Pulling into a parking spot as close to her door as he could find, he steeled himself with a deep breath before getting out. He took the stairs two at a time, in a hurry to get to her, to hold her, and to have one of the hardest conversations of his life. This was going to be worse than when he’d begged her for another chance. He normally avoided hard conversations, emailing or texting if he had to do something, nonstop avoidance if he could get away with it. Somehow with Hannah he found himself having more of them than ever before, like all the difficult conversations he’d dodged over his lifetime had piled up and were coming back around in the space of a couple of months.
She answered the door as soon as he knocked, not keeping him waiting. Her hair was disheveled, not the sleek, groomed look he normally saw her with. Well, unless she’d spent an hour or so in his bed. But this was clearly not from that. Her eyes were wary in her makeup free face, dark circles looking like bruises underneath. She wore a rumpled, baggy t-shirt over a pair of gray leggings.
Without a word she opened the door wide and gestured him in, closing and locking it behind him. When she turned around, he reached out and pulled her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her hair, kissing the top of her head. He didn’t know how this conversation would turn out, and he needed to hold her for a moment to give him courage. She was stiff at first, but relaxed into him, seeming to take as much comfort from the touch as he did. He wished he knew what was going through her head. It was clear she’d had a rough night after what had happened, and he wished she’d have stayed with him. If nothing else, they could’ve given each other comfort. But she’d asked for space, and he wanted to respect her wishes. Pushing too hard was a sure way to make her withdraw. He sucked in a breath, hoping that she wouldn’t do that after what he had to tell her, or that, if she did, she’d come around fairly quickly.
She pushed back, moving away from him. He thought it looked like she wiped her cheeks with her hands, but she did it when her back was turned, so he couldn’t be sure. She settled in the corner of the couch, her knees drawn up, her eyes wide in her pale face, her normally pink lips only a few shades darker than her skin. “So? What happened? What did Janine say?”
He sat on the coffee table in front of her, wanting to be close, but, with the way she’d curled into herself, he wasn’t sure if she’d let him hold her if he sat next to her on the couch. “She ripped me a new one this morning, especially since she’d warned me to stay away from you more than once already.”
“What? When?”
He lifted a shoulder. “That day when we were supposed to meet at the restaurant and a ton of people from work showed up. Then again after you brought me coffee. She told me to think with my big head not my little head.” A ghost of a smile crossed her lips and was gone as soon as it registered. “Yeah. Janine doesn’t hold back. Anyway, after telling me what a stupid ass I am, she gave me an official reprimand, put me on probation, and took over managing the interns for the rest of the semester.”
“Oh, Matt, I’m so sorry. What exactly does that mean for you?”
“It means I’ll be doing boring grunt work for a while. And Janine will be up my ass about everything, making sure I do it all exactly right. She likes me, which is fortunate, or she’d probably have fired me already. Maybe after the coffee incident. She says that if I don’t screw up or do anything like this again, she’ll remove the official reprimand in a year.”
“You’re on probation for a year?”
He shook his head. “No, not really. Just through May. But she’ll be watching me closely even after that, after I get my usual job duties back, making sure I’m still doing everything by the book.”
“Okay. Why do I feel like there’s more, though? Did she say anything about me?”
“Well—“ He took a deep breath. This was going to be the hard part. “The good news is that since I’m no longer managing the interns, we can still date. You’re not in trouble at all. According to Janine this is all on me. I’m the full-time employee, and I work in HR so I know all the details of why we shouldn’t have gotten together while you were interning at Eco Utilities. You’re fine. But—“ He paused, struggling with how to tell her the next part.
“But ...? So far that all sounds good. Unless I’m missing something?”
He shook his head. “No, that part is good. But, Janine did tell me they’re planning on offering you a summer internship. And I’ll be off probation and back to my usual role by then, which means I’ll be managing the interns this summer. That’s why they hired me. There’s not another place for me long-term at the company if I can’t do my job.”
“So ... what? You’re asking me not to take the summer internship?”
He reached out and took her hand in both of his, pressing against her cold, limp fingers. “I know it’s a lot to ask.” He swallowed and licked his lips, his guts churning and his mouth dry. “And it’s not fair to ask you to choose between me and something that could help your career. But there’s still time for you to apply to another internship, and I know Sandra would give you a glowing recommendation. She’s the main reason they’re going to offer the summer internship there. But if you take it, we’ll have to break up.”
“What?” She jerked her hand out of his grasp, red patches coming to her cheeks, her eyes blazing now. It was nice to see some emotion in her face, but this was not what he’d been hoping for. “This is the best internship out there!” She pointed her finger at his face. “And you of all people should know that. You interned there. So much that they offered you a full time job upon graduation. And you weren’t even an intern there last semester. They waited for you, created a position for you. And you don’t even care that much about them or what they do.” She stood, gesturing wildly with her arms. “I do care. I love what the company stands for and what I’m doing there. This kind of thing is what I’ve wanted to do. The only thing better would be working for a nonprofit dedicated to saving the environment. Since everyone knows those kinds of places pay crap, my plan has always been to get a good job and then volunteer for the Sierra Club or something. But at Eco Utilities I get the best of both worlds! I can do work I enjoy and benefit causes that are important to me. And you want me to just give that up? And get an internship somewhere else, work somewhere else, somewhere that pollutes and destroys and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about clean energy or not ripping out all the good and beautiful things in the world? What the hell, Matt?”
He sat there with his mouth hanging open. He knew she liked her internship, but he’d had no idea how important it was to her. Before he could formulate a response, she went on.
“What about you?”
“What? What about me?”
“You could quit. Find another job. You said Janine likes you. Surely she’d be willing to give you a good reference if you’re leaving willingly and not getting fired.”
His mouth hung open again, this time in astonishment. Yeah, technically him quitting would solve the problem, too, but what would he do then? “It’s not that easy to just find another job, Hannah.” He managed to keep his voice low and even, despite the fact that she was almost yelling, and part of him wanted to yell back.
“Well, you’ve got some time, right? I mean, there’s not a conflict until the summer internship starts, which isn’t until the end of May. That gives you a couple of months.”
“Hannah, I have friends who started applying before graduation in December, guys with good grades and good resumes, who still haven’t found anything. They’re working as waiters or doing construction in the summer and saving as much as they can for the fall and winter when nothing’s going. I can’t just quit my job. That would be stupid.”
She paused, looking around the room before settling her gaze on him again and crossing her arms. “So I should alter the course of my career for you at your say so, but you won’t even consider doing the same for me?” She huffed out a laugh and shook her head, turning her face away again.
He ran his hands through his hair, frustrated that she would think it was just so easy for him to just quit and find a new job. She was still in school, she didn’t understand the job market, or how necessary the stability of a job was for him. Yeah, she was right that he didn’t really care that much about the job itself, but it was a good company with good benefits, and it meant he could save up enough money to get a couple weeks a year where he could go to the coast. And he could pick whenever the surf was best. Hell, he could even go back to Westport in September for the annual surfing competition like he used to do in high school. He hadn’t been in years because he always had games that weekend. No way could he compete even at the amateur level this year. He was way too out of practice—the baby waves in the summer that he had access to when he went to visit his parents were nowhere near enough to keep his skill level at even amateur competition level. But maybe next year. Just for fun.
He shook his head. “Will you at least think about it?”
Her green eyes were hard when she skewered him with her gaze again. “Will you?”
“Hannah, be reasonable.”
“Don’t patronize me, Matt. I am being reasonable. You’re the one who’s not. You have dreams you’re too scared to go after, content with your safe little job because it gives you a paycheck, and now’s the time to go after what you want. I’m going after what I want, because I have the guts to do it. But if you won’t even consider—“ She held up a hand to hold him off when he opened his mouth to interrupt. “I’m not saying you should definitely do it or not, but the fact that you aren’t even open to discussing it, and you expect me to just turn down something that I want—that I’ve worked hard for, that I’ve earned—without batting an eye can only mean that you’re not as invested in this relationship as I thought. I was right all along.”
He stood, unable to sit through what she seemed to be trying to say. “What? Right about what all along?”
She looked down, rubbing her hands up and down her arms like she was cold.
“Hannah. What do you think you were right about all along?” Matt’s voice came out harsher than he’d intended, but he needed her to say it, spell it out for him, because he needed to know if he was wrong, or if the dread solidifying in his gut was right. “Spit it out.”
Her face was twisted in anger and pain, her eyes a blaze of green fire, stark in her pale, anguished face. “You’ve never felt as strongly about me as I’ve felt about you.” She spit the words, each one piercing him like a shard of glass, embedded so deep inside him that he didn’t know if they’d ever come out. “Never. Not that summer three years ago and not now.”
His breath left him in a whoosh, like he’d just been punched in the gut and had the wind knocked out of him. “How can you say that?” His voice was barely a whisper, since he still couldn’t breathe. The pain from her face and her words crushing his lungs. He sucked in a breath, trying to force air into his chest. “How can you say that?” It was louder this time. “I fucking love you, Hannah. Jesus, how can you not see that?”
One corner of her mouth twisted in an ugly travesty of a smile, and her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. “No you don’t, Matt. Maybe you think you do, but you wouldn’t ask this of me if you loved me. You would talk with me like an adult, like an equal, not come in here with ultimatums, telling me to choose my dreams or you. You, who for all I know will just stop talking to me again if you decide we shouldn’t be together anymore.”
“That’s not fair, Hannah. I apologized for that, and you said that you forgave me.”
“You did apologize, and I did forgive you, but people don’t change, Matt. Not that much. Just because you’re sorry about before doesn’t mean you won’t do it again.”
He ran his hands through his hair, pulling until it hurt, trying to stop himself from punching a hole in the wall. “Fuck! What do you want from me, Hannah? You want me to quit? Have no money? Get a job as a waiter somewhere? Flip burgers at McDonalds? Is that really what you want? Your internship is more important to you than me? Than my ability to support myself, to support you?”
“You don’t support me, Matt. We’re dating. We’re not married. We’re not even engaged! If we were, I’d expect you to come and talk to me, not just try to order me around or manipulate me into doing what you want. And I definitely would hope you wouldn’t just disregard my goals and my dreams for the sake of a paycheck. As though you couldn’t find someone to give you a paycheck anywhere.”
“You don’t—“
“Yeah, I do. I get it. I know it’s not that easy to find a job. But here’s the thing, Matt. It’s even harder to find a job you care about, a job that you love, doing something you really want to do. And that’s what Eco Utilities is for me. It’s more than just a paycheck. Grow a pair, and maybe give your dreams a shot. Come up with a way to surf for a living that’s not on the pro competition circuit. There’s more to the sport than just that. You have a degree in management and marketing. Start a surf shop somewhere! You work in HR, you know how corporate crap works. Start a company where you take executives on surfing trips for bonding or whatever corporate speak calls that kind of shit where they pay a crap-ton of money to go on vacation and supposedly do planning so the company can pay for it. Yeah, you’d be teaching a bunch of old, fat dudes to surf, but you’d get to travel, stay in awesome resorts, and get to surf all the time.”
That made him pause for a minute, dropping his hands at his sides, all the fight gone, liking the picture she painted. Could he do something like that? Work for himself? And be able to surf? She made it sound so simple.
But then he shook his head. That was stupid. Dreams didn’t come true. “It’s not that easy, Hannah. Where would I get the money to start something like that? Marketing, travel, not to mention equipment. That’s a nice idea, but it’s not realistic.”
“It could be. You could figure it out. But that’s not the real problem. The real problem is that you don’t want to. Or you’re too scared to.” She shrugged a shoulder. “It’s easier to just give up, to just coast along and never have to confront anyone or anything.”
He couldn’t say anything to that, because she was right. He could confront the opposing team on the football field, but only because someone else called the plays and told him what to do, who to cover. His responsibilities were defined there. In real life? Confrontation ended with people yelling, people hurting. It was easier to just let things go and avoid the confrontation.
“What are we doing here, Matt? What’s the point? I won’t be responsible for you losing your job at the beginning of the summer, but I’m not going to turn down a summer internship at Eco Utilities if they offer it to me, either.”
He raised his eyes to hers again, her face no longer angry or twisted, just sad. Bile rose in his throat, and he fought to swallow it down. “What are you saying?”
She shook her head. “We’re at an impasse. You won’t quit, and I’m not going to destroy my career for a guy who won’t make any compromises for me. Who expects me to do all the bending. That means we have to break up by the end of May.” She lifted one shoulder and let it drop. “What’s the point, though? Why wait? This clearly won’t work out between us, and we’ll have a couple of months to move on and get over this before you’ll be one of my managers again. It’ll be cleaner this way. No wondering what happened or why. We both know what’s happening and why.”
He thought he was going to throw up. “That’s it? You’re just going to break up with me? And you think that you care more about me than I care about you? At least I was trying to come up with a way for us to work out, stay together. You’re ready to throw everything away at the first problem.” He laughed, but it sounded mean, even to his own ears. “I tell you I love you, and you throw it back in my face. No, Hannah. You’re wrong. If anyone cares more, it’s me. I’ve been in love with you for weeks.”
“Oh, Matt.” She shook her head, tears tracking down her cheeks now. “I’ve loved you since I gave myself to
you that first time. But I can’t be with someone who expects me to do everything and gives nothing in return.”
He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. There was nothing left to say. He watched as she moved to the front door, her head down, her hair hiding her face from him. The deadbolt slid back with a loud snick, and she looked at him again, tears still streaming down her cheeks. “I need you to leave now, before you break me more than you’ve already done.”
His eyes burned as he stepped toward her, and the corners of his mouth pulled down no matter how hard he tried to fight it. He cupped her cheek with one hand, his thumb wiping away some of the tears, but they kept coming regardless. Lifting her face, he pressed his trembling lips to hers one last time. Pulling back, he blinked hard, forcing away the moisture that blurred his sight of her. “You’ve destroyed me, too.”
She closed her eyes and turned the door handle, pulling it open. He left, and the tears finally spilled out, the dam holding them back finally breaking. He managed to control himself by the time he got to his truck, stopping at a liquor store on the way home, needing more than the three beers left in the fridge. He came home with a bottle of cheap tequila and drank until he could barely stand, stumbled into his bedroom and passed out face down on top of the blankets.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
“Hannah?” Elena’s voice reached her in the bathroom, where she sat on the floor scrubbing at the baseboards.
“In here!” She didn’t stop, even when Elena’s shoes came into her peripheral vision in the doorway.
“What are you doing? You do realize our lease isn’t up for months, right? We don’t need to do a move-out cleaning any time soon.”
Hannah sat back and blew a strand of hair out of her face, finally looking up at her roommate. “It’ll make it easier then if we keep up with it now.”
Managed Hearts (Players of Marycliff University, #3) Page 18