Hurt Me: A 'Me' Novel

by Jeri Williams

  “What?” I asked.

  “The books, they are in the chest in the hall closet.” Huh, so that’s where they were; I thought it was just old junk. Why were they hidden was my next question to him, but he beat me again.

  “I didn’t really have room to put up a bookcase or some shit, so in the trunk they went. Besides, I don’t have any chick books.” This caught my attention. Chick books?

  “What are chick books?” I asked, half amusedly and half curious. I legit wanted to know if this was an actual classification of books or just Deklan’s classification.

  “Babe, really? Books about chicks finding themselves and shit, fucking guys, finding themselves, having babies and shit. Chick shit.”

  I tried, I really tried hard, but in the end, I lost it and laughed my ass off for a good three minutes. He started at me so long I was worried we’d crash if he didn't pay attention.

  “What?” I asked, my laughter dying off.

  “Nothing…” He trailed off, turning back to the road. Umm, okay?

  “Deklan?” I implored, hoping he would tell me. I didn’t think it was bad, but just because it wasn’t bad didn’t mean I still didn’t want to know. Curiosity killed that way.

  “Nothing, it’s just… you don’t laugh often, ever.”

  “No, I guess I don’t.” I never laugh, not real laughs like the ones I do with Deklan, and not because I couldn’t or had some hang up about it, but because well, I didn’t have anything to laugh about. I was always smiling with Ember and others at work, but laughing? What for?

  There was nothing in my life worth laughing over and besides laughing by yourself kind of ranks with going to dinner alone, it was all awkward and a little weird. I think for him it was the same thing, another thing we had in common.

  “What kind of books do you read then; I might surprise you.” Books were my escape, so I’ve amassed quite a tally on the list of books I’ve read.

  “Oh, you absolutely will surprise me, but not about books,” he said cryptically, his lips twitching with a smile. What was he thinking?

  “I read guy shit, like now, I’m reading a book about this Irish mob dude who has to marry this bitch of an Italian chick and on their first meeting…”

  “She shoots him, yeah, I love that series,” I finished for him and was proud of myself for having read one of his so called ‘guy books’. He didn’t look impressed.

  “Okay, hit me with another guy book title?” I said determined to win this sort of stump Harley contest. He chuckled and hit me with another one.

  “Biker mute, falls for a chick from a religious cult.” He smirked, and if I wasn’t so determined to win, I might have found it sexy. Well, I still found it sexy, but I had this.

  “Yup, read that too, turns out another biker was a spy for that cult she escaped from and he took her back. Lots of blood, cursing, and sex.” That book could be classified as both a guy and chick shit, but I’ll let him have that one.

  Over the next forty minutes, that’s how the game went, he’d give a brief description of some book, and I’d blurt out the answer proudly. You can tell a lot by the choices of books a person reads or has on their bookshelf, and I knew this already, but Deklan liked the hard books that dealt with some tough shit, but the main character always got redemption or revenge in some way.

  “One last one. Guy sees girl, wants her, but girl is in a bad way. This guy doesn't give a shit and wants her anyway, takes her hard and dirty. She's the best he's ever had. He's fucking hooked on her and can’t get enough of her hot mouth and the way her legs grip him when he’s buried as deep as he can get inside her pussy until she screams his name. But the girl, she did something, something fucked up and now…”He trailed off, as my breathing quickened with my pulse.

  The way he described this story, with such passion. I wasn’t stupid, I knew this was us, our story but I still stupidly tried and replied with some name of a book I knew it wasn’t.

  “Nah babe, I won.” He glanced at me unsmiling before turning back to the road, thoughtfully.

  “So what’s the name of the book? I’d like to read it.” I had to hear him say it.

  “It’s not finished yet,” was all he replied before he pulled the car to stop. I was so wrapped up in the game that I hadn't realized how much time had passed. I looked up and saw we were back home, parked outside of the same motel room that Deklan had stayed in when he was last here. When I was last here.

  “I go where you go, and you’re sure as shit not staying in your old house, dead mom or not,” he said when I gave him a puzzled look as to why we’d come here.

  There was no avoiding it now. I was back.

  Chapter 6

  Deklan

  Shit was gonna pop off, it was only a matter of time. Harley was quiet as shit as we checked in, like her mom’s ghost was gonna jump out from behind the counter and grab her or some shit. She had this look in her eyes I couldn’t place, and I didn’t fucking like it. It put me on edge; I was going to be on edge until we left.

  The ride here was smooth, conversation flowed because of that dumb ass game I knew she was going to win but I played anyway. It made her laugh and call me a bitch, but I wanted her to laugh more, smile more, fucking be happy. Then I had to go and spit some deep shit to her with that last one. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but I wanted her to know that…shit, I know what I wanted her to know, but I wasn’t one hundred percent sure If I told her it would be a good or bad thing. Fuck it; what’s done is done.

  Fear is funny like that. Yeah, I was scared as shit considering that the last time we were in this shithole town Harley almost died. Fear was never a major part of my life, not even when I was kid. I was never afraid of Royce, pissed as shit and panicked about what was to come next, yes, but never afraid. I think it was the main reason he got pissed so much; he’d tried to break me, but that bitch should have known, Kane men don’t fucking break. Yet, what I was feeling now, this tightening in my chest, this hyper awareness could only be described as fear.

  I was fucking scared.

  I wasn’t sure what was riding my ass worst: the fear of losing her or the fear of failing her. Because like it or not, I’d fucking failed her the first time, and I was determined to not let that shit happen again. After dropping our bags on the motel bed, I had to do something, for her sake and mine. I stalked over to her with one thing in mind. I hauled her up into my arms and buried my mouth on top of hers until she broke away breathless.

  “Better?” I asked, not at all ashamed of my methods. Shit, it was more for me as much as it was for her. She only nodded, but I did notice the look had vanished from her eyes and that was enough for me. Our first stop was supposed to be the police and then take care of seeing this bitch in the ground and duck out.

  That was the plan.

  After getting a quick bite to eat, I tried to get this shit going, “Come on, let's go see what the police are talking about.” But she wasn’t having that shit. So much for my fucking plan.

  “No, Ember is stopping by. Deklan please, she’s hurting.” She rushed to finish when she saw the look in my face. Like I gave a shit if Ember was hurting. Out of all the people who had failed her, Ember was number one; she saw her every fucking day, hurting, and she didn’t do shit. Too wrapped up in her own shit with my fucking brother to bother about anyone else.

  “Please?” Harley asked, imploring with her eyes. I knew she was trying to put off going to the cops, and I got that she was scared but fuuuuck, the faster I was out of this town the fucking better.

  “Fine,” I ground out and flopped on the bed, intending to catch some shut eye until she got there. I was back home, and I knew I should go and see her but I couldn’t, not yet.

  Ma

  A knock on the door jostled me out of my thoughts, and I watched as Harley crossed the small room and opened the door.

  “Har, ohmygod!” Ember grabbed onto Harley like she cared. Bitch.

  “Hey Ember, I kinda need my lungs.�
� Harley escaped and motioned her to come in.

  “Oh, hi Deklan, I didn’t know you’d be here.” She eyed me, probably feeling the ‘I don’t like you vibe’ I was pushing her way.

  “She’s here, I’m here.” I simply stated. “But if you're gonna talk chick shit, I’m out.” I got up, intending on giving Harley a brief kiss goodbye, but the way she latched onto me, kissing me as if this was the last time she would see me shot that plan to shit, and it was all I could do not to throw her down and fuck her right there, audience or not. I crushed her mouth to mine and opened her lips with my tongue, fisting her hair in my hand, devouring her. I broke away hard as a fucking rock at how that went down. Harley clung to me, eyes closed breathing heavily. Yeah she was there too.

  “I got this,” I told her, putting my hand where she loved, over her heart, letting her know she wasn’t alone; this wasn’t like last time. I fucking had her.

  I headed out with no real destination in mind, but I had to get away from Harley before I was an asshole and kicked Ember out and reminded Harley about the last time we were in this motel. But I settled on driving around for a few before my mind started wandering again. The more I was in the town, the more I felt an oppressing guilt, and before I knew it I had steered my car to the one place I wanted to be besides with Harley.

  Harley

  “Holy Shit. That was…holy shit.” Ember stammered, and I became aware she was still there.

  Shit. I blushed and ducked my head bashfully. I wasn’t supposed to be shy; this was supposed to be me, right? I wasn’t supposed to give a shit or be embarrassed that she saw some guy maul me in front of her, but I wasn’t that girl anymore, and Deklan wasn’t just ‘some guy’.

  “Matt never kisses me like that,” she said solemnly before bursting into tears and sitting on the bed. “Plus, I’m pretty sure he’s che…cheating on m…me.” She stuttered through her tears and my heart broke for her.

  I had been overwhelmed with this feeling of dread, like I wasn’t going to see him again, and I had to kiss him, I had to say with that kiss what my mouth couldn’t: Don’t leave me. But Deklan made the kiss more. He put all his passion and feeling into that kiss, and I felt bad that Ember had never experienced that with Matt, or anyone. Everyone should get kissed like Deklan kisses me.

  She wiped her tears and played off her outburst that she was just worried about him, saying he’d texted telling her he would be home later. I wrestled with telling her what Deklan told me about Matt, but it felt wrong. But if I was a good friend, then I would tell right? But I couldn’t cause her more pain than she was already in, so I said nothing. I wanted to talk to her, but really what advice could I give her? I’ve had one relationship, and the brothers were thankfully nothing alike, plus, I still had no fucking clue what I was doing with Deklan.

  I stood there not really sure what to do. I didn’t know how to console someone. I knew I was supposed to say something, but everything I thought about saying seemed stupid or bitchy. I could say sorry, but for what? It wasn’t my fault Matt was a douche, so I went with a sorry you're upset mumble and that seemed to calm her enough to tell me it was okay.

  “I mean, it’s not okay, but I get it.” She sniffed then looked embarrassed. She could do that.

  “Want to talk about it?” I asked because that’s what best friends did right? Even if I really didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t think she’d want to hear what her boyfriend had said to me anyway, as I was pretty sure she’d take his side and isn’t that fucked up? But she was my only friend, so I wanted to keep her, regardless if she thought less of me. What does that say about me?

  “No, I mean yes, but first, you. Are you okay? I mean, I know we never talk about the heavy shit but I thought that was because you didn’t have heavy shit, you know?” she looked at me apologetically, and I wanted to ask her when she’d started using words like ‘shit’ but let it go.

  Ember was, in a sense, perfect and perfect girls didn’t swear, or wear slutty clothing or call their boyfriends asshole even when they are being assholes. There was more going on than she was letting on, but that was okay because there was more going on with me than I was letting on. The desperate person in me that wanted to hold on to our friendship wanted to tell her it was okay, that the whole time I had known her it was acceptable that she never looked past my fake hook-ups and sarcastic comments to see that I was slowly suffocating right in front of her.

  But the bitch in me, the one that came from fear that had been ingrained in me from birth couldn’t because if Deklan saw it in the seconds that he first met me, then Ember should have seen it. She just…didn’t, and I was a little hurt by that, so I compromised.

  “It’s a really long story Em,” I tried, hoping she would buy it and drop it. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell her, well no, that’s exactly what it was. A part of me wanted to withhold the truth because I felt she hadn’t earned it. Like she had to prove herself for my secrets and the other part of me just wasn’t ready to face the judgment. Ember’s life was golden, unlike my ever-present rain clouded one. I bet the biggest thing she has ever had to worry about is, well, if Matt was cheating on her. But the same fear I had with telling Deklan my secrets was there again, dictating my life.

  “I have time.” She got comfortable on the bed and looked at me expectantly. Crap.

  “Em…” I hesitated; she was not ready for this shit. Hell, I wasn’t ready for this shit.

  “Come on, you told Deklan, I know you told him something. He looks at me like…like he blames me for something, and that’s not fair if I don’t know what I did. He’s judging me when I didn’t do anything.”

  I wanted to yell at her that was the problem. I wanted to be mad and childish, but the truth was, I wanted someone to talk to. I mean Deklan was great, but he was Deklan, and there were things I didn’t think I could tell him, things I didn’t want to tell him. But the pressure of being in this town again, surrounded by memories I wanted to bury was getting to me, and I wanted to pull out the razor I had so carefully hidden and relieve the pressure, but that was not an option. So things just started spilling from my mouth. She responded as expected, lots of tears, more hugging and I’m sorry’s ensued and surprisingly the apology was heartfelt and made me feel marginally better about our friendship.

  “Don’t cry, Ember, I’m okay. Deklan got me out and I’m fin…”

  “How can I not cry for you?” she cut me off and flung herself at me again. Not to be a bitch, but this was getting old.

  “Harley…” She hugged me tighter then let go and looked me in the eye.

  “I thought your life was square, and that I was your best friend and to find out that you were suffering and I didn’t notice, didn’t push you when I could have done something…could have helped you…I feel terrible. I was so stupid to think that I...I’m just sorry,” she finished, and I didn’t need to be angry with her, she seemed like she was angry and hurt enough for the both of us.

  Call me petty, but that marginal feeling I had moments ago grew exponentially. I was so used to the hurt and Deklan showing me something else besides hurt that it kind of made me open my eyes about my friendship with Em. We had miles to go to be besties, but it was miles I was willing to go through. And that started with coming clean about ‘that night’.

  “Listen Em, that night you came to visit me in the hospital, the night I turned you away?” I started, swallowing thickly because holy fuck was I scared. The best way to kill a conversation? Admit to someone that you tried killing yourself— it’s a definite downer.

  It’s one thing for you to tell someone that your mother was a crazy bitch and tried to kill you, entirely different thing when you divulge you tried to finish the job for her. It was a hard truth to confess, one that only Deklan knew and although we had yet to talk about it, I knew it was between us, festering like a gaping wound that would eventually have to be talked about. I couldn’t have Ember feeling some type of way about my life when she didn’t know the whole
ugly truth.

  “Yeah, I was so worried when Matt had gotten word that you were in the hospital. I mean I rushed there, Harley, but Deklan said you didn’t want to see me, to see anyone… I just…”

  I quickly cut her off from what I knew was going to be another apology. It wasn’t that I was ungrateful for them; I just didn’t feel I deserved them, not in this instance. “I didn’t want to see you because I was mad…I was ashamed.” I said after a beat.

  “Harley, you didn’t have anything to be ashamed of, what your mom did…”

  “Ember, no…” she wasn’t listening, and the truth was stuck in my throat like a lump of phlegm that wouldn’t dislodge.

  “I mean she almost killed you, what would you have to be ashamed of for?”

  “Because I tried to...kill... I gave up!” I yelled, frustrated. I think I scared her because she just stared at me and then she backed away from me, like she was warding me off. I never yelled, I was too cool for that, at least fake me was, but this me…Ember didn’t know this me and this me was a fucking basket case right now.