Blurring the Line

by Nicola Marsh

  Not that I wanted to. I was living the dream. Dating Joel. Truly connected to the guy I'd never forgotten, the guy who'd stolen my heart without trying.

  As the first hint of dawn peeked through his window, I held my breath, wanting to savor this moment of perfection.

  The wan rays highlighted the hard planes of his back, outlining the muscles I'd explored in infinite detail: with my hands, my fingers, my mouth. He was beautiful, inside and out, and I'd never get enough.

  He shifted and my breath whooshed out. Never get enough? That couldn't be right. This fling was supposed to get Joel out of my system once and for all. To satisfy my curiosity, to see if he'd live up to the fantasy. To ensure we both had fun before we went our separate ways.

  But as he rolled over to face me, his eyes sleepy and his mouth curved into that lopsided grin I loved, I knew without a doubt that this get-him-out-of-my-system fling had turned into something more and I was in deeper than ever.

  "'Morning, beautiful."

  "Hey," I said, barely able to get a word out as I grappled with the realization I'd fallen for Joel all over again.

  "What's wrong?"

  'Nothing' hovered on the tip of my tongue, the same trite response I would've given in the past. But I was older now, wiser, and sugarcoating this wouldn't make it any easier.

  "How much longer is your locum position here?"

  "A few months," he said, his smile fading. "Why?"

  "Just thinking." I shrugged, not liking the wariness clouding his expression. "I'm heading home for final exams soon."

  I hesitated, hating how tense talking about this stuff with him made me. It shouldn't, because we'd been friends long before we got physical. "And I was wondering if you were planning on spending any time back home too."

  He sat bolt upright, staring at me like I'd lost my mind. "Why would I?"

  And with those three little words, he shattered any illusions I harbored that this connection we shared meant as much to him as it did to me.

  But I had to make sure that I didn't spend the next few months wondering why I hadn't said anything.

  "I thought you might want to hang out some more …" I threw it out there, aiming for casual, sounding desperate instead.

  "Being with you has been great, but we both knew this had an expiration date." He stood and headed for the bathroom, oblivious to my heart fissuring. "I'm meeting the senior clinicians this morning so I'll see you later."

  No kiss goodbye, no glance over his shoulder. I'd been summarily dismissed, like what we'd shared meant nothing.

  Numb, I stumbled out of bed, pulled my clothes on and grabbed my overnight bag. I did a sweep of the room, ensuring I hadn't left anything behind. Because I had no intention of coming back here again.

  We were over. Done and dusted.

  And it hurt like the devil.

  Chapter 15

  JOEL

  I stared at my reflection in the mirror, hating what I saw. A brutal, lying bastard who didn't give a shit about anyone but himself.

  Fuck, I hated what I'd just done to Annabelle. I gripped the edge of the washbasin to stop from wrenching open the bathroom door and running after her.

  She hadn't deserved that.

  She'd asked a simple question and I'd shut down. It had been inevitable but I hadn't expected it so soon. We'd had one amazing week together, seven blissful days when I'd been happier than I'd ever been. And I owed all that to Annabelle.

  We were a good team, both in and out of work. And for a brief, insane moment I had entertained the thought of making this a more permanent arrangement.

  But for Annabelle, that meant going back to Uppity-Doo and that's the one thing I couldn't do. I could happily spend more time with her, even trial a real relationship. But heading home to that backwater hick country town would be akin to dying a slow death. Better to make a clean break now before she got in any deeper.

  Damn, I knew going into this it would end up more than a fling. Sex with Annabelle had complication written all over it. Then I'd made the mistake of actually feeling something for her, letting all the old memories flood in and enjoying creating new ones and … yep, one giant fuck-up of my own creation.

  I didn't have a meeting scheduled with the senior clinicians this morning but suddenly, it became imperative I instigate my usual getaway plan.

  I had to leave. Sooner rather than later. Sooner the better.

  I'd head to the clinic first, where the owner was doing inventory of the gym equipment, and hand in my notice. Then I'd do the hardest thing I would ever do: say goodbye to Annabelle.

  #

  ANNABELLE

  Two hours later, I was still in zombie mode. Doing things by rote: showering, drying hair, putting clothes on. All the while wondering 'what the hell happened?'

  One minute I'd been cocooned in Joel's bed, the next he'd slammed the door on our relationship faster than I could manipulate a lumbar vertebra.

  Because despite his resistance to anything possibly resembling the R word, the way we'd hung out over the last week, the way we'd connected emotionally and physically, was in every sense of the word a relationship.

  He'd shut down completely when I'd hinted at prolonging this beyond Denver and even now I shivered at the memory of his audible chill.

  Guess I was back to the awkwardness of my first week at the clinic, having to work with him and pretend nothing was wrong. Though this time would be much worse because I'd fallen for him. Harder than I had years ago and that was saying something.

  Joel was the same funny, laid back, warm guy who liked to tease and make me laugh. But with age had come a depth to his character that made me want him on a level far beyond his charismatic façade. He was sensitive and intuitive and knew how to make me feel good.

  And I'd miss him more than was humanly possible.

  I flopped down on my bed, linked my hands behind my head and stared at the ceiling until my eyes burned. I wouldn't cry. I'd done enough of that in the shower and had bloodshot eyes to prove it. Besides, tears led to self-recriminations and I didn't regret anything with Joel, no matter how shitty I felt now.

  So I'd had my heart broken. Wasn't the first time he'd done it, but it sure as hell would be the last. It was natural I'd wallow. Came with the territory of handing him my heart on a platter alongside a giant carving knife. But I had to get a grip on my sorrow while I was in Denver because once I headed home in just over a week I needed to focus. I had final exams to nail and no way would I jeopardize my career over a guy who didn't want me.

  Joel didn't want me.

  There. I'd admitted it.

  Damn, why did it have to hurt so frikking much?

  A knock sounded at my door. I ignored it. I didn't want to see anyone, not when I was likely to slug them or blubber all over them.

  "Open up, Bellie, we need to talk."

  I scrambled up and hugged my knees to my chest. I didn't want to talk to Joel, no matter how hard my traitorous heart flipped at the sound of his voice.

  "I'm not going away 'til we talk so unless you want your entire dorm gossiping about this for the next week—"

  "Prick," I muttered, reluctantly swinging my legs off the bed and padding to the door.

  Technically, I shouldn't give a flying fig what everyone thought as I'd be leaving in ten days, but I daren't risk anything tarnishing my professional reputation, not when I was this close to the end of my degree.

  I opened the door, grabbed his shirt and hauled him in. "Stop blabbing out there." I kicked the door shut and crossed my arms, hating how my body responded to him on a visceral level I had no hope of controlling. "There's nothing left to say—"

  "I'm leaving." He frowned and dragged a hand over his face. "Flying out to New Zealand tomorrow."

  I felt my jaw drop, and I closed it with a resounding snap as my knees buckled. Plopping down on the bed, I stared in bewilderment at the guy I thought might’ve changed just a tad after what we’d shared. But I’d been deluding myself. I sho
uldn’t be surprised by his urge to run. But this soon?

  "Just like that?" I finally managed to say, allowing the iciness surrounding my heart to flow through my body, sluggish through my veins, freezing every part of me.

  "It's what I do." He shrugged, as if he had no control over his actions. "Move on."

  "It's what you do?" I laughed, a high-pitched giggle bordering on hysteria and totally devoid of amusement. "Yeah, I guess it is."

  Hurt darkened his eyes. "I wanted to say goodbye and tell you that what we had over the last week was—"

  "Spare me the bullshit." I held up my hands. "You don't need to trot out a string of trite platitudes that don't mean anything."

  I stood, the coldness of my limbs defrosting by a slow burning anger that spread. "You're doing a runner yet again because you're shit-scared of anything resembling an emotion." I smacked my chest. "I get it. Believe me, if anyone gets what a chicken-shit you are, it's me."

  He paled and took a step toward me. "This time was different—"

  I sneered. "How was it different?" I looked him up and down like I couldn't stand the sight of him. "We got close. You run. So how the hell is it different?"

  "Because I care about you …" he trailed off, his expression stricken. "I've always cared, dammit!"

  Shaken by his vehement declaration, I mustered more indignant outrage. "Really? Because you have a funny way of showing it." I shook my head, not wanting to prolong this. "Guess I should be grateful you had the balls to say goodbye to my face this time."

  I got it. He was feeling bad and didn't want to leave the same way as graduation night. But that didn't mean I had to suffer through a bunch of apologetic crap just so he could feel better.

  "This isn't about you …" He spun away, paced to the other end of my tiny room, before swinging back to face me again. "The running away? It's because I can't stay in one place for too long."

  Okay, so he'd piqued my curiosity. And against my better judgment I clamped down on my bitterness. "Why?"

  When his eyes met mine, I felt the jolt of agony all the way down to my soul. "Because I don't want to end up like my dad."

  Confused, I dredged up the memories I had of Nathan Goodes. Quiet guy, reclusive, introverted, before he died in his forties of a heart attack. Joel had been a kid, early teens, but he'd coped really well. Or so I'd thought.

  "Your dad was a good guy—"

  "My dad died of boredom being shackled to a small town he despised. He didn't want to be there but Mum wouldn't move because of her precious damn practice and his loyalty ultimately killed him!" The truth exploded out of him in an angry torrent that left me open-mouthed again. "I never want to be that guy. Ever."

  Surprised he'd revealed so much of himself, I scrambled for the right thing to say. "Your folks always looked happy."

  Joel's upper lip curled. "That's because Dad put on a brave face. I heard them once, arguing …"

  He shook his head, as if trying to dispel painful memories. "It doesn't matter, but I wanted you to know this has nothing to do with you."

  He snagged my hand before I could move. "You're amazing. And I'm sorry."

  "That's a cop out, saying this has nothing to do with me.” I swallowed, willing the tears away. “It has everything to do with me."

  He stared at me, understanding making the flecks in his eyes glow.

  "I'm a homebody who can't wait to get back to Uppity-Doo." I slipped my hand free of his and he let me. "But I have a feeling it wouldn't matter if I agreed to follow you from city to city to the ends of the earth, you'd still keep running, wouldn't you?"

  Sadness downturned his mouth and the fact he glanced away gave me my answer.

  "I'm not a stayer."

  I only just caught his addendum, "and never will be."

  Knuckling my eyes, I dragged in a few calming breaths before I could speak. "I'm sorry, too. Sorry that you're living your life based on fear. Sorry that you'll never experience the joy of growing attached to anyone." I sniffed back a snivel. "And most of all, sorry that you think what we share isn’t worth fighting for."

  He reached for me then but I couldn't let him touch me, couldn't let him shatter the last of my defenses. My fragility was a tangible thing, like my skin would crack and peel away if he stayed one moment longer.

  So I stepped around him, opened the door and gestured for him to leave.

  With one last, sorrowful glance, he did.

  Only then did I allow myself to fall apart. I slid to the ground, pressed my cheek to the cold floorboards, and sobbed my heart out.

  Chapter 16

  ANNABELLE

  After completing my final week at the clinic in Denver, I flew home. And now had seven long days to get my head back in the game, focusing on nothing but orthopedics, and my final exam, before I became a fully-fledged physio.

  I could've stayed in Melbourne, but I did what I always did when I felt fragile. I headed home. Uppity-Doo may be short on fast food outlets and designer stores, but that's what I needed most right now. Tranquility. Familiarity. A place I could nurse my bruised heart while pretending I didn't give a shit.

  There was only one problem. I hadn't banked on this place reminding me of Joel.

  Crazy, considering I'd stepped off this train countless times in the three years I'd been studying in Melbourne and hadn't been this overwhelmed by memories. Memories of Joel hooning down the main street on his motorbike. Of Joel teasing me over the counter of the main café in town where I'd worked while at high school. Of Joel wolf whistling at me the day I'd walked out of the sole boutique in town clinging to my prom dress.

  Then again, those other times I hadn't spent the most intense month of my life falling in love.

  Cursing under my breath, I hoisted my backpack higher on my shoulder and tugged my wheelie suitcase behind me as I headed for the station exit. Mum would be waiting, despite telling her not to bother. She always picked me up when I returned home, pretending that she hadn't missed me as much as I'd missed her.

  That's one of the things I'd love about coming back here to live: Mum. During the stress of studying or any boyfriend upheavals, she was a constant. Reliable. As familiar as the mud-brick cottage I'd lived in my entire life.

  My dad was cool too, but he hadn't been home much when I'd been growing up, continually travelling for his job as a band agent. It hadn't surprised me when he'd settled in Sydney, a far cry from Uppity-Doo. It did surprise me that my folks never divorced. Then again, Mum seemed content and on the few occasions I'd seen Dad over the years he seemed happy too. Who was I to question the weirdness of their marriage considering I'd never made a relationship work?

  I couldn't fathom Joel not wanting to visit his mum, despite the fears he'd voiced. How could popping home every now and then bind him here? No matter what had happened to his dad and how he didn't want to end up like him, his aversion to Uppity-Doo bordered on crazy.

  "Annabelle, love, over here." Mum waved as I wound my way through the station's exit and the moment I caught sight of her I wanted to bawl.

  Instead, I pasted a smile on my face and rushed to meet her, welcoming her enveloping hug.

  "Great to see you, Mum." I squeezed tight, reluctant to let go, because I knew she'd take one look at my face and know something was wrong.

  True enough, as we eased apart, she stared at me, a tiny frown denting her brow. "Darling, you look pale. Everything okay?"

  I nodded. "Just jetlag, and the pressure of final exams."

  "You'll be fine, love." She tried to grab my suitcase handle but I bumped her away. "You're the smartest person I know. Next to me, of course."

  I laughed, loving the teasing byplay that was one of Mum’s trademarks. "It's good to be home."

  "I've missed you." She slid an arm around my waist and squeezed. "Though I know you're only back to study, so I'll stay out of your way."

  I hadn't said anything to Mum about coming home permanently to Uppity-Doo once I finished uni, not wanting to get her hopes
up in case I changed my mind.

  But travelling to Denver and living in Melbourne merely solidified what I'd always known deep down: I was a country girl at heart.

  This is where I belonged. I wanted to work here, to raise my family here, to give my kids the same sense of belonging I'd always had, yet with the freedom to choose their own future.

  As Mum bustled me toward the car, I laid a hand on her arm. "Mum, I'm not only back for this week."

  She stared at me in confusion so I continued. "Once I pass my final exams and my registration comes through, I'm coming home." I gestured to the town. "I want to live here."

  A slow smile spread across her face, her eyes instantly tearing up. "That's wonderful, love."

  Her smile faded. "But are you sure? As much as I'd love to have you home, this place isn't exactly a thriving metropolis like Melbourne, or that fancy college in Denver."

  She glanced around, her gaze sliding off the church spire, the goal posts at the footy oval next door, the sole main street. "Not much excitement in downtown Uppity-Doo these days."

  Like there ever was. But that's what I wanted. Stability. Peace. And a chance to heal my heart so I could one day, hopefully soon, have that life, that family, I'd always wanted.

  "Excitement's over-rated," I said, my faux cheerfulness earning another concerned glance from my mum. "Anyway, let's get through this week, and my final exam, before we map out my future, huh?"

  Mum nodded, her expression thoughtful, and I knew she was onto me. I reckon I'd last an hour at the kitchen table, being bombarded with her homemade lamingtons and fudge brownies, before I blurted the truth. Not that it was a bad thing. I'd always told Mum everything.

  Except about my crush on Joel.

  Being neighbors, she was close with Kate Goodes, and the last thing I’d needed over the years was the two of them lamenting Joel's lack of good sense. Or worse, matchmaking.