Thus did it finally become known that Los Angeles, like some gigantic fungus, was overgrowing the land.
* * * *
A period of gestation followed during which various publications in the country slowly built up the import of the Los Angeles Movement, until it became a national byword.
It was during this period that a fertile-minded columnist dubbed Los Angeles “Ellie, the Meandering Metropolis,” a title later reduced merely to “Ellie”—a term which became as common to the American mind as “ham and eggs” or “World War II.”
Now began a cycle of data collection and an attempt by various of the prominent sciences to analyze the Los Angeles movement, with a regard to arresting its strange pilgrimage—which had now spread into parts of South Dakota, Missouri, Arkansas, and as far as the sovereign state of Texas. (Of the mass convulsion this caused in the Lone Star State a separate paper might be devoted.)
REPUBLICANS DEMAND
FULL INVESTIGATION
L.A. Movement Labeled
Subversive Camouflage
After a hasty dispatch of agents to all points in the infected area, the American Medical Association promulgated throughout the nation a list of symptoms by which all inhabitants might be forewarned of the approaching terror:
Symptoms of “Ellieitis”
[”Ellieitis: Its Symptoms,” A.M.A. pamphlet, Fall 1962]
1. An unnatural craving for any of the citrus fruits, whether in solid or liquid form.
2. Partial or complete loss of geographical distinction. (I.e., a person in Kansas City might speak of driving down to San Diego for the weekend.)
3. An unnatural desire to possess a motor vehicle.
4. An unnatural appetite for motion pictures and motion picture previews. (Including a subsidiary symptom, not all-inclusive but never-the-less a distinct menace. This is the insatiable hunger of young girls to become movie stars.)
5. A taste for weird dress apparel. (Including fur jackets, shorts, halters, slacks, sandals, blue jeans and bathing suits—all, usually, of excessive color.)
This list, unfortunately, proved most inadequate for its avowed purpose.
It did not mention, for one thing, the adverse effect of excess sunlight on residents of the northern states. With the expected approach to winter being forestalled indefinitely, numerous unfortunates, unable to adjust to this alteration, became neurotic and, often, lost their senses completely.
The story of Matchbox, North Dakota, a small town in the northernmost part of that state is typical of accounts which flourished throughout the late fall and winter of 1962.
The citizens of this ill-fated town went berserk to a man waiting for the snow and, eventually running amuck, burned their village to the ground.
The pamphlet also failed to mention the psychoological phenomenon known later as “Beach Seeking”, [Fritz Felix Derkatt, “Das Beachen Seeken”, Einzweidrei, Nov. 1962] a delusion under which masses of people, wearing bathing suits and carrying towels and blankets, wandered helplessly across the plains and prairies searching for the Pacific Ocean.
* * * *
In October, the Los Angeles Movement (the process was given this more staid title in late September by Professor Augustus Wrench in a paper sent to the National Council of American Scientists) picked up momentum. In a space of ten days it engulfed Arkansas, Missouri and Minnesota, and was creeping rapidly into the borderlands of Illinois, Wisconsin, Tennessee, Mississippi and Louisiana.
Smog drifted across the nation.
Up to this point, citizens on the east coast had been interested in the phenomenon but not overly perturbed, since distance from the diseased territory had lent detachment. Now however, as the Los Angeles city limits stalked closer and closer to them, the coastal region became alarmed.
Legislative activity in Washington was virtually terminated as Congressmen were inundated with letters of protest and demand. A special committee, heretofore burdened by general public apathy in the east, now became enlarged by the added membership of several distinguished Congressmen. A costly probe into the problem ensued.
It was this committee that, during the course of its televised hearings, unearthed a secret group known as the L.A. Firsters.
This insidious organization seemed to have sprung almost spontaneously from the general chaos of the Los Angeles envelopment. General credence was given for a short time to the idea that it was another symptom of “Ellieitis”. Intense interrogation, however, revealed the existence of L.A. Firster cells in east-coast cities that could not possibly have been subject to the dread virus at that point.
This revelation struck terror into the heart of a nation.
The presence of such calculated subversion in this moment of trial almost unnerved the national will. For it was not merely an organization loosely joined by emotional binds. This faction possessed a carefully wrought hierarchy of men and women, plotting the overthrow of the national government. Nationwide distribution of literature had begun almost with the advent of the Los Angeles Movement. This literature, with the cunning of insurgent casuistry, painted a roseate picture of the future of—the United States of Los Angeles!
PEOPLE ARISE!
[The Los Angeles Manifesto, L. A. Firster Press, Winter 1962]
People arise! Cast off the shackles of reaction! What sense is there in opposing the march of PROGRESS! It is inevitable! And you, the people of this glorious land—a land dearly bought with your blood and your tears—should realize that Nature herself! supports the L.A. FIRSTERS!
How?—you ask. How does Nature support this glorious adventure?
The question is simple enough to answer.
NATURE HAS SUPPORTED THE L.A. FTRSTTER MOVEMENT FOR THE BETTERMENT OF YOU!
Here are a few facts. In those states that have been blessed:
1. Rheumatism has dropped 52%,
2. Pneumonia has dropped 61%,
3. Frostbite hasvanished,
4. Incidence of the COMMON COLD has dropped 73%!
Is this bad news? Are these the changes brought about by anti-PROGRESS?
NO ! !!
Wherever Los Angeles has gone, the deserts have fled, adding millions of new fertile acres to our beloved land. Where once there was only sand and catcus and bleached bones are now plants and trees and FLOWERS!
This pamphlet closes with a couplet which aroused a nation to fury:
Sing out O land, with flag unfurled!
Los Angeles! Tomorrow’s World!
* * * *
The exposure of the L.A. Firsters caused a tide of reaction to sweep the city.
Rage became the keynote of this counter-revolution; rage at the subtlety with which the L.A. Firsters had distorted truth in their literature; rage at their arrogant assumption that the country would inevitably fall to Los Angeles.
Slogans of “Down with the L.A. Lovers!” and “Send Them Back Where They Came from!” rang throughout the land. A measure was forced through Congress and got the presidential signature, outlawing the group and making membership in it the offense of treason. Rabid groups attached a rider to this measure which would have enforced the outlawry, seizure and destruction of all tennis and beach-supply manufacturing. Here, however, the N.A.M. stepped into the scene and, through the judicious use of various pressure means, defeated the attempt.
Despite this quick retaliation, the L.A. Firsters continued underground, and at least one fatality of its persistent agitation was the state of Missouri.
In some manner, as yet undisclosed, the L.A. Firsters gained control of the state legislature and jockeyed through an amendment to the constitution of Missouri which was hastily ratified and made the Show-Me state the first area in the country to legally make itself a part of Los Angeles County.
Utter McKinley Opens
Five New Parlors
In The Southwest
In the succeeding months there emerged a notable upsurge in the production of automobiles, particularly convertibles. In those states affected
by the Los Angeles Movement every citizen, apparently, had acquired that symptom of “Ellieitis” known asautomania. The car industry entered accordingly upon a period of peak production, its factories turning out automobiles twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
In conjunction with this increase in automotive fabrication there began a near-maniacal splurge in the building of drive-in restaurants and theatres. These sprang up with mushroomlike celerity through western and mid-western United States, their planning going beyond all feasibility. Typical of these thoughtless projects was the endeavor to hollow out a mountain and convert it into a drive-in theatre. [L. Savage, “A Report on The Grand Teton Drive-In”, Fortune, January, 1963]
As the month of December approached, the Los Angeles Movement engulfed Illinois, Wisconsin, Mississippi, half of Tennessee and was lapping at the shores of Indiana, Kentucky and Alabama. (No mention will be made of the profound effect this movement had on racial segregation in the South, this subject demanding a complete investigation in itself.)
It was about this time that a wave of religious passion obsessed the nation.
As is the nature of the human mind suffering catastrophe, millions turned to religion. Various cults had, in this calamity, grist for their metaphysical mills.
Typical of these were The San Bernadino Vine Worshipers, who claimed Los Angeles to be the reincarnation of their deity Ochsalia—The Vine Divine. The San Diego Sons of the Weed claimed, in turn, that Los Angeles was a sister embodiment to their deity which they claimed had been creeping for three decades prior to the Los Angeles Movement.
Unfortunately for all concerned, a small fascistic clique began to usurp control of many of these otherwise harmless cults, emphasizing dominance through “power and energy.”
As a result, these religious bodies too often degenerated into mere fronts for political cells that plotted the overthrow of the government for purposes of self-aggrandizement. (Secret documents discovered in later years revealed the intention of one perfidious brotherhood of converting the Pentagon Building into an indoor race track.)
During a period beginning in September and extending for years, there also ensued a studied expansion of the motion-picture industry. Various of the major producers opened branch studios throughout the country. For example, M-G-M built one in Terre Haute, R.K.O. Radio in Cincinnati and Twentieth Century-Fox in Tulsa. The Screen Writer’s Guild initiated branch offices in every large city, and the term “Hollywood” became even more of a misnomer than it had previously been.
Motion-picture output more than quadrupled, as theaters of all description were hastily erected everywhere west of the Mississippi, sometimes wall-to-wall for blocks. [Gulls Creek Gets Its Forty Eighth Theatre”, The Arkansas Post-Journal, March 12,1963] These buildings were rarely well constructed, and often collapsed within weeks of their “grand openings.”
Yet, in spite of the incredible number of theaters, motion pictures exceeded them in quantity (if not quality). It was in compensation for this economically dangerous situation that the studios inaugurated the expedient practice of burning films in order to maintain the stability of the price floor. This aroused great antipathy among the smaller studios who did not produce enough films to burn any.
Another liability involved in the production of motion pictures was the geometric increase in difficulties raised by small but voluble pressure groups.
One typical coterie was The Anti-Horse League of Dallas, which put up strenuous opposition to the utilization of horses in films.
This, plus the increasing incidence of car-owning which had made horse breeding unprofitable, made the production of Western films (as they had been known) an impossible chore. Thus was it that the so-called “Western” gravitated rapidly toward the “drawing-room” drama.
Section of a Typical Screenplay
[Maxwell Brande, “Altercation at Deadwood Spa”, Epigram Studios, April, 1963]
Tex D’Urberville comes riding into Doomtown on the Colorado, his Jaguar raising a cloud of dust in the sleepy western town. He parks in front of the Golden Sovereign Saloon and steps out. He is a tall, rangy cowhand impeccably attired in waistcoat and fawnskin trousers with a ten-gallon hat, boots and pearl-gray spats. A heavy six-gun is belted at his waist. He carries a gold-topped malacca cane.
He enters the saloon. Every man there scatters from the room, leaving only Tex and a scowling hulk of a man at the other end of the bar. This is Dirty Ned Updyke, local ruffian and gunman.
TEX: (Removing his white gloves and, pretending he does not see
Dirty Ned, addressing the bartender) Pour me a whiskey and seltzer, will you, Roger, there’s a good fellow.
ROGER: Yes, sir.
Dirty Ned scowls over his aperitif but does not dare to reach for the Webley Automatic pistol which is concealed in a holster beneath his tweed jacket.
Now Tex D’Urberville allows his icy blue eyes to move slowly about the room until they rest on the craven features of Dirty Ned.
TEX: So . . . you’re the beastly cad who shot my brother.
Instantly they draw their cane swords and, approaching, salute each other grimly.
* * * *
An additional result not to be overlooked was the effect of increased film production on politics. The need for high salaried workers such as writers, actors, directors and plumbers was intense. This mass of nouveau riche, having come upon good times so relatively abruptly, acquired a definite guilt neurosis which resulted in their intensive participation in the so-called “liberal” and “progressive” groups. This swelling of radical activity did much to alter the course of American political history. (This subject being another which requires separate inquiry for a proper evaluation of its many and varied ramifications.)
* * * *
Two other factors of this period which may be mentioned briefly are the increase in divorce due to the relaxation of divorce laws in every state affected by the Los Angeles Movement and the slow but eventually complete bans placed upon tennis and beach supplies by a rabid but powerful group within the N.A.M. This ban led, inexorably, to a brief span of time which paralleled the so-called “Prohibition” period of the 1920’s. During this infamous period, thrill seekers attended the many bootleg tennis courts throughout the country, which sprang up wherever perverse public demand made them profitable ventures for unscrupulous men.
In the first days of January, 1963, the Los Angeles Movement reached almost to the Atlantic shoreline.
Panic spread through New England and the southern coastal region. The country and, ultimately, Washington reverberated with cries of “Stop Los Angeles!” All processes of government ground to a virtual halt in the ensuing chaos.
Law enforcement atrophied, crime waves spilled across the nation and conditions became so grave that even the outlawed L.A. Firsters held revival meetings in the streets.
ABOUTOWN WITH PULLEY
[Column by Eastbrook Pulley,New York Daily Mirror, January 7, 1963]
Just got in from a little town in Pennsylvania called Dutch Corners where I talked to a member of the outlawed L.A. Firsters. Here are some of the things that were said:
Q. You think L.A. will cover the country?
A. Sure will, brother! It’ll cover the Earth!
Q. What about the destruction of the grain crop by citrus trees?
A. So we’ll eat oranges, brother! Oranges are good for you.
Q. But what about bread?
A. Let ‘em eat cake, brother, let ‘em eat cake!
Q. So you think it’s a good thing.
A. Sure, it’s a good thing. Why, on a clear day you can see Catalina!
* * * *
On February 11, 1963, the Los Angeles Movement forded the Hudson River and invaded Manhattan Island.
Flame-throwing tanks proved futile against the invincible flux. Within a week the subways were closed and car purchases had trebled. Within two years New York had joined The Federation of Los Angeles, and had become obliged to saw off all its
skyscrapers in order to adhere to the Los Angeles building code, which prescribed heights of no more than 150 feet. (The trimmings were given to Brooklyn.)
By March, 1963, the only unaltered states in the union were Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts. This was later explained by the lethargic adaptation of the fungi to the rocky New England soil and inclement weather.
These northern states, cornered and helpless, resorted to extraordinary measures in a hopeless bid to ward off the awful incrustation. Several of them legalized the mercy killing of any person discovered to have acquired the taint of “Ellieitis.” Newspaper reports of shootings, stabbings, poisonings and strangulations became so common in those days of “The Last-Ditch Defense” that newspapers inaugurated a daily section of its contents to such reports.
Boston, Mass. April 13, AP—Last rites were held today for Mr. Abner Scrounge who was shot after being found in his garage, attempting to remove the top of his Rolls Royce with a can opener.
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