by Fox, Susan
“Oh?”
“Yeah. She phoned yesterday, saying she’d like to do something more than just write a check every year and show up for the AGM.”
“Sounds good.” But why did he sound so smug?
“You’ve been recruiting again.”
“What?” And then it dawned on me. “Not Althea Fitzsimmons?”
He nodded. “It’s amazing the influence you have on people.”
“No more than they have on me.” I smiled to myself, thinking of my conversation with Althea. If we hadn’t talked yesterday, would I be here with Gabriel now?
“She and Martin would be a perfect match,” I said. “They’re both a little reticent, but their mutual love of animals would get them over the initial awkwardness.”
Thinking of awkward conversations, I finished the last spoonful of the delicious soup and reached over to thread my fingers through his. “How did it go with Jimmy Lee this afternoon? At first you looked like you were having an argument, but then you shook hands.”
“He was being a protective dad.” He shrugged. “Says he likes me, but he’s not sure I’m the best person for you.”
“Because?”
“Well, he started out by reminding me you’re from a different generation and—”
“Damn it, I told him not to be ageist.”
He laughed. “Thanks for defending me, but that wasn’t his point. He wanted me to know you weren’t in to all that free love stuff.”
I’d known we would have to have this conversation sooner or later. So I took a deep breath and plunged in. “Okay, Gabriel, how do you feel about free love?”
His eyes narrowed. “How would I feel if you slept with another man? I’d want to punch him.”
“What if you slept with another woman?”
He looked genuinely confused. “Why the hell would I do that?”
“Why wouldn’t you?” I asked softly.
“I love you.”
I knew, absolutely, that I’d never get tired of hearing him say that. Still, I gnawed my lower lip. “Grace and Jimmy Lee love each other deeply, but they both have other lovers when they feel like it.”
“Oh yeah?” He tilted his head, obviously considering the idea, then shrugged. “Well, good for them if it works for them. I’m not so civilized. I don’t want to share.”
“Me, either.”
He gripped my hands. “Then neither of us screws around. Right?”
It wasn’t couched in the most romantic language, but it was a vow that made my heart sing. “Right.” Then, still curious, I said, “What did you tell Jimmy Lee?”
“That you’re grown up and it’s none of his business how you and I resolve our issues. But I’d listen to you and respect your opinion, and we’d work things out together.”
“That sounds good. Really good.” But was it really possible for two such different people to work things out?
“How about Grace?” he asked. “How does she feel about us?”
“She thinks you’re a wonderful person,” I said slowly, “and that we shouldn’t ignore the important issues, the ones we don’t see eye to eye on.” And she was right. Though I didn’t want to spoil this magical evening, how could I blithely proceed with no thought to consequences?
Voices broke into my thoughts and I realized a couple in their thirties or early forties was approaching our table, greeting Gabriel. I shook my head to clear it, and focused on them. Gabriel made the introductions and I learned that this was Maria’s daughter from her first marriage, and her husband. I could see Maria’s strong features in the younger face, and I could also read a high level of curiosity. Gabriel didn’t enlighten her. He introduced me by name, without adding a label such as friend or girlfriend.
“We’re so pleased to meet you,” Ana said warmly, shaking my hand. “Why don’t we have dinner together so we can all get to know each other?”
I heaved a resigned internal sigh. This was probably a good thing. If I hit Gabriel with too heavy a conversation right at the beginning of our relationship, he’d probably retreat.
“We should move to a larger table,” I said, beginning to rise.
“No,” Gabriel said firmly. “Not tonight. Ana, Mike, let’s make it another time soon. Isadora and I have things we need to discuss.”
“Oh!” Ana raised a black eyebrow, then winked. “I see. Guess I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be young and in love.”
“Then it’s time I reminded you,” her fair-haired husband said, scooping an arm around her waist and tugging her away.
She sent us a wiggle-fingered wave over her shoulder.
I turned back to Gabriel. “They seem nice.”
He nodded, not speaking, his gaze intense and challenging.
“All right,” I said slowly. I reached for his hand, needing to touch him, maybe to anchor him if he wanted to run. “Gabriel, I know we’re just starting out and it’s premature to talk about this stuff, but I’m scared. I love you, and I know relationships always involve compromise, but… There are things that are really important to me.”
Yes, I loved Gabriel and was thrilled he loved me. But maybe it wasn’t enough. Relationships required compromise. What would I be willing to give up for him? What would he be willing to do for me?
He smiled, a little sadly. “This stuff used to be so easy. I’d set out my ground rules when I first started seeing someone, and she’d tell me hers. If we didn’t agree, no biggie.”
I swallowed hard. “What are your ground rules?”
He gave a rueful snort. “Used to be, all that shit about independence and not getting emotionally involved. Those rules made sense before, and I was never tempted to break them. Now, hell, I guess I’ve thrown out the rule book.” He drew in a breath, then let it out slowly. “But I bet you haven’t. What are your ground rules, Isadora Dean Wheeler?”
I was afraid to tell him. Besides, didn’t he already know?
His eyes narrowed and his hand twitched in mine. “Hell, Isadora, nobody’s dragging me down an aisle.”
“But—”
“Marriage is an absurd institution. Do you want the church or the fucking state dictating your relationship?” He dragged his free hand through his hair. “What the hell do you think it achieves? Not happiness. Half of marriages end in divorce and that’s only when one partner has the guts to call it quits on something miserable.”
“All of that is true,” I admitted. “Grace and Jimmy Lee have been saying the same thing ever since I can remember.”
“Then why, Isadora? Why would you want to get married?”
It was an excellent question. One I’d never really asked myself. As I thought about it now, the answer came to me. “To be different from them,” I said softly. “Because I want the things marriage symbolizes. Fidelity, respect, trust, commitment. Till death us do part.” I swallowed. “I want a guarantee. But you’re right. There aren’t any.”
“Each couple has to find their own way.” He took a deep breath. “I admit the word forever scares the crap out of me, but when I look across the table at your face—” He broke off, shaking his head bemusedly.
“I know it’s too soon to be thinking about commitment, but…” I leaned forward. “What do you think when you look at my face?”
He studied me for what seemed like a long time, as if to make sure of what he felt. Then he nodded. “That I could happily look at your face forever. That I’ll be a better person with you in my life, and I’d be miserable without you.”
“Me, too,” I whispered. And, that easily, I could imagine us standing on a beach, making vows of commitment to each other. Not vows sanctified by a church we didn’t believe in, or a state we often opposed, but personal vows that meant everything to the two of us. Vows witnessed by my parents, Maria and her husband, Janice and Martin, Alyssa and her mom. Even Richard, if we were very lucky.
“I was so sure what I wanted,” I said wonderingly. “Before I met you. How can so much have changed in such a short time?�
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“Life happens that way sometimes. Now, everything’s new. We’re starting out on a fresh path.”
“I’m sure of one thing,” I told him. “I love you.”
“And I love you. So we’ll find our way together. Yeah, it’s scary, but it’s exciting too.”
“It’s definitely that,” I agreed.
He took a deep breath. “Let’s carry on with your ground rules. A house. You once said you wanted to own a house. Tell me about that. Are we talking a mansion on Marine Drive?”
“No way. Nothing fancy, but enough room for cats and dogs and any other animals I might bring home.”
“I can understand about the animals, but…” He shrugged. “Property ownership seems materialistic. I’ve never really thought of doing it.”
“Nor have my parents. Life with them was always so temporary. No point getting attached to a place because you might have to move. It’s not about materialism, Gabriel, but stability. I want a home. A real home.”
“Hmm.” It was a musing sound, not a negative one.
Encouraged, I went on. “And I want financial security. Not wealth, just being able to know we’ll all be okay when we get old. Jimmy Lee and Grace too, because they show no signs of ever saving a penny.”
He tilted his head. “I could say they make their own choices and they’re not your responsibility. They wouldn’t want to be.”
“I know. But I love them. They’re devoting their lives to looking after the world. If they reach a point where they can’t look after themselves, I want to be able to do it.”
Surprisingly, he smiled. “I agree. You know, I’m not irresponsible when it comes to money, Isadora.”
“I know. But I doubt security has been your priority.”
He shook his head. “No. But you’re making good points. I sure as hell don’t want to ever have to be supported by the state, or have anyone I care about put in that position. Like if anything ever happened to you so you couldn’t work. Or to Richard.”
I believed him totally. He really did love his son, and he was learning, at long last, what it meant to be a parent. I stroked his hand gently. “That thing about hating doing things you don’t do well…”
“Mmm hmm?”
I took a deep breath. “I think you could be a good father.”
“I’d settle for acceptable. If Richard figured I was acceptable, then—”
Not Richard. I wasn’t talking about Richard now. My expression stopped him.
His face went shuttered. In a flat tone, he said, “You’re talking about us having kids together.”
Yes, we’d come a long way tonight. What would I do if he drew his line here and said he’d never have another child? My throat was so tight with nerves, I could barely force out words. “I want children, and I know you’ve said you don’t. But things have changed. You’ve changed.”
“Changed,” he said reflectively, then frowned. “Yeah, but… God, Isadora.”
“Gabriel, I would never try to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to. But I can’t imagine my life without one or two kids, and I want to make those babies with the man I love. Not now, not until we’re sure of our relationship. But I think we’d make terrific children.”
A tiny smile flickered across his face, and I wondered if he, too, could imagine those wonderful kids. Then he frowned again. “What if I was a shitty father, like the first time?”
I shook my head firmly. “You wouldn’t be. If I thought that, I’d never contemplate having kids with you.”
I leaned forward, forcing him to meet my eyes. “Gabriel, look how you’re reaching out to Richard, even when the going is incredibly rough. And you’re balancing your priorities so work doesn’t always come first. I’m not saying it would be easy, juggling kids, a home, animals, work that’s important to us, but people do it all the time. And I think we could do it well.”
He was still frowning, but it was a contemplative frown that told me he was at least considering it rather than dismissing the idea out of hand. “We’d have to be damned creative, some times.”
“You’re very good at finding creative solutions in your work. Apply that skill to your personal life.”
“I’m too old to be father to a baby.”
In the beginning, his age had been an issue for me. Yes, I still wanted a man to grow old with, but the truth was, there were no guarantees. Above all, what I wanted was Gabriel, and our children. I squeezed his fingers and felt the strength in his hands as he squeezed back. “Gabriel DeLuca, you’re the most vital man I’ve ever known. You can do anything you set your mind to.”
His fingers still gripped mine. “Or my heart,” he said softly, and my own heart began a crazy, hopeful dance. “It’s pretty much a virgin heart, Isadora. Didn’t know I had one until I met you. Now you have to help me learn what to do with it.”
That crazy mist was back in my eyes. “From what I’ve seen so far, you’re an amazingly fast learner.”
We both leaned forward to touch lips across the table, and a tear of joy spilled down my cheek.
Maria, predictably, interrupted. “Gabriel, finish soup. Shrimps ready. Time for kissing and babies later.”
Gabriel and I pulled back, smiling at each other, and I knew we’d have lots of time for kissing, and babies, and everything else we decided we wanted to do together.
Note to Readers
After more than twenty publications with Kensington and Berkley, Finding Isadora is my first venture into the world of self-publishing.
Many of my books straddle the line between romance and what is often referred to as women’s fiction, meaning stories that focus on the heroine’s journey at a transitional time in her life. In all of my books to date, you’ll find a romance with a happy ending, and you’ll also find a character arc for both the heroine and the hero. Each protagonist confronts personal issues, makes tough decisions, and grows into a stronger, better person—and that growth occurs in part because of their growing love for the other person.
Most of my stories include both the heroine’s and the hero’s point of view, as is typical in romance fiction. Finding Isadora is different. I put the reader firmly inside Isadora’s head. You don’t know Gabriel’s thoughts, or Richard’s, or any other character’s, except through their actions and Isadora’s perceptions. That’s like real life, isn’t it? You can never know what your new lover, or your husband of thirty years, is truly thinking. You can only guess, based on what he says and does. That’s the element of realism I’m going for in Finding Isadora.
Over the many years I’ve been writing, I have discovered that the core theme in all my books is finding yourself. That theme plays out in different ways with my various characters, and I suppose, really, “finding yourself” is what the entire journey of life is all about.
In Isadora’s case, it’s a matter of finding out how much she’s like and not like her parents, what her core values are, and how she wants to live her life. At twenty-seven, she starts the book pretty complacent, thinking she’s figured out exactly who she is and what she wants. And isn’t that true of many twenty-somethings? But of course, life often intervenes, and that’s the challenge I set for Isadora in this book. Will she stick rigidly to her current beliefs, or does she have the flexibility and strength to re-examine her beliefs and values—particularly when that re-examination leads to hurting someone she loves and creating a future full of uncertainty?
This manuscript was initially written several years ago, before my first book was published in 2006. I was very proud when it was a finalist in the Romance Writers of America® Golden Heart contest. I have revised it considerably since then, and each time I work on it, I fall in love all over again with Isadora and Gabriel. I hope you will, too.
I’d like to thank the following people who, over the years, have provided critique feedback on drafts of the manuscript: Nazima Ali, Betty Allan, Lacy Danes, and Michelle Hancock.
Author Bio
Award-winning
author Susan Fox, who also writes as Savanna Fox and Susan Lyons, writes “emotionally compelling, sexy contemporary romance” (Publishers Weekly).
She is published by Kensington Zebra, Brava, and Aphrodisia, Berkley Heat, and Harlequin Spice Briefs. Her books have won the HOLT Medallion, the Booksellers Best Award, the Aspen Gold, the Golden Quill, the More Than Magic, the Lories, the Beacon, and the Laurel Wreath, and she was nominated for the RT Reviewers Choice Award. Publishers Weekly gave His, Unexpectedly a starred review and ranked it as a Top 10 Romance. Sex Drive was a Cosmopolitan Red-Hot Read.
Susan is a Pacific Northwester with homes in Victoria and Vancouver, British Columbia. She has degrees in law and psychology, and has had a variety of careers, including perennial student, computer consultant, and legal editor. Fiction writer is by far her favorite, giving her an outlet to demonstrate her belief in the power of love, friendship, and a sense of humor.
Website: Visit Susan’s website at susanlyons.ca for excerpts, behind-the-scenes notes, discussion guides, recipes, articles, newsletter sign-up, contests, and give-aways.
Facebook: Find Susan on Facebook at facebook.com/SusanLyonsFox.
Other Titles by Susan
(writing as Susan Fox, Savanna Fox, and Susan Lyons)
NOVELS
Caribou Crossing Series
Welcome to Caribou Crossing, a western community made for love, adventure, and second chances.
Caribou Crossing by Susan Fox (#1); Kensington Zebra, e-novella (novella is also included in print edition of Home on the Range)
Home on the Range by Susan Fox (#2); Kensington Zebra
Gentle on my Mind by Susan Fox (#3); Kensington Zebra
Dirty Girls Book Club Series
Don’t you wish your book club read “dirty” books? Each time this club does, one of the members embarks on a sexy romance that in some ways parallels the one in the book.
The Dirty Girls Book Club by Savanna Fox (#1); Berkley Heat
Dare to be Dirty by Savanna Fox (#2); Berkley Heat