Whispering Waves

by Jamie Berris

  Sadie and Jayna talked about their mom and tried to keep her memory alive around the house, but the outside world didn’t seem to care so much about her mom dying anymore; they were past it. Except for family, Dylan, and occasionally Myla and Kyla, Sadie felt funny mentioning her mother around most people. And the last thing she wanted to be was morbid and whiney, needing sympathy from others.

  Dear Sadie,

  As you go through life, you are going to make mistakes. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself, and move on. I can’t tell you how many nights I lay in bed, wide awake, beating myself up for not being the perfect mother, wife, sister, daughter, or friend. It’s stupid really—a waste of time.

  I’m not saying that you should go through life being selfish and living carelessly. Please work your hardest to be a kind, compassionate, loving, giving, and selfless person. BUT allow yourself to make mistakes. Just own up to them, promise yourself you’ll try your hardest to do better, and be done with it.

  I wasted so much time in my life feeling guilty over things I said and did. If I blew up at you kids, I would convince myself I was the worst mom on the planet. If I turned one of you kids away because I just really didn’t feel like playing Barbies that day, I would lose sleep over it that night. Pretty soon I was so consumed with me and my “bad” behavior that I was literally caught in my own trap.

  You’re probably rolling your eyes about this right now, but it will make sense someday. You can’t be everything to everyone, Sadie, so just know your best is good enough. Don’t sweat the small stuff, honey, and the big stuff, well . . . you’ve got to rely on your faith.

  I’m trying my hardest not to lecture, because I know you tune me out anyway. But someday you’ll appreciate my words of wisdom. Remember on the days you feel like you have nothing to give, a smile or a hug might be all someone else needs!

  I love you, Sadie,

  Mom

  Chapter 19

  Sadie

  Dinner was beachside over a roaring fire that no one could get too close to because it was already scorching hot in the evening sun. The fireball in the sky was lowering toward the lake, but the temperature was not.

  Sadie buttered two pieces of bread and placed them in the hobo pie maker for Nicholas. “What do you want on your pizza?” She spread sauce over the bread and sprinkled a handful of mozzarella.

  “Extra cheese and pepperoni,” he said, grabbing a fistful of pepperoni and throwing it toward Sadie.

  “Slow down, champ,” she said, grabbing the bag of pepperoni before Nicholas dove into it again.

  “Hey, why don’t you let me cook his pizza while you make one for yourself,” said Travis. He folded the hobo stick, clamped it, and carried it over to the fire before Sadie had a chance to protest. Not that she cared if he did it, she was just used to preparing Nicholas’s food for him.

  Sadie stood there for a second, dumbfounded that the thought would even cross Travis’s mind. She watched Nicholas run behind Travis to the fire, and the two of them knelt down in search for the hottest coals. Nicholas was already clinging to Travis, desperate for a big brother to play with.

  Andrea walked up behind Sadie, juggling a dish of coleslaw, a bowl of tortellini salad, and a bag of chips. She dropped them on the picnic table and looked toward the fire. “Looks like Travis finally found his long lost brother.”

  Sadie smirked. “Ha, I was thinking the same of Nicholas.”

  Andrea and Benton also had a daughter, Bella, but she was nineteen, three years older than Travis, and studying abroad this summer in Europe.

  “Sometimes I wish Jayna was a brother to Nicholas instead of a sister.” Sadie chuckled. “Maybe she would be a little more help and play with him, at the very least, a good role model.”

  Andrea smiled. “Jayna reminds me of myself. I was never much for kids growing up. I babysat twice and never again. I hated it! I couldn’t stand crying babies, or playing dolls, or trying to calm them when their parents left.”

  “And you had two of your own?”

  “Believe me it took a lot of coaxing from Benton to get me to agree to children. I went into it with my armor up. I told him I was still going to work full-time, be in my book club, my walking group, and we were not going to give up our Tuesday night golf league or our Saturday date nights.

  “Then, there I was in the hospital with Bella in my arms, telling Benton there was no way I was going back to work in six weeks, or ever. Hitting a golf ball and chasing after it suddenly seemed petty, and I couldn’t keep my eyes open long enough to read two pages in the best of books.

  “Once they put her in my arms, I was a changed woman forever. Jayna may change someday too. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help you much now with Nicholas.”

  Sadie laughed. “I’ll probably be the one who doesn’t have kids because I’ll be so worn out from Jayna and Nicholas. Jayna will probably have a half dozen!”

  “Where is Jayna, anyway?”

  “She’s having dinner with Liz and her grandparents. She said they’re having real food—steaks and salmon on the grill.” Sadie rolled her eyes and sighed. “She was the one who was so excited to be in Pentwater and cook hobo pie pizzas and cherry and apple pies over the fire. Now it’s not good enough for her.”

  “Well, once we whip out the dough boys tonight, she’ll come running.”

  “Oh, don’t get me wrong—it’s quite alright she isn’t here. When Jayna is in a mood, it’s best she isn’t around. She is either sweet as pie or a royal pain in my rear! Speaking of dough boys, can you believe Cody has never had one in his life? Travis and I were teasing him last night.”

  “Sheltered.” Andrea laughed. “By the way, why didn’t you bring a friend? I put the bug in your dad’s ear. I was kind of hoping you would, and the four of you could hang out, you know. I mean, not that you can’t with just you three, but, well, you know,” Andrea fumbled.

  Sadie glanced sideways at Andrea and wondered if Travis ever talked about her or if Andrea noticed the way Travis looked at Sadie. She immediately felt bad. What did it matter anyway? She had a boyfriend.

  “I mean . . . I know you have a boyfriend, Sadie, but I just thought then you wouldn’t feel like a third wheel.”

  Sadie tried to hide her feelings. She didn’t even understand them herself, but she wondered if Andrea knew something Sadie didn’t or if she could read into Sadie or something.

  “I don’t mind all the attention. Besides, I wanted to get through this first week alone. Maybe next week I’ll invite a friend up, maybe two, one for Travis and Cody.” However, Sadie knew that Travis was off limits for Myla and Kyla.

  Kurt and Benton arrived to the fire, carrying a cooler filled with drinks and some Tiki torches to light when the sun set. Kurt put his arm around Sadie’s shoulders and gave her a squeeze. “Thanks for getting Nicholas going. He was starving. Why don’t you make yourself something, honey? I’ll get the rest of his plate. Does he eat coleslaw?”

  “No, Dad, Nicholas hates coleslaw. Give him some tortellini.” Sadie didn’t mean to sound annoyed, but it kind of came out that way. Didn’t he pay attention to anything?

  Sadie decided she would make Travis a pizza at the same time she made her own. She knew all he liked was cheese. He had always been an extremely picky eater. Andrea would always scold him when they were kids, telling him he should try new things and eat more like Sadie. Funny, the things she remembered.

  She slipped in next to Cody by the fire. He was on his third attempt to try and not scorch his pizza. He was clearly an amateur at this beach living stuff, but he was adamant about experiencing it all. Sadie was quickly learning that Cody brought out the fun side in people wherever he went. He was a bit of a prankster, but basically a big goofball that she couldn’t help but like. He was cute too, with dark hair and deep blue eyes.

  Cody looked at the two pizza pies in Sadie’s hands, “Hungry?”

  “I thought I’d make one for Travis, since he helped me out w
ith Nicholas.” She ignored Cody’s sly grin. “But . . . if you burn yours again, you can have it.”

  “Third one’s a charm,” he said, unclamping the sticks and peering inside at his pizza. “Oh, damn!”

  Sadie rolled her eyes. “Again?”

  “Kidding—it’s perfect!” Cody sauntered off to the picnic table like a proud little boy who just used the potty for the first time.

  ~*~

  Sadie, Travis, and Cody were out for their nightly walk. No sneaking out this time. After watching the sunset and making doughboys over the fire, they told their parents they were going to walk the pier. It was nearly eleven o’clock and the beach was deserted.

  The sky was clear and starry and the air was still warm. Nothing more than the slightest ripple came ashore as they walked barefoot along the water’s edge.

  “My gut hurts,” Cody said, placing his hand on his stomach.

  “That’s because you ate an entire roll of dough, you idiot!” Travis gave Cody a friendly push, and he stumbled in the water, almost tripping.

  Cody groaned and belched. “But they were sooo freaking good I couldn’t stop.”

  “Don’t be a pig, man. There’s a lady here.”

  Sadie wondered when Travis had grown up. He seemed so much more mature than most of the guys she knew from school, aka Dylan’s friends, and they were older, graduated! Not that Travis wasn’t a typical sixteen-year-old, but he was different somehow, more caring. Was he like this to every girl or just her?

  Travis was a lot like his dad. Benton was the kind of husband who catered to his wife. He was always affectionate and helpful and eager to please Andrea. Travis had a good role model.

  Sadie didn’t remember her dad being like that with her mom. They were more traditional. Lydia stayed home and cared for her family while Kurt worked hard and took care of the lawn and played “Mr. Fix It” around the house.

  Sure, her mom and dad kissed each other when they came and went and said “I love you” to each other, but they didn’t hold hands in public, or rub each other’s shoulders, and they certainly never made each other’s plates and ate off each other’s forks the way Benton and Andrea did.

  There was no doubt in Sadie’s mind that her mom and dad loved each other, but Andrea and Benton had the kind of marriage that people were envious of. Sadie not only could see this with her own eyes, but she remembered overhearing her mom telling Andrea those exact words only two summers ago. She had forgotten about it until now.

  As the three approached the pier, they could hear voices of other kids. Travis chuckled. “Wow, maybe there’s teenage life around here after all.”

  They climbed on the cement pier, and Sadie couldn’t believe how warm it felt under her feet. Up ahead they saw several silhouettes and a lantern sitting on the edge of the channel side. In the silence of the night, the splash of bodies jumping in the water echoed. A few squeals and screams followed.

  “Holy crap, it’s freezing!” a girl squealed.

  Every hair on Sadie’s body stood up as she registered the voice she heard—Jayna! Sadie took off in a sprint towards the ladder next to the glow of the lantern. As Jayna reached the top rung and placed her foot on the pier, Sadie grabbed her arm and gave her a yank, sending them both flying backwards.

  “What the hell!” screamed Jayna, her face falling flat as she recognized her sister.

  “That’s what I should be asking! Have you lost your flippin’ mind, Jayna? Do you want to drown? There could be an undertow, a riptide. You could hit your head . . . and that would be the end of you.” Sadie’s chest was heaving. “Not to mention you can’t see a damn thing out here.”

  “Relax, Sadie. I’m fine,” Jayna snarled. “Quit trying to act like you’re my mother.”

  Before Sadie realized what she had done, it was too late. She hauled off and slapped Jayna across the face. “How dare you?” Sadie meant it in so many ways. “You have no respect, you selfish, brainless little brat.”

  Jayna lunged toward Sadie, ready to attack. “Jayna, back off!” Liz yelled as she grabbed her and pulled her away from her sister.

  “What? Are you on her side, Liz?”

  “I’m not on anyone’s side, Jayna, but I am the one who talked you into coming out here. Seriously, Sadie, don’t be pissed at Jayna. I was the one who coaxed her into jumping into the channel. She said no at first. I’m sorry.”

  Liz sounded sincere, but Sadie wasn’t ready to cave. Dead silence met her as she stood in a crowd of at least ten kids. She was mad, no doubt, but she also felt humiliated. Leave it up to Jayna to pull something like this.

  Sadie knew she didn’t always make the best choices herself, but if there was ever one thing their mother and father were adamant about, it was no jumping or swimming off the pier. And here was Jayna in all her glory doing it in the pitch black of the night, all to impress a bunch of barely pubescent boys and girls.

  “You so much as put your little toe in that water again, and I swear I’ll drown you myself.” Sadie pushed through the wide-eyed bodies surrounding her and stormed back towards the beach.

  A few minutes later Travis and Cody caught up with her. “You okay?” asked Travis.

  Sadie plopped down in the sand and the boys did too. “Yeah, I probably overreacted. I know I’m no angel, but I’m not stupid.”

  “Well, if it’s any comfort, I don’t think Jayna will be jumping in again. She grabbed her towel, and she and Liz took off down the pier leading into town.”

  “Wonderful, next I can bail her out of the bar. Actually, what I wouldn’t give for a drink myself right about now.” No sooner had the words left Sadie’s mouth than the three of them looked at each other, knowing exactly where they could score some alcohol—their parents’ cooler by the fire.

  Chapter 20

  Sadie

  Kurt knocked on the bedroom door as he pushed it open. “Sadie, it’s 9:30, and Andrea is on the porch, wondering if you want to go for a walk.”

  Sadie’s head was pounding. Mixing beer and tequila from the cooler was not a bright idea. They hadn’t necessarily drunk a lot. All it took was two beers for Sadie to feel drunk, but they each did a few shots on top of it, and Sadie was not used to downing straight tequila with nothing but beer as a chaser.

  Who made the stupid choice now? Sadie’s inner voice teased her.

  “Tell her I’ll be down in a second.” Sadie tried her hardest to sound normal and wondered if her dad could still smell the alcohol on her. She doubted Travis and Cody felt like this, and they were probably still sleeping, anyway.

  Kurt nodded and left her room without another word. Sadie ran to the bathroom, splashed water on her face, and scrubbed her teeth and tongue until her mouth felt raw. She threw on her favorite yoga capris, a tank top, baseball cap, and sunglasses.

  It was Sadie that sent the REGRETS Bitmoji to Travis this morning. Her cute little comic self was sprawled out across a chair with a cool cloth on her forehead.

  In the kitchen, she guzzled a glass of water and bypassed her usual cup of coffee. The thought of it made her want to puke. She passed through the living room of the cottage on the way to the porch to find Nicholas glued to Sponge Bob with a bowl of dry Fruit Loops resting in his lap.

  “Are you supposed to be watching that, champ?”

  “Dad don’t care.”

  “Dad doesn’t care or dad doesn’t know?”

  Nicholas didn’t answer. He was too engrossed in the TV show to even hear Sadie, and Jayna’s voice echoed in Sadie’s head. Stop trying to act like my mother. She wasn’t their mother, so she kissed Nicholas on the forehead and walked out on the porch.

  Kurt and Andrea were laughing about something and stopped when Sadie came out.

  “Sorry I slept so late.”

  “No worries. You ready?” asked Andrea.

  Sadie tried to sound enthusiastic as she bounced down the steps to the sand. “Yep!” This was going to be painful.

  Andrea had on a short white running skirt
and a black and white Nike tank top. She was in very good shape. Andrea was athletic-looking with long muscular legs and toned arms. She was a natural blonde with a slight tint of red to her hair.

  They were both barefoot since they were going to walk down the lakeshore through the sand. Andrea carried a bottle of water with her, and Sadie wished she had grabbed one as well. They quickly fell into pace on the quiet beach.

  Andrea held out her palm. “Do you need these?” Two ibuprofen rested in her hand. She offered Sadie her water as well.

  Sadie looked at Andrea’s face, but she couldn’t see her eyes through the tinted sunglasses Andrea was wearing. She did notice a smirk on Andrea’s face though.

  “Thanks.” Sadie scooped them up and swallowed them down with the water.

  “You can have the bottle,” said Andrea. “Hangovers suck!”

  “How’d you know?” Sadie felt a little stupid and also wondered if her dad knew too.

  “I went to clean out the cooler this morning, and my tequila bottle was half empty, not to mention the beer was completely gone.”

  “Oh, sorry.” Sadie winced. “We were just going to do one shot of tequila each. I guess we went a little overboard. Did you mention this to my dad?”

  “No, I figured your body was punishing you enough as it was. And besides, Travis and Cody will be hearing from me. I should have woken those boys up and made them scrub floors or something.”

  “It was my idea. We found Jayna and Liz out on the pier, jumping in the channel with a bunch of other kids, and I blew up at her. For some reason, I thought hitting the cooler would help.” Sadie couldn’t believe how easy that just came out to Andrea, but wondered if she should have kept her mouth shut.

  Sadie felt her eyes get hot and her throat well up. “I get so sick of having to protect and take care of everyone. I made such a scene and complete idiots out of both of us. I don’t know why I even care. I do worse all the time—like raiding the cooler.”