“It’s okay, Cate. I shouldn’t have asked. Let me buy you lunch.”
I glance up at him. “I’m not ready to date,” I blurt.
Dr. Mercer looks at me, shocked, and I realize my mistake. With a polite smile, he says, “I’m not sure my girlfriend would appreciate me asking anyone on a date. I just thought I could offer you an ear.”
My face must turn beet red.
“I’m sorry. Ever since I took off my rings, I’ve been getting hit on occasionally.”
I hadn’t wanted to take off my engagement and wedding rings, but every time I looked at them I couldn’t stop crying. After several months, Mom finally suggested that I take them off, not because I want to forget Drew, but so I could remember him without the tears.
“I can’t say I blame them. But I totally understand. It’s going to be a long time until you can be better.”
I’m glad he didn’t say be okay. I’m not sure I can ever be okay.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be better.”
He nods sympathetically. “Have you considered a support group?”
“Been there, done that. And don’t get me wrong. They help so many people. But I feel like a fish out of water because most of the people there are so much older than I am. I don’t want to take antidepressants, but if I don’t turn a corner soon, I think I may start.”
“Don’t be afraid of them. They aren’t habit forming or anything like that. But let me ask you. Have you tried running? Studies really do show it can help with depression.”
“I used to run. But haven’t in a couple of years.”
“Why don’t you try? Running can help clear your mind and get the endorphins going to better how you feel in general. I run with a group and you can join us if you’d like.”
His words ring true. He is a doctor and I’ve heard that about running before.
“I feel like there is a cloud that follows me everywhere. I can’t even go to my house and move the boxes Drew thoughtfully packed so I wouldn’t have to. The house is staged; I just need to get those boxes out if I truly plan to sell the house. That’s hard, too. I don’t want to sell the house we picked together, yet I can’t imagine living there without him.”
Out of his pocket, he produces tissues like he did the last time tears flowed down my face.
“Small steps, Cate. Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
Dr. Mercer takes both salads and steers to me to the register. I find myself sitting as I continue to release the words I’ve been so scared to say knowing everyone must be tired of all my crying.
“I can’t ask his parents, they’ve been through enough. Ben, his best friend, is a wreck just like me. He suggested a moving company because I don’t think he wants to go into there any more than I do. I watched my husband slip away in that house and I just can’t go there. I don’t want to ask my parents because they’ve practically packed up the house for me.”
“I can get the boxes for you.”
I glance up and meet those azure blue eyes so much like my dead husband’s and the hurt bubbles up like a geyser.
“I can’t ask you that.”
“Why not? Drew was one of ours. You can’t imagine how he’s missed around here. I didn’t know him well, but I can’t imagine anyone else that wouldn’t offer to help you in any way.”
After some more convincing, Dr. Mercer drives behind me to my old house after I pick up my paperwork. His shift is over and with some directions from me, he enters the place I once called home. It doesn’t take him long and comes out with Drew’s stuff.
“There is one marked for you.”
I nod and he puts it in my trunk. “I’ll take the rest for you to Goodwill.”
“Thanks for everything, including lunch,” I say.
He smiles warmly. “Don’t mention it.”
~Eight months after Drew~
When the news comes, I’m so overwhelmed, I find myself in the park running down a path. The pads of my feet smacking the ground are the only noise in my head. Dr. Mercer was right. Only it took me one more hardheaded month to take his advice and try running again.
For the first time in a while, I feel alive. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed this. My heart races from exhilaration and not depression. I’m in no way fine, but I feel marginally better.
I run around a corner and glance up to see those striking blue eyes. For a second, my heart skips a beat. Then I realize the blond hair doesn’t belong to my Drew but to Dr. Mercer.
“Cate.”
“Dr. Mercer.”
“You’re not going to call me Drew are you?”
I force the words out of my mouth because he’s been nothing but kind to me. “Drew.”
The name is like a bitter pill on my tongue. My Drew should be with me right now.
“Tried running eh?” he asks with an eyebrow raised.
“You were right. It clears my head. It’s what I need from the news I just got.”
“News?”
We continue to jog in place as other joggers pass. And for some reason it’s easy to talk to him.
“I got a really good offer on the house. A nice family with a baby on the way wants the house. They love it.” I manage to say the words without crying. “They will make it the home it was meant to be.”
He nods but doesn’t offer any words of encouragement. He tilts his head toward the trail. I nod and take off in the direction I had been heading and he follows. We run for a while until I get back to my starting point.
“You should join our group.”
I glance up at him after toweling off my face. I’ve stopped and start to stretch but he’s still moving. Apparently, my thirty minutes is just a warm up for him.
“The one I mentioned a while back.”
When I still show no signs of recognition, he says, “There are a group of us that run daily. It doesn’t require any socialization. You don’t have to talk at all during the runs. Sometimes it’s good to run with other people. They help keep you motivated.”
I bend forward to shake out my muscles. When I straighten he adds, “There is a morning run at six and an evening run at six. Pick your time, it’s not formal or anything. We usually gather near the statue.”
“It’s sounds fun. I’ll think about it.”
“Good. And it was good seeing you, Cate.”
“You too.”
~A year and a little over two months after Drew~
Jenna stares at me like I’m lying to her.
“I swear, we’re just friends.”
Her face softens. “You know it’s okay to date other people. Drew didn’t expect you to be a hermit.”
I glance away. “I’m not ready, Jenna. I’m just not. I’m not sure when I’ll ever be.”
She doesn’t understand when you find the love of your life, who can ever match up to that. And it won’t be fair for me to see anyone while comparing them to Drew.
“I’ve seen pictures of you two. You sporting a huge smile. You ran in the 10k prostate cancer race. You have breakfast with him a few times a week and sometimes dinner. He helped at your yard sale and he moved furniture with Ben.”
“It’s incidental. We are only friends. He’s dating someone. As far as the race, it was a challenge. I did it and can mark it off my bucket list. I doubt I’ll run in any more races. And I haven’t seen him in a few weeks.”
“Why?”
I shrug. “I’ve been running most mornings. He hasn’t. I assume he’s running in the evening. It’s not like we call each other to coordinate our schedules.”
“Un huh.”
I groan. “He’s with someone. You’re reading our friendship wrong.”
“You have to admit he’s hot.”
I shake my head. “I’ve never looked at him that way.”
She stares at me like I grew antlers. “He’s gorgeous, Cate. There’s no way you don’t see it.”
I shake my head.
“He reminds me of…”
“Of wh
at?” I ask.
“Never mind. I would date him.”
“Good, I’ll pass that along if he becomes single.”
She dismissively waves my words away. “You do that. Anyway, why don’t you date someone, anyone? And make them take you to dinner. You’re too skinny.”
I roll my eyes at her. “Look, I have to go.”
“Running this afternoon hoping to ‘run’ into a certain someone.” She makes air quotes with her fingers.
Ignoring her, I rush out the door. Only Dr. Mercer is there. I try not to notice him, but Jenna has me assessing him differently when the run is over and we are all stretching out so our muscles won’t cramp up.
When he tugs off his shirt and begins to towel off and I have to admit he would be a good catch for someone. Just not me.
“You up for dinner?” he asks.
I smile and nod. Outside of Jenna and Ben, I haven’t had many close friends and he’s become one. We sit at a popular deli waiting for our salads and sandwiches.
“How have you’ve been? Is everything okay?” It’s the first time I’ve seen him not give me a smile.
“The truth is, my girlfriend broke up with me. She’s tired of my hours and how I get called in at odd times.”
“Wow, she had to know that going into the relationship.”
He purses his lips. “She did. Says she thought she could handle it.”
“I’m sorry. Did it happen today?”
He shakes his head. “No, a few weeks ago. I guess it’s really hitting me today. I’ve been so busy with work, I haven’t had time to think about it.”
We’ve become so comfortable with each other, I don’t think twice when I ask him my next question. “Did you love her?”
He glances up thoughtfully. “I wouldn’t say love. But she won’t be the only woman who can’t put up with my profession. It kind of sucks to think that my job will be a turn off.”
“Somehow I think she’s in the minority.” Jenna’s words come back to me. “Anyway, I have a friend,” I begin and map out my plan for setting up a blind date.
Two days later, Jenna completely blows me off.
“No way. That’s your doctor. I saw how he looked at you at your yard sale. His eyes narrowed anytime a guy came up to ask you the price of something.”
“We’re just friends,” I say for the millionth time.
“I’m still not going out with him,” she says adamantly.
“But you said you would date him and I set it all up because of that.”
Jenna won’t change her mind. Therefore, I find myself walking into the bar and lounge to find him surprised to see me.
“I’m sorry,” I say sheepishly.
He seems resigned. “She doesn’t want to date a doctor.”
“No, it’s not that.” I don’t want to lie to him. “She has this crazy idea about you and me.”
His eyes go wide and it stings just a little. I’m not even sure why. I like him as a friend, but I guess knowing he wouldn’t be interested in me at all hits the old ego like a wrecking ball.
“Why don’t you stay? We can make the best of it. I don’t get many nights like these that often.”
Feeling guilty I set up this date without talking to Jenna first, I agree. It isn’t a hardship. I enjoy spending time with him. We never seem to have trouble coming up with conversation topics.
“Dance with me,” he says later.
I meet his eyes. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah, why not? You’ve been moving in your chair for the past half an hour,” he teases.
“Fine, why not?” I accept more just because he said it so much like a dare.
I take his hand and we dance. The fast moving songs have my heart racing like I’m running. For that time, my mind is free and clear, and I see the man before me for the first time. He’s good looking if not gorgeous, just like Jenna said. Somehow, I think I’ve known that. I’ve only ignored it until now. His girlfriend is a fool. He’s a great guy and will make someone a good husband one day.
When the night is over, he walks me to my car.
“I had fun.”
“Me too,” I say.
After I click the lock on my car, he opens the door so I can get inside. For the craziest of moments, I wonder if he will kiss me. The moment passes and he doesn’t. So I drive away and get back to my daily life.
~A year and four months after Drew~
“You’re finally going out with him tonight?” Jenna asks, genuinely surprised.
“It was last minute. His date canceled. He asked if I could go with him.” Then I add, “as friends,” before Jenna can get any ideas.
“Friends my ass.”
“Jenna, we are just friends.”
“But you like him.”
It’s the first time I hesitate in my response. “I don’t think I’m ready. Drew—”
Jenna cuts me off. “This is going to sound harsh, but Drew is gone and he’s never coming back. And we are all sorry that’s the case. But you promised him you would live. I’m sorry I have to pull that card, but it’s been long enough. No one is going to fault you for moving on.”
Her words still bounce in my head as I drink my glass of wine. When he turns his back, I down the rest and give the empty glass to the waiter.
When he turns back to me, I feel the need to fill the space. “You know everyone,” I say, nervous for the first time.
“My parents know everyone and thus they know me.”
“Your family and Jenna’s.”
Jenna would probably get stopped every few steps. This benefit has all the old families in attendance.
“It’s tough sometimes, like tonight when I would rather be talking to you than some stuffed shirt who knows my dad or mom.”
I find myself staring at his lips while he talks. I wave a hand at my face suddenly feeling flushed.
“Are you hot? Do you want to want to walk out on the terrace?”
I nod frantically because I can’t stop staring and it’s stupid.
He takes my hand and leads me outside. The night is cool and we stand by the marble railing staring out into the night. We start to talk at the same time.
“No, you go ahead,” I say.
He seems to take a breath. “Cate, I’ll be honest with you. I’m glad you’re here with me and not someone else.”
“Really?”
“I like you, Cate. I think I like you more than you’re ready to hear. And I’ve tried to be patient and not push, but Cate—”
It might be the wine, but I move in and silence him with my lips. I press them to his and savor the moment for a second. His hand snakes behind my back and I start to feel warm all over. It has to be the wine. Three glasses might have been the courage I needed.
When I pull back his eyes are heavy on mine. “Cate—”
I shake my head. “I want this. I want you, if you’ll have me.” I take his hand. I’ve known him for almost a year and a half. This isn’t rushed, my subconscious tells me. We’ve taken time to get to know each other. And I need to know. I need to know if I can move on. “Let’s see if they have a room.”
He stops and holds my hand so I can’t move toward the doors.
“Are you sure? I can wait.” He scrubs a hand through his hair. “Hell, I have been waiting.”
His words puzzle me for a second.
“You had a girlfriend?”
He shakes his head. “I had a girl. She was more than a friend but not by much. And maybe that was my fault because I’ve been infatuated with you since the first time I saw you. It was the wrong time, so I backed off. Now—”
“Now you’re talking too much. Let’s just see where this goes.”
When I wake up in the morning with him naked in the sheets, I completely freak out. I get dressed while he sleeps and I rush out without saying goodbye.
~A year and seven months after Drew~
It takes Jenna talking me down from the ledge before I’m able to talk or see the good d
octor again. I’m scared of the feelings he’s creating in me. He’s been a great friend and being with him beneath the sheets made me want more. Still, I feel like I’m cheating on my dead husband.
He finally coaxes me out to have lunch with him. He’s been understanding, letting things take a step back in a slower gear. I’m grateful for that. I still feel somewhat guilty for feeling anything for anyone other than my late husband, Drew McKnight.
Yet, Drew Mercer makes it impossible not to have a good time. He’s telling me horror stories about working at the hospital.
“I walked into the patient’s room without knocking. Mind you, he’s a ninety year old man, and his wife was in there with him.” Drew’s brow rises. “The two of them were getting it on like they were newlyweds. I have to say, it gives me hope for the future.”
“He was in his nineties?” I ask.
He nods. “And she was probably in her late eighties.”
He gives a shudder but laughs. We’re both cracking up while enjoying an afternoon eating outside at a bistro when I see Ben.
Jenna’s brother looks lost and I know he’s been having a rough time. My laughs quiet and suddenly guilt consumes me like a ball of fire. How can I be laughing with another man? Drew’s best friend is still bereft with grief. I’m Drew’s wife. I should be worse off.
“I can’t,” I say, my mood changing lightning fast.
“What?”
My face feels flushed as I suddenly feel out of breath and I know I appear like a crazed bipolar patient off their meds. “I can’t do this. I’m not ready. How can I possibly be happy when he’s in the ground?”
“Cate, please.” He reaches for me. For the briefest second, I pause. “I think I’ve fallen in love with you.”
His words only catapult me from my seat because I’m starting to fall myself. How can I possibly take that leap with someone else? I belong to Drew. I bolt from the restaurant and from his life. I ignore his calls. I refuse to see him.
Weeks later when my boss offers me the transfer of a lifetime, I know I have to take it. I can move to DC and start fresh in a new city where memories of my Drew won’t haunt me.
“You can’t move without telling him,” Jenna berates me.
Cruel & Beautiful Page 41