by James, Vicki
Real tears this time.
Tears she’d no doubt been trying to shed but had struggled to because her grief had turned her whole body numb.
She was feeling now, and I knew more than anyone that once you were feeling something—anything—no matter how painful, how raw, and how terrifying… it was better than feeling nothing at all.
With emotion, came hope, and it flooded me as I took her hand through the bars, and I squeezed my eyes shut tight while I let her cry.
A few moments later, I heard the creaking of a floor panel behind me. With a glance over my shoulder, I saw Julia there with her hand pressed to her mouth as she lost herself to her tears, too.
“You okay?” I mouthed to her.
She shook her head in answer.
I smiled with sympathy before I whispered what I actually needed to scream because I felt it so strongly in my heart.
“I love you.”
Her hand slipped down to her chest, and she closed her eyes and mouthed right back with a sigh that seemed to shed some weight from her shoulders. “I love you, Rhett.”
Chapter Forty-Nine
I was standing outside Sarah’s house, leaning against the white brick wall as I brought my cigarette to my mouth and inhaled deeply. The smoke settled in my nose and throat before I blew it out and closed my eyes.
The image of Sarah curled up in a ball was imprinted in my memory. The way I lifted her from the cot, walked her into a bedroom, and laid her out on the first bed I could find.
Julia, for the first time, had been redundant. She’d watched me taking care of Sarah with wide eyes and zero words falling from her mouth. Eventually, I’d urged her to go and talk to her sister while I stepped outside.
I needed a fucking minute.
This quiet town I’d never known before weirdly felt like some kind of home.
No cameras. No bright lights. No screaming fans or snapping paparazzi. Just the sound of the ocean across the way, the gentle hum of birds in the sky, and the odd car or bicycle being ridden past.
All this beauty in front of me, and so much pain in the building behind.
I heard the door click open and close, but I didn’t open my eyes. The picture of Sarah was on the back of my lids, acting as a gentle reminder of how fucking easy I’d had it, yet I’d still found so much cause to moan.
“You were amazing,” Julia finally spoke.
I brought the cigarette to my mouth again, took another drag, and blew it all out, not saying a word.
Rolling my head against the wall, it fell in her direction, and I opened my eyes to take her in.
“You were really, really amazing, Rhett.” Her big brown eyes were so sad, filled with pain I couldn’t erase.
“I thought I was too broken for that kind of shit,” I admitted quietly.
“You’ve never been broken. Just a little lost.” She placed a hand on my arm. “We’re not who we used to be now, are we?”
“I don’t think so.”
Her eyes filled with tears she clearly didn’t want to shed. “You’ve got things you want to say to me, haven’t you? I can see them in the frown you don’t even know you’re wearing.”
Questions. I had lots of questions. The reality of loving someone who held so much back from me was fucking terrifying. I took a selfish second to bring my cigarette back to my mouth and take a final drag before I threw it down and squashed it out. Turning to Jules, I leant against the wall and gave her my full attention.
“I don’t expect to know everything about you,” I began, watching the way her eyes searched mine weakly and wildly at the same time—an impossibility brought to life. “Some things stay in the past…”
“But?”
“But it kinda feels like you’re getting everyone else to tell me who you really are.”
“What do you mean?” She scowled.
“First Bobby Hart. You pushed him on me in LA and got him to tell me the secrets of your childhood. Now with Sarah. No warnings. No discussing what you’ve been dealing with all this time. You’ve never come to me with your history. You’ve got other people to show me your life, and it feels like you’re doing that so if I run away, you don’t have to feel like you’ve given a piece of yourself to me you never wanted to give.”
“Everything I’ve ever had has come with a price, Rhett. My real mum left us on the side of a road, and we couldn’t do anything about it. Bobby and the band took us on, but we had to stay a secret. Sarah has always been my twin, but she’s always been a heavy twin to carry. My story isn’t pretty.”
“It doesn’t need to be pretty. It just needs to come from you.”
“All my life, I’ve had to focus on control. Controlling my emotions in front of a bunch of men. Controlling Sarah’s behaviour. Controlling her mouth so she didn’t ruin a life we’d been gifted with. Controlling you and the guys in the band. Controlling the press out in the world. Controlling the secrets told and the secrets hidden. Controlling my heart. Control is all I’ve ever known…”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and pressed my lips together as she closed the distance between us entirely.
“But there is no control with you. With you, I feel completely reckless. I feel weak, too, and sometimes that breaks me.”
“Breaks you?” I whispered.
“I’ve never wanted someone to know the real me before. It’s easier putting who I really am away and being who people want me to be instead. We’re both the same that way. But with you… God, I want everything, Rhett. I just had no idea how to tell you about all the baggage that came with me.”
I reached up and pressed my big, rough hand against her smooth, delicate cheek. “Everyone comes with shit, baby.”
“That doesn’t mean I knew you’d stick around.”
“Oh, I’m sticking.” I smirked.
She gripped both my arms, and a small tear fell down her cheek. “If everyone saw you this way, they’d all want you.”
“They already do.”
That earned a chuckle from her, and another tear fell as her bright white smile broke free, and she shoved me delicately. I didn’t move. Instead, I leaned closer, my own grin bursting to life.
“We can do this, you know? You just have to let go and trust me.”
“You’re running with scissors, Rhett.”
“I’m not afraid of getting cut, baby.”
A little whimper of satisfaction fell from her, and I pressed my forehead to hers.
“You with me?” I asked in a whisper.
“Forever.”
* * *
We spent the next two days on Mersea Island with Sarah. We even stayed at her place, bringing it to life with noise from the television, noise from my singing and joking around, and noise from all the heart-to-hearts Jules forced her sister into having.
Sarah’s house had been clinical and cold, and even though I didn’t know shit about interior design or decor, I ordered a bunch of coloured stuff to go in her home to bring some zing to it. Even though Sarah’s eyes weren’t quite alive with enthusiasm yet, Jules would pull a few chuckles and rolls of the eyes from her as she danced around the house throwing chunky knit throws over the backs of sofas and tossing cushions at my head.
At Sarah’s request, I’d dismantled the cot and made the nursery seem less… well, like a nursery. It was to become a spare room again, like the others, with nothing more than a memory box for Sarah to deal with every day. Bathing herself in this mourning wasn’t doing her any good according to Jules. Who was I to argue? I did what they asked without question. Happy to be in the background as they dealt with what was in front of them.
Whenever they had fallen into private conversation, I’d slip out the back or front door, light up a cigarette, and watch the night sky. I hadn’t had a drink or thought about setting up a line in a while, and that felt satisfying.
Presley, Coops, Hawk, and Big D had all phoned or messaged to check in—Tessa, too—with each one sounding more and more surprised by the ma
n I was somehow becoming.
No one was more surprised than me.
It turned out that everything I ever needed was the last thing I thought I wanted.
Love.
The world would have something to say about it. They probably already did and had. After our gig in Scotland, and me announcing who I was with, Julia’s phone should be ringing off the hook. Instead, she’d diverted the whole lot to voicemail and email, telling Dicky she wasn’t sorry for taking care of her home life for once.
The two of us were laid in bed in the spare bedroom at Sarah’s place one night. Jules was on her side, curled in against me with her head resting on my chest while I ran my fingers through her soft hair, which always smelled of coconut.
We’d fallen into that comfortable silence I was becoming addicted to. The noise I once craved wasn’t where my peace lay anymore. It was here, in the soft breaths, gentle strokes, and the blanket of heat only her body could provide.
“Rhett?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you ever feel like the only enemy you have in life is your own mind?”
“All the damn time,” I answered honestly, my fingers trailing down to her neck and waiting for the inevitable goosebumps to rise. “Why?”
“I’m just thinking about Sarah and all the things she’s going to have to overcome.”
“She’s going to be fine. This shit just takes time.”
“I don’t know how anyone could ever get over losing a child,” she whispered before she turned her head into my chest and pressed her lips to it. I wasn’t going to respond to that. She was allowed to mourn as much as her sister. The idea of having a daughter or niece held so much love in it, the grief of losing that was bound to come out someday.
Just like my grief for a father I’d never known.
A lump rose in my throat at the realisation that some shit would never actually be dealt with, and we all had to be okay with that. We had to be okay with unanswered questions, unexplained theories, and unsettled doubt. Life didn’t come with guarantees of peace; only promises of the unexpected.
Jules and I were living slap bang in the middle of our unexpected.
“I know now isn’t the right time, but I have something to tell you,” she muttered against my skin. The tone of her voice instantly made my skin prickle. Jules lifted her head, pressed her hand on my chest and looked up at me. The room was lit only by the moonlight, yet she still looked beautiful.
Unsure. Scared. Always beautiful.
“What is it?” I dared myself to ask.
“Promise you won’t shout…”
I raised my brows. “Why would I shout?”
“Because what I’m about to tell you means everything’s going to change again. After everything you’ve put up with these last few days, I need to be honest with you. You deserve that. No more secrets. No more lies.”
“You’re scaring me, Jules.” I reached up to run my hand through her hair again. “What’s going on?”
“Well, I—” She looked down and blew out a breath. “This is harder than I thought.”
“What is?”
She looked up at me with a scowl in place. “I don’t want to change the way you see me.”
“That’ll never happen.”
“You don’t know…”
“Baby, c’mon.”
“I think I have to leave the band, Rhett.”
“You mean, take time off? Like a holiday? Because I’m not going to argue with that. I think it would do you good to—”
Her finger rose to press against my lips abruptly, cutting me off, and Jules shook her head. “No. I need to leave the band… for good this time. I can’t be your publicist anymore.”
I dropped my elbows to the mattress and pushed up instantly. Julia fell back, the bedsheet pooling around her waist, leaving her sitting there naked on top as she sank back on the heels of her feet. I scanned all of her, dragging my eyes over the skin I’d touched a thousand times and was all ready to touch again. That want for her only grew stronger every day, but so did the feeling of dread when she spoke in riddles this way.
“What the hell are you talking about?” I frowned hard.
“I can’t be your publicist anymore.”
“Yeah, I fucking got that. Now, I’m asking you to expand on what the hell that means. Why can’t you? Are you running away from me again?”
“No. It’s not like that—”
“Then what the fuck is it like?”
“I can’t do it anymore, Rhett, because—”
“Because what?”
Her eyes rose to mine as she parted her lips to speak. “Because I think I’m having your baby.”
Chapter Fifty
I stared at her… mute.
The silence stretched on with neither one of us speaking.
Julia waited.
I waited, too.
I waited for her to tell me it was a joke. That she was kidding. That… shit, I didn’t know what! The two of us were still two broken puzzles coming together to try and figure out how we fit, and here she was telling me there was another fucking piece trying to wedge its way in.
My eyes instantly fell to her stomach.
A toned, flat, biteable, blessed stomach I’d touched and caressed over and over again in my time with her.
My lips were parted when I eventually looked up with wide eyes.
“Rhett, you’ve gone pale.” She shuffled forward just a little and reached out to press her fingertips to my chest.
“Pregnant,” I mouthed.
“Are you okay?”
“Are you… pregnant?” I asked her carefully, ignoring her.
She swallowed delicately, a wave of fear washing over her face before she raised her chin and flared her nostrils. “I think so.”
“Think? What does think mean?”
“It means I’ve taken two tests, and they’ve both come back positive, but I haven’t contacted a doctor about it yet.”
“Two tests,” I mouthed silently, my skin bursting to life with goosebumps.
Julia nodded, never taking her eyes from mine.
I looked down at her stomach again, trying to imagine a life growing in there. A life that belonged to me. A life I’d helped create.
“And it’s… mine?”
“Of course, it is.” She scowled. “There’s no one else.”
“Sorry.” I scrunched my eyes together. “I didn’t mean… that’s not what I thought. I just…”
“Rhett,” she whispered, her voice pleading.
All the blood in my body felt like it had rushed to my toes. I was cold yet tingling. My head was buzzing, and white noise was threatening to erupt in my ears. That battered old heart of mine was hammering like it was about to perform a drum solo, and I didn’t know shit about playing the drums.
When my gaze rose to hers, all her doubts stared back at me.
“Pregnant,” I whispered, thinking about the cot I’d just dismantled, the nursery we’d just overturned, and all the things Jules and Sarah had spoken about over the last few days. The guilt and heartache that Jules must be feeling washed over me.
“Shit, baby,” I breathed out, immediately reaching up to grab her in my arms and pull her to me. She climbed onboard, straddling my waist, and she sank her face into my neck, letting me curl my arms around her and hold her tight.
Wet tears fell against my skin again. More tears. Too many fucking tears.
“I didn’t plan it,” she began to sob quietly. “Something must have happened. A condom split or…”
“Shut up, Jules. I know that isn’t you. You don’t trap people.”
“I wouldn’t.” Her whole body pressed against me, and all I could think about was that stomach. That place a baby was apparently growing.
She took a minute to let me hold her before she pulled back, pushed her hair away from her face, and wiped her swollen, stained cheeks. Her eyes met mine from above, and I looked up at her with so much fucking love, I couldn’t
handle it.
I couldn’t handle her.
“What are you thinking?” she murmured.
“Just how fucking lucky I am.”
Her breath caught in the back of her throat. “You’re not upset.”
“Only at seeing you like this.”
“But, the band. The album. The tour beyond that. The—”
“None of it matters.”
And there they were. The four words I never thought would fall from my mouth.
None. Of. It. Matters.
I meant every one of them, too.
The band. The music. I could do anything with that. I could walk away, take it with me, dilute the success and turn it into something else. I could move it in a direction I never imagined and still be happy.
But her?
The kid?
I would only ever walk side by side with them. Or behind, when and if they needed me to, putting them up on stage under the bright lights, front and centre.
“What did you just say?” she whispered, her whole face falling with disbelief and her hands resting on my tattooed shoulders.
“I said none of it matters.” I grinned up at her.
“This is your life. Your dream. You can’t just give it up.”
“I don’t plan on that, but I would if I needed to. I’d do it for you, and if those tests are right, I’d do it for the baby.”
“You’re… happy?” She frowned.
A weird, nervous laugh I’d never heard myself laugh before escaped me. “I guess so.” Dragging my nails down her back earned a shudder from her. “Are you?”
She took a minute as if the reality of everything was only just catching up with her.
“Because none of this matters if you aren’t happy, Jules. You have to go through this. Carry the baby. Carry more responsibility. Lose more control. Give up your—”
Her lips crashed to mine with such force, I fell backwards, pulling her down on top of me as my head hit the pillow. Her thighs squeezed me in. Her hands held my face with a crazy amount of pressure. Her tongue owned every party of my concentration as it massaged with my own, and her lips drove me crazy. I became hard instantly, the need to drive into her bursting within me as she rode this wave of emotion she was on.