by Anna del Mar
She raised her chin in the air. “I liked what Eva did to me.”
I could only stare at her.
“I liked it because it was for you.”
She looked powerful as she stood up. Her mouth set in that stubborn line that drove me insane. And the way she was dressed—or not. She was my erotic fantasy made flesh. How was I supposed to ignore those little tassels dangling from her nipples?
The dam containing the flashbacks gave way. I couldn’t patch up the breach. My mind went off, detonating with random images, bursting with pain, fear and rage.
CLEAR!. There was Lily at the gala, at the cove, on my plane, at the house. I pushed Riker out of the way, but Roberts and Santos were dead. I dug Riker and Mac out of the rubble. Amman’s hand was blown off, but I managed to tie a tourniquet and hand him over to Riker. Back, I had to go back into the smoke. Mac shouted for me to stay out. Fire. The smell of charred flesh. Chavez’s bloody face was a mess. I could barely drag him out. He was so heavy.
Get a hold of yourself.
At the gala. Lily defended Chavez and Marie Therese. Poe leered. “Fuck my wife,” he said. “Fuck her hard.” You matter to me. The Vagabond exploded. Lily floated in the ocean. And all that pain, burning through my heart...
A sound rose from among the dead. Someone praised Allah. The grenade wobbled out of the pile and bounced into the Vagabond, blowing Lily to pieces...
The only easy day was yesterday.
Lily dead on the deck. Me, blowing breath into her lungs, pressing hard on her heart—shit—Lily bruised and battered at the hospital. The frag, detonating among all those rigged explosives. I could save Lily or I could save the guys, but I couldn’t save them all.
Put the pedal to the metal!
I wanted to run but I couldn’t. Something was wrong with me. I tripped. On my boot. My foot was still in it. Shredded muscles and spurting arteries dangled from it. I clutched it against my chest.
Put it back, I said. Put it back, damn it!
Can’t, the corpsman said.
Got to give it up. Got to give them up. Got to give her up.
Darkness. CLEAR! Jolt. Light, and pain, pain so bad I wanted to die again.
“Josh?” Lily’s voice broke through the racket. “Look at me. Stick with me.”
“Lily,” I mumbled, raking my fingers through my hair. “I—I can’t do this. You have to go. Won’t work. What you want—I tried. Nothing to give.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to dispel images, sounds, scents, memories, all those flashbacks pummeling me at once...
“Josh, listen to me.” Lily’s voice cut through noise. “You’re wrong. You’ve shown me before. You have so much to give.”
“When?” I said. “How?”
“Before you left,” she said. “You showed me that you’re loving, caring, generous.”
“Moody,” I said, “short-tempered, rude and insensitive.”
“Thoughtful, smart, diligent.”
“Selfish and harsh,” I countered. “Blunt, OCD and controlling.”
“Okay,” she said. “There might be some of that, but—”
I scoffed “Some of that?”
“—but you mean well, Josh, and you do well by others, and you’re also brave, trustworthy and passionate, all qualities that I want and admire.”
Logic had deserted my world. She didn’t make any sense. “You sent them away, all my people.”
“That’s because I can make it on my own.”
“You’re doing fine.” I dug my fingers into the mattress. “You don’t need me.”
“I might not need your people to manage my affairs.” She took a step toward me and then another. “I don’t need your money either. But you? I need you. I definitively want you in my life.”
“You want me?” The racket in my mind went dead silent. I was able to hear myself thinking again. Could it be true?
“Mac was right.” She tilted her head and smiled. “You might have the IQ of a genius, but you’ve got the EQ of a freakishly small lizard.”
“Jesus, Lily, you don’t know what you’re saying. You’re doing yourself a disservice. I... I can’t do this. I’ll drive you crazy, just like I drive myself crazy.”
“I think we could manage.”
“What you want... I can’t talk about it.”
“Then we’ll have to tackle it some other day,” she said with mind-blowing pragmatism.
“You don’t understand,” I said. “I can’t have you halfway. I have to have you all in and all for myself. I can’t live with the certainty that, sooner or later, you’re going to walk away.”
“Josh.” She held my face between her hands and, staring into my eyes, planted a kiss on my lips. “I’m not Gloria Renez.”
My heart soared but my gut floundered. “You know?” I stared. “About Gloria Renez?”
“I know everything that I need to know.”
I gulped. “Everything?”
“Yes.”
Her gaze consumed me with the passion I’d discovered in her soul. I knew at that moment that she saw me, not as I wanted to be, but rather exactly as I was.
“Gloria Renez is in the past.” Her certainty blew me away. “I’m here, now.”
“But you’ll leave me.”
“So instead you walked away first?”
Wham. She had a brutal way of kicking me in the gut.
“What if I end up screwing up your life?” I muttered. “What if you get hurt again? What am I supposed to do then?”
She shrugged. “You’d have to deal with it, like you did before, minus the running away part. If we stick together, we’ll live through sadness, anger and grief at some point. But that’s life, Josh, and I’d much rather live a short life with you than a long life without you.”
Were my ears playing tricks on me? Was I hearing right? From all the people in the world, Lily wanted to spend her life with me?
“All my life people have been telling me what to do,” Lily said. “First there were the problems with my dad. My mom, she saw me as someone weak who needed to be protected. Then came Martin. Well, forget Martin. At first, I thought you were more of that and yet you weren’t. You taught me to be strong, Josh, like you are. You taught me to face my fears and tackle my anxieties. You made me think. And you were right.”
“About what?”
“She has not learned the lesson of life who does not every day surmount a fear.”
“Caesar?”
“You forced me to figure out the cause of my fears,” she said. “I know why I get panic attacks every time I have to go a big party or a fancy event.”
“Why?”
“My dad,” she said. “He took me to the opening of his exhibition at the Museum of Art. I was twelve. I was standing next to him. We were surrounded by all these people, talking, asking questions, laughing. He began to sweat. He loosened his collar. He said, ‘Lily, I don’t feel too well.’ He collapsed right there on the floor. He died. All those faces pressed around me, screaming, shouting, staring...”
“Hell, Lily.” I wanted to hug her, but I didn’t dare. “I didn’t know you were there when he died.”
“Because of you, I can face my fears,” she said. “And for the first time in my life I know what I want and need for myself.”
Was this the same tentative woman I had met at the gala? Was this the same shy and reluctant girl I’d taken to my bed? Was she the same person who couldn’t stand eye contact and suffered panic attacks at the drop of a hat?
“The chemistry. The jolt. The intensity.” Her fingers traced the line of my jaw. “You and I, we were never an accident. We were sketched on the same canvas by a great master. We’re contrasts but complementary in the color wheel. We were put in this world to be with each other. Not just
to heal, Josh, but to heal each other, to heal together.”
I knew in that instant that she was right. She’d cut through the white noise in my head and identified exactly how I felt. The moment I had laid eyes on Lily I’d sensed she had been created for me. That’s why I’d reacted to her so strongly. That’s why she’d felt so damn good to my soul. That’s why I’d had gone to great lengths to create a situation in which she had to be mine.
It wasn’t just the Chavezes of the world that needed people like Lily. It was me who needed her, this woman. She was the reason why I’d survived, the link between my past and future, the bridge between me and my life. She’d been meant for me and I’d been meant to find her.
“What if this is it?” I braced my arms on the mattress. “What if this is the best my fucked-up brain can do?”
“It’s fine, more than fine,” she said. “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t like it that you left me. I hate that. But I came to get you because I want you, everything you’ve got, the good, the bad and the naughty.”
My gaze met hers. “The naughty, too?”
She caressed my face and nodded. “Yep.”
Her touch felt good, cool and fresh to my worries. “Lily, there’s stuff I can’t talk about.”
“I didn’t come here to talk.”
I was confused. “Then why did you come?”
“I want to fuck you,” she said.
“You want to fuck me?”
“Yes,” she said fiercely. “Now, without further delay.”
The corpsman’s shout was but a faint echo reaching from a great distance. Dead man’s back!
She kissed me again but this time, her lips lingered on my mouth and her tongue warmed me thoroughly. She slid my jacket over my shoulders and, after taking it off, hurled it out of the way. She pressed against me, pushing me softly onto the bed. I backtracked on my elbows, scooting across the mattress. She followed, crawling over me, kissing me, straddling my hips and settling down on my erection.
“Christ, Lily,” I said. “For your own good...”
“You left me.” She rubbed herself against my hard-on. “All those months. You were gone.”
“I thought it would be better for you.”
“It wasn’t.” She lifted up my shirt and leaned over me, running the little tassels dangling from her breasts up and down my chest, sending shivers of pleasure down my spine.
“I... I tried to do the right thing.”
“But it was the wrong thing.”
“You’re making it very hard for me.”
“Good.” She pulled my shirt over my head.
“I seduced you and then I hurt you.”
She flashed a wicked grin. “Who seduced who?”
Jesus fucking Christ.
Her fingers traced the chevron shaped scar below my ribs. After the doctors, no one else had ever touched that spot. I might have cringed and yet her touch felt natural to my body.
She sat back on my hips and fingered her little tassels. “You had these put on me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t mind them, Josh, I’m glad to wear them if you like them, but don’t you think I’ve been wearing them long enough?”
“Oh, hell, Lily, my head, it’s not on right, I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing,” she said. “Take them off.”
“But—”
“Take. Them. Off.”
This new assertive Lily was irresistible. I sat up on my elbow and, clutching one of her breasts, massaged it softly.
“Hang on, sweet,” I whispered. “This might sting a little...”
I released the clamp and shoved her nipple into my mouth, suckling as hard as I could to soothe the sting. She flinched and hissed at the same time. Her nipple tightened, trapped between my palate and my tongue. It was such an incredible feeling to suckle her again, to connect to her body’s instant reactions. Moving swiftly, I tackled the other tassel. Before she had time to think about it, I had the clamp off and her other nipple in my mouth. She groaned.
Need rumbled through my body. I couldn’t stand much more of this. I’d fought for these long months to forget Lily and now here I was, back to ground zero.
“Off.” She tugged on the corset laces. “I need it off. Please, Josh, take it off.”
I reached behind Lily’s back and, after undoing the laces, peeled off the corset. I faced an astonishing find. The corset’s intricate embroidery had translated almost exactly onto Lily’s skin. The elegant designs were imprinted over Lily’s rib cage with incredible precision.
I traced the swirling vines on her skin, making her blood flow again, enjoying the familiar shape of her body.
“Feels good,” she whispered, now stripped of all her clothes, except for the fishnet hose and the heels. “Feels wonderful.”
Her mouth descended on my lips. Her tongue filled my mouth with her flavors. My heart drummed a joyous beat. I seized on those lips like an addict. She kissed me, working her way down my chin, over my neck, between my nipples and down my stomach.
I reached out and squeezed her plump ass. It was still blushed from Eva’s attentions. On the mirror’s reflection, my handprint lingered, white on red. Pulling her cheeks apart, I brought my hand around to fondle her properly. I watched in awe as she undid my pants and released my erection.
I gasped when her hands fisted around my cock. She rubbed it between her palms. She kissed my blunt tip and swallowed it in one gulp. I arched into her mouth, reaching all the way to the back of her throat. She bent over me, fucking me with her lips, until I was delirious with lust and she’d lowered my jeans all the way down to my knees.
That’s when I realized what she was doing.
“Lily?” I pulled out of her mouth and scooted away from her.
“I don’t care,” she said, reaching for my boots. “I don’t give a hoot about what’s there or not.” She tugged on my laces and took off one boot first, then the other. “Don’t expect any sympathy from me.” I watched as my socks came off. “I need you. Now. No excuses.”
With a final tug, my pants were off and I was naked.
Lily caressed my leg all the way down to my artificial limb. “It feels totally real,” she said. “It’s why I didn’t notice it before.”
She reached out for the release button.
I grabbed her hand. “That won’t be necessary.”
“Do you need it to fuck me?” she asked.
I shook my head.
“I didn’t think you would.” She kissed my knuckles and disentangled her hand from mine. “I think it might be better if we just make this part go faster. Yes?”
I inclined my head. My mouth was dry as a husk.
She pushed the button and removed the prosthesis along with the liner as if she’d done so a thousand times before.
I don’t think one ever gets used to the absence of a limb that by right and nature should be present. I hadn’t and probably never would. I held my breath. I’m not sure what I feared most, exposure, staring, examination, commentary. Lily indulged in none of those. She didn’t flinch or look away. She didn’t pretend to ignore the gruesome injury either. On the contrary, she stroked what remained of my leg, caressing the mangled flesh without balking.
It was a part of me that no one ever touched. She startled me when she kissed the surgically shaped stump, working her way up my knee and thigh as she reached out for my cock, which, after a momentary lull, hardened in her grip.
Then she seemed to forget about my missing foot. She scooted up and straddled me. Her lower back curled in and out while her pussy’s delicate folds slid against my cock. The faint, translucent trail of her juices marked her territory along my erection. The blood surged to my cock. I was beyond hard.
“I don’t think I c
an wait any longer.” With a swipe of her hips, she caught my cock. “Ooooh.” She exhaled, gliding all the way down to my balls.
I groaned, caught in a wave of pure pleasure.
“Now see?” She leaned over me and kissed me on the lips. “That wasn’t nearly so difficult, was it?”
It hadn’t been difficult at all.
I claimed her mouth and kissed her, releasing months of pent-up desire. I closed my eyes and groaned as she slowly swiveled her hips.
When I opened my eyes again, Lily swayed on top of me. Trapped beneath her sumptuous body, I was a man, not a half man, not a cripple, not a man used to wearing a cutting edge, lifelike artificial limb, but a well-enjoyed, urgently-needed, well-on-the-way-to-being a thoroughly-fucked and fuckable man.
I could barely think. Why had I ever objected to this?
Because I was a proud fool, a feebleminded idiot, a sick coward. I’d feared pity, pity I wasn’t going to get from the merciless vixen fucking my brains off. I’d been a slave of my old wounds and now I was free.
“Look at me.” She ground her hips over mine. “Yes, that’s good, keep up the eye contact. You have beautiful eyes, Josh, drinkable eyes, whisky eyes. I lied to you. A while back. I told you I had one condition.”
“What?” I was having trouble following.
“I have more than one condition,” she said, “so we don’t fuck this up again. And you’re going to have to agree to all of my conditions, if you want me back.”
If I wanted her back? Jesus Christ, she had to know the answer to that.
“I like conditions,” I rasped. “I’m really good at conditions.”
She flashed her wickedest grin. “This is going to be hard, Josh.”
I throbbed inside her. “I can do hard.”
“Oh, yes, you do hard very well.” She swiveled on my lap, arching her back and displaying her beautiful neck while I groaned with pleasure as I cradled her breasts and thumbed her nipples.
“From now on, you’re going to have to sleep with me every night,” she said. “You’re not going to sleep in that monk’s cell you call a rack. You’re going to sleep in my bed, under my sheets, in my bedroom, which will become our bedroom.”