~*~
Kade was lit from the inside like he’d swallowed a halogen lamp. Leaning forward with his hands clasped, he bounced his forearms repeatedly on his thighs. Electric energy had wafted off him in waves. During the few seconds the black bull bucked, he’d almost levitated into the arena to help the kid ride.
Pansy made an effort to relax the tension in her jaw. What had she expected? This was Kade’s whole life. If he couldn’t ride bulls, he couldn’t breathe.
At her words, his excitement faded. “You really don’t want to watch this? We can leave.”
Great! Now he was being nice. “No, I’d like to stay. Your friend is up in the barrels soon.” The friend who was so thin she’d almost blow away.
All through high school and college, Pansy had dieted trying to get that kind of figure. She’d come close, but it took an iron will and a manic passion for vegetables.
Pansy’d stopped dieting when she lost the baby. She had no one to please but herself, and she didn’t care about a few pounds anymore. She liked the way she looked. Besides, it would be hard to fill out the Marilyn costume if she was flat chested.
All her mental work didn’t prevent a flash of envy from racing through her heart before she stuffed that crap back where it had come from. So what if Connie was a size two. So what if Kade had said she trained and competed on great barrel horses. So what if she’d been Kade’s number-one BFF for all these years.
Okay, that was one So what too many.
“I can’t wait to see Connie run. Does she have a really nice horse?” A little white lie never hurt anyone, right? Pansy turned her attention to the arena, hoping Kade bought the story.
Kade touched her shoulder.
She turned back and gave him her best smile.
With a gaze filled with questions, he shrugged. “He’s just a six year old. They cleaned up at the futurities last year, and she’s been winning pretty steady. His name is Frenchman’s Renown.”
She shrugged.
Kade kept his attention on the arena while the grounds crew set up the barrels. “He’s a grandson of Frenchman’s Guy, the all-time leading barrel horse sire, and has been making a name for himself in the barrel racing circles.”
Seems like everyone associated with rodeo assumed everyone else kept track of horses. She shook her head. “I remember Frenchman’s Guy, kind of.”
He explained the famous horses she might know that were from this lineage.
Pansy took the opportunity to revel in his familiar looks. He was the most handsome man she’d ever known, both then and now. Just the sight of him had warmed her girl parts and still did.
Kade’s skin was the same dark tan from all the hours he spent in the sun. High cheekbones and an aquiline nose gave him a classic profile, more suited to a suit than Wranglers and boots. But he was all cowboy, always had been.
“We’re ready to begin our first section of barrel racers, and first out is Connie Martin on her great young horse Frenchman’s Renown.”
As Connie’s horse burst through the gate the crowd jumped to their feet. Pansy joined them.
The sleek palomino gelding ran full speed, driving around the barrel so close Pansy sucked in a breath. He didn’t lose any speed for the rest of the run.
Having qualified for the college rodeo national finals three times, Pansy remembered the rush of racing at the barrels on a great horse. She’d been pretty good, had loved it at the time, but Connie was so much more than that.
Connie was an extension of her horse. As the pair ran out of the arena, the crowd roared.
Pansy missed the camaraderie, the competition and the completeness rodeo had given her. But she’d never go back. It was an expensive sport to be sure, but the emotional cost was what she couldn’t afford.
The rest of the event went by as a blur for Pansy. Barrel racers and bull riders all did their best, but she spent most of the time watching Kade. It was obvious this was where he longed to be, and the one thing Pansy knew for sure, she wasn’t waiting another seven years for him to be ready to settle down. She sighed with relief when the last bull rider rode the last bull.
As they walked away from the arena, they heard someone call to Kade.
“Where are you two going?” Cody hurried over to them. “We’re all meeting up at Brother Jon’s for a couple of beers.”
Pansy’s heart clenched. The last thing she wanted to do was sit with a bunch of rodeo cowboys and cowgirls. Connie would probably be there, and if not her, there would be other women hitting on Kade. They always had, but she’d never been jealous before. She’d trusted him, and he’d never let her down. He’d never even paid attention to the buckle bunnies other than to be polite.
It was not that she was jealous now. Okay, she was a little jealous, but she had no right. They were over, and soon he’d be gone.
Kade gave her hand a little squeeze before answering Cody. “Not tonight. We’ve got to get home.”
Had he realized she’d be uncomfortable, or maybe he just didn’t want to hang out with these people tonight? She’d go with the last one. No way did she want to think about him being able to read her thoughts like he used to.
“Then before you go, I wanted to ask you something.” Words spilled over each other in Cody’s haste to get them out. He’d obviously been thinking about this subject for a while. “I’d like to partner up with you. You know, with the bulls. I need some help, and I can’t think of anyone I’d rather work with.”
She felt Kade stiffen, but the smile on his face didn’t waver. “You’re just feeling sorry for me because I got hurt. I heard you were doing great on your own.”
“That’s not true. I’ve got some great bulls, and I’m making a good living, but there’s room for someone else.”
Kade shook his head the whole time Cody spoke, his mind apparently made up.
For a split second at Cody’s first words, Pansy felt hope rise in her chest. It didn’t take long for that emotion to die a quick death. She knew in her heart Kade wouldn’t quit entering a moment before age or injury made it impossible for him to pull his bull rope.
“Man, I’m a bull rider, not a business man,” Kade said. “I won’t be around here much—for the next few years anyway.”
He not only wasn’t a businessman, he wasn’t husband or daddy material.
Cody nodded. “You think about it. You’ve got lots of contacts, and you know bulls. We could do good together.” With a wave, he turned and headed toward the pens housing the bulls.
“Too bad it isn’t a few years down the road.” Kade took her hand as they headed toward where he’d parked the truck. “Might be fun.”
They walked across the dark, dusty parking lot in silence. Kade laced his fingers through hers, stroking his thumb across her palm. His touch sent a cascade of sparks shooting along her nerve endings. The desire to give in and enjoy him for whatever time she had left was almost overwhelming, but his words kept ringing through her head. “I won’t be around here much—for the next few years anyway.”
CHAPTER TEN
When Kade pulled up to the ranch house, the only light visible was a faint stream filtering through the kitchen window curtains. Even Micah and Cary’s bedroom window was dark. Little Rodie, along with his parents and sister, must be asleep.
Kade hurried around the front of the Dodge and caught up with Pansy before she got to the porch steps. “Come to the barn with me. We need to talk.”
When they’d first arrived in Bend, Pansy’d seemed to be enjoying herself. She’d commented on the scenery during the drive in, talked about the café and shared the sandwiches she’d made for the trip. She’d even seemed a little excited to watch the bulls.
It had been almost like old times, but sometime during the bull riding, or maybe it was the barrel race, she’d become quiet.
If Kade asked a question, she answered readily enough, but her smile had disappeared like smoke on a windy day.
The two-hour drive home had been made in near si
lence.
“We said everything important years ago. I’m tired.” She turned to face him, and the look on her face stopped his heart. Sadness rolled off her in waves. “Thank you for a nice evening.”
“This is important.” Kade laid his hand on her forearm then nodded to the dark hulking shadow of the barn and waited. He needed to clear the air. “Please.”
Pansy shrugged. She shook off his hand and strode toward the barn, her spine stiff, her body tense.
Kade tugged on the wooden handle and swung open the smaller door on the west side. He stood back and let Pansy enter first then followed her to the bench beside the tack room.
She sat down, but when he sat beside her, she stood and crossed to the other side of the aisle. “What’s so important that it couldn’t wait until morning?”
The bare yellow bulb overhead swung slightly on its cord, throwing faint, eerie shadows across the two by eight walls. Pale moonlight slipped through the small, high window and brightened a square on the floor.
Kade stretched out a leg and dipped the toe of his boot into the spot of light.
How was he supposed to start? If he didn’t get this right, he had a feeling Pansy wouldn’t give him another chance. He’d never been accused of being faint of heart, so he sucked in a breath and blurted out what was on his mind. “What’s important is us. What are we going to do about us?”
In the back of Kade’s mind, he’d been mulling over how to bring this up to Pansy. Everything had felt right since he’d found her again, and he wanted to make things great once more. He’d be done riding bulls in a few years, and making a life with this woman was at the top of his list.
The question hadn’t come out the way he’d planned. He’d been going for a little more romance, but at least he’d started something.
He’d been staring at the toes of his boots and finally risked looking at her.
Anger, pure and hot, colored her face. She stormed down the center aisle of the barn, the heels of her boots sending up puffs of dust. When she reached the end, she turned and came back at him like a bullet. “There is no us!” Her voice wavered, her hands closed into fists and her eyes shot sparks. “There hasn’t been an us since you abandoned me.”
“Abandoned you?” He’d known she still harbored resentment for the way things ended, but abandoned? “I never hid the fact that riding bulls was what I wanted to do with my life. You knew that.”
“You went and had fun while I cleaned up the mess you left behind.”
“What mess? I know your parents weren’t the best, but you graduated college, and you’ve done just fine without me.” It rankled him that she’d done better than okay without him. “What mess?”
The anger and rage drained out of her like air from a punctured balloon. She dropped to the floor, leaning her head back onto the stall wall. “I was pregnant.” Her voice shook as she said the words.
“Wait.” Kade was having a hard time following the quick change of subjects. “You said you lost a baby. You said it wasn’t mine. Was it?”
Pansy nodded without raising her head.
“You lost my baby?” Kade could hardly get the words out.
Pansy’s head snapped up. “It’s not like I did it on purpose.” She scrambled to her feet, but then seemed at a loss at what to do next.
Kade stood and caught hold of her hand. “I didn’t mean that like it sounded. Start at the beginning. Tell me what happened.”
Pansy sucked in a shaky breath then let it out with a whoosh. She worked her hand free from his and folded them together, her fingers clenched tight over her knuckles. “Look, it’s over and there’s nothing we can do to fix things.”
“If I’m the baby’s father, I deserve to know what happened.”
Her breath came in short, shallow pants. Bright pink flushed across her cheeks. She lifted her hands and slammed them into his chest. “You…” The strident sound of her voice seemed to bring her back from her fury. Backing away, she stared at him, her jaw clenched. “I tried to call you—several times.”
“After you—“
Pansy held up a hand palm out. “When I called you the last time after you left, I know I fell apart. I didn’t know I was pregnant when I made that call, although that helps explain why I lost it.” She stuffed her hands into the back pockets of her jeans, pacing in a circle around him.
They’d barely had a fight the whole time they’d dated, so he’d been baffled by her phone call. She’d cried, screamed and begged. She’d even resorted to threats. “You scared me. You were out of control. You weren’t the girl I’d known.” Looking back, he should have seen something was very wrong with Pansy, but back then it had been easier to ignore the drama.
“Just listen.”
No matter how hard it was for him to keep quiet, he owed it to Pansy to hear her out. He wondered if she’d ever told anyone what had happened after he left.
“I called you several more times and left messages. You never answered my calls. When I realized you weren’t coming back, I went to my parents.” The humorless chuckle she released was filled with all kinds of sad.
Kade knew what kind of support those people would give to their only daughter. Not one bit if it didn’t go along with their religious views.
“Dad told me to get rid of it.” Tears filled her eyes. She blinked trying to hold them back, but one broke free and rolled a silvery trail down her cheek. “He called my baby an it. Like she didn’t mean anything at all.”
Kade slid his hands beneath his thighs. If he didn’t, he’d gather her into his arms. And he was pretty sure she wouldn’t stand for that. “That’s when you left?”
She nodded.
“You could have gone to Mom and Dad. They love you like you’re their own daughter.”
“Papa made it clear I wasn’t to tell anyone in town. He didn’t want the embarrassment of his child being an unwed mother.” Pansy reached down and plucked up a piece of straw. Keeping her gaze on the pale yellow stalk, she continued. “And you didn’t return my calls. Why would I go to your parents?”
Kade’s parents would have been overjoyed at the thought of any grandchild, but especially Pansy’s child. They’d loved her for almost as long as he had. “You didn’t think they would want to know?”
~*~
“Hard as this is for you to believe, I wasn’t really thinking about you or your family. I was trying to find a place to live and food to eat.” Pansy’s tone was sharp, filled with the pain of years past as she told another white lie. She’d thought of Kade every moment of every day for years.
She raised her gaze and stared into his eyes. “Do you know how hard it is to be all alone? To have no one and to be scared to death?”
He watched her, his eyes searching for her deepest private thoughts. “Tell me about the baby.”
Pain flooded her system. A moan escaped as she wrapped her arms around her waist, but when Kade reached for her, she pushed him away. If she gave in to his kindness now, she’d never get through this without breaking down.
Now that he knew the baby was his, Kade wouldn’t give up until he knew every detail. She rocked back and forth, trying to put her words in order, trying to tell him about his daughter. “I was just over six months along when I doubled over at work. A friend took me to the free clinic. It was too late.”
Kade turned away and walked to the end of the building. He stood with his back to her.
As Pansy waited, she looked around the barn. Years ago, when she’d still held out hope Kade would find her, she’d imagined this scenario. She’d imagined Kade finding her in Denver. She’d never thought the difficult conversation would take place in a dusty barn.
Although Denver had provided the anonymity she’d sought, it was big, and she was a country girl at heart. Several times she’d thought of leaving, but she didn’t have the heart to start over. Besides, Maxie’s tiny grave was there.
She’d walked like a zombie through her days, not really living. Not until she’d met
Cary and come here had things looked up.
Kade turned and strode back to her. “Did we—” He stopped and cleared his throat. “Did we have a daughter or a son?”
She’d lived with their baby’s death for years and had come to terms with it as much as possible, but watching Kade, she realized the knife sharp pain of loss was just starting for him.
“I named our daughter Maxie. You’d have liked her, Kade. She was a fighter.
“She lived for a while?”
“Eight days, but in the end, she was just too little.” She’d had that all-too-short time with their daughter, something Kade would never get. “I told her how much I loved her. I told her about you.” Her voice cracked and tears filled her eyes.
“You named her Maxie?” Kade had stopped pacing and turned his full attention to her.
“Maxine Eleanor Lucie. I named her for my grandmother, your mom and Eleanor Roosevelt. I figured it couldn’t hurt to have people as strong as those three women to watch over her.” Even though logically she knew it wasn’t true, she’d often wondered if Grams and Mrs. Roosevelt thought she couldn’t take care of Maxie and had called her to be with them.
“My mom will be honored. Would you come with me to tell them?” Kade stood in front of her, his arms hanging at his sides. “They’ll want to know.”
The thought of standing in front of Kade’s parents, the people who’d made her life bearable, and telling them their granddaughter had died made her lungs seize. She coughed, trying to clear her throat. “I don’t know if I can do that.”
“Do you want to keep this just between us?” Kade reached out, touching her arm with his fingertips.
She stopped, took a deep breath and took his hand in hers. “I know this is all new to you, but I’ve finally made peace with Maxie’s death. I not sure I can go through this all again. Not now. I’m not that girl who did everything everybody asked no matter how hard it was on her.”
Kade’s confusion and pain were evident in his expression. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Pansy. If I’d known—”
Sweet Cowboy Kisses (Sugar Coated Cowboys Book 2) Page 10