel her cheeks flush and her breathing get harder. This was the most exercise she’d had in days. But there was something almost magical about being the first set of footprints in the clean, bright snow.
They walked for ten minutes before they came across their first snowman. He was built in the middle of the sidewalk at a peculiar angle. The hat had slipped and one of the stones that had been an eye had fallen out.
Dan smiled as she stopped to admire him. ‘Oh, no. Here she goes. Snowman envy again.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I saw your face when you watched the news report. The shops we’re visiting are right next to Washington Square Park. If you really want we could stop and build one.’
She shook her head. ‘But I didn’t bring a carrot. Every good snowman needs a carrot for a nose.’ She smiled. ‘Actually, I’d much prefer to do a snow angel. Less work, more fun.’
They walked around the edge of the park towards the shops. There were a number of independent stores with lights on inside. Dan pushed open one of the doors quickly and shouted through to the back. ‘Aidan, are you there?’
‘Hi, Dan.’ The guy appeared quickly from the back of the shop. ‘Sorry, the phone keeps going ever since I got here. Seems th
e whole world needs supplies right now.’ He nodded to the bags on the counter. ‘I think I’ve got everything you requested—including the baby supplies. Anything you want to tell me, buddy?’
He looked from Dan to Carrie, and back again. ‘It’s not what you think. We found a baby on our doorstep a few days ago. Social services can’t get through to pick him up and we need some supplies to take care of him.’
Dan’s face was a bit flushed. As if he knew exactly what Aidan had been thinking. Was he embarrassed? Was he embarrassed that people might think they were actually a couple?
‘This is my neighbour Carrie. She’s giving me a hand with the baby.’
It seemed so.
Aidan nodded at Carrie and rang up the purchases on the register. ‘Hopefully this will last only another day or so. Then you’ll both be able to stop playing babysitter.’
The phone started ringing again and he headed back through to the back of the store. Dan had picked up the bags from the counter but seemed frozen. A bit like Carrie.
Another day or so. Abraham would be gone in a matter of days—maybe hours. What would happen to him then? Would he just get lost in the New York care system and be handed out to a foster family? The thought made Carrie feel sick. Before she’d been worried about Dan being embarrassed by her. Now, she realised she had much more to worry about.
She was going to have to say goodbye to another baby.
They walked out into the clear day. The snow was still thick everywhere, but the sky was clear and bright. Maybe this was the beginning of the end of the bad weather. Maybe it was time to move forward.
Dan seemed as lost in his thoughts as Carrie. Was he thinking about Abraham, too, or was he thinking about her?
They reached the edge of the park, near the Washington Arch. There were a few figures dotted around the park and a whole host of snowmen. ‘Look.’ Carrie pointed. ‘It’s like a whole little family.’ She stood next to the father snowman and looked down at the carefully erected snow family. ‘Dad, mum, a son and a daughter. How cute.’ Her voice had a wistful tone that she couldn’t help. Even the snow people had happy families.
Dan lifted his eyebrows at her. ‘Snow angels?’ he asked.
She wanted him to say so much more. She wanted to know how he was feeling. But Dan just wouldn’t reveal that side of himself to her. In a way he was even more closed off to her than Mark had been.
She gave a little nod. ‘Snow angels.’ This could be the last thing they would do together. She might as well have a little fun.
They found a bit of untouched ground. ‘It’s perfect,’ said Carrie. ‘Are you ready?’
She walked as gingerly as she could in her wellies and turned around holding her hands open wide. Dan left the bags on the ground and stood next to her, hands wide, their fingers almost touching. ‘You do realise you’re about to get soaked, right, Brit girl?’
‘It’s a question of whether I care or not,’ she responded as she leaned backwards, arms wide, letting herself disappear in a puff of powdery snow. She waved her hands through the snow as fast as she could, laughing, as Dan tried to keep up with her. Snow was soaking through her coat quickly, edging in around her neck and up her coat sleeves.
Then she felt it, her fingers brushing his, and she stopped.
She turned her head to face his. All of a sudden it seemed as if they were the only two people in New York. The only two people in this park, in this universe.
Dan moved. His breathing just as quick as hers. The warm air spilling into the cold around him, and then he was on her. His legs on either side of her, his warm breath colliding with her own.
‘What are you doing to me, Carrie McKenzie?’ His brown eyes were full of confusion and it made her heart squeeze. There it was. For the first time. Daniel Cooper stripped bare.
‘What are you doing to me, Daniel Cooper? I thought I was doing fine till I met you.’
She pushed her neck up, catching his cold lips with hers. Wrapping her hands around his neck and pulling him even closer. She didn’t mind the cold snow seeping through her coat around her shoulders and hips. She pushed aside the fact that a few minutes ago she’d felt a little hurt when he’d introduced her as his neighbour. She was as confused about all this as he was.
She’d told him everything. She’d told him about Ruby. She’d told him about Mark. But how much did she know about Daniel Cooper? And why did she feel as if she’d only scraped the surface?
In a few days the snow would be cleared, Abraham would be gone and their lives would return to normal. But what was normal any more? What would happen to her and Dan? An occasional hello on the stairs? She couldn’t bear that.
He pulled away and stood up, holding out his hands to pull her up from the snow. ‘Let’s go, Carrie. You’ll catch your death out here.’
The moment was past. It was over. Just as they would soon be.
She swallowed the lump in her throat. Now the wet patches were starting to feel uncomfortable. Starting to make her notice the cold air around them.
‘I guess it’s time to get back,’ she said quietly.
‘I guess it is.’ He picked up the bags and started towards the exit, leaving her feeling as if she’d just imagined their kiss.
* * *
Two hours later, dried off and with clean clothes, Carrie finished making coffee for Dan and tea for herself, before adding the fruit scones that she’d made upstairs to a plate. Baby Abraham was in a good mood and feeding happily after being picked up from Mrs Van Dyke’s.
Dan grinned at her. ‘I wondered what the smell was. Do you know it drifted down the stairs and woke me up earlier? Not that I’m complaining.’
‘Butter and raspberry jam. I hope you like them.’
‘I’m sure I will.’ He held her gaze for a minute and it made her wonder what he was thinking about. Was he regretting having her help with Abraham? Because she wasn’t regretting it for a second.
‘What did you do when I was sleeping—apart from baking?’
‘I went upstairs and visited with Mrs Van Dyke. She’s lovely—really lovely. Abraham seemed to like her, too.’
‘Everybody likes her. She’s just one of those people.’
‘Was she good friends with your grandmother?’
Dan nodded. ‘They lived in the same apartment block for sixty years and spoke to each other every day. Things were a bit different in those days—they used to borrow from each other all the time. There was hardly a day that went by where my grandmother didn’t send me up the stairs to borrow or return something.’
‘Did you meet her family?’
Dan adjusted himself in the seat as he fed Abraham. He looked slightly uncomfortable. ‘They were all a good bit older than me.’
‘The same age as your mother?’ She couldn’t help it. Both of them were tiptoeing around the issue. She didn’t want to ask him about his mother, and he hadn’t volunteered any information.
‘Yeah, around about the same age.’
Nothing else. It was his prime opportunity to tell her a little more and he hadn’t taken it. Should she give up? Maybe some things were best left secret. But it just felt so strange.
She took a deep breath.
‘How come you ended up staying with your grandmother? Was your mum sick?’
Dan let out a laugh, causing Abraham to startle in his arms. But it wasn’t a happy laugh. It was one filled with anger and resentment. ‘Oh, yeah, she was sick all right.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘It means that some people shouldn’t be mothers, Carrie.’
He didn’t hesitate with his words and it made the breath catch in her throat.
What did that mean? Was that just aimed at his mother? Or was it aimed at her, too?
Was this why he was so screwed up about Abra
ham? He thought Abraham’s mother wasn’t fit to have a child?
‘Is your mother still alive, Dan?’ It seemed the natural question.
‘No.’ His words were curt and sharp. ‘She died ten years ago. Drug overdose.’
The words were a shock and not what she was expecting to hear. Lots of people she knew had lost their mum or dad to various illnesses, cancer or some tragic accident. But no one had ever had a parent die from a drug overdose. One boy that Carrie had gone to school with had died a few years ago from drugs, but that was the only person she knew.
Chills were flooding over her body. Dan’s reactions were acidic, obviously affected by years of bitter experience. What kind of a relationship had he had with his mother? It couldn’t have been good.
‘I’m sorry, Dan. I’m sorry that your mother died of a drug overdose. That must have been awful for you.’
He stood up as Abraham finished his bottle and propped him up onto his shoulder. ‘It wasn’t awful at all. I hadn’t seen her in years. Nor did I want to.’
Carrie was at a loss. Should she ask more questions or just stay quiet? There was that horrible choice between seeming nosey or seeming uninterested. The last thing she wanted to do was upset Dan—he’d been so good to her. But she also wanted to support him as much as he’d supported her. Surely there was something she could do.
And then she remembered. His touch, and how much it had meant to her.
She walked over and laid her hand on his arm. His eyes went to her hand, just for a second, then lifted to meet her eyes.
She could see the hesitation, the wariness in them. He’d revealed a little part of himself, but there was so much more. She’d shared the most important part of her. It had hurt. It had felt as if she were exposing herself to the world. Taking her heart right out of her body and leaving it for the world to spear.
And what hurt most here was that Dan didn’t feel ready or able to share with her. Had she totally misread the situation? She’d thought they had connected. She thought that there might even have been a chance of something more. But if Dan couldn’t share with her now, how on earth could they go any further?
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