by Rose, Ashley
“Are you sure you’re not in any pain?”
“Adam?”
“In jail, Rikke, and you’re not going to be able to make excuses for him this time. He could have killed you.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“What?” Ben leaned down to hear her.
“I can’t believe how stupid I was.”
Ben took her hand and squeezed it. “Why don’t you worry about that stuff later, okay? Right now, just focus on getting better.”
She shook her head. “Why didn’t I see it?” She let her eyes drift close.
“It’s all right, Rikke. It’s not your fault.” His fingers stroked her palm soothingly.
“I’m sorry about...” She opened her eyes again to look at him. “Being all over the place on you. What I did...what we...I’m sorry, for everything.”
“You don’t need to worry about any of that right now, okay?” His tone was a bit more desperate this time, begging for her to listen.
“You found me, right?”
“With another RA, yeah.”
“I bet I looked like shit, huh?”
“You were half naked, bruised everywhere and bloody.” He looked down. “It made me want to hurt someone.”
“Not me, I hope.”
His eyes locked on hers. “Don’t even say that. I can’t fathom how someone could do this to another person, someone they supposedly loved. It’s fucked up.”
She sighed. “Yeah... I can see that now. Guess I’m pretty fucked up for going along with it.”
Ben didn’t respond. His finger continued to stroke her hand, the light touch comforting her.
She looked down at the IV in her other arm. “I hate needles.”
A hand touched her cheek, and Ben turned her to face him instead. “Well, don’t look at it.”
She let her head rest on the pillow, his hand still cupping her cheek gently. He was unbelievably nice, even sweet. She wondered if she’d ever be good enough to deserve a guy like him.
“I bet I still look like crap, huh?”
He shrugged and his fingers moved along the side of her face, the barest of touches. “You’re pretty bruised up. Nothing that a little time won’t fix.”
“You don’t have to stay, you know.”
His hand pulled away from her face, away from the bed altogether. “Yes, I do.” Something in his voice had changed and suddenly his tone was dark.
“Why?”
He turned away. “I shouldn’t have given up on you, Rikke.” He pushed a hand through his hair. “If I had done something, if I hadn’t given up, you wouldn’t be here right now.”
She blinked. “You’re blaming yourself?”
He nodded, looking miserable.
“Ben. Please don’t. The best thing I can do right now is to blame Adam. All I’ve done since I’ve been with him is blame myself or other people for what I let him get away with. And that doesn’t work anymore. If I don’t blame him for it all...then that opens the door for me to forgive him. And I can’t do that, not again.”
“I just can’t help feeling somewhat responsible.”
“Well, get over it!” She tried to sit up but gasped and fell back down again. Her back wasn’t going to allow any sudden movements. Ben reached out, his hand hovering near her arm in case she started to sit up again. “I don’t blame you, so you shouldn’t either. I can’t spread the blame on this one. It’s Adam’s fault, okay? All of it.”
Ben nodded slowly. “All right...if that’s what you need.”
“It is.”
“Okay.”
“And I need you to hold my hand, because without it...” She took a deep breath. “I feel like I’m floating away.”
He smiled and took her hand with both of his, his fingertips playing on her upturned palm. “It’s just the drugs. It’ll go away once you’re off of them.”
She nodded and closed her eyes. After a few minutes of the comforting feel of his finger tips on her palm, she started to get sleepy. “I think I’m fading here.”
“Go ahead. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
And she knew, deep down, that he would be. It was nice to have a friend she could count on.
* * *
A couple days later, Rikke was released from the hospital. Jaz had brought her some clothes, for which she was immensely grateful. She felt bad that she’d never made the effort to be friends. She was still supposed to stay in bed for the next few days, but at least she was allowed to walk a bit now. Jaz and Ben got her back to the dorm and helped her into her room.
She was queasy, especially in the elevator, and she held onto Ben’s arm tightly. “I almost wish I could have stayed in the hospital,” she said dryly. She didn’t want to go out in public looking like a human punching bag.
He smiled as the doors opened and he led them out. “It’s the food, right?”
She smiled back, feeling like a toddler because she was walking so slowly. She was still on drugs for the pain and antibiotics for the operation. The painkillers were just enough to dull the ache so she could still function, but not enough to block out all of it. As Ben helped her into her room, she said, “You don’t have to babysit me, you know.”
“I want to.” He helped her sit down on the bed.
“I doubt that. No one likes to babysit adults.”
Ben shrugged. “I don’t know. At least you’re nice to look at.”
She laughed and then regretted it, putting her hand to her stomach.
“Sorry.” Ben touched her arm. “I’ll stop being funny.”
She smiled and looked down at her bed, wondering if she wanted to lie down or not. “You really don’t need to hang around and watch me be bored though, seriously.”
He shrugged and pulled a chair close and sat down. “It occurred to me that we don’t really know each other.”
She cocked an eyebrow. “And you want to? After all this drama I’ve caused?”
“I wouldn’t exactly call it drama, Rikke,” he said, reproachfully. “It was serious. It still is.”
She shrugged. “I can see how outside looking in I was just an idiot.”
He smiled. “Well. At least you can recognize it now.”
She looked down, nervous. There was something she needed to say. She’d kind of said it before but wouldn’t be satisfied until her point got across. “Look, Ben...I know that everything you’ve done for me is above and beyond your job description, and I—”
“Rikke.” He held up his hand to stop her. “None of this had anything to do with my job.”
“Ben...”
“No, Rikke. I care about you, even though we’ve been on a bit of a rollercoaster.” He shrugged. “I consider us friends, I guess.”
She swallowed, thinking he was nicest guy she’d ever met. She’d be lucky to ever have a guy like him for a boyfriend. “Well. Either way, you didn’t have to stay with me. I know that I’m like, the stupidest bitch ever and I totally don’t deserve it. But...thanks.”
“I’m going to ignore the stupid bitch comment, because I’m not going to argue with you until you’re healthy again. But really, don’t worry about it, I want to be here.”
She smiled and felt like a total fucking girl as tears started pooling in her eyes. “Just because I recognize how stupid I was...it doesn’t make the feeling going away.”
“What feeling?”
“The feeling that I’m nothing without him.”
Ben sighed and viciously scrubbed both hands through his hair.
She looked up slowly. “I’m going to need your help.”
“Yeah. But do you want it?”
“More than anything. I want this to be over. I want to belong to myself again.”
Ben nodded. “I can definitely help with that.”
33
Jaz
Travis wasn’t answering his cell phone—at least, he wasn’t answering Jaz’s calls. She’d just left Bishop’s place, where they’d talked for over an hour before she finally
departed. She wanted to talk to Travis because she knew that he was upset not just because of the thing with Bishop, but because of what she’d been doing with boys lately. He was worried about her, and she saw that now.
Since Jaz was never one to sit back and wait for a guy to return a call, she took it upon herself to go to his apartment. After two knocks on his door brought no response, she wasn’t sure whether he was in there or not. Staying very quiet, she pressed her ear to the door and listened.
Yep, he was in there, talking on the phone.
She frowned and tried the doorknob. Finding it unlocked, she stepped in and shut the door behind her. Travis glanced up from where he was sitting on the counter with his cellphone to his ear. He didn’t look very surprised to see her.
He spoke in hushed tones, and she stayed against the door to give him privacy. He finished with a quick ‘I love you too’ before hanging up and sliding off the counter.
“Did you want something?” he asked coldly.
“Yeah, actually.” She pushed away from the door while he went for the fridge, pulling out a beer. “To talk to you.”
“So talk,” he said, popping the beverage open and taking a drink.
“Who was that on the phone?”
“Why?”
“Just because you said you loved whoever it was, and I wanted to know if you picked up a girlfriend I don’t know about.”
He hesitated and then looked her right in the eye. “It was my sister.”
“Oh, how is she?” she asked cautiously.
Travis shook his head. “Don’t ask that. You don’t know her. Don’t pretend to care just because you’ve suddenly made friends with her rapist.”
He was right—she didn’t know his sister and had no business asking after her. “Is that why you called her?”
“Yeah. I called her to tell her that bastard is out of jail. I figured she had a right to know.”
“And?”
Travis set his drink down and leaned on the counter. “She already knew.”
“Ah.”
“He’s in some fucking special program.”
“Yeah, for young felons who have good behavior. He told me about it.”
“Well, I guess part of the program is that the victim of the original crime has a right to be notified and appeal the decision.”
He hadn’t told her that...maybe he didn’t know? “Oh. And she didn’t, obviously.”
Travis shook his head and turned away.
“What did she say?” Jaz asked, stepping forward.
“My sister is a total softy,” he said, absently rearranging things on his counter. “Studying psychology with a specialization on drug dependency. She said that he deserved the second chance, because he had been an addict when it happened. And apparently he’s not anymore.”
“Oh...wow. That sounds like she’s either very rational, or a very strong person, to not let this affect her.”
Travis took another drink of his beer. “She’s sure as hell not rational, just...yeah, strong is a good word for it. I swear she handled it better than I did. Kept her cool in court when she was face to face with him. Told the story, put him away. And then, she lets him out?”
“She must have forgiven him on some level.”
“She said...” Travis paused before speaking again, sounding disgusted, “that he wrote her a letter, before he could have even known about the program. Five pages long. He apologized for everything. She said it sounded like he was truly sorry, and that was enough for her.”
“She must be very forgiving.”
“And stupid. He could find her and do it again.”
Jaz sighed. “He’s not a serial rapist, Travis. He screwed up, badly. But he’s not going to do it again, that much is clear. He hasn’t even had sex since—”
“I don’t give a shit, Jaz! He should still be in jail, playing bitch for some nasty cellmate.”
She gaped. “How can you say that?”
Travis didn’t answer.
“Your sister is the one who has had to deal with this, and she’s obviously come to terms and found some sort of forgiveness—I think it’s time you started looking.”
“Fuck. That.”
“You think holding on to your hatred is going to help your sister?”
“I don’t care.”
She took a step closer. “You don’t care about your sister?”
Travis growled. “Of course I do! That’s what this whole thing is about.”
“Then at least just...give it some thought.”
He slumped against the counter. “You sound just like her.”
She smiled slightly and stepped in front of him. “I guess we would be the best ones to make judgments on this, right?”
She had him there, no denying it.
“I’ll try to think about it. Not...right now, though. Maybe later, after some of the hatred has worn off.”
“Just promise me that you won’t go after him.”
He laughed dryly. “Tess made me promise the same thing.”
“Good.” She smiled. “Then it’s settled.”
“I won’t go after him. Piece of shit’s not worth my time.”
“That’s the spirit.” She lifted her hand to touch his chest, like she normally would, but remembered the other issue that they’d been dealing with.
“What is it?” he asked, sounding concerned.
She sighed. “I’m sorry about...the other thing...how I’ve been acting. You were right, it was dangerous and I was stupid.”
“Oh.” He slipped away from her with a wary look on his face. “Right.”
She didn’t blame him—she recalled how many times she’d had sex without changing her clothes or showering, and suddenly felt very disgusting. “Maybe we can continue this discussion after I’ve showered.”
“Please,” he said, gesturing toward his bathroom.
She hurried inside and couldn’t get out of her clothes fast enough. She turned the water on hot and scrubbed herself down quickly, followed by a second scrub with a different kind of soap. Once that was finished, she shampooed her hair twice, cleansing root to tip. The door opened and she could see Travis’ figure through the misty glass.
“Clean yet?”
“Yeah, just washing my hair.” She rinsed the last of the suds down the drain. Just as she reached for the knobs to turn off the water, the door slid open and a naked Travis stepped in.
“Oh, hey.”
He nudged her out of the spray, putting his body between hers and the water before turning it up hotter. “Hey.”
The heat in the stall increased right away, the air becoming thick and reminding her of the last time she’d been in the shower with him. “I didn’t think...” She hesitated, unsure of what she wanted to say.
“I hold grudges against guys a lot longer than I do girls.” He turned her around, so that her back was to him and she faced the misted glass wall.
“Ah, I see.” She tried to contain her rampant libido as he brushed against her lower back.
“And as long as you’re clean...”
“Squeaky clean, you can check.”
He pulled her back against his hips. “I think I will.” His hand slid around her hip to the front of her body before pushing demandingly between her legs. She gasped and automatically grabbed his wrist with both hands. He made a noise low in his throat before he wrapped his other arm around her, pulling both of her arms up and pinned against her chest as he held her tightly across the shoulders so that her back pressed against his front and her heels left the floor.
“Oh god.” She dropped her head back against his shoulder. He knew her body better than anyone did. How could she have forgotten that?
“I have the urge to have sex with you,” he said into her ear, but he still kept his attention on the stroking between her legs.
“Yeah.” She squirmed on her toes. “I noticed.”
“I don’t know why, though. You’ve slept with so many guys today.”
/> She didn’t know either—if she were him, she’d steer clear of her for a while.
“Or maybe that’s why...you’ve had so many other guys lately...it’s a territorial thing,” he contemplated aloud, probably not caring if she was listening or not.
She moaned and struggled just enough to make him tighten his hold.
“Why?” she breathed slowly. “Why would you be territorial?”
“Hell if I know,” he said honestly. “And I don’t really care.”
The heat in the stall was stifling now, and the rapid heart rate she was getting from him didn’t help.
“Travis...”
He didn’t make any sign that he’d heard her. He just released her and used his hands on her wrists to plant both of her hands on the glass wall, backing her ass up as far as possible. He then put one hand on her neck, making her drop her head and bend over further while his other hand slid behind her and between her legs, from the other direction this time. Apparently this angle was better because he didn’t hesitate to put a finger into her, stroking her from the inside.
She let him have his fun for a while, allowing the moans of satisfaction to pass her lips for his benefit, tilting her hips up for better access. She even let him add a second finger and really drive her crazy for a few moments.
But then she pulled away and straightened up. The hand on the back of her neck let go because although they liked to play it rough for fun, he would never actually force her.
She turned and leaned up to press a kiss on his open lips before backing out the door. “Come on.” She had two reasons for relocating the sex. One was because it was never a good idea to have sex in the shower—it sounded great in theory, but wasn’t so much in practice. The other reason was that Jaz wanted to be in control for this one. As much as she liked Travis manhandling her into positions and having his way with her, she wanted a little fun too. And there was nothing as fun as riding Travis until he begged.
“Where ya goin’?” Travis asked as she snagged a towel from the sink and began to dry herself.
“Oh, I just thought...” she bent over the sink and stuck her hips invitingly, “that you’d like to bend me over the sink.”
“Would I ever.”
But she slipped away with a laugh when he came up behind her. “Kidding.”