by Natasha Kent
And when you least expect it,
You come upon the places you find love.
Love, remember!
In a flash the feeling can hit you
After all the times that it’s missed you
Reachin’ deep inside, to find your secret heart, yeah, yeah!
Look around you notice you’re flyin',
And for once you’re not even tryin'
City lights below you, like a million tiny stars.
Oh it’s a river never stopping, winding in and out
You should never doubt it will lead you
Into the ocean someday
There’s no way to fight it, let it carry you away.
Everybody’s dreamin’, waitin’ for the feelin’
That moment when they finally rise above.
But it’s always in the giving that gets you to
The places you find love.
Remember!
In the poorest part of town,
Where the sun never reaches the ground
Seein’s not believe, the feelin’ stays alive, yeah, yeah!
Little children laughin’ and playin’,
‘Cause they haven’t learned to start hatin’
Never givin’ up! No. 'Cause they still believe in love sweet love”
It was Babs and I had the cd. It’s a great cd called “Till I Loved You.” I tried to tell Amanda about it but she stopped me.
“Shut up and let me hear it,” she said. I handed it over and I watched her moving to the beat. “Wow,” she said when it finished. “You think he’s trying to say something?” she had a big smile on her face.
I couldn’t believe it. What a fantastic fucking way to pass a note! “Oh God, I hope so.”
“See,” she said laughing, “I told you y’all were gonna get'cha some!”
I laughed at her. “You’re nuts gal! C’mere.” I grabbed here in a bear hug.
“Ugg. Can’t breath!” she gasped.
“I can’t either,” I said.
“Shut up. You’re acting like a chick,” she said.
I laughed again. “Well, I gotta go see if ‘music has a lot to say.’” Amanda laughed at my corny joke while I took my walkman and the other cd and headed downstairs.
Matt was standing at the island cleaning up after his breakfast. Everyone else was sort of hanging out around the island too which was going to make it impossible to say anything to him. Maybe.
As I walked up he looked up at me, then to the walkman and disk. I stood near him and acted like I was looking for something in the cabinets. “So they’re from you?” The others were involved in their own conversations and weren’t really paying attention to us.
“Yep,” he said, still cleaning.
I stood at the counter and put a pan on the cooktop. I was breathing kinda heavy. “The first one brought back some great memories,” I said, flipping on the gas. “Only one thing about the second one, though.”
He froze. “What’s that?”
“The lyrics say ‘no time to be impressed’?” I said.
“Uh huh?”
I stood next to him, shoulder to shoulder and said, “It was instant for me.” I smiled watching the others and I could tell he looked at me out of the corner of his eye.
“What was instant?” Sonya said. She must’ve heard me.
“Oh, I just hate instant coffee,” I said, trying to cover myself.
“Ugg, I know. Maybe we can head over to Starbucks?” she asked.
“Sounds good. Lemme eat first.” She returned to her conversation. Everyone was oblivious to us.
“Really?” he muttered. “Instant.”
“You have no idea,” I said mixing up a few eggs.
“Wow,” he said softly. He walked behind me and was heading towards the bedroom when he leaned over and whispered, “Privacy?”
“What, you want some?” I said grinning.
He laughed. “No. Cameras,” he said looking up and around.
“Got it. Not a problem.” Hey, I could wait, what, seven more weeks, right? I could, couldn’t I? Oye vey! I hoped so. He walked towards the bedroom. Dammit, what a fine ass!
“Want some sausage, Matty?” I asked, taking it out of the refrigerator. He turned and smiled at me.
“Maybe later,” he said.
“Um…kielbasa?” He burst out laughing at this.
“You’re a piece of work, Martin,” he said.
“You wanna piece of what?” This time we were being loud and goofy for the others’ entertainment.
But I could hardly breathe. It looked like he and I wanted the same thing: each other.
Seven weeks of waiting? Oh God, can I do it? I asked myself. Can I wait that long? It’d be a long, hard wait. Ay-yi-yi!
“Want some sausage, Matty?” I asked, taking it out of the refrigerator. He turned and smiled at me.
“Maybe later,” he said.
“Um…kielbasa?” He burst out laughing at this.
“You’re a piece of work, Martin,” he said.
“You wanna piece of what?” This time we were being loud and goofy for the others’ entertainment.
But I could hardly breathe. It looked like he and I wanted the same thing: each other.
Seven weeks of waiting? Oh God, can I do it? I asked myself. Can I wait that long? It’d be a long, hard wait. I-yi-yi!
* * * * * * * * *
No time to worry about that now. We all headed out to see a movie and then grabbed some dinner at Chili’s. It was really fun just hanging out with everyone and I was glad that I had decided to participate in the show. Telling my parents that I was gay was really a huge burden lifted. I should have known that they’d be ok with it. Even though I was raised going to church my parents never really were stringent Christians, meaning they didn’t take everything in the Bible literally. Usually people who do will live their life strictly by one part and not another perhaps more difficult part. Know what I’m saying? Yeah, you do.
I guess, too, that the crowd I was with had me pretty relaxed. We were all in our late 20’s and since none of us were raging maniacs everyone seemed to have a cool attitude towards me. While we were eating, a few people asked me questions about me being gay. At first I thought it was bizarre that they’d ask but then figured, if you meet a mechanic and you don’t know what mechanics do then you’d ask him questions, right? Sure you would.
Amanda had the most questions—surprise!
“So Mike how many guys have you dated?” she asked during dinner.
“Well, not a whole helluva lot.”
“What, are you picky?” Albert, who was sitting next to Matt, asked with a grin.
“Yeah,” I said looking at Matt quickly “I’m fairly picky. Some guys just don’t do it for me.”
“What kind?” asked Eddie. Poor onion farmer.
“Guys who—“
“aren’t like Matt!” Amanda interrupted and everyone laughed. I gave her one of my mean Italian looks and kicked her under the table.
“Oof! I was just kidding. Bastard.”
I laughed at her.
“I’ve dated a few guys but none of them lasted more than two or three dates. I’m a bit of a loner, I guess,” I said with a smile.
“But you’re working on that, aren’t you Martin.” Matt said.
He was sitting a bit diagonal from me so I slipped one of my knees between both of his, not trying to be overtly sexual. I just wanted to touch him. “Yes sir, I am.”
“Where do you normally meet guys?” Jessica asked.
“On reality television shows.” Everyone laughed at this. I chuckled too. “I don’t know. I meet plenty of guys at church, but usually they’re married. Plus we’re at church, so what am I gonna do, right? Usually it’s a friend of a friend sort of thing.”
“You go to church?” from Amanda, who looked somewhat surprised.
“Yeah.” Duh! “Don’t you know any guys who go to church?”
“Well yeah,” she said, “it
’s just I don’t know many gay guys who do.”
“Oh well. I can sort of understand why, but there’s a lot more than just the ‘abomination’ thing mentioned in the Bible. We can’t all agree with everything all the time. If we did we’d all be myrmidons,” I said.
“What’s that?” Sonya asked.
“It means ‘mindless followers’. I just can’t take one or two sentences out of the whole Bible, which in my opinion and understanding, was written by many men over a long period of time, and turn my back against church.”
“Really.” Matt said.
“Well yeah. I always find peace whenever I read something from Psalms. Sometimes ya gotta take the bad with the good. I mean,” I sort of laughed “that’s life. Plus my church has an awesome band. I used to only like traditional church music, but they’re a great band and being there while they play live really gets me on my feet.”
“But you like to drink—isn’t that sorta hypocritical?” Carla asked.
“How could it be? I’m not telling anyone else not to drink. And I don’t normally drink like I did last weekend. There’s lots of nice people at my church and I like to sit and talk. I’m a regular yenta,” I said and they all laughed..
“What if they found out that you were gay?” Matt asked.
“I don’t know. I bet I could cause a stir if I dressed in drag and danced with the preacher on his front lawn.” They again laughed at this. “I’m sure that there’d be some who wouldn’t care for me, but I’m not ‘in your face’ with my sexuality. Never have been. ‘Cause it ain’t nobody’s bidness!” I smiled. Matt pressed his knees together, holding mine in place. I looked at him and winked. He just smiled back.
After dinner we went back to the studio and just hung out some more. Not a whole lot to do. Matt wasn’t saying much. I knew he was nervous about his baby-raper step dad coming. Well, maybe not nervous, but anxious. I stuck by him pretty closely all night.
The next day was pretty routine. It was really pretty out while Matt and I jogged over to the park. We decided to give me a break from the workout machines for a day, which I was glad for. However we didn’t really talk that much. Me, because I didn’t feel the need to hear my own voice; Matt, well understandably he had other things on his mind so I respected his space.
The afternoon flew by. Everyone was supposed to be there between 6:00 and 6:30. The families scheduled that night were Amanda’s, Carla’s, Eddie’s and Matt's. Mine were to come with the others next week. They were going to bring Grandma too, so that should be fun. Seriously, my grandma is the biggest hoot you’ll meet. She’s Dad’s mother and shares our sense of humor. Runs in the family.
Before we knew it 6:00 had rolled up and we heard the doorbell ring. There was a huge commotion as Amanda answered the door and introduced us all to her parents. Her mom was just as big as a spaz as Amanda—surprise! Her dad seemed like a really nice guy, though.
Eddie’s parents arrived next. “Y’all don’t look like onion farmers,” someone said to them. They looked really “uptown” as Grandma would say, he in a really nice suit and she in a nice cocktail dress. “We live here in town near Buckhead. Eddie’s the farm boy,” his dad said smiling. “And he’s doing a fantastic job running the place!”
Carla’s folks arrived next, and boy were they quiet. They had come down from Helen, where they moved after Carla graduated high school to run a bed and breakfast. Again, they both seemed like really nice people—when they talked!
All of the parents got a tour and everyone was having a nice time. I could tell that Matt was still a little antsy. I don’t care what he said, the guy was nervous. To tell you the truth, I still didn’t understand why his mom and step-dad were coming at all.
We were all standing around (in some cases sitting) eating some of the wonderful food that had been catered to us by the show when the doorbell rang. I looked at Matt and saw the blood drain from his face. I brushed passed him and said, “Let me get this.”
I opened the door and said “Hi y’all doin’? Y’all come own in!” Yes, I said “own.” In some situations I lay on the country accent a bit much. “I’m Frank Black” he said extending his hand, but I just interrupted him and gestured over to the food saying “Please, help yourself to some food.” Matt’s mom came in looking a bit primed. I’m surprised she didn’t hiccup. If she had her head may have fallen off.
Matt leaned over to give his mom a kiss on the cheek, and stood back up with his hands in his pockets. “Frank,” he said.
“Matt,” he said back.
“Y’all, this is my mother Sandy and her husband Frank,” he introduced them to us all. I made sure to keep my eyes on Frank. Sandy never strayed far from the punch bowl. Frank was trying to make the rounds and you could tell he was a charmer. I guess you’d have to be if you're a child molester.
I swear I only took my eyes off of him for one second, but about an hour after they arrived I saw no sign of Matt or Frank. Uh oh. Sandy needed a wheelbarrow to get her over to the couch. I checked out the bedrooms: no Matt or Frank. Then I asked Amanda where they had gone.
“Who?” she asked.
“Matt and Frank.”
“Oh. I think they went upstairs.” Oh shit!
“Thanks hon.”
“Hey, is everything alright?” she asked.
“No. No I don’t think so.” I grabbed a couple of drinks and ran up the stairs. When I got there I could see the two of them on the balcony, and you could hear them arguing with each other even with the doors closed. Frank was standing nearest the door with an empty glass in his hand.
I opened the door with one hand while I balanced two drinks in the other. “You didn’t have to do that” Frank said, reaching for a glass.
“I didn’t,” I said as I walked on past him, handing the drink to Matt. “Y’all doin’ alright?” I asked, looking at Matt.
“We’re just fine,” Frank said. “Actually Mark we were in the middle of something, if you don’t mind.”
“Actually I don’t mind, and the name’s Mike,” I corrected him. “I think I’ll stay.” He just glared at me.
“What, you need a protector now, Matt?” Frank asked. If looks could kill then Matt’s dagger-like eyes would have done the trick.
“The only time I needed protection was when I was living in your house.” Oh shit. So that’s what I had walked in on.
“Seems like Matt doesn’t like me to talk badly about his brother Johnny,” Frank said to me with a sneer.
“You made him what he is today,” Matt hissed at him.
Frank laughed. “Please. Look how great you turned out.” I looked over at Matt who’s eyes were wild with anger. Time to step in, I thought.
“Really Matt, Frank didn’t rape me and I turned out gay.” As I said this I turned to look at Frank, raised my eyebrows and nodded toward him.
“You’re a faggot,” he stated more than asked.
“Actually Frankie, we like the term ‘gay’.” I smiled really big. I’ll be the first to admit that I know how to antagonize someone, at least someone like Frank.
“You suck cock?” he asked.
I shifted my weight a little and said, “Why, you interested? Oh wait a minute” I said, throwing my hands in the air and turning towards Matt, “you can’t be interested! I’m over the age of 13!” At this Matt looked down at me. I couldn’t really read his eyes.
“Fuck you, pillow biter,” he growled.
“Pillow biter!” I laughed out loud. “Is that all you got? Shouldn’t you be attending a NAMBLA picnic or something?” I asked, “or maybe Neverland Ranch?”
I had forgotten that Matt said Frank’s temper was really short, but remembered really quickly when he hurled his glass through the air at me, yelling “FUCK YOU.” It all happened so fast and Amanda had to tell me later what happened. Apparently the glass hit Matt as I ducked and then he rushed at Frank, who grabbed him by the shirt, spun him around and slammed him really hard into the glass door. The window spider-webbed a
round where his head hit it and he put his hands to his head, squinted his eyes shut and slid down to the floor.
I took my glass and threw it right into Frank’s face where it shattered. Then I tripped him onto the floor, stood over him and just started beating the shit out of his face. I kept hitting him, thinking about how he’d hurt Matt—not only just then on the patio but when Matt and John were boys. Over and over I punched him in the face until I felt arms behind me pulling me back into the studio. Frank stood up and went to charge me but I kicked him really hard in the gut and then in the face. That was all she wrote. I tried to get away so I could get back to Matt but the others were holding me back.