He stops.
There is a long silence.
Then Bert speaks with a hand over his eyes.
You’re in some sort of trouble, can I help you?
After a time the Four realise he is talking to them.
WALDORF
We want to get out —
BERT
You can’t —
SMUDGER
Why not —
BERT
My men are outside —
Harry has been watching the Hostess.
Bert speaks with increasing confidence.
You should have been at the control tower this morning. They thought it was a game, but it was not.
GEORDIE
What happened?
BERT
They were shot.
The Barman, behind the bar, takes a dust sheet and throws it over the machine, the lights of which have gone out.
GEORDIE
I’m going —
WALDORF
You can’t —
NORBERT
Why not —
SMUDGER
You should have been at the control tower this morning —
The Hostess goes out through the gothic door, left.
Harry takes the table, left, and turns it on its side. Then he takes the three chairs and puts them this way and that on the table, as if he were constructing a shelter.
BERT
Up to now men have been able to die —
HARRY
Now they cannot.
Harry stands back and looks at his shelter.
Bert takes his hand from his eyes.
BERT
Johnny —
HARRY
Yes?
BERT
Don’t jump —
Harry goes to the table, right, and takes it to build up his shelter.
Your old grandmother, in Australia, has a message for you —
Harry puts the table on top of his shelter.
— You might hit a little doggie in the road.
HARRY
Oh really!
He stands back and surveys his tower, or shelter.
BERT
I could have given you an address —
HARRY
— What would have been the colour of her eyes, her hair —
BERT
Let it have three?
Harry goes and collects the chairs from where the table was, right, and makes his shelter more solid.
BERT
Spit then —
HARRY
Spit?
Harry goes to the front of the stage and looks at the curtain which is stretched along by the footlights.
BERT
A bird, a camel —
Harry takes hold of the curtain and drags it to his shelter. He tries, with difficulty, to throw it over the structure to form a roof like that of a nomad’s tent. It floats. At the third attempt he succeeds in getting it over the shelter. He walks round, tucking it in at the base.
Bert, by the footlights, puts his hand to his eyes. He rubs them. Then he takes his hands from his eyes: blinks. It is as if he can see.
Harry stops by him.
HARRY
A miracle?
BERT
A coincidence —
HARRY
One or two.
BERT
Get through.
Smudger speaks from the back loudly —
SMUDGER
What is he, schizo?
BERT
Yes, he thinks that everything in the world exists for him and he can save it.
WALDORF
Isn’t that a contradiction?
BERT
No, I’ve often found selfishness goes with altruism.
Bert is watching the audience.
Harry has finished arranging his shelter. It is like a nomad’s tent. He walks round it.
HARRY
I sometimes think nothing has ever happened. No one has been raped, or driven into a ravine. Two football teams have run on to the field of play and have run straight off again. An alderman has waited on the steps of a guildhall for lunch —
The Char calls from the bar —
CHAR
And the long jump. How do you do the long jump?
HARRY
You have a run. A take-off board. Then you wiggle your feet in the air —
CHAR
And the discus. How do you do the discus?
Geordie suddenly goes to the gothic door, left, and goes out.
They wait.
The Barman has been putting away bottles and glasses behind the bar.
Harry murmurs —
HARRY
— Furry friends will visit me. Dancing girls in red and brown —
Then Geordie comes in again at the gothic door, left. When he sees the scene it is as if he had not expected it. He looks back the way he has come. Then he comes into the room leaving the door open behind him: he touches the food-hatch, the bar, as if they might not be real.
Through the gothic door which Geordie has left open there can be glimpsed the figures of the two Hostesses, off-stage. The younger Hostess seems to have her hand on a light switch. Then the older Hostess ducks out of sight.
NORBERT
What’s the treatment?
BERT
See if you can spot it —
The neon lights go off.
There is a dim light from beyond the plate-glass window.
After a time, the older Hostess comes in through the gothic door. She stands in the centre of the stage, with one hand across her chest, as if posing. Then a spotlight comes on her from the flies.
HARRY
Hullo —
HOSTESS
Hullo —
HARRY
I was afraid you might not remember me —
HOSTESS
Oh yes. I believed everything you said, you see —
HARRY
What did I see?
HOSTESS
I loved you, would never leave you —
HARRY
I said that?
The light from behind the window becomes brighter.
The older Hostess begins to undress.
Harry says as if amused —
HARRY
— The front knee slightly bent. The arms in the position of a man in —
HOSTESS
— Power —
HARRY
— Pain —
HOSTESS
— Power! —
She stops undressing.
Harry is looking up at the flies.
After a time the Hostess turns to the bar at the back
HOSTESS
This is impossible!
The spotlight goes off.
At the bar, the Barman and the Char, together with Norbert, seem surreptitiously to have been having a drink. They seem to try to hide their glasses. Then they gather round Geordie, who seems to be ill.
HOSTESS
He wants to keep all his balls up in the air at the same time —
WALDORF
— Bitte, wo ist die Toilette —
SMUDGER
— Chocolates, cigarettes — !
NORBERT
— Son équipe de football a gagné une grande victoire —
The Hostess turns to Bert —
HOSTESS
The curtain —
BERT
Customs —
HOSTESS
Curtain!
From the bar, there is a sound of giggling.
The plate-glass window has become brighter.
Harry looks towards the plate-glass. He calls —
HARRY
Sophie — !
The younger Hostess answers from the wings,
right —
SOPHIE
Yes?
Harry looks at the audience.
HARRY
War has been declared!
The light from behind the plate
-glass becomes brighter.
Harry goes and stands with his back to the plate-glass window. He turns and faces the older Hostess, to the left. He puts a hand to his eyes, as if to shield them from light, but the light is behind him.
The Hostess turns to Harry. She is in her underclothes. She strikes a seductive pose, her hands behind her, leaning back against the tables and chairs.
HOSTESS
Do you want me blindfold?
Harry takes his hand from his eyes and puts it in his pocket. It is as if he might hold a pistol there. He is smiling. Then the Hostess leans forward with her arms behind her like a bird.
Shall I say my prayers?
Bert leaves his chair and goes to the wings, front left, and picks up a rifle there and seems to load it. Harry murmurs —
HARRY
We’ve only got ten minutes!
He seems about to take his hand out of his pocket Then the light from the plate-glass window becomes blinding. Harry leans forward peering at the Hostess.
HARRY
You’re my wife?
Bert sits on the ground with his rifle, with his back against the proscenium arch, left.
The Hostess, with her back to Bert, and facing Harry, stretches her hands out towards him.
HARRY
You’re my child?
A second CURTAIN, the colour of gold, comes down.
ACT II
Bert is still sitting with his back against the proscenium arch, left. He holds the rifle on his knees. He appears to doze.
The CURTAIN rises.
SCENE: the same. The stage is still lit, but not so brightly, from light beyond the plate-glass window. Waldorf, Smudger and Norbert are by the window looking out. They cast long shadows to the opposite wall. Geordie is sitting against the wall by the machine, right.
The Barman and the Char are at the bar, as if poring over papers.
The table and chairs, covered by the original CURTAIN, are in the structure of a nomad’s tent, left of centre.
WALDORF
It’s the sun.
SMUDGER
It looks like the sun.
NORBERT
What does the sun look like?
WALDORF
Round. A sort of yellow.
Norbert turns and makes patterns with his hands with the shadows that he casts from the window to the opposite wall.
SMUDGER
Perhaps it’s the Aurora Borealis —
WALDORF
What is the Aurora Borealis?
SMUDGER
High speed particles, like, come down through the atmosphere, like —
He looks up at the flies.
Norbert has been making shadows move to and fro across Bert’s face. Bert, with his back against the proscenium arch, left, appears to be asleep. Waldorf watches: then he makes a gesture for Smudger to get down. They get on to hands and knees. They begin to crawl past the plate-glass window towards the front of the stage — as if keeping out of sight, or out of the light. When they reach the front, right, they turn and look back.
Norbert has knelt down by Geordie, who appears to be ill.
At the bar, the Barman and the Char are poring over their papers.
CHAR
You change —
BARMAN
If you like —
CHAR
There are connections —
BARMAN
In the fields. The factories —
CHAR
What specifications?
BARMAN
The lesser for the greater. Blood and bone.
Norbert, helping Geordie, has begun to crawl past the plate-glass window to join Waldorf and Smudger at the front of the stage.
CHAR
Efficiency. Economy —
BARMAN
Call them by different names —
CHAR
What —
BARMAN
Spot. Beauty.
The Barman mimes tidying papers.
Norbert and Geordie have managed to join Waldorf and Smudger by the footlights.
The Four sit with their backs to the audience. The Char has been watching where they have cast shadows to the left. She calls —
CHAR
I saw you!
Norbert is forcing Geordie’s head down on his knees. Waldorf and Smudger are holding his arms and legs. It is uncertain if they are helping or hurting him.
The Char has her back to them.
Where did you find them?
BARMAN
Just down from the trees.
CHAR
— On a dark night —
BARMAN
— Can you tell the difference?
The Barman comes from behind the bar and stands by the Char and puts an arm round her shoulders. They face where the shadows have been, left.
CHAR
Come along then. Coop. Coop —
BARMAN
Wire floor. Netting. All amenities.
They seem to be waiting for more shadows on the wall.
CHAR
What do you feed them?
BARMAN
Waste from the factories. Jokes. Shit.
Waldorf, Smudger and Norbert let go of Geordie. They recline, by the footlights, right, their backs to the audience.
They watch the Barman and the Char.
The Barman and the Char face the audience.
CHAR
And where does it come in —
BARMAN
What —
CHAR
Gas. Electricity —
BARMAN
Little pipes. Like music.
The Char looks up at the flies.
CHAR
And it goes on all the time —
BARMAN
You don’t taste it, touch it, smell it —
CHAR
And if the head breaks off?
BARMAN
It stays inside.
The Barman and the Char turn to the plate-glass window.
It is as if they have been uncertain, but have now decided, that this may be the front of the stage.
CHAR
What do they see?
BARMAN
Coloured lights, shapes, music —
CHAR
— The plains where they were born —
BARMAN
—The rings round Salamanca —
The Char looks at the Four by the footlights.
CHAR
I thought it would be more —
BARMAN
What —
CHAR
You know. Two by two. In a sack.
BARMAN
That didn’t pay.
The Char turns and looks at the shelter, left.
CHAR
— Rubs them together —
BARMAN
— Keeps them white.
Then the Char faces the audience.
The Barman stands watching the plate-glass. At the front of the stage, right, Norbert has turned and has stretched a hand out over the footlights. There seems to be no light on it. Norbert examines his hand. Then he looks up at the flies.
The Barman, watching the plate-glass, seems to be prompting someone —
BARMAN
— Got a job for you — Just down from university —
Bert, by the proscenium arch, left, seems to wake up with a jerk.
He raises his rifle and fires three shots up at the flies.
There is a distant cry, as if from a woman: then, briefly, the sound of 1920s’ dance music.
Then the music stops.
Bert looks at the Four by the footlights, right.
Norbert is watching him.
Geordie still has his head down by his knees.
Waldorf and Smudger are miming smoking. The light from beyond the window grows less bright.
Lights come on from above the stage.
Bert seems to go back to sleep.
After a time a flap is raised in the covering of the shelte
r, left, from the inside, and Harry puts his head out. He looks at the audience. Then he crawls out. He wears his old overcoat. He does not seem to have much on underneath. He crawls to the front of the stage and looks at the audience.
HARRY
You know how, you’re halfway up the mountain — and the ivy’s running out — and the balcony’s a lifetime above — and there’s a bloody great dragon below — and they begin to jump about like fishes —
He closes his eyes.
Well she wasn’t like that, no.
He looks at the audience.
If she were the sun and moon, and I were gravity —
He crawls round and mimes collecting firewood. When he seems to have collected a bundle he sits cross-legged at the front of the stage facing the audience and mimes making a fire. He mimes lighting it and blowing on it. After a time there appears at the doorway of the shelter the head of Sophie, the younger Hostess. She watches Harry. She crawls to the front of the stage. She is in her underclothes. She speaks facing the audience.
SOPHIE
You know how, you’ve got a man and a ball on the ends of a chain, and you whirl round and round; and then you let go —
She closes her eyes.
Well he wasn’t like that, no —
Harry has been miming taking a frying pan and holding it over the fire. He mimes dropping some bacon into it.
Catastrophe Practice Page 12