With a resigned sigh, she pulled herself out of bed and padded into the bathroom. It took her only minutes to comb her hair and brush her teeth, wash her face, then pull on a robe over her nightgown.
As she belted the robe, she walked down the hallway and into the living room, where Benjy was stretched out on the sofa, engrossed in his favorite movie. As she passed him on her way to the kitchen, she kissed his forehead. “Good morning.”
“Morning, Mom,” he said absently, frowning momentarily as she walked between him and the television.
“Ah, perfect timing,” Lucy said as Marissa went into the kitchen and sank down at the table. She poured two cups of the fresh-brewed coffee, then joined Marissa, sitting across from her.
“Okay... spill your guts,” she demanded.
Marissa blew on her coffee, then took a sip, enjoying Lucy’s sigh of impatience. “Spill my guts about what?” she asked, although she knew perfectly well what Lucy wanted to hear.
Lucy rolled her eyes. “You show up last night at the school play with the most notorious man in town. Suddenly everyone realizes your son looks just like him and you can’t think of anything I might want to talk about?”
Lucy’s cupid lips turned downward in a frown of hurt. “We’ve been best friends since fifth grade. I thought we told each other everything. But obviously I was the one doing all the telling and you were the one keeping secrets.”
Marissa recognized her friend’s hurt and she reached out and covered Lucy’s hand with hers. “Lucy, nobody knew about Johnny, not my parents, not you... I didn’t tell a soul that I was seeing him.”
It was difficult for her to explain why she’d kept her relationship with Johnny a secret. “I was so crazy about him. I felt as if what we had was so special...I wasn’t ready to share those feelings with anyone else at the time. I loved him so much, I was afraid talking about it might somehow jinx it.”
She released her hold on Lucy’s hand. “Besides, my relationship with Johnny was over almost as soon as it began. He was arrested and I realized while he was romancing me, he was apparently also romancing Sydney.”
Even now, after all the years that had passed, the pain of Johnny’s betrayal created a gnawing emptiness in her heart. She wondered if it was a hurt that would ever heal.
“So, what about last night? The two of you together? Everyone was buzzing about it when you left. Even Millie Creighton was running around trying to find out the scoop on you and Mustang’s sexiest ex-con.”
“Oh terrific,” Marissa moaned. Millie Creighton... Mustang’s zealous social reporter. The woman was like a tenacious tick, burrowing into a story and sucking it for all the drama she could. The last thing Marissa wanted to see was a column in the Mustang Monitor about herself and Johnny.
“So?” Lucy repeated. “Come clean...are you and Johnny back together?”
“Absolutely not,” Marissa replied, more impassioned than she’d intended. She paused a moment to take another drink of her coffee, then continued. “Johnny went with us last night to the school play because Benjamin invited him. As Benjamin’s father, Johnny and I have to remain in close contact.”
Lucy shook her head. “I can’t believe Johnny is Benjy’s father. Like everyone else in town, I really thought Brian Theron got you pregnant, then dumped you and moved out of town.”
“I didn’t think it was in my best interest, or Benjamin’s for anyone to know any different. Johnny was in prison. I didn’t know if he’d ever get out. What good could come from me telling anyone he was Benjy’s father? I didn’t think about him eventually returning to settle here.” She smiled ruefully. “Stupid, huh?”
“Women are rarely logical when it comes to matters of the heart,” Lucy replied. She eyed Marissa curiously. “It must have been strange seeing Johnny after all these years. Any sparks left between the two of you?”
“None.” Marissa’s reply came a second too late to ring true. Lucy grinned knowingly and a blush warmed Marissa’s cheeks. “Okay...maybe a few sparks are still simmering, but I don’t intend to allow them to flare any hotter.”
“Why not?” Lucy asked. “You’ve always said you believed he was innocent of Sydney’s murder.”
“I do believe he’s innocent,” Marissa agreed. “Nobody will ever make me believe that Johnny had anything to do with Sydney’s death.”
“Then why not let those sparks explode into something exciting? Lord knows, I don’t know how you manage to stay celibate and sane at the same time.”
Marissa laughed. “Contrary to what you think, sex isn’t the be-all and end-all of life ”
“But it was good with Johnny, right?” Marissa’s cheeks flamed hot again. “You don’t even have to answer that...the answer is written all over your face.” Lucy leaned forward. “Why not enjoy yourself, Marissa? You’ve spent the last ten years working and raising Benjamin. Why not indulge yourself in a torrid affair with Johnny?”
“Because I don’t do affairs,” Marissa retorted, uncomfortable with the entire conversation. She ran her fingers around the rim of her mug. “Besides, one round with Johnny Crockett is all my heart can take.” She stared reflectively at the last of the coffee in her mug. “He broke my heart, Lucy. Every time he made love to me, he told me I was the only one in the world for him.. and every time he said that, he bed. He told me just a few nights ago that all we had in the past really didn’t mean anything to him. It would be impossible for me to get past that.”
She looked at her friend again. “Besides, he’s not the same man he was ten years ago. He’s not the man I fell in love with. He’s grown hard and bitter. I don’t think there’s room in Johnny’s heart for love except maybe love for Benjamin.”
“That’s so sad,” Lucy said. “It’s too bad you two couldn’t rediscover the love you lost. I mean, it would be so romantic if after everything that has happened and after all the years that have passed, you two got together again.”
Marissa shook her head. “You can’t rediscover what you never really had. I loved Johnny, but he didn’t love me. We can’t rewrite history and make it something it wasn’t.”
She stood, tired of the topic of the conversation. She’d gone over the same territory in her mind all night, reminding herself that no matter how deeply his kiss had stirred her, it meant nothing to him. He’d told her as much when he’d said they should sleep together, that it didn’t have to mean anything...it never had.
She hadn’t believed her heart was still capable of aching, but his words had caused an enormous, breath-stealing pain.
His kiss had confirmed one thing—she needed to guard her heart where Johnny Crockett was concerned.
She’d thought her heartache of years before would be strong enough to immunize her from his charms, but the kiss had told her differently. She was still vulnerable to Johnny, and intended to guard her heart accordingly.
“More coffee?” she asked Lucy as she added fresh brew to her own cup.
“No, thanks, I’m fine,” Lucy replied.
“That’s enough about me. Tell me what’s going on in your life,” Marissa said as she rejoined her friend at the table.
Lucy took the not-so-subtle hint and changed the subject. “I’ve been seeing quite a bit of Derrick Masters lately.”
“Derrick Masters? As in Dr. Derrick?” Derrick was the local veterinarian, a handsome thirty-something who had moved to Mustang some months before.
Lucy grinned. “Yup. In fact, I’m seeing him tonight. I think he just might be Mr. Right.”
“Oh, Lucy, that’s wonderful,” Marissa exclaimed, fighting down a small surge of envy as she saw the way Lucy’s eyes sparkled, the smile that lit her from within as she spoke of Derrick. Someday, Marissa thought. Someday she wanted that for herself.
“Are you handling all the floral decorations for the prom?” Lucy asked after she had extolled on all the virtues of Dr. Derrick.
“I haven’t heard officially, but I assume so. I’ve done the floral arrangements for the past
four years.” The high-school prom was held in the gymnasium, and usually the decorations were a combination of real flowers and painted backdrops. Next to Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day, the prom was the biggest profit maker for Marissa’s shop. “I expect to hear from Mrs. Emery sometime this week about what kinds of flowers they want this year.”
Lucy nodded, then frowned. “Don’t you find it odd that Mrs. Emery is on the school board but both her daughters were tutored at home and didn’t go to school?”
“I’ve always found the Emerys odd,” Marissa replied, thinking of Sydney’s mother, stepbrother and sister. “Even though Rachel works on the school board and Bradley is on the town council, they keep to themselves.”
“Every time I see poor Gillian in town, my heart goes out to her. She looks so lonely and so terribly sad.” Lucy leaned forward. “You know she’s just the same age Sydney was when Sydney was killed. Seventeen.” Lucy shook her head. “So young...and Sydney used to have the same look as Gillian does... a haunted look. Even though she was from the richest family in town, something about the way she looked always made me feel sorry for her.”
Marissa didn’t want to think about Sydney. Although her heart ached for the girl who’d lost her life at the hands of a killer, she couldn’t forget that Sydney had been the girl who’d shared Johnny’s heart Her death would always remain between Marissa and Johnny.
If Johnny decided he wanted a relationship with Marissa once again, Marissa would never know if she’d won Johnny’s heart through default. She’d never know if Sydney had been his one true love and she was nothing more than a second choice.
Of course, it didn’t matter now. She was never going to give Johnny another chance, nor did she believe he would want another chance with her There was too much water under the bridge, too many heartaches piled on top of one another. They could never go back, she could never gain back the utter innocence and trust she’d brought to Johnny, an innocence and trust he’d destroyed.
“I can’t believe prom is only a couple weeks away.” Lucy leaned back in the chair, her smile wistful with memories. “God, I loved my senior-year prom. I went with Jason Hewlett and he bought me my very first orchid corsage I thought he was the most handsome, debonair, sexy guy in the entire school.” She wrapped her arms around herself and sighed. “Good memories.” Lucy looked at Marissa curiously. “You didn’t go to our senior-year prom, did you?”
Marissa smiled, remembering that night so long ago. “Yes and no. That was the time period that I was dating Johnny. I knew he didn’t have money to go to the prom, so I told my parents I was going alone. I got all dressed up and met Johnny behind the high school.”
Her memories burst forth inside her, warming her as she hadn’t been warmed in a long time. Johnny had been dressed in a pair of jeans and a crisp, white dress shirt. His boots had been polished to a high gloss and his cowboy hat had sat on his head at a rakish angle. He’d taken Marissa’s breath away.
“We could hear the music from the band spilling out through the open back doors of the gym. We danced for hours, just the two of us in the wooded area behind the school,” Marissa said. She didn’t tell Lucy that after they’d danced, they’d made love...slow, beautiful love in the sweet-smelling grass with the moon and the stars overhead. It had been a night of dreams...and she’d awakened the next morning to news of a nightmare. Sydney’s body had been found, and the sheriff was on his way to Johnny’s house to arrest him.
Marissa had climbed astride old Tandy and for the first time in years, the old nag had run like the wind. Marissa had arrived at Johnny’s house just in time to see him being placed in handcuffs and shoved into the back of the sheriff’s vehicle.
“Look, there’s no way there’s ever going to be anything between Johnny and me. He’s Benjamin’s father and that’s the only role he’ll play in my life,” Marissa said, then frowned, realizing her outburst had come out of nowhere.
Lucy looked at her in surprise. “Okay,” she said slowly. “So, who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself?”
The ringing of the telephone saved Marissa from having to reply.
“I’ll get it,” Benjamin called from the living room.
Marissa stood, feigning nonchalance but too agitated by their conversation to sit still. She grabbed a sponge and swiped the top of the counter.
“Mom...Dad wants to talk to you,” Benjamin called from the living room.
Marissa smiled a quick apology to Lucy, then picked up the kitchen phone handset. “I’ve got it, Benjy,” she said and heard the audible click of her son hanging up his receiver.
“Good morning.” Johnny’s deep voice glided across the line.
“Hello, Johnny, what can I do for you?” Marissa consciously kept her voice cool and controlled despite the warmth his voice evoked in her. She couldn’t remember ever having a phone conversation with him before, and found his voice impossibly sexy.
“I thought maybe you and Benjy might like to go out for some pizza with me this evening.”
“I’m sure Benjy would love to get some pizza with you tonight,” Marissa replied.
“And what about you?”
Marissa clutched the receiver more tightly against her ear. This was exactly what she knew she couldn’t allow to happen.
Johnny had to realize what his role in her life was going to be... and she knew her appeal to him at the moment was due to the fact that no other woman in town would have anything to do with him.
“I couldn’t possibly go with you this evening. I have a date.” Her words were met with silence. Lucy’s eyebrows shot up in surprise and Marissa instantly regretted the impulsive lie.
“A date?” Johnny finally spoke, saying the words as if they were foreign to his vocabulary.
“Yes...you know...where a man and a woman go out, have dinner together, perhaps see a movie.”
“And who is this date with?”
“A friend of Lucy’s. It’s all arranged.” Marissa shot a frantic look to her friend. “We’re double-dating this evening.” If Lucy’s eyebrows shot any higher, they would be completely off her head, Marissa thought as she stifled a flurry of hysteria. “I was going to get a sitter for Benjy, so this works out perfectly.”
Marissa was aware that her voice was almost a full octave higher than normal. She drew a deep breath to steady herself. “My date should be here around six-thirty. Why don’t you pick Benjy up around six, and we’ll talk then about what time you can bring him home.”
“Fine, I’ll see you this evening.”
It took Marissa a moment to realize he’d hung up. She hung her receiver back in the cradle then looked at Lucy. “I certainly hope your Dr. Derrick has a friend, because somehow in the next couple of hours you have to find me a date for this evening.”
Chapter 8
A date. She had a date. Johnny stared at the phone receiver long after he’d hung it up, shocked not only by the fact that she had a date, but by his own reaction to her announcement.
Who was her date with? Was it the first time she’d gone out with him or the fifth...or the twentieth? Was it casual or serious? Question after question filled his head.
She’d told him she hadn’t slept with anyone since their time together so long ago and he believed her. But, at the same time she’d told him that, he’d gotten it into his head that she also hadn’t dated.
He stepped out of the house and onto the front porch, where he sank into on old patio chair. Somehow it had comforted him to believe that she’d kept herself just as isolated, just as alone as he had been during his time behind bars. But of course it had been foolish to think that a woman as beautiful as Marissa wouldn’t have had plenty of dates over the past ten years.
Eventually she’d probably marry one of the most eligible bachelors in Mustang. Benjamin would have a stepfather, a man who would probably be successful and able to give the boy all the things that Johnny couldn’t.
A rope of despair tied itself into a knot in Johnny’s
gut. Had he been wrong to force Marissa to tell Benjamin that he was Benjy’s father? Had he only been thinking of himself and not his son?
He thought back to the night before, when Benjamin and Marissa had helped him paint the graffiti that covered the front of his house. What ugliness was he bringing into their life? Perhaps Marissa had been right all along in keeping his fatherhood of Benjamin a secret.
Still, it was too late to go back now. He couldn’t imagine playing any other role in Benjamin’s life than that of father. That particular relationship was easy...the emotions involved were clean and simple. He loved Benjamin with all his heart.
Much more complicated were his feelings where Marissa was concerned. He wanted to hate her, and hated wanting her. It was a curious dichotomy, one that had kept him up most of the night before.
He’d kissed her in an effort to somehow punish her, but it hadn’t worked. The only thing the kiss had achieved was to make him want her more.
He’d gone to bed with the taste of her lips still on his mouth, the scent of her perfume filling his head. And in sleep, he’d gone back in time. He’d dreamed of holding her in his arms, remembering the warmth of her skin against his, the press of her full breasts against his chest.
In his dream he’d made love to her. Slowly...sweetly he’d possessed her, their bodies moving in perfect rhythm as they reached the pinnacle of pleasure together.
He’d awakened feeling bereft, as if he’d lost something precious. Not only was he not sure what he’d lost, but he also wasn’t sure exactly what he had done to lose it.
He stood, a wild recklessness coursing through him. He had several hours to spare before it would be time to pick up Benjamin. There were no pressing chores to be done, no livestock to tend, but he knew exactly how he wanted to spend the extra hours.
For the past couple of days, he’d been asking around about the men who the police had originally written up as potential suspects in Sydney’s murder. Johnny had discovered one of the men had died, two of them still worked on the Emery ranch, and the two left had taken other jobs in town.
Rodeo Dad Page 10