by Jamie Berris
Lots of hugs and kisses, love ya,
Mom
P.S. Maybe you could talk Grandma into making a big pot of chicken and dumplings for you. It always made you feel better when you were upset about something. And since you’re the only one in the house that can stomach it, you’ll get it all to yourself.
P.P.S. When I was eleven, I threw up for three days after eating those dumplings. Haven’t eaten them since! I know. I know. You’ve heard that story a thousand times. Now you’ve heard it a thousand and one times.
P.P.P.S. Is there such a thing? I mean as P.P.P.S?
Luckily, Sadie had opened the letter from her mom the morning of the funeral. She quickly sent out a mass email asking people to wear color and most did. Yes, Mrs. Briggs had that horrific feather thing on her head. Nicholas didn’t blurt out anything embarrassing, but he begged to touch it, and Mrs. Briggs was delighted.
Chapter 2
Dear Sadie,
I know you are hurting deeply, but guess what? I’m free of pain now—no more suffering, no more worrying, no more questioning, no more tears. I’ve been set free of all that, and I’m playing tennis in Heaven. My, how I’ve improved since I’ve gotten here! Please laugh and wipe away that tear.
Sadie, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be a little angry and sad, but please don’t let my death consume you—don’t be bitter, baby girl. When you miss the sound of my voice, watch our family videos. When you want to see my face, look to all the pictures. When you want to feel my love for you, stop and close your eyes, quiet yourself, and feel me with you.
The first year without me will be tough, really tough. As the days go by, it will get easier, I promise. You have to allow it. I want you to go on living, not sulking. Hang out with your friends and Dylan, play tennis, watch funny movies, and laugh. Spend endless hours texting nonsense, Snapchatting, and doing whatever you do on Instagram. Crank the music in your bedroom as loud as ever and sing. Find happiness, Sadie—it’s all around you to embrace, if you let yourself.
Without a doubt, I know you’ll be a great role model and big sister to Nicholas. Keep my memory alive for him. Smother him with hugs, kisses, and love. Most of all, teach him to be a gentleman and use his manners.
Please have patience with Jayna. God knows you’ll need it with her! You two share such a special, deep bond of friendship, but you are a typical set of sisters and you will have your occasional blowouts. Don’t sweat the small stuff, Sadie; treasure the closeness you two share. Having two sisters of my own, I know what amazing friends they are; I want you two to also have that.
Go easy on Dad, Sadie. He’s new at this single father stuff, and it’s my fault for not allowing him in the laundry room . . . or the kitchen really. At least he can grill!
Oh, Sadie, I feel like I’ve left you with so much responsibility. I wish I could just tell you to remain a kid and not grow up too fast, but who am I kidding? That’s impossible. So I guess I’ll leave you with this today: Stay true to yourself. I couldn’t be prouder of the young woman you’ve become.
I love you, Sadie.
Mom
Her dad was at work, and Sadie was stuck home with Jayna and Nicholas. At twelve, almost thirteen, Jayna was old enough to babysit Nicholas by herself, but the last couple of weeks he’d been acting out, throwing tantrums, and wetting the bed, obviously missing his mommy.
Sadie was far more sympathetic toward Nicholas than Jayna was, and she also had the patience that Jayna lacked. So even though she hated that she felt like a prisoner at home while all her friends, including Dylan, were at the beach, she knew Nicholas needed her, and he meant the world to Sadie.
Sadie had made a promise to her mom that she would be there for her brother, and she was not going to break it. Never did she realize how tough and tiring it was going to be.
Jayna and her friend Chrissie were doing handstands in the pool and asked Sadie to judge them on a scale of one to ten. Sadie sighed; all she really wanted to do was be alone with her magazines. Hadn’t she entertained enough today already? And really, how old were they?
Ignoring Jayna and Chrissie, she checked her phone and noticed she had several text messages. The first was from Dylan.
Hey sexy, what r u doin? Wish u were here. Miss u, luv, D.
The next was from Myla.
I’m spending the night. Have so much to tell you.
The last was from Kyla.
The parents are making me go to my brother’s stupid All Star baseball game tonight. I’m going to miss my besties, but I’ll be over first thing in the morning. Ciao.
After replying to her texts, Sadie closed her eyes and relaxed, feeling the sun on her face. Just as she started to doze off, Nicholas came running outside, crying, his shorts and bottom half of his T-shirt soaked from another accident.
Nicholas dove into Sadie’s arms.
“I want Mommy,” he screamed.
“I know, bud. I know,” said Sadie as she cuddled him and kissed his teary cheeks. They’d told Nicholas that mom was living in Heaven with Jesus, but lately when Sadie brought it up, he’d cover his ears and yell at her to be quiet. Last week he sat in the car for over an hour while he pleaded for his dad to drive him to Heaven to visit his mommy.
Chrissie bounded out of the pool. Wrapping herself in a towel, she offered to go strip the bed and throw the sheets in the wash for Sadie. Jayna, on the other hand, acted oblivious to what was going on and continued fetching diving sticks. Sadie wondered for the millionth time if it was immaturity, denial, anger, or just plain selfishness. Whatever Jayna’s problem was, Sadie didn’t have the energy to deal with her sister.
She thanked Chrissie for the help and took Nicholas inside to change him into his swimsuit. Why bathe him when she could put some swimmies on him and let him paddle around for an hour?
On their way back outside, Sadie stopped in the kitchen for a glass of iced tea. She was going to crash if she didn’t get some caffeine in her system, and Jayna had drained the last of her Cherry Coke Zero that was clearly labeled with Sadie’s name. “I want ice cream,” Nicholas said as Sadie opened the freezer for ice cubes.
About to say “no” to the second bowl today—the first was at 9:30 this morning—Sadie caved, avoiding the controversy. “Sprinkles and whipped cream too?” she asked.
Chapter 3
Sadie
Sadie played with the charm bracelet on her wrist as she waited for Dylan to pick her up. Dylan had bought her the charm bracelet for Christmas with a charm shaped like a heart that said love. For her fifteenth birthday, he added a charm that said always. After her mother died, he gave her a charm that had a dove on it and said peace.
The air was already balmy and thick with humidity at eleven in the morning as she sat on the front steps. She couldn’t handle listening to any more of her dad’s rules. She wanted to hop in Dylan’s getaway car as soon as the Mustang pulled in the driveway.
“I don’t like you alone in the car with him,” Kurt said regularly.
“How else are we supposed to go to the movies or meet up with friends?” Sadie always replied.
Sadie knew he was only trying to protect her, but it felt more like smothering. She and Dylan were meeting up with a big group at the beach for the 4th of July.
She had packed her overnight bag because she was staying the night at Kyla’s cottage. Her dad hadn’t asked whether or not Kyla’s parents were going to be there, and Sadie didn’t mention that they were in Chicago.
Sadie was excited about the night ahead and nervous too. She was still a virgin. She and Dylan had talked about having sex, but they hadn’t yet. Tucked deep in her overnight bag was the package of pills she had started taking a few weeks ago.
Last night on the phone, Dylan mentioned how excited he was to spend an entire day and night with Sadie. A ripple ran through her from head to toe. She took that as a sign that she was ready. She was basically in tenth grade! She was still only fifteen, her conscience told her. She should wait until she was
married or at least in college. At the very least it should be with someone she was totally in love with. Hmm, she was totally in love with Dylan, wasn’t she?
Sadie had talked to her two best friends, Myla and Kyla, about having sex. Myla was a virgin and claimed she would be until her wedding night. Kyla had already had sex with her then boyfriend over spring break. Sadie was still torn.
Dylan’s hand was resting on Sadie’s thigh as they drove to the beach. The windows were rolled down and the music was turned up loud. The sweltering heat caused Sadie to stick to the leather seats, and yet she had goose bumps.
At the beach, their Beats Pill was blaring tunes from Megan Trainor, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, The Chainsmokers, and Pit Bull. Sadie joined the girls stretched out on their beach towels, chatting, while the guys played catch with a football and surfed the shoreline on their skim boards. Without a second to run, Dylan, Riley, and Zack scooped up Sadie, Myla, and Kyla from their towels. The girls were kicking and screaming as the boys ran them full force into the cool waters of Lake Michigan.
Lucky for Sadie, her top was tied; Kyla, well, she wasn’t quite as lucky. It took Zack ten minutes to find it in the water since the current was strong and quickly carried it away. If Zack planned on staying at Kyla’s cottage tonight, he had some serious sucking up to do.
Once Sadie got used to the water, it wasn’t so bad. She clung to Dylan, her arms and legs wrapped tightly around him. His body was warm, muscled, and tan. They were kissing and floating around in the water as their friends splashed and dunked each other around them.
Dylan’s nose was pressed to Sadie’s as he looked deep in her eyes. “Is tonight the night?”
“I think there could be some serious fireworks in the air tonight,” she said and kissed him because she didn’t know what else to say.
The previous winter Lydia had taken Sadie to her first OB-GYN appointment. Thank God it was quick, but it was embarrassing all the same. Since Lydia knew she would not be alive for the next appointment and she knew Dylan and Sadie were serious, she had suggested Sadie start taking birth control pills.
Sadie had acted offended, telling her mother she had no intention of having sex with Dylan. Of course, the first part of that was true, but the second part she was uncertain of.
That was all everyone talked about at school: who was doing it, where they were doing it, and if they were on the pill or they used condoms.
Everyone knew Dylan and Sadie hadn’t done it yet, and she was feeling some pressure. Sadie caved and told her mom how she felt about Dylan and that she was considering having sex with him. She couldn’t believe in a million years she was having this conversation with her mother! Lydia reminded Sadie that this was their only chance, and it was a hurdle that she dreaded, but didn’t dare leave it up to dad.
Lydia told Sadie they were getting a supply of pills no matter what. In the end, Lydia had said it was Sadie’s choice whether to take them or not, and she made it very clear that Sadie not misunderstand her intentions.
Lydia firmly sided against Sadie having sex, told her she would be disappointed, but she felt it was her duty to take this next step with her daughter before she died. It was the responsible parental thing to do.
Her mom’s voice still echoed in Sadie’s head. Lydia had been halfway out the door when she turned around with the strangest look on her face. “Sadie, sex doesn’t mean love, and you can be in love and not have sex. And sex can hurt, really hurt, the people you love if you’re not careful.” Lydia started to walk out again and stopped one more time. “And, Sadie, babies can come from anything. They aren’t always produced out of love or with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.”
With that, she said dinner would be ready in a half hour, and she walked out of Sadie’s bedroom.
Chapter 4
Sadie
“Ouch, not so hard, Jayna. I have a sunburn, remember!”
Sadie had given Jayna the duty of putting sunscreen on her back, and she failed miserably. After floating in the pool face down on a raft half the afternoon, Sadie was more than pink; her back was burnt to a crisp.
“I’m barely touching you. Jeez, relax,” said Jayna, squirting more aloe on her sister’s back.
“You just squirted it in the shape of a heart. Does that mean you’re asking for forgiveness?” snickered Sadie.
Jayna ignored Sadie and closed the lid. Sadie’s back was so hot that the gel quickly turned to liquid. “Do you think she watches us all the time?”
Jayna didn’t have to specify. Sadie knew she was talking about their mom. “I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like she’s an angel flying above, looking down on us, just observing, and maybe putting thoughts in our heads. Other times I feel like maybe her spirit is housed inside of us and she is along for the ride and sees things and feels things as we do.”
Sadie was lying face down on her bed, and Jayna was sitting next to her, rubbing the aloe in. Jayna started drawing letters, something they had done since they were little to help them fall asleep at night. Knowing the drill, Sadie instantly started calling the letters out as Jayna wrote them. I miss Mom was her first message. I love you was her second message, which took Sadie by surprise; they had been extra catty to each other these past few weeks. Sadie knew Jayna was hurting badly, she hadn’t said I love you in as long as Sadie could remember.
She turned to stare at her sister. She hadn’t gotten a haircut all summer, so it hung more than halfway down her back, and the bottom three inches were bleached a blondish green from the pool, while the top was full of light caramel streaks. Jayna had lost about five pounds, which wasn’t much for the average person, but Jayna was skin and bones to begin with. She simply hadn’t developed any curves yet.
“Jayna, this is the worst it can get. It will get better as time goes on. I mean it’s only been three months.” Sadie didn’t know what else to say and wasn’t even sure she believed herself.
“How can it get better?” Jayna whispered, on the verge of tears. “Nothing is going to bring her back. I think about her from the second I wake up to the second I go to bed. I want to wake up and feel happy, and without Mom, I don’t see how that will ever happen.”
Sadie took Jayna’s hand. It was warm and sticky from the aloe. “Want to ask Dad if we can ride our bikes into town and get ice cream? C’mon, it will be fun, just the two of us. We’ll have to hurry; it’ll be dark soon.
“I spent my allowance already.” Jayna smirked.
“I doubt that’s true, but I’ll buy anyway.”
“A large peanut butter cup flurry with extra whipped cream does sound good.”
“Mooo, mooo,” Sadie teased, but wished her sister would eat about four of them.
They both giggled and Sadie hugged her little sister.
Chapter 5
Kurt
Kurt took Lydia’s diary out of his nightstand drawer. Lydia had kept a personal diary since she was seven years old. She documented her daily life over 13,000 times, rarely missing a day. Once Lydia finished a diary, she put it in a plastic tub in the basement. Dozens of full tubs took up an entire wall of floor-to-ceiling shelves that Kurt had built her in the storage room.
Kurt had suggested she go digital and start writing on her laptop. “SanDisk’s take up way less space,” he’d argued. Lydia told Kurt that was the most ludicrous thing that had ever come out of his mouth.
He had never read a single entry until after his wife died. Lydia had asked Kurt early on in their relationship to respect her privacy and keep his hands and eyes off. Even though he was always curious, Kurt didn’t want to break his promise and told Lydia she could trust him.
While they were dating, he was very intrigued, and even still when they were first married. From time to time, he would peek over her shoulder or read a couple of lines when she left it open on the nightstand or in the chair on the front porch. As the years went on, the diaries lost their appeal. Kurt had about as much interest in reading his wife’s diary as h
e had reading the National Enquirer from the supermarket check-out lane.
Now that his wife was gone, besides his children, her diaries were the best gifts she’d left him. They were the keys to the memories of their past together. The diaries also held the answers to so many questions that still plagued his mind from an extremely difficult time in their marriage, a time that he was glad he didn’t walk away from, because even though he acted strong, inside he often felt like giving up, becoming another statistic of divorce.
When Kurt opened the container dated back five years ago, he felt an overwhelming ache for his wife. He could smell Lydia on the pages. The neat, right slant of her handwriting was one of those simple things that he never imagined he’d miss.
Once Kurt found the bundle of diaries he was specifically looking for, he took them upstairs and sat in the dark living room with the truth resting on his lap.
February 4, 2009
Marissa and I went shopping and out to lunch today. I got the cutest boots—nothing like retail therapy! Anyway, Marissa and I had another long talk about her and Marcus. Their marriage is extremely strained.
She complained that he was never around. If he wasn’t working, he was in whatever seasonal league or sport he could be in—golf, poker night, hunting, the cigar club—it was basketball at the moment.
Marcus has been traveling more than ever for work, and Marissa feels like some of it may not be necessary, that it is just to get away, and possibly get away to someone else. She is sick of feeling like a single mother to Paige, selling real estate, and taking care of the house by herself.
To comfort herself, she shops. Oops, I talked her into a new Armani Collezioni suit for work today. Marcus yells at her to stop spending so much money. He says the reason he travels and works such long hours is because she’s constantly spending. She says she spends out of spite because he’s never around . . . blah, blah, blah. It’s not good!