by L. C White
“That’s it Amber,” I encourage, as a swell of love and relief washes over me.
I come up on my knees behind her body, touching her, feeling her fragile chest breathing in life.
“He… he…” She shivers in my arms, turning to face me.
“Shush, Amber. He’s gone.” My hands lie on her cheeks, my head presses against hers, and our tears fall together.
I kiss her eyes, her head, and her lips, then bring her into my chest.
“We need to move,” the Commander says.
I stand up, lifting Amber’s body up into my arms, and step over the short bow of the boat.
We march across the beach, and Jimmy joins us. We don’t speak, we just move with our eyes on constant lookout. There’s always the strong possibility in war of a surprise encore.
My heavy sodden boots stop when I hear crying behind us. I turn to see that maid, Jenny, weeping over Trent’s washed up body. I smirk as she looks over at me and Amber. He doesn’t deserve any tears. He deserves to rot for an eternity for what he’s done.
Amber sighs and quivers in my arms, her head tilting to look at Jenny briefly.
“Amber, it’s over now.”
She turns her body up into mine.
***
I lie Amber down in the back of the van, pulling a blanket around her shoulders, as the guys watch the Russians waiting for me outside. She gazes up at me and our eyes become ensnared in each other. I huff out, shaking my head as I notice the needle track marks on her arm. One battle she has overcome, but it’s only been replaced by another. I bite down, running my hand over her bruised cheekbone.
“I’ll be back in a minute.” I go to jump down out of the van, but her fingers grip my hand weakly to stop me.
“Don’t leave me,” she whispers.
“I won’t. Jimmy here.” I turn to Jimmy who’s waiting by the door. “He’s going to make sure nothing happens to you. “I swear, I’ll be right back.”
I jump out onto the road, and walk to what looks like a playground stare-off.
“Mr. Schofield, your impatience has caused the death of one of my men,” Gustave says.
“Are we done now?” I ask, unbothered.
Vadik looks me up and down. “You have one week.”
My eyes widen, surprised to hear the asshole’s voice.
“A week for what?” James asks.
“To disappear,” Gustave replies. “When our organization takes over the business side of things, Mr. Moore’s loyal subjects will want to see that we have taken care of the mess.”
“So you’re telling me, if Dwayne is found, you’ll kill him?” the Commander asks.
“It is purely professional that we are seen as having taken control,” Gustave says.
“Fine,” I state aloud, wanting to put this whole fucked-up mess behind me, and concentrate on Amber. “But if you so much as go near anyone of my colleagues here, you’ll be the next person to have a bullet go through their skull.”
“What about Layton, Trent’s twisted buddy?” James asks with a hint of anger in his tone.
Gustave grins up at Vadik. “Layton Masters will be under my control, soon enough.”
“Good,” I say, pointing my finger. “Remember, I’ve done you a favor. You go near my friends, then you will pay,” I warn.
I glare at him as he chuckles at me. “Mr. Schofield, you would make an excellent addition to our organization.”
“We are done,” I affirm, turning to walk back to the van.
“It was a pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Schofield.”
I shake my head as I jump back up into the van.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Dwayne
She hasn’t spoken a word. She’s shell-shocked and scared. Confused and still lost on that beach.
Jimmy slides the shutter door shut, as James and the Commander talk about the next strategic move. None of it matters to me. Amber is attached to me, her fingers stroking my chest with a shaky touch to check that I’m real. This is the only place I want to be. This is the place I’m needed the most.
I take her into the small storeroom, and close the door with the heel of my boot. Every minute that goes by, her body feels cooler. I crouch down and lie her on the small makeshift bed, made up from the cushions from the sofa, and clean blankets from the van.
Her head hits the cushion, and as I slip my arm out from beneath her, our eyes connect. My nostrils flare out a breath as I shake my head, emotions getting the better of me. Our relationship has always teetered on the edge of the unknown. There’s always been this veil that hides what might lie in our future: more violence, more lost years, more pain. All we have right now is this room.
Her hand comes up to cover my cheek. “Thank you,” she says in a weak quiet voice.
“No Amber. You don’t thank me for a thing.”
I swallow down as my eyes lower. I hold a breath, seeing dry blood on my forearm. It’s not mine, and now I’m worrying I missed something when I quickly checked her body over for injuries in the van.
“Amber, you’re hurt.”
She doesn’t even cringe or bother, just continues to gaze at me in a trance like state.
“Not anymore,” she says in a soft voice, completely numb to her surroundings, feelings, maybe even me.
My hands wrap around her arms. I gently pull her body up to my bent knees to look over her shoulder. I close my eyes, thankful to see only a small graze and cut, probably inflicted on her sweet body when Trent held her under the water.
“I need to clean that.”
I move back to look in her eyes, making sure she’s balanced and isn’t going to drop back down onto the bed. My heart pains each time our view meets. I can see the damage cause by years of abuse and drug use. She has that drowsy expression. It’s like one demon has gone, only to make way for another. Dina was right, she needs help, and it’s help I can’t give to her. I hoped that maybe she’d be fine. We could scrap the whole rehab idea, because once Trent was gone, she’d miraculously be okay. But she’s far from okay.
I crouch back down at her back, opening the first aid case. She’s so still, staring vacantly at the wall in front of her. I rip open an antiseptic wipe and gulping down, I move the strap of her nightgown aside.
“This.” I hesitantly hold the wipe a millimeter from her skin. “This is going to sting a little, Amber.”
I begin to dab the dry bloody wound softly, and she doesn’t even flinch, like she’s deadened to all pain. So used to it now, nothing hurts anymore.
I remain quiet, overwhelmed, but also nervous to have her back. I’m no therapist. I have no clue how to help her. At the cabin it was different, I saw flashes of what she was eight years ago. But Trent has somehow erased them in the space of a week.
My fingers rummage through the first aid kit to take out a band-aid as big as the palm of my hand. I pull off the back, then cover the two inch graze and small cut, gently.
I go to stand up, but her hand reaches out to take mine.
“Stay,” she utters up at me, desperation coating her exhausted eyes.
Of course I’m going to fuckin stay. Nothing can keep me away. I lie my hand on her cheek and nod, standing up to tear my damp t-shirt over my head, and flick off my boots.
She coils up on her side as I switch off the light. I squat down and crawl up behind her, wrapping my arms around her body. Her tiny frame is tailor made to fit perfectly into me. I’ll keep her safe and warm for now.
Her hand sweeps over my forearm to coax me to hold her tighter.
“What now?” she asks faintly. “You’re going to have to leave me again, aren’t you? I heard Jimmy and James talking outside.”
I embrace her tighter. “Amber.” I exhale away the tension. “It’s going to be nothing like before. I can’t stay, I’m a wanted man. And you.” I pause, closing my eyes, feeling her sullen sigh in my arms. “You need to start living again, and I can’t give you the help you need right now.”
“I know.” She bre
athes out a low breath.
I shuffle up to rest on my elbow, looking down at her through a dim shard of light shining through the door.
“I’ll be with you, may be not in person, but I’m going to make sure you get through this.” My fingers run down her hair, watching her eyes glass over and glint up at me. “Remember what I told you about kicking your ass through that dark tunnel, until you make it out onto the other side. Well it wasn’t just words, Amber. It’s a fuckin promise. You need to find yourself. And when you have, a door will open up to you. You’ll have choices. If you want to come back to me, you can. Or if you want to start afresh somewhere else, you can.”
I bite down, knowing that I may have to allow her to find happiness elsewhere. When this is truly over for her, she could be anything she wants to be. And I can live with that. I can live with it, because I know she’ll be safe.
“I cannot see me without you, Dwayne,” she says, sniffing away a private sob.
My lips curl up as I fill with love, squeezing her just that bit firmer.
“Then you’ll never have to.”
“What will happen to you?” she asks.
I smile down at her. “Nothing is going to happen to me. Nothing is going to happen to you. That part of your life, you have to put behind you, and I’ll be waiting, Amber. I’m never going to let anything come between us again. Do you understand that?”
“Yes, but I’m scared Dwayne. What if I can’t do it?” her tone splinters.
“You can do it, and we have all the time in the world, Amber.” I lean down and kiss her forehead, tenderly. “I’m planning on spending the rest of my life with you. I don’t care where we are, or how hard it’s going to be. I’m going to make you smile.” I gulp down the bulge in my throat. “I’m going to make you happy. I’m going to touch you in the right way. Love you until I have no breath left in me.” I watch her lips press together as a tear falls over her cheek. “We can never be separated because my heart is yours, and yours is mine. Always has been. And no shitty circumstance, no amount of time or distance can change that.” I wipe her tears away with my thumb, choking back on my own words. “Do you believe me?”
“Yes,” she whispers, her hand coiling around the back of my neck.
“Get some sleep, Amber.” I kiss her lips then lie down, binding my body around hers.
***
I snuck away from Amber’s sleeping body as soon as I woke. Five whole hours of serene sleep with her in my arms, has rejuvenated me. I should be on edge. I’m now an outlaw, wanted by the corrupt and the criminal underworld. But I’m not. The sun is shining. Amber is away from that world. And so what if my retirement isn’t going as I planned, I’ll figure it out.
The Commander packs his things into the van. Everything has been cleared out, and all evidence we have been here, burnt in the trashcan outside. All guns, ammo, and combat wear, has been packed away.
James approaches me, holding out a mug of coffee. I squint, taking it from him.
“Thanks,” I say.
“How is she?” he asks.
“Okay, I think.” I take a swig of the strong black lukewarm coffee.
“You’ve told her the plan of action?”
“Yeah. She knows.” I exhale a long breath.
“Jimmy has some of his daughter’s clothes for her to change into, then he’s going to take her to the retreat.”
“She’s still sleeping,” I say, not wanting to think about saying goodbye to her.
“I know.” He pats my back. “And how you doing in all this?”
I shake my head as I lean over the railing. It’s all been organized, because the Commander likes to organize things, even though I’m no longer in his unit. I’m going to be flying out to Havana Cuba, tomorrow. A pit stop before they go back to basecamp in San Diego. I’ll be meeting with a guy call Marlow there (also ex-marine) to pick up the keys for a beach house I’ll be renting. My security business, Safe Hands, has been signed over to Jimmy who will run things for me. And I have new creditable ID’s. Everything has changed, but as long as Amber is safe, I can deal with it.
“I’m good.”
“No you’re fuckin not. Who would be? I saw your face on the cover of the San Francisco Star this morning. That will be Layton Masters.”
“Yeah well, as long as Gustave keeps his word, then it won’t be long before Layton is dealt with.”
“I should have shot that fucker when I had the chance.”
“Just forget about it now,” I grumble, not wanting to think about anymore possible fuck ups. “As long as we are all out of the picture, I’m not bothered. We lie low, and let the fuckin Cobra battle it out with them.”
I take another swig of my coffee as the Commander approaches. “Dwayne, James and I are going to collect our transport. Be here at zero-four hundred hours. I suggest you say your goodbyes.” He looks over my shoulder.
My eyes follow his stare to see Jimmy handing Amber a pile of fresh clothing. I blow out, realizing how much these guys have done for me. I turn to James, setting my coffee down on the crate, then hold out my hand. He grabs it and yanks me close for a man hug, patting my back.
“Don’t get killed while we’re gone.” He sniffs and backs off, unable to contain his emotions as he walks to the van.
The Commander steps in front of me. “Dwayne, thanks for the adventure. But I think I’ll take a pass on the next one.” He smiles. “Be ready for when the chopper lands.” He pats my forearm, then jogs toward the van.
I make my way through the shutter door, watching as Amber takes the clothes into the storeroom. Jimmy steps in front of me and I come to a stop.
“Dwayne, you have an hour, then we’re going to have to leave.”
“Is she going to be alright there?” I ask, concerned more about letting her go than her health.
“Yeah, sure she is. It’s all that tranquil peace shit. Not my kind of thing, but she needs it. My sister will fix her up, don’t you worry about that.” He pulls the strap of a black holdhall over his shoulder, and heads outside to his Ford.
I close my eyes, resting my head on the door. I’ve never been so conflicted in my entire fuckin life. I know she needs years’ worth of help. But there’s a huge part of me that doesn’t want to let her go all over again. The way I’m feeling now is selfish. I know I can’t get her head straight alone. The drugs have done way too much damage. One day she may be fine, and the next, clawing the walls to get away from me.
I tap on the door, taking in air to try and calm the hell down. She opens only a few inch, propping her head against the frame with sorrow in her eyes, because she knows where this is going. With tears beginning to fall, she opens the door fully, and takes my hand to tug me inside.
I close the door and slowly turn to bring her body into mine. I gaze into her innocent eyes that haven’t aged a day, and sweep my hand down her arm to take the clean vest she’s holding. She takes a step back, ripping the dirty nightdress off her, like she’s tearing the past away from her skin. She stands before me naked, but we both know this isn’t going to lead to anything sexual. I’m taking care of her only.
I thread the vest over her head. She tugs it down, keeping her eyes on her bare feet. I lift her face to mine to see more tears flowing over her cheeks than I can handle. My fingers scour through her hair, to bring and press her head against my chest.
“You’re going to have to be the strongest you’ve ever been. You’re going to have to think of nothing other than yourself. You’re going to have to learn to live life all over again. And soon, real soon, we’ll meet again.”
“You swear it.” She draws back to look up at me.
I smile down at her, cupping her face in my hands. “I swear it.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Amber
I’m sitting with my back against my favorite tree here, watching the shade of the hanging willow branches, dancing over my pumps. I have the nib of my pen pressed on the fortieth page of my diary, and for the first t
ime since I arrived here at: Wellness Springs Rehab Centre, I have nothing to write.
It’s been forty-two days since I said goodbye to Dwayne; forty-three since I last poisoned my body and mind with cocaine. And the road, right up until this very day, has been the most difficult journey I’ve been on yet. The pages in this book contain anger, self-loathing, and pain. Memories of not only the abuse from a man’s hand, but the abuse I’ve caused to myself.
On each page I’ve shed my horror story, and with each one grown brighter. Each day I will scan over the words from front to back, to read how far I’ve come. I now realize the drugs were a blanket to hide beneath, and in order to move forward, I had to rid that cover. I know I will never fully heal, but being in the light, is much better than walking alone in the dark. Today is my final day, and this is the last chapter I have to conclude. In one hours’ time, I’ll be on my way to see Dwayne, and all I can think of is him.
Every day he’s spoken to me over the phone, and after not seeing him for years, that’s been enough to encourage me. Enough to spur me to fight my monsters. He’s my world, my heart, he saved me, and he’s the one reason I’ve got through this. The damage I’ve done to myself will remain a big part of me. But the scars are now fading, and the abuse and the drugs, don’t define me anymore. I’m just trying, for the first time in years, to be a girl and not the victim. I want to live for something else. I want to live for Dwayne.
Jimmy’s Sister, Evelin, walks across the emerald green soft lawn, holding a white box with a huge grin on her face. She’s such a wonderful kind-hearted soul, who has worked her ass off to get me where I am. I’ve cursed her. Hid away from her words of sense. Once I even ran. But she always pulled me back, like what my mother never did for me. She’s wise, and was once in the same position as I was: homeless, addicted, and lost. Like Dwayne is my remedy, she found hers during pregnancy. She found it in her son. Soon after she got herself clean, she began charity work on the streets of California, opening up this secluded retreat, set in natural beauty on the outskirts of Jackson’s State Park.