Whispering Waves

by Jamie Berris

  It always irritated Sadie that Jayna was faster at throwing her cards out. She was sloppy, but quick. Sadie liked the piles in the center to be neatly stacked, and Jayna always had the cards flying. Lydia would let the girls stay up late in the summer, and they would play cards outside in the screened porch while listening to the sounds of the summer night. They would play until Lydia couldn’t stand the bickering between Sadie and Jayna any longer.

  They listened to the crickets through the window and sat in front of the fan swiveling back and forth on the floor. The old fan wasn’t very powerful, so the cards didn’t even rustle.

  “I have no clue what’s in the diary Dad brought here, or when it’s even from, but do you think we could sneak it out of his room?” Jayna suggested to Sadie as she laid out an eight, nine, and ten of clubs.

  “Yeah, probably in the morning if he takes Nicholas fishing or something.”

  “I meant tonight, right now, Sadie!”

  Sadie threw out a two of diamonds from her peanuts pile and scanned the playing field before she flipped over three cards from her hand. “How are you going to manage that? Dad’s in there asleep.”

  “I’ll walk in, grab it, and walk out. Dad sleeps through anything.”

  “Do you know where he’s been keeping it?” Sadie asked, while looking at Jayna closely. Maybe she had been reading it all along.

  “No, but chances are it’s either on the nightstand or lying in his basket of clothes. He’s not going to hide it under lock and key,” Jayna said sarcastically.

  Sadie raised her eyebrows in concern. “And if he wakes up and catches you?”

  “Ugh, seriously, Sadie, do you ponder, question, and analyze every move you make?”

  “Pretty much, yes.”

  Jayna rolled her eyes at her sister. “Just let me handle it, okay?”

  “Go for it. I forgot you’re good at stealing.”

  “You can be such a bitch, you know? Are you ever gonna let it go?”

  Sadie laughed. “Sorry, couldn’t resist.” She slapped the last card from her peanuts pile on top of the four of spades and yelled, “Peeeanuuuts!” while doing some goofy jive.

  “Big deal, no doubt I still racked up more points than you. Going out first doesn’t mean squat in this game.”

  “Who’s the bitch?” asked Sadie.

  “Whatever. You comin’ or are you scared? For once, can you live on the edge? Be spontaneous, even a little daring?”

  “It’s probably not wise for both of us to be clunking around in there.”

  Jayna popped up and headed out of the bedroom faster than Sadie could even get to her feet. She did a tiptoe run through the cottage, trying to catch up to Jayna, who was being anything but quiet. Sadie knew she was probably doing it just to aggravate her.

  When she got to the living room, Sadie stopped and waited while Jayna pushed open the door and waltzed in like it was the middle of the day and the room was empty. Luckily, the cottage had been gutted a few years ago, and it was new enough so the doors and floors weren’t squeaky, because Jayna was the furthest from graceful.

  Not seven seconds later, Jayna emerged with the diary in hand and bopped right by Sadie in mockery.

  It only took one glance to know this diary was the diary from the year of the blowout between Lydia and Marissa. It had 2009 stamped across the front. “I can’t believe we’re actually doing this. I’m having serious second thoughts. I mean, Mom made it very clear that no one was to touch her diaries,” said Sadie, rubbing her fingers along the purple cover.

  “That was when she was alive,” argued Jayna. “She never said anything about after she died.”

  “Off limits means off limits, Jayna.”

  “Seriously, Sadie, I went to all this trouble, and besides, there is no other way to find out what Marissa did to our mother. You’re the one that needs to know sooo bad!”

  Sadie took a deep breath and opened the diary to a page that was sticking out. Tucked in loosely was a very battered piece of Lydia’s personal stationery, the one stamped with a big L encircled in pink and green spirals. Sadie read it out loud.

  Dear Marissa,

  I’ve never had to write a letter like this in my life, especially to my best friend, my confidant. To say I’m sorry will never be enough, but I’ll say it anyway. I’m so sorry, Marissa. What I’ve done is incomprehensible, even to me.

  I can’t imagine the pain I’m putting you through and the turmoil I have created. From the bottom of my heart, I want you to know that it was not intentional. I’m not making excuses for my behavior or placing blame somewhere else, but I was not even aware of my actions. In fact, to this day, I still don’t even know how it happened or remember anything more than bits and pieces.

  I know you, Marissa, and I know you must be seething at every word of this letter. I don’t blame you one bit, but I had to write you anyway. I know you aren’t ready to talk to me in person, and to be honest, I don’t think I could even face you. I only hope that one day you can forgive me and find peace in your heart.

  It kills me to think I have destroyed our friendship. I can’t imagine a life without you in it. I understand it would be nothing short of a miracle for you to accept me as a friend again, but I can only pray that someday you will.

  Forever I will cherish the decades of our friendship, everything we have been through together, the good, the bad, and now, because of me, the ugly. One more time, Marissa, I’m sorry.

  With love & deep regret,

  Lydia

  Sadie and Jayna sat in silence. The whirl of the fan seemed to take on a roar in the room. “What the heck?” said Sadie, completely stunned.

  “So it was Mom that did something to Marissa?”

  The way Jayna said “Mom” made Sadie recoil. “We don’t know what happened, Jayna. I doubt Mom was completely at fault.”

  “Sure sounds like it, Sadie.”

  Sadie glared at her sister.

  “What? I’m not saying it in a bad way, Sadie. I’m just saying I thought all along that Marissa was to blame. I never considered Mom could, you know, do something as bad as this letter makes it sound.”

  “It probably wasn’t. Mom could be pretty emotional sometimes. I’m sure she just offended Marissa and felt really bad.”

  “Well, we’ll know soon enough. Let’s start reading the entries right before this letter.”

  Sadie folded the letter to Marissa and stuck it in the back of the diary, wondering if it was a copy or if she chickened out and never gave it to Marissa. She took a deep breath as she stared down at her mother’s slanted script.

  August 15, 2009

  I have single-handedly ruined our Pentwater vacation. I mentioned to Kurt that I told Andrea the real reason Marissa and Marcus aren’t vacationing with us this year. He was upset, as I figured he would be, because we had decided together to keep this mess quiet.

  Kurt looked right at me and said it was bad enough what I did, but now to have other people know, just makes it that much worse and embarrassing. I told him that was not my intention. My intention was to be open and honest. I felt keeping quiet from Andrea was no different from lying to her. And I’m in no position to jeopardize another friendship. Both Andrea and Benton had asked several times about Marissa and Marcus and whether they were still separated. I confessed that Marissa was more than willing to grant him a divorce.

  I know I’m being selfish, but I’m glad Marissa and Andrea never developed a close relationship. They had both remained “friends through a friend,” and only saw each other in Pentwater or when we had get-togethers at our house. I could never replace Marissa; she will always hold the title of best friend in my heart, but I’m hoping Andrea will be there for me. God knows I’m going to need her.

  Sadie flipped the page quickly and began reading aloud again even though Jayna was sitting next to her on the floor following along.

  August 16, 2009

  I puked twice on our morning walk. Andrea rubbed my back and assured me
we could go back if I wanted, but I refused. I never threw up with Sadie and Jayna. It was always lingering in the back of my throat, but it never came out. It’s probably the extra anguish I’m going through!

  I pray this baby is at least healthy. Who knows what kind of toll all the stress I’m under puts on a fetus. At least I’m getting exercise and trying my hardest to eat healthy. All I crave is salt, mostly chips, and that has been extremely inviting while vegging on the beach all week. I’m forcing the fruits and vegetables down my throat when all I really want is to binge on junk!

  August 17, 2009

  I confessed to Andrea that I considered not keeping the baby. I have to get this crap off my chest; otherwise, I’m going to go crazy! Not that it’s guaranteed to save me.

  She said she was relieved I decided not to, and agreed with Kurt that in the long run it would only make matters worse. I’m still not so sure I agree with either of them! I only hope I can love this baby whole-heartedly. I only wish, hope, and pray Kurt will.

  “What the heck?” said Jayna. “Go back further, like into May.”

  Sadie flipped back the pages frantically with a bad feeling that what they were about to uncover was not going to be good!

  May 20, 2009

  Thank God Kurt got the girls off to school! My head feels like it’s going to explode, and the room is still spinning. It’s taking my all to sip coffee and write. I feel like I’m still rocking from the boat. No, that can’t be. We were tied up to the dock. There wasn’t even a wake.

  Anyway, I met Marcus last night, as Marissa asked me to, on their boat in Grand Haven. He welcomed me warmly, despite knowing I was there as Marissa’s best friend and advocate. She had given me an agenda.

  Number one—find out if there is another woman, which he swore there wasn’t, but I’m certain there is.

  Number two—see if there is any hope in trying to save their marriage or if divorce is going to be her reality.

  Number three—get him to remember their happier times, and convince him they could have that again (if only he gave the effort and showed up to their weekly marriage counseling sessions).

  The first thing I noticed as we sat on the back deck of the fifty-foot Sea Ray (with a bottle of wine) was that Marcus seemed happy living aboard the boat—the happiest I have seen him in well over a year or two. I will definitely keep that to myself.

  I know Marissa wants me to tell her that he looks miserable and misses her like crazy. She wants to hear that he is willing to make things work. That is not the case, and it makes me so sad for her. Marcus wants out, just as he has told her a thousand times, but poor Marissa, she can’t accept it.

  The few times Kurt and I were out with Marissa and Marcus this past year were tense and extremely awkward. I admit I even started to hold a grudge against Marcus. How couldn’t I? He is being a total shit to Marissa! But I went because I would do anything for my best friend.

  Marcus says the marriage has been over for at least two years. That they have just been going through the motions, living together more as distant roommates than husband and wife. Their interests are different, they have grown apart physically and emotionally, and the air had gotten so thick around the house that he escaped to the boat just to breathe.

  He explained how she’s hounded him for a boat for years, and he has worked his ass off to give it to her. From the second he surprised her with the boat, she has ridiculed it, and then she was pissed that he spent so much money on it. Marissa’s version is entirely different. She wanted the boat for them to reconnect, they agreed on a price range, and he spent double. I understand both sides.

  I heard it all. He feels like their sex life is a chore on her to-do list. That instead of saying “thank you” when he folds the laundry, she bitches because he folds it sloppily. If he wants to go out, she insists they stay in. She complains that he works too much, so he cuts back his hours, and then she complains that he just sits around and watches sports all the time. Typical problems in any marriage, I thought, but when not dealt with, they become destructive.

  Another constant fight between the two of them is how much Marcus drinks. After he popped the cork off of the third bottle of wine (or whine, should I say?), I don’t think I could even comprehend a word Marcus was saying. In fact, I don’t remember anything after Marcus topped off my glass that last time. Bad, bad idea to drink more than one glass while taking Xanax.

  I zonked out and Marcus had to drive me home! What I do know is that somehow I have to tell Marissa her marriage is over. At this point, I can only be the best friend I can be and let her cry on my shoulder while her husband serves her divorce papers. Jackass!

  So, despite nursing one fierce hangover, I have to meet up with Marissa at the club to play tennis and be the bearer of bad news—this sucks!

  “I don’t get it. Why would Mom go and talk to Marcus about Marissa?” asked Jayna. “Why did she have to go see him on his boat, anyway?”

  “Because that’s how Mom and Marissa were—they were like sisters. They would have done anything for each other. Marissa must have asked her to go and try and talk to him about saving their marriage.”

  “Not all sisters!” retorted Jayna.

  Sadie snorted. “Whatever.”

  May 20, 2009

  It started raining this morning, so Marissa and I canceled our tennis match and met up for a late breakfast. After all the wine from last night, I was in no shape to play, anyway. I needed some serious grease, and let me tell you, that was the best western omelet I’ve ever had! On top of it, I ate four sausage links, dripping in grease, and a bagel thick with peanut butter. If I ever have a hangover again, which I pray I never do, I know the exact cure!

  Anyhow, as soon as we sat down and ordered coffee, Marissa begged me to fill her in on the good news from Marcus. She knew from the look on my face the news was grim, and I only got five words into it before she started crying. My heart broke for her, and soon we were both in tears. Not only was my best friend losing her husband and it killed me to see her so distraught, but Kurt and I were losing the relationship with Marissa and Marcus that we had cherished for over fifteen years. It really did suck! And poor Paige!

  I repeated what Marcus had said over and over to Marissa. Yes, it’s really over and he has already found a divorce lawyer. No, there’s not another woman. And yes, they shared many amazing years, but the last few have been anything but, and he is ready to let it go.

  Those words really stung Marissa. “Let it go,” she kept repeating. “How can he just let the last fifteen years go? Not to mention walk out on your wife and daughter!” After spending three hours rehashing the same things we have been rehashing for months, I left her, feeling helpless. I wish I could fast forward her life two years from now. I would have her sitting pretty under the arm of a sugar daddy, ready to sweep her off her feet.

  I didn’t mention to Marissa that I got super drunk and Marcus had to bring me home. Not that I feel the need to hide it, but I don’t want Marissa to think I’m in agreement with him, like we had this fabulous time laughing and hanging out together. She wants me to hate him, and even though I’m disappointed and angry with him, I don’t hate him, but for my best friend, I will.

  After talking at length to Kurt about this tonight, he suggested we work hard at keeping our sex life top on our want-to-do-list. Easy answer for any guy, I guess—just have sex and everything will work out just fine! Well, it did make for some passionate love making, so I guess I can’t argue. Now if I can only make him understand how sexy he looks cooking dinner for me and doing the dishes!

  Jayna cringed. “Ew, gross! Please skip ahead if Mom starts talking about her and Dad having sex.”

  A thump followed by a creak of the door startled the girls, and Sadie slammed the diary shut. Thank goodness it was only Nicholas stumbling in rubbing his eyes still half asleep.

  “What’s up, champ?” Sadie scooped him up in her arms as Jayna quickly closed the door.

  “I have to go po
tty. Dad always leaves the light on in the bathroom.” Nicholas looked around. “How’d I get in your room?”

  Chapter 31

  Sadie

  After tucking Nicholas back in bed, Sadie and Jayna eagerly flipped through the pages to find where they left off.

  June 14, 2009

  Marcus left me the strangest voicemail today. He was apologizing up and down for the way he acted when I visited him on his boat. Um, I was the one that blacked out! But, he obviously regrets some of the harsh things he said about Marissa and is paranoid I will tell her. I wonder if he has been agonizing over it for the past three weeks! Odd of him to wait so long. I don’t know what he’s worried about, it’s not like I would say anything that would hurt her any more than he already has.

  I’m not calling him back, that’s for sure. It’s not that I hate him for what he is doing to Marissa and Paige, but I need to stay clear of the “he said, she said” mess. I talked to him once for Marissa as she asked, and I consider that enough. I will be there for her during this mess, but somehow I need to respect Marcus and his decision too, even though I have to admit I think he has turned a little selfish and arrogant over the past couple of years.

  Anyhow, I need to get some sleep. Kurt and I are invited to an engagement party tomorrow night for one of Kurt’s business clients. I think this is his third marriage and the woman is twelve years younger than he is. The guy is loaded. He owns dozens of high-end retail buildings in the Chicago area. The party should be quite the show!

  June 16, 2009

  If I don’t puke on this ride home from Chicago, it will be a miracle! The party last night was amazing, I think. Honestly, I can’t remember half of it. I do remember champagne in my hand the second we walked through the doors and everything from martinis to Long Island iced teas after that. We were at least sixty floors up, in an elegant ballroom with a view of both Lake Michigan and the city.