by Julia Green
‘I got bread, too.’
She was hungry now. The bacon tasted better than usual, cooked like this on an open fire. Will sat next to her on the log, his thigh almost touching hers.
‘What were the exams like?’ Mia asked.
‘OK. Not bad, really. I should be OK for next year.’
‘There was never any doubt about that.’
‘Try telling my mum that.’
‘She’s stupid, then. You’ve been top all year in almost everything. You could have done anything you liked next year. They were falling over you, the teachers, trying to get you to do their subject.’
‘Don’t exaggerate.’
‘I’m not. Miss Blackman was heartbroken when you didn’t choose A level English. And that history teacher.’
Will laughed.
‘When are you off, then?’ Mia asked.
‘Middle of July. For six weeks.’
‘Becks says you’ve been playing in a band,’ Mia said.
‘Yeah. It’s good. We’ve started writing our own stuff. But we need a fiddle player. Don’t know anyone, do you?’
‘Hardly. I don’t see anyone any more.’
‘It won’t be like that for long, though.’
‘No?’
‘What do you think you’ll do? Will you do retakes?’
‘Hardly retakes. I haven’t done them the first time, have I?’
‘Well, you’ve done some of the coursework.’
‘Hardly any.’
‘Becky’s going to college for her As. You could go there.’
‘With Kai?’
‘Well, there’s crèches and things. Mum found out about it for you.’
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
They finished eating in silence.
‘I’m going up to Mill Cove later this morning,’ Will said, ‘to see someone about that job.’
Mia picked up a stone, aimed it at one of the sunken beer bottles. Missed. Will aimed, hit it first time. Mia’s eyes prickled with hot tears. Nothing was fair.
‘Do you want to come?’ he asked her.
‘How can I?’
‘My brother’s giving me a lift. You could put the buggy in the back. Or we could leave it back at the house.’
‘How will you get back?’
‘Hitch a lift, probably.’
She hesitated. It was tempting. She had Kai’s bag of stuff, after all. Maybe she and Kai could get a bus back or something. It was better than staying all day on this stinking beach by herself. Or going home to Dad and Julie.
‘All right,’ she said.
‘We can pick you up at the end of the lane if you want. Then we won’t have to see Mum or anyone. Ben won’t mind.’
‘What about the people at the caravan park?’
‘You can wait outside, or go down to the cove, to the cafe there, while I’m seeing them. Give me three-quarters of an hour.’
‘OK.’
Mia watched him go. Then she watched the sea for a bit. The tide was almost at high-water mark. The small waves crept in, broke, spread out like lace tablecloths on the gritty sand. Every so often a bigger wave came further in.
A tiny bubble of happiness floated inside her. She willed it to last. Like watching a soap bubble you’d blown though one of those little plastic hoops when you were little, and sometimes you blew a perfect one, rainbow-coloured, and you watched it take off, up, over the wall, over the hedge, up into the sky until you couldn’t see it any more. And you imagined that fragile little bubble floating on and on, out into the blue.
Briefly she thought of Dad. He would have no idea where she was. Still, that was his lookout. She was sixteen, wasn’t she? She didn’t have to have his permission for a day out. He had Julie now, anyway. They could have the day by themselves for once.
The fire had died right down. She packed her stuff together, looked at her watch. It would take her at least ten minutes to get the buggy along the beach and up on to the lane. The sun was rising higher, the shadows already shortening. And she had a whole day ahead with Will.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
‘Thanks, Ben.’ Will slammed the car door.
‘OK, Daddy-boy! Any time!’ Ben grinned, pulled out and off down the road before Will could register what his brother had said.
‘Sorry. He’s a pain.’ Will grimaced. ‘Can’t wait till I can drive, then I won’t need lifts from him. Only four months to go.’
Nothing was going to spoil Mia’s mood. She was out with Will, and it was sunny and hot, and just down the road was a beautiful sandy cove. There was even a cafe. It was like being on holiday.
‘I’ll see you at the cafe, shall I? My meeting won’t take long.’
Mia could understand now why families came to places like this. It was easy with a baby. You could park a car right near the beach for one thing, instead of walking for miles. The campsite had play equipment for children, and millions of notices about slowing down for pedestrians, and clean toilet blocks and places where you could wash up and get water. There was even a baby-changing place with free wipes and a comfy chair for nursing mothers.
How sad am I? she thought. I sound like Mel from the young mums group. She was glad she hadn’t said anything like that to Will.
The holiday season hadn’t got going properly yet and the cafe wasn’t crowded. Mia parked the buggy at a table outside, overlooking the cove, and went in to order herself a drink. She watched a family at another table for a while, then the girls serving at the bar. Her sort of age. She could imagine doing a Saturday job somewhere like this. Perhaps she could even bring Kai. There was a small girl with fair curly hair bobbing in and out of the tables, getting under the waitresses’ feet. Every so often one of the girls said something to her. An older woman handed her a lolly. She seemed to belong there in the cafe, although Mia couldn’t work out which of the girls was her mother. They all seemed to share her.
Mia rummaged in her bag for something to do and found the paperback books. She read the blurbs on the back, chose the one with the best cover, started to read.
‘Good, is it?’
Will, sun on his golden hair, stood before her. He smiled. Those eyes! Like the sea. She imagined everyone watching them. The waitresses, the girls at the bar. Fancying him.
‘Yes, actually. Don’t look so surprised. I can still read a book, you know.’
‘Don’t remember you ever reading one before,’ he teased.
‘Do you want to stay here?’
‘Let’s have a drink, then go down on the beach.’
He ordered two bottles of beer. No one asked how old he was.
It made her feel light-headed. She thought of the wine she’d had the night before. Better check that Kai wasn’t getting too hot. She felt the back of his neck, as Vicky had shown her. Fine.
‘So how did your meeting go?’
‘Cool. I’ve definitely got the job. It’s shifts, that’s why you get to live in a caravan. I might have to share it, though, with some of the other temporary workers.’
That was disappointing. So much for her fantasy about her and Kai coming to visit, staying a while.
When they’d finished their drinks they went down the slope to the beach. She carried Kai while Will brought the buggy. So much easier with two of them. They went right along to the far side of the cove, where there weren’t any other people and there was some shade for Kai. Mia spread the rug out. When she kicked off her shoes and wriggled herself straight on the rug, Will touched her hair.
It was starting all over again.
Will pulled his T-shirt over his head and lay next to her in his rolled-up jeans. His leg touched hers. He stroked one finger the length of her arm, made the flesh shiver. ‘You look much better,’ he said.
‘Than what?’
‘Than before. You know. When I last saw you. You look like you again.’
She wished she felt like the old her. He had no idea, did he, what had happened to her? How completely changed she was, forever
, by having a baby. None of it showed on the outside.
‘I might swim later,’ he said.
‘I haven’t got swimming things.’
‘Nor have I. I’ll go naked.’
‘Will, you can’t. Not here! There’s people around.’
He laughed. ‘In just boxers, then. If you insist.’
’ I don’t mind.’
‘Why don’t you take his things off? Let him kick about? Babies can go naked!’
Mia hadn’t thought of that. It was a good idea. She undid his Babygro and then unfastened the nappy so he could lie on it, bare-bottomed. Kai kicked his legs enthusiastically.
‘See. He likes that,’ Will said.
They both laughed as a golden are of pee landed on Will’s arm.
‘What do you expect?’ Mia smiled. She looked down at Kai tenderly. ‘He’s smiling. It’s his new thing,’ she told Will. ‘New today.’
‘He’s got a good aim,’ Will said. ‘Like me.’
What did he mean? Was he acknowledging some sort of connection between them, father and son? Too soon for that, Mia thought. Don’t rush it. Enjoy this moment. Don’t think about everything so much.
And for a while it was completely perfect, her and Will, and Kai, lying together on the rug in warm June sunshine, the sea a sparkling turquoise, lapping at the sand. Every time Will touched her, even by accident, his body so close to hers on the rug, she felt her flesh fizz with excitement. She’d give anything to be alone with him now.
But she wasn’t.
Kai got bored first. It was too bright, too hot, too still for him. He started to grizzle, and then Will got fidgety. He didn’t like sunbathing anyway, he said. He’d go for a swim. Mia tried to feed Kai while he was gone, but there seemed to be sand everywhere, and he kept turning his head away from her breast, not concentrating properly, and milk from her other breast started leaking on to the dress in an embarrassing dark patch.
Mia felt suddenly hot and cross. Will was taking ages; she couldn’t see him even. He must have walked round the rocks into the tiny cove the other side, and there was no way Mia could get round there with Kai. She started packing up their things, folded the rug, strapped Kai into the buggy to keep him off the sand, and that made him wail. Still Will didn’t come.
She waited for ages. Kai was miserable. She had to get off the hot beach soon; she couldn’t risk him getting a temperature again.
Mia started to panic. Where was Will? Who did he think he was, just going off like that? It was just so typical of him. Just thinking about himself, what he wanted to do. Probably looking at some fascinating rock formation or an unusual species of seabird halfway up the cliff. With not a thought for her, or Kai. Why did he have to spoil everything? She’d give him till two and then she’d just go.
It got to two, and then quarter past. Half past. Right. That was it. He’d said he was just going for a swim and instead he’d wandered off for over an hour.
Mia dragged the buggy across the sand. It clogged up the wheels. Kai sobbed. A family making their way to the toilets took pity on her and the man gave her a hand. They carried the buggy between them as far as the concrete slope.
‘It’s hard work by yourself!’ the man said cheerily. As if she hadn’t noticed. The woman gave a weary smile. ‘Babies and beaches. They don’t mix. Better when he’s bigger.’
Mia was ready to cry. She was miles from home, alone with a baby. Will didn’t care about anyone but himself. How could he be so thoughtless? And how was she going to get back? She’d only ever come here by car. Perhaps someone at the campsite would know about buses. If there was one. And she could change Kai in the toilets there, get some of the sand off him.
The man at the campsite reception got out a bundle of timetables from a drawer and tried to be helpful. Two a day on a Saturday went to Ashton bus station. She’d missed the first. The other one was at five thirty. The stop was down the lane a bit. No seat or shelter. She’d do better to wait at the cafe.
‘Thanks,’ Mia said bitterly.
That was where Will found her.
‘Mia! There you are! You could have said! I’ve been looking everywhere.’
‘You have? I waited hours for you! You said you were going for a swim but you just disappeared for hours!’
‘I only walked round the rocks a bit, to the next cove. Why didn’t you come and look for me if you were worried?’
‘I wasn’t worried about you!’ Mia was spitting with rage. ‘I was worried about Kai. He was much too hot and miserable on the beach. I told you he’d had a temperature last night. You could have thought! But no, that’s impossible, isn’t it? You can’t think of anyone but yourself.’
Her head ached. Her words echoed round and round her skull. She knew them so well: they came straight out of her own father’s mouth. Stones dropped carelessly into a still pond, making ripples that spread into ever-widening circles.
She’d blown it now. Will wouldn’t want anything more to do with her. Or Kai.
A young waitress with her notepad flipped over ready came up to Mia’s table and hovered, trying to catch Will’s eye. ‘Can I get you anything?’ she asked anxiously.
‘No. We’re just going!’ Mia snapped.
‘Thanks. Sorry.’ Will smiled apologetically at the girl.
‘You’re so nice to everyone else!’ Mia hissed. There was no stopping her now. ‘But they don’t know the real you, do they? How selfish and scared and spineless you really are. Well, we’re better off without you, me and Kai.’
Everyone at the cafe was watching now. Will’s face was scarlet. He tried to grab the handle of the buggy.
‘Cool it, Mia. You can’t just storm off here. How do you think you’re going to get home?’
‘What do you care? I’ll hitch a lift.’
‘No way, Mia. It’s not safe!’
‘You’d do it!’
‘But that’s different!’
‘Why? Because you’re a bloke?’
‘Well, yes – and look at you – you’re in a real state – you can’t go off like this. Please, Mia. Wait a minute.’
She was already pushing up the lane. Her head throbbed. She was hot all over. She knew she was being stupid, but she didn’t know what else to do. It was over an hour till the bus was due, and then it would take over an hour to get to Ashton, by which time she’d have missed the bus to Whitecross.
She slowed down. She’d half expected Will to come running after her. She hesitated, listened for footsteps, looked back. He was walking up the lane, carrying two ice creams. He held one out to her. As if that would make everything all right! Just like Dad might have, Mia thought, when I was a little girl.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, catching her up. ‘I didn’t think. You’re completely right. I’ve no idea what it’s like with a baby.’
The apology completely disarmed her. She took the ice cream, started licking the drips round the edge of the cone.
‘Look,’ Will said, ‘let me phone Ben. He’ll come and get us. Give us a lift back. I know he’s insufferable, but at least he’s got a car.’
‘OK,’ Mia said.
‘Let’s find a shady place to sit. Why don’t I show you the caravan that’ll be mine? Then we’ll find somewhere to wait for Ben.’
Mia, Will, Kai. They looked like a proper family, pushing the buggy over the field to the small white caravan next to the hedge. They might be going home.
Wake up, Mia. Get real! She kept on doing it, drifting into this romantic dream where everything turned out all right: Will and her deeply in love, setting up home together somewhere – the fantasy didn’t quite stretch to the details, like money, and houses, and jobs – and it all being exciting and fun, with lots of other friends dropping in, and her discovering she had this amazing talent which had somehow never shown up at school.
But it wasn’t going to be like that, was it? Why couldn’t she get it?
Mia sat in the back of the car with Kai, and Will sat next to his brother at the
front, fiddling with the radio. From time to time Ben asked Mia a question. He sounded as if he were laughing. In the end she closed her eyes and pretended to sleep.
He stopped the car in Church Lane and helped her get the buggy out of the boot.
‘Thanks, Ben.’
Will stayed inside the car.
‘See ya!’
Ben drove off. She hadn’t said goodbye to Will, nor he to her.
It was a shock to see Vicky’s car in the drive, and Dad and Julie and Vicky standing round in a circle, deep in conversation.
They all looked up as she pushed the buggy round into the garden. Dad’s face was like thunder.
‘Where the hell have you been?’
Vicky stepped forwards, put her hand on Dad’s arm. ‘It’s all right. They’re safe, that’s the main thing.’
Mia stared, bewildered. As if enough hadn’t happened already today.
Vicky’s face was serious. ‘Mia, your Dad’s been very worried and upset. We didn’t know where you were – couldn’t find you anywhere – no one knew.’
Mia sighed.
Vicky went on, ‘I probably made things worse. I phoned to check how Kai was this morning, and then, when we realized you weren’t at home – well, we all panicked a bit.’
Mia leaned over the buggy, unstrapped Kai and picked him up. Playing for time. Waiting for the next onslaught.
‘I’ll put the kettle on,’ Julie said brightly. ‘Who’d like tea?’
No one answered her. She disappeared anyway into the kitchen.
Mia scowled.
Dad was gearing up for the next round. ‘Did it not occur to you, Mia, that we might be a little concerned about you? Leaving the house at some God-early hour, no note, no brief phone call even to let us know. Funny, I should be used to it by now. But I keep expecting that you will grow up. Learn a little consideration. Think beyond your own goldfish bowl.’
More stones. Bigger ripples.
She’d forgotten all about her mobile. Hadn’t even taken it with her.
She was so tired. The early start, the beach, the long, hot drive home, the walk up the hill. All she wanted was a long cold drink, and a lie-down, and for everyone to go away and leave her alone. Including Kai.