by Peter Newman
Vesper has learnt this the hard way. She stops at the doorway, absently rubbing the old scar on her hand. ‘Don’t look at me. It’s not my fault.’
The birth is quick and blunt, a few moments of sweat and struggle. A newborn slides into being, deadly still, wearing its membrane suit like a shroud.
The goat eyes the bundle disapprovingly, and waits. During the early pregnancies, she tended her young but she too has learnt.
‘Go on!’ Vesper urges.
The goat ignores her.
‘Quickly!’
The goat ignores her.
With a curse, Vesper pulls a rag from her pocket and starts to wipe the mucus from the newborn’s head. Practiced hands find their way into the kid’s mouth and nostrils, unplugging goo. Vesper curses again, borrowing words overheard, exotic, adult. Slowly, the gunk is removed, some of it finding its way to the floor, much of it adhering to Vesper’s trousers.
The goat’s eyes glint, victorious, and she begins to pick at some stray tufts of grass by the door.
Still, the kid does not move, a damp lump, not quite dead but not fully alive either. Vesper strokes the little animal’s side.
‘Come on, you can do it. Breathe for me.’
Vesper keeps stroking, keeps talking. She doesn’t know if the kid can hear her, or if it helps but she does it anyway.
The goat flicks the stump of her tail in irritation and trots over. She gives her child a quick inspection, flicks her tail again, then kicks out.
The kid judders into life, gulps down air, whimpers a little.
Vesper scowls at the goat. ‘Was that really necessary?’
The goat ignores her.
Injury forgotten in sudden hunger, the kid looks between the two figures, mouth open and eager.
‘I take it you’re not going to feed him?’ Vesper rolls up her sleeves. ‘Didn’t think so.’ Alert for retaliation, she snatches up a nearby bucket and starts to milk the goat.
Too tired to fight, the goat decides to be merciful.
When she finishes, Vesper stands up, hefting the bucket. ‘I need to get a bottle, don’t go anywhere, okay?’
The kid watches the girl leave. He turns to his other mother but she has already gone. Tongue lolling, he swings his head back and forth, unsure. He takes his first steps, stumbling into the goat’s domain.
There is a thud and a squeal.
A moment later he scurries out, running for safety. He doesn’t dare look back.
Tin bowls sound like anemic bells as they are moved, and a soft voice chatters in the kitchen. Vesper attends to the words and pauses, holding her breath. She does not go through or say hello, preferring to wait. If they do not know she is there, they will be their other selves, the ones that worry more, that hint at secrets.
As usual, her Uncle Harm does the talking while her father potters, bringing order to a space bent on chaos. ‘You know, a messenger from the Lenses came again today. They wanted to know if everything was alright here. I told him things were nice and quiet. All the usual questions but something felt different this time. He was agitated, kept scratching at something. I almost asked him in for a drink. Poor man seemed exhausted with stress. I suppose they all are up there. Of course, he wouldn’t tell me anything.’
A soft whirring begins. Her father must be Bondcleaning the surfaces.
‘I’m sure,’ Harm continues, ‘if you went and spoke with them yourself, I’m sure we could find out more. They’re only here for you, after all.’
The cleaning device is clicked to a higher setting and the whirring gets louder, irritating. Vesper takes another deep breath and edges closer, daring a peek into the kitchen.
Her Uncle Harm sits in the good chair, steam curling from the mug in his lap. He raises his voice, managing to keep the tone gentle. ‘I know you’ve made up your mind about this but it wouldn’t hurt to know what’s going on. Please, go and talk to them? It would put my mind at rest. And can you come over here? I hate talking to you when you’re far away.’
The whirring of the machine slows, becomes irregular, stops. Broad shoulders sag. Vesper retreats a step as her father turns and limps across the kitchen. His hair grows long now. Vesper has spent many evenings watching Uncle Harm brush the long brown-grey strands. Even so, it does not hide the scars running through the hairline. Apparently, these could be fixed, just like the missing teeth and the scarred leg, but her father always refuses any offers of surgery. Harm says he’s as stubborn as the goat, which makes her father smile. But he never changes his mind.
Vesper likes the scars. They’re proof of a different life. When her father was the heroic knight that her Uncle talks about, not this tired man who frowns too much.
Her father stops by the chair, leans on it, stoops forward. Harm’s hands fumble their way upwards, searching for his face.
‘There you are.’ Fingers brush features: a chin that needs shaving, crow’s feet deepening around the eyes. They find lines furrowing the forehead and smooth them away. ‘They know you’re not going to fight again. Nobody’s expecting you to. But I think we should at least know what’s going on, just in case.’
Soothing hands are taken in callused ones. The two stand peaceably, enjoying the moment.
As usual, Harm is the first to speak into it. ‘I hear things. From the people who bring us offerings. There aren’t so many as there used to be but some still come. Apparently, Sonorous has declared independence and the First has recognised them. There’s been no official response from the Empire yet but either way it won’t be good. And have you heard about what’s going on in the south? There’s a rumour that—’
Hands break apart. Amber eyes fix on the doorway. Vesper is caught in their glare. She smiles quickly, and goes in, clearing her throat. ‘What rumour is that, Uncle?’
‘Ah, Vesper,’ comes the bright-voiced reply, ‘it’s just gossip, nothing important. How’s the goat?’
‘She’s getting worse. Didn’t even bother with this one. It would’ve died for sure if I hadn’t been there.’
‘That’s the third you’ve saved now, isn’t it?’
‘The fifth, actually. But each time, she’s doing less.’
‘If I was her age, I doubt I’d be much better.’
‘How old is she, Uncle?’
Spontaneously, both men smile. ‘We’ve got no idea. But old. If she were human, she would be long past having babies, that’s for certain.’
‘Well, she’s having them but she’s not feeding them. I need to get a bottle.’
‘Go ahead.’
Hands ruffle her hair as she goes past. She feels her father watching her, and moves quickly. In her haste she fumbles the teat, dropping it. ‘Any news from the City?
‘Why do you ask?’
She crouches down to collect the teat. ‘I … thought I saw someone come to the house.’
‘It’s true, we did have a visitor. And they did come from the City.’
‘What did they say?’
‘Not much.’
‘But they must have said something.’
‘You know what it’s like, there’s always something going on –’ Harm hears her excited intake of breath ‘– but nothing for us to worry about,’ he adds quickly.
‘Oh.’
Getting nowhere, as always, she collects the teat from the floor and leaves.
Fed and full, the kid goes to sleep in Vesper’s arms.
She sits on the front step, enjoying the warm weight of him until her own belly demands attention. The kid grumbles as she puts him down but doesn’t wake. Vesper lets out a relieved breath and creeps into the house, her mind already busy conjuring images, succulent and mouth-watering.
Out of habit she listens at the kitchen door, hearing nothing but the sound of soft snoring. A peek reveals Uncle Harm slumped in a chair, enjoying his afternoon nap.
The snores continue, undisturbed by clinking cutlery and enthusiastic consumption.
As she leaves the kitchen, she hears a noise co
ming from the storeroom and freezes. The door is open a crack but not enough to see what’s inside. Curiosity and fear briefly battle within her. She hears another noise, a soft scuffing sound that she cannot identify. Whoever is inside is moving carefully, stealthily.
It must be her father. She wonders what he is up to and reaches out to push at the door, praying that it won’t creak. Experience has taught her that if she wants the truth, it is better to look for it herself than to ask questions. The gap widens slowly, half-inch by half-inch.
When she sees inside, her eyes widen considerably faster.
He stands with his back to her, fists trembling at his sides. A low humming sounds near his feet, like a hornet, angry.
Slowly, his head shakes from side to side and the humming gets louder.
She can taste the tension in the air, can see the effect of invisible hands pulling at her father, sees him resisting, leaning back, as if fighting stormy winds.
His head shakes again, faster this time, less confident. His jaw moves but if he says any words, they are too low to make out.
Something seems to break and her father leans down quickly, the movement desperate. There is the sound of a box lid slamming shut.
The humming diminishes but does not vanish.
Her father leans heavily on the box for a moment then stands up.
Vesper pulls back from the door but it is too late, he has seen her. He always sees her.
She adopts what she hopes is a neutral expression. ‘Are you alright?’
He marches up to the door and nods curtly. His amber eyes are bloodshot, puffy, and she wonders if he has been crying.
They look at each other for a moment and she feels the need to say something, to reach out to him. She has no idea where to begin and offers him a weak smile instead.
His lips move, threatening a sentence and she dares to hope that, for once, he is going to open up, but he cuts it off in its infancy with another sharp nod.
The door closes between them.
With an angry mutter, Vesper plonks herself down on the hillside. The kid comes and sits next to her.
‘It isn’t fair!’ she exclaims, making the kid look up in alarm. ‘He never tells me what’s going on. And he never lets me go anywhere or do anything. I am so bored of goats and grass.’ To take the sting out of her words she strokes the kid’s soft head. ‘But you are very cute.’
The afternoon is spent watching the horizon, scope in hand. Scanning the distant edges of the Shining City, hoping for glimpses of a place featured in her Uncle’s stories but never visited. Today she is rewarded. A group of young people gather in a circle. She maximises the zoom on the scope to drink in the details. Their clothes are all alike, unadorned, white; there is no fashion for the young in the Shining City, and their hair is of uniform cut. There is something formal about the way they stand and she wonders what it is that they do.
The formation is familiar, sparking the chip in her head to take action. It analyses the group, noting formation and age, and categorises them, popping the noun into Vesper’s brain: a choir. In the Shining City all young people are grouped into choirs from an early age. This keeps them from becoming too strongly attached to parents or siblings. Every six months the membership of a particular choir changes to prevent social bonds growing too deep. This way, loyalty to the Empire is assured.
Vesper does not see social engineering or the sparks being slowly stifled. She sees mystery and is hungry for more.
For a time, she watches, noting every movement and gesture. She has no idea what they discuss but is certain every word is fascinating.
She does not notice the man until he is nearly upon her. He appears as a giant in the scope, a portion of pale scalp suddenly filling her vision. With a shriek she falls backwards, sending the kid scurrying back up the hill and out of sight.
Embarrassed, she sits up, looks a second time. Without the scope the man is much less scary. His clothes are black, robust, and a badge of the winged eye stands proud on his collar. His hair is red and wiry and struggles to escape, springing wide on the other side of his hairband. One of the Lenses, like the visitor her uncle spoke of.
‘Hello,’ she says, giving a hesitant wave.
The man looks up the hill at her. ‘Good afternoon, Vesper.’
‘You know my name?’
‘Yes, we’ve met. A long time ago. I helped your father once, got him into Six Circles and across the sea. My name is Genner, did he ever mention me?’
‘Nope.’
Genner stiffens. ‘As I said, it was a long time ago.’
‘Are you here to see him?’
‘I’m here to help him. At least I would be if he’d let me.’
She nods, knowing exactly what he means. ‘You think he needs help, too?’
‘I have a feeling he will soon. Do you think you could persuade him to come out and talk?’
‘I don’t know. He’s …’
‘He’s what? It’s very important you tell me, Vesper.’
Words come and go, none fit. She shrugs. ‘Difficult. Something’s going on but he won’t tell me what it is.’
He comes and sits beside her and they both look out towards the city as he talks. ‘I’m one of the Lenses. We watch for trouble and when it comes we guide the Seraph Knights and the armies of the Winged Eye to where they’re needed in order to protect us.’
‘You know Seraph Knights?’
‘Oh, yes. I even give them orders from time to time.’ He takes a moment, enjoying the awe on her face, then sighs. ‘Something is very wrong in the south, Vesper. The Seven feel it in their sanctum, and we’re sure Gamma’s sword feels it too. We need your father to take up the sword again, and when he does, I intend to make sure he isn’t alone.’
Vesper is quiet while clouds flit by, fluffy, incongruous. ‘Is it dangerous?’
‘Yes.’
‘What if he doesn’t want to do it?’
‘It doesn’t matter if he wants to or not. There is nobody else.’ He takes his gaze from the sky and turns it on her. ‘What I really want to do is burst in there and order him to help us. But your father is chosen of The Seven, it puts him beyond my authority. I need him to come of his own free will. I need you to talk to him.’
She gets up. ‘My father is a hero. When he realises how bad things are, he’ll help, I know he will.’
‘So you’ll talk to him?’
‘Yes.’
He waves to her as she runs back up the hill. ‘Winged Eye watch over you.’
At dinner, the scrape of knife on plate sounds sharp in the ear, the noises of eating too loud. Harm’s banter is subdued and her father’s attention fixed on food barely touched. Vesper glances at the two of them, uncertain of her chances. She tries anyway.
‘I was thinking, now I’m older, it might be time to see more of the world.’
A frown appears on her father’s face.
Harm reaches for her hand, finds it and gives it a squeeze. ‘Your father and I were talking just the other day, about how fast you’re growing, every time we turn our backs it seems!’ Her father’s frown deepens. ‘But to be safe out there–’ he nods towards the Shining City ‘– we feel there are still things you need to learn. To be safe—’
‘What if you came with me? Both of you. We could go to the Shining City. It isn’t far. That way I could see things and you’d know I was safe.’
Her father gets up, collecting the used plates, and Harm replies, ‘Now isn’t a good time.’
Vesper’s face darkens. ‘It’s never a good time.’
‘I know it feels that way.’
‘I’m not a child any more.’ Her father looks round at that, an eyebrow raised. ‘I’m not! I know something is going on! And I want to help.’
She feels the weight of their attention, hesitates. ‘A man from the Lenses spoke to me today. He said things are getting bad. He said they need you to be a hero again, like you used to be, and this time I want to come with you.’ Her father s
hakes his head and she falters. When she finds her voice again it is small. ‘You’re going to leave me behind.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Harm soothes. ‘We’re not leaving you behind. We’re not going anywhere. Everything’s fine.’
‘That’s not what the man said.’
Harm nods sadly. ‘Things out there are never fine. Even before the Breach there were wars and plagues and floods, and goodness knows what else. We can’t look after the world.’ He glances at her father. ‘We’ve learnt that the hard way. But we can look after each other.’
‘He said father had to do it. He said there isn’t anyone else that can bear Gamma’s sword.’
‘That sword can speak for itself. If it wanted to be used again, we’d know about it by now.’
‘But it does!’
‘I doubt that.’
‘I’ve heard it and so has he.’
‘That’s enough,’ warns Harm.
She looks at her father for confirmation but sees only his back as he does the dishes. A frown of her own appears, a tiny mirror of her father’s. Tears of frustration build, and the discussion ends, abrupt, unsatisfactory, with no mention of Genner or the threat to the Shining City.
The frown stays with her for the rest of the day, a constant companion.
Vesper snaps awake, heart pounding. She sits up, peering into the comfortable dark of her room. She is alone. This surprises her. She was sure of the opposite. Bare feet slip onto cold floor and she pads to the window. Outside, the only lights are distant, unable to penetrate the moat of darkness at the base of the hill.
The house seems quiet. Vesper waits for her pulse to settle and listens. She begins to detect the soft murmur of Uncle Harm’s voice and beneath it … something else. She frowns, unable to place the sound. It is a kind of humming, more felt than heard. It stirs the blood. She remembers the sound from earlier in the day, and her father’s fear.
When it comes to sneaking through the house, Vesper knows all of the tricks. Squeaky boards are avoided, obstacles skillfully stepped around or over. Her door is opened just enough, so slow as to be silent. Soon she creeps past her parents’ room.