“Chris...”
Chris grinned, feeling herself blushing. “Things are fine. Casual, but good. I feel great.”
“Same here.” Summer put a hand to her chest. “I feel like I’m coming to life or something. I’m so enjoying this. And him.”
Chris nodded. Yeah, she got that, too. “I’m very happy for—”
“Hello?”
Yikes. Chris hadn’t heard the front door open. “Customer.”
“I’m on it.” Summer disappeared around the corner.
Chris locked up her desk, took off her apron and grabbed her jacket. She’d go home, take a nap and a nice bath and get ready for her unexpected date tonight.
Boy, did she love this feeling of anticipation, knowing that her emotions and her spirit were not going to be ground down and hijacked by the agonies of falling in love. Everything about this relationship felt so completely right.
She walked out into the shop, where one of the most gorgeous women she’d ever seen was standing at the counter. Voluptuous, dark and exotic-looking. Maybe a hint of Spanish or Italian blood? Brazilian?
Immediately Chris started wondering if she’d seen her in a movie or on TV. California was full of those types, and you never knew when they’d show up. One day Jennifer Aniston had walked in for an espresso. Chris had nearly dropped dead of shock.
“You must be Chris.” The woman’s voice was low and musical. Was anything not perfect about her? She couldn’t be a movie star if she knew Chris’s name.
“Yes, I’m Chris.”
“Jackie Cawling.” She held out her hand, which wasn’t perfectly manicured. Ha! Human after all.
“Nice to meet you.” Awkward pause. Was the name supposed to mean something to her? “Are you from the Tribune?”
She looked taken aback. “No, no, I’m a friend of Zac’s.”
“Oh, yes. Hi.” She searched her brain, trying to figure out if Zac had mentioned a Jackie, and came up empty.
“We met in the Peace Corps, in Kenya?” She waited expectantly, as if this prompt should have cleared everything up.
It didn’t.
“Ah.” Chris nodded politely.
“He didn’t mention me?” Her full lips curved in a smile. “I’m staying at his place.”
Huh?
“Uh. No.” She felt stupid. Why did Jackie know about Chris but Chris had no idea about her? “Or maybe he did and I... No, he didn’t.”
“Oh. Well, that’s weird.” She laughed, a sexy, low laugh that made Chris want to growl at her. “You stayed at my friend’s cabin on Friday night.”
“Oh. Right.” She searched her brain again. Zac had said friend of a friend, but had never elaborated. Nor had he mentioned the woman was sleeping at his house.
As was Luke.
How many bedrooms...
No, come on. Zac wasn’t the juggle-women type.
“Anyway, I came in today because Zac doesn’t have an espresso machine at his house and I’m addicted. And because I wanted to meet the woman he’s so taken with.”
“Oh, how nice.” That felt much better. If Zac had told her they were involved, he certainly wasn’t playing games.
“Zac is very special to me.” One of Jackie’s perfect brown brows lifted. “We go back a long way. We’ve been through a lot together.”
And...now she felt worse again. Jackie and Zac used to be a couple, probably serious. It was so obvious Jackie might as well have screamed it right into Chris’s face.
“That’s great.” Chris was not rising to the bait. “Are you having a good visit?”
“Oh, yes. We always have a great time together. He’s one of those people I can see rarely, but when we’re back together it’s like we were never apart.”
Just. Shut. Up.
The enormity of the gap between this woman’s long, intimate friendship with Zac and the silly fling Chris was having with him was choking her. This woman would know things about Zac that Chris never would. She’d probably been touched by his hand with real love, had been gazed at with deep tenderness, had laughed with him, had felt they truly belonged together.
Maybe she still did.
An iron hand seemed to have reached into Chris’s body, taken a handful of her guts and was twisting the life out of them. She could hardly breathe for the pain.
She was jealous. Violently jealous. Catfight jealous. She wanted all those things from Zac and she wanted this woman never to have had them.
Which meant her triumph over the success of this relationship, her belief that it was light, easy, under control, that her feelings for Zac would be easily left behind when she moved back to New York—all that was yet another way she was lying to herself.
Eva’s prediction had come true: Chris was falling in love with Zac.
12
“BEFORE I HANG UP, I have to tell you something.”
“Yeah? What’s that?” Zac had just stepped out of the shower at work. Nice perk to working at a big firm—they had a gym and locker room for employees. He’d left his desk early so he’d have time to clean up and shave before picking Chris up at five-thirty. Luke had called to say he and Summer were hanging out at Summer’s house, and Jackie had left Carmia to work her way up the coast before returning to Los Angeles and the world beyond.
Which meant his place would be wide-open for him and Chris.
Yeah, he was heartbroken about that.
“I stopped by Slow Pour on my way out of town for an espresso.”
Zac froze. Had he ever told Chris about Jackie being in town? They’d been in bed most of the day Saturday. During that time, Jackie had not exactly been uppermost in his mind. He’d devoted Sunday to catching up with his friend, taking her around Carmia, and they’d stayed up talking well into the wee hours of Monday morning, until he’d dragged himself to bed, knowing he had to be up early.
And now...it looked as if he’d pulled a classic Dumb Guy move.
“Hang on, Jackie, let me put you on speaker.” He adjusted the settings on his phone. “Okay, I’m here. You stopped at Slow Pour? How was that?”
“You were absolutely right.”
Zac stopped with his hand on his shaving kit. Right about what? That Jackie would like Chris? That Chris would like Jackie? That Chris was preparing to kill him because he hadn’t mentioned he had an old girlfriend sleeping over?
“I was?”
“Yup. Great cup of coffee.”
Zac snorted. “Just what I wanted to hear.”
Jackie laughed her deep, brassy laugh. “I know, that was mean. Yes, I wanted to meet this woman who has you all turned upside down.”
Zac fished out his razor. And? “How did that go?”
“Very interesting. For one thing, she’s beautiful.”
“I know.” He secured the towel around his waist and stepped to the mirror over the row of sinks, understanding Jackie was enjoying her moment but wishing she’d get to the point.
“And she gives off this great contrasting vibe, like if someone cracked her supercontrolled exterior there’d be this boiling mass of energy and insecurity and passion.”
“I know that, too.” He squirted out a puff of shaving cream and started spreading it onto his face. So far it didn’t sound as if Chris had gone banshee on him. But then, as Jackie said, she was a master of self-control.
Except when he had his hands on her...
“But I bet you didn’t know...”
Zac stopped with his razor in midair. “Didn’t know...”
“That she’s on her way to falling in love with you, if she’s not already there.”
Zac put down the razor, his heart thumping. “What makes you say that?”
“If she was in this just as a friend with benefits, she would not have wanted to rip my head off, stick it on a spear and dance around it.”
“Ah.” Zac forced a chuckle, trying to figure out where this was going. “She happened to mention that?”
“I saw it in her eyes.”
Uh-oh.
“Oh, come on.” He picked up the razor again. “You can’t tell all that from someone’s eyes. At least not the spear part. What the hell did you do to get her that pissed off?”
“It was fine at first. She was all warm and welcoming until I told her I was staying with you. Which, my wonderful brainless friend, you forgot to mention to her.”
“Yeah.” Zac drew the razor down his cheek, cursing his bad judgment. “But it was never the right time to say, ‘By the way, I have an old girlfriend staying at my place.’”
“Bad call.”
He didn’t like the sound of that. “She can’t think you and I are still together.”
“I’m sure she doesn’t. But she still got all frosty and bristly. And because I’m a nosy person, I made a point of talking about how long you and I had known each other and how much we’d been through together, and how special you were to me, blah, blah, blah.”
“Jackie...” He was not amused by that game.
“I knew you’d never do something sensible like ask her how she felt or tell her how you were feeling, so I figured I’d help move things along. I’m telling you, she was ready to set me on fire. If she wasn’t totally crazy about you, why would she care what you and I meant to each other a long time ago?”
“Hmm.” Zac’s heart started going a little nutty in his chest. “Interesting logic.”
“Well, then, of course I felt bad for putting her through that, so I made it clear nothing had happened between us in years, nor would it, and we ended with a nice chat and hugs all around. But I’m telling you, Zac, Chris is in love with you.”
Thank God men didn’t use straight razors anymore, or he would have cut his chin off. “She can’t feel that strongly yet.”
“Don’t you?”
Yes. The answer hit him with simple clarity. It made no sense. They hadn’t known each other long enough, they hadn’t had time to discover each other’s values, to know if they had the same rhythms and habits, all the things that made the difference between success and failure in a relationship. But he already knew he’d never felt this way about anyone else. Maybe it was just cowardice that had kept him from labeling the emotion.
He lowered the razor and stared at himself, face half covered in lather.
“I thought so.” Jackie was clearly smug. “So, Zac, dear, my job here is done and I need to concentrate on driving. It was great to see you. Be good. Oh, and invite me to the wedding, okay?”
He laughed, said a warm goodbye, and urged her to call again soon, hardly aware of what he was saying.
Chris was in love with him? Of course, that was just Jackie’s opinion, but she did have amazingly good intuition.
Around Zac, Chris had been determinedly casual, but he had thought a few times that her guard had slipped, that her warmth might be more than affection, that the vulnerability in her eyes might signify a deeper emotion.
He’d been afraid of wishful thinking. He still was. It was hard to imagine that his plan might have worked this fast, that they could establish a solid foundation as a couple so they could remain one after she left.
His phone rang again; he glanced at it absently. It was Gus.
Sorry, Gus. Zac picked up his razor and went back to work.
He had a friends-with-benefits date to prepare for, with a woman who might be ready to admit she wanted more.
* * *
MEDITATING WASN’T WORKING. Deep breathing and relaxation weren’t working. Positive visualization wasn’t working. Medication might work, but Chris couldn’t get to a doctor in time.
What had happened to the new her? Or the new new her? Argh. She might as well admit it. She hadn’t changed, not truly, not deep down. She was herself all over again and always would be—anxious, anal-retentive and about as free-spirited as a robot.
Everyone had tried to tell her—Eva, Summer in her quiet way and, of course, Zac.
No amount of tattoos, piercings or wigs could make her into someone else. She’d tossed the wig the moment she got home from work. Ditto the ear cuffs and the temporary hair dye. The tattoo she couldn’t erase, but she regretted ever getting it.
Okay, okay, she shouldn’t beat herself up too much. For one thing, self-flagellation was extremely unconstructive. For another, she had a date with Zac in half an hour and she needed to calm down enough to figure out how to play this. Because she was Old Chris, and always would be Old Chris, she was going to think the problem through in a neat outline form.
Her options were the following:
One, pretend she was still only interested in the friends-with-benefits arrangement Zac wanted. She’d risk nothing that way, and keep her heart safe. She’d also probably spend the rest of her life wondering what would have happened if she’d told Zac she wanted more.
Two, she could admit to Zac that she wanted more and...
Subparagraph a) Zac could respond positively. That would be honest, which was generally a good idea, and could open the door to a richer and more intimate relationship, which, given that she wouldn’t be here much longer, could be either short-term or long-distance, neither of which suited her.
Subparagraph b) Zac could respond negatively, bringing on rejection, humiliation and/or heartbreak, and ruining their chances for a long-term friendship.
Three, Chris could hint at her feelings and see how he reacted. If he seemed put off, she could easily back down. If he seemed pleased, she could push a little further. Repeat as needed. This was the wimpiest, safest and most practical option, which meant she’d probably go with it.
Up until a few months ago, she would have chosen that option without thinking.
Now? She wasn’t sure about anything anymore.
Chris sighed and went to look at herself in the mirror for the dozenth time. She wasn’t even sure about her outfit. The day was warm for February—California warm, in the seventies. She’d chosen a short flared black skirt with a rose pattern in corals, pinks and greens and a fitted white blouse with short sleeves and tucks down the front. On her feet, black strappy sandals.
Too country? Not sexy enough? Too formal? Too casual?
Oh, for crying out loud. She was officially exhausting herself.
This was what she was wearing. There. Decided. As for what to do and how to act around Zac, she’d make it up as she went along.
Done.
By the time Zac showed up half an hour later, she was calmer, thanks to a sustained effort to relax. The skills she’d learned at the Peace, Love and Joy Center were not totally wasted. Even if she’d never become a calm person or be able to live entirely in the moment, she certainly had a better ability to look inside herself and admit truths she might have previously denied.
And then there was the other thing, which no amount of meditating or looking inward could do for her. One look into Zac’s blue eyes and her stress and angst began dissolving into pure pleasure. The fact that he grabbed her and kissed her as if he hadn’t seen her for weeks didn’t hurt, either.
“Hi.” He rested his forehead against hers. “I missed you. How dumb is that?”
She laughed, taken aback. She hadn’t expected emotion like that from Zac. “I’d say pretty dumb. Which must mean I’m pretty dumb, too.”
“Yeah?” He brushed her hair back from her face, watching her with his steady, warm gaze. “Aren’t we supposed to be take-it-or-leave-it with each other?”
“So we messed up this time.” She shrugged. “We’ll just make more of an effort to enjoy each other less.”
“We can only try.” He grasped her chin and brought her mouth to his, kissing her leisurely until she felt that sweet jelly-doughnut thing happening again. “Uh-oh.”
“What is it?” She sounded like a breathless fool.
Probably because she was one.
“I enjoyed that, too. Sorry, Chris.”
She gave him a reproving look. “We’ll have to stop, then. No more kissing.”
“Yeah, forget that.”
They stood smiling
at each other like complete morons until Chris finally took a step back and broke the moron spell. “Want to come in?”
“Are Eva and Ames home?”
“Does it matter?” She giggled at his are-you-kidding-me expression. “They’re out for dinner and not expected back for hours.”
“Hours.” He frowned, looking perplexed. “I guess it’s kind of rude to celebrate that, huh.”
“It is, but I’ll join you.” She gestured him into the living room. “How was work today, dear?”
He chuckled. “The usual. I had a weird call from Gus, though. Apparently he’s misplaced Bodie.”
“So he said. He came into Slow Pour today. With his new girlfriend.”
“No way, really?”
“Yup. Pammy. She’s adorable. They seem totally smitten.” Chris put her iPod on shuffle, since she hadn’t been able to decide on the perfect music for her mood. Because she hadn’t even been able to decide what her mood was. “I haven’t seen Bodie since we had dinner.”
“Speaking of which, I made us a reservation for tonight at Ciopinot in San Luis Obispo. Fantastic seafood place. Sorry you won’t be with Bodie again, but...”
“Oh, yeah, that’ll be tough, but I’ll struggle through it. Thank you, Zac. It sounds wonderful.” Except... “Do we have time for a drink first?”
“We do.” He smiled suggestively. “Quite a bit of time. The reservation isn’t until eight, which leaves us about two hours.”
“Two hours of drinking?” She blinked sweetly. A Rubén Blades salsa number started up, filling the room with spirited, sensual sound. Almost unconsciously Chris started moving her hips to the beat. “Is that a good idea?”
“Oh, no.” He took a step toward her, watching her shimmy with an oh-baby smile curving his lips. “Two hours of drinking is a terrible idea.”
“I thought so.” She kept dancing, feeling herself heat up at his prowling approach. “What could we do instead? Any ideas?”
“Oh, Chris.” He sent her an incredibly sexy look. “Way, way too many.”
“Hmm.” She felt a sudden burst of happiness and an unexpected sense of power. Where that came from, she had no idea, but in a sudden fit of who-cares optimism, she decided to stop angsting and analyzing and just go with it. “Maybe I can help you narrow those down.”
The Perfect Indulgence Page 14