Copyright © 2014 by Janice MacLeod
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Cover design by Jennifer K. Beal Davis
Cover image © Janice MacLeod
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This book is a memoir. It reflects the author’s present recollections of her experiences over a period of years. Some names and characteristics have been changed, some events have been compressed, and some dialogue has been re-created.
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Contents
Front Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Author’s Note
1. We Met at a Café in Paris
2. How Much Money Does It Take to Quit Your Job?
3. Clean Out Your Underwear Drawer
4. Take Care of Unfinished Business
5. Cut Down on Groceries
6. Find an Accomplice
7. Turn What You’ve Got into Something You Can Sell
8. Write Your Resignation Letter
9. Or Should I Say Bonjour?
10. Gustav Who?
11. Try Something New
12. Mona Lisa Smile
13. Declare Nothing but Your Genius
14. There Is No Place Like Rome
15. Bridge of Sighs
16. Unpacking in Paris
17. The Paris Letter Project
18. Our First Fight
19. How Would You Like Your Eggs?
20. Rosé-Colored Glasses of Summer
21. Franglish
22. Haunted by Hemingway
23. Guests Galore
24. The Etsy Quit Your Day Job Article
25. Yellow Flip-Flop Summer
26. Nightmares… Les Cauchemars
27. Paris Revealed Itself to Me in Layers
28. Beautiful Old Ladies
29. Potatoes and Proposal
30. A Baffled Bride
31. A Wedding in Paris… and Beyond
32. How to Be an Artist
33. Paris Letters
My Little and Big Acts to Save Up or Not Spend $100 a Day
Thank You
About the Author
Back Cover
For Áine Magennis.
Thank you for introducing me to a bigger world through your letters.
They were the seeds of my dream.
“As you move toward a dream, the dream moves toward you.”
—Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way
Author’s Note
To write this book, I relied upon my journal, my blog, and my memory. I lay it out here pretty much how it happened. Longtime readers of my blog will recognize some of the content as it was inspired by posts intrinsic to telling this story.
There are a few composite characters in this book, and some names and characteristics have been changed to protect people’s privacy. One notable exception is Christophe. His name really is Christophe (Krzysztof in Polish) and to change one thing about him would be a travesty.
I omitted a few places I traveled and a few people with whom I traveled because neither had an impact on the story. Most of the men described in this book have been given more stunning qualities than they actually cultivated in themselves because that is how I once rolled. But that was before. After, naturally, came later.
1
We Met at a Café in Paris
“I’m in love with the butcher,” I told Summer. We were sitting outside Shakespeare & Company, an English bookstore on the Left Bank, just beyond the shadow of Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.
“That was fast. I thought you were vegan?”
“I was. I am. But I’m in Paris.”
Paris, it seems, was the beginning of letting go of who I was and grabbing hold of who I was to become. It was the spring of 2011. I had recently left my job and my life in Los Angeles and booked three months to traipse around Europe. Six weeks in Paris, three weeks in the United Kingdom, the rest in Italy.
“Is he in love with you too?” she asked.
“We haven’t spoken.” I hesitated. “But the other day when I ordered my coffee at the café across from his shop, we locked eyes. Yesterday, when I walked by, I said Bonjour and he said Bonjour back. And this morning, I said the same and he replied with Bonjour, mademoiselle.”
“Progress!” She laughed and slapped my shoulder like she was my oldest and dearest friend, instead of what she really was, someone I met at the airport baggage claim at Charles de Gaulle a few days before. Summer had approached me and asked if I’d ever taken the train to the city center. I said I hadn’t but I was going to figure it out. She grabbed her bag off the belt and said she’d follow me. After an hour on the train, we had decided to spend a few days navigating our way around Paris together during the week she was here. Paris was a big town, and it would be nice to have someone with whom I could get my bearings.
She had a loud, raspy roughness about her that made me wince, but even the ones you don’t like, you like better in Paris. When you travel, you release the usual hang-ups because you need to cling together in the face of a foreign culture. Making friends on the road is a mix of sympathy and surrender. This friend looked like she had always been on the Blond Ambition Tour. Her long blond extensions fell perfectly down her back, her big blue eyes were topped with long eyelash extensions, and her lip gloss glistened in the warm spring sunshine.
“Why don’t you talk to him?” she asked as we perused les livres on the sales rack outside the bookstore. She wanted to buy a book and get it stamped with the bookstore’s famous logo as a souvenir.
“No way. What if he speaks French back? If he said more than ‘Bonjour, mademoiselle’ to me, I’d stare back with my tongue in knots.” I was required to take French in elementary school and high school in Canada, but I spoke French to other English-speaking students and we only read what was in our livre. Here in France, they could say anything, and I was not prepared for anything.
“What does he look like?” She was flipping through a French cookbook.
My butcher boyfriend bore a striking resemblance to Daniel Craig. He had light brown hair and the blue eyes of mystics and madmen. His striped shirt was rolled up past his elbows, revealing the beginning of a tattoo. Each morning, he would lift a spit of chickens from the top of the rotisserie and lean it against the table. He slid them off one by one with a long fork, piling them in a pyramid on the warmer. He and his sexy jeans would then bend down to stir up the potatoes that were roasting in drippings at the bottom of the oven. When that was done, he would stand up, lean against the wall, look my way, and smile.
I felt steam.
“So do I,” Summer said, fanning herself.
“Where is this café?”
It was on rue Mouffetard, the city’s oldest market street. From there, I could watch the parade of people and pooches picking up morsels from each shop along the cobblestone street. In one direction, I spotted two wine shops, two fish shops, and a fruit market. In the other direction, two bakeries, two bistros, and another fruit market. And directly across from me, a butcher shop featuring a blue-eyed James Bond.
“I can’t talk to him,” I said. “I could hardly even order a coffee in French.”
• • •
On my first morning at the café, the waiter came by to take my order.
“Café latte, s’il vous plaît,” I sputtered.
“Café crème,” he corrected.
I nodded and blushed. This would be my first of thousands of linguistic corrections in Paris. A café latte is about the same as a café crème, but this isn’t Italy or Starbucks. Steve Martin once joked that the French have a different word for everything. And here, it’s not latte. It’s crème.
Sitting with my crème, I pulled out my journal to write. It was March 2011, and I had been keeping a daily journal for the last fourteen months. But on this day, for the first time, I had nothing to write.
I looked up at the butcher. He looked over at me.
I blushed. He did not.
I picked up my pen and began:
Dear Monsieur Boucher,
I wish I could speak French.
I would ask you many questions. How did you come to stand outside la boucherie all day selling chickens? Do your feet get tired? Your back? Your arms? How do you keep your mind occupied? How do you feel about everyone walking along and you staying in one spot? When you look down at your phone, are you looking for a text from a girl? Where do you go at the end of the day? Are you going to meet her? Has anyone ever told you that you look like Daniel Craig?
I imagine that you follow a sports team passionately and that the friends you have are friends you’ve had for life. I imagine they are good people. You seem like a good person.
I watch you smile at children. You lean down to hear little old ladies. You shake hands with men. You check me out.
I wish you could sit with me here at the café. You would speak French. I would speak English. We would not understand each other, but we would grin and offer up sheepish smiles.
We could take a lifetime to piece together a conversation. It would be nice.
Bonsoir, mon ami mystérieux,
Janice
“You wrote the butcher a letter?” said Summer. We were squeezing our way through the crowded bookstore. “Did you give it to him?”
I shook my head. Instead of giving him the letter, I had tucked it into my purse, paid for my coffee, and struck out for the day.
“Give it to him. You could score two weeks of kisses along the Seine!” she said. “Isn’t that what you’re here for? That’s why I’m here. I’d love a little French romance on my Parisian adventure.”
My plan here in Paris sounded lame by comparison. I was here to take pretty photos for my blog and to warm up my language skills. Three days in, I was able to order my crème with my waiter and say Bonjour to the butcher. Progress? I sighed. “We don’t even speak the same language. It would end like it always ends.”
“Or not,” she said.
I hadn’t considered that option before. That it could not end. I thought of my letter. I didn’t know at the time that the letter full of questions for the butcher would lead to a lot of answers.
Books were piled to the rafters and in messy stacks along the stairs. Some were new, most were Gently Used, according to the sticker on the bindings. Sometimes, you could even pick up an old book and discover that it had been signed by the author to George Whitman, the original owner of the store.
George found himself in Paris after World War II. He hadn’t been too eager to return to America, so he enrolled at the Sorbonne University to study French. During his studies, he had amassed a rather large collection of English books. If you’ve ever studied language in a foreign country, you know that you should immerse yourself fully and turn away from your mother tongue in order to get the new language to stick in your head. But what often happens is that you become even more eager to read books in your own language, find friends of your own language, and do all you can to rest your brain from the mental pushups of learning the new language. Eventually, George had amassed so many English books that he decided to open an English bookstore. He soon expanded to digs on the bank of the Seine where it sits today, welcoming rebelling French language students and English writers for over fifty years.
Summer bought a book about the history of burlesque in Paris. I thought back to the butcher and bought a French-English dictionary.
2
How Much Money Does It Take to Quit Your Job?
Before I arrived in Paris, I was living in California, working as a copywriter in an advertising agency. I was thirty-four, single, lonely, feeling unfulfilled by my job, and on the brink of burnout. Something had to change.
I wanted to be an artist, someone who could make a great living creating something lovely. So I made a New Year’s resolution in January 2010 to do just that. In Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way, she details how to become an artist. One of her instructions is to write three pages a day in a journal and the answers will come. She explains that in writing, “many changes will be set in motion. Chief among them will be the triggering of synchronicity: we change and the universe furthers and expands that change.” She continues with a note, which excited and frightened me in equal measure. “Leap, and the net will appear.”
So I started writing in my journal. Three pages a day for a year. I also started a blog so I would be accountable to an invisible populace. We would discover together if writing three pages a day in a journal could turn me into an artist. It was a small leap, but it gave me hope that I could change my life, or at least enhance it. Really, I just wanted to create something that made me feel good, because what I was currently creating definitely did not.
I wrote junk mail. I wrote the garbage that goes straight from the mailbox to the recycling box. No flashy car commercials for me. No hip billboards. No. I wrote true junk mail. I mucked up websites with ads, stuffed bills with flyers, and inundated the public with information on products they probably didn’t care about and likely never asked for. That was me. Mailing out perfect forest after perfect forest of perfectly useless messages from Fortune 500 companies. I was directly involved with the noise of daily life.
You know that letter you received from the car insurance company about how you could save big if you switched now? That was me. And the one from your phone company that told you if you upgraded to a family plan, everyone would save? That was me too. And those extra slips of advertising in your electric bill, gas bill, and credit card bill? Me, me, and me.
I’m not a fan of this legacy of garbage but, as my colleague Jeff always reminded me, the checks cleared. Copywriting gave me two things I loved: those checks and something impressive to say about my career at parties. Everyone thinks advertising is slick. But it’s only slick in a greasy kind of way.
Sure, on occasion I had the chance to do a fun TV spot, but TV spots are big-budget endeavors, and with the stock market decline of 2007 followed by the flailing economy, companies were going for cheaper modes of getting the word out: direct mail.
During the first month of writing in my journal, I had a lot of questions about how I had become so miserable with my life. On the surface, everything looked fine. I was making a decent living. I had an apartment in Santa Monica with two parking spots (which is a big deal if you live in Southern California), and I had a nice handful of friends. Life should have felt great. I had just turned thirty-four and was hanging out on a rung near the top of the corporate ladder. But it started to dawn on me that my ladder was leaning against the wrong wa
ll. How did this happen? One question swirled in my head and finally fell onto the page:
Whose dream life am I living? Because it’s certainly not mine.
I scanned through the history of my decisions for clues on how I arrived at this place. Immediately, I had the unpleasant realization that I was, in fact, living my dream life, but it was a dream life I had created after I graduated university when I didn’t know any better. I grew up; my dreams did not. Back then, more than anything, I had wanted to be a copywriter, and once I started working in an advertising agency, I learned I had a talent for it. I worked my way up to middle management, which afforded me middle management luxuries. I couldn’t afford to buy a house, but I could afford an apartment in Santa Monica—not beachfront, but beachfront adjacent.
And yet.
After a decade, I was drained and miserable, and I knew I couldn’t fulfill this dream for the long haul.
At the beginning of my advertising career, someone had mentioned that it’s easy to burn out. I thought this was crazy talk. At the time, I had just started writing the inserts that went into the phone bill, which, in advertising hierarchy, was considered a step up from writing the back of cereal boxes. I thought I had hit the big time or was well on my way to writing print ads and car commercials. Maybe one day I’d get the holy grail of advertising: a Super Bowl spot. Awards, accolades, and raises poured in. Well, they didn’t pour in, but there was a consistent trickle. And I loved every bit of it. But after the millionth headline and billionth copy change, I couldn’t use advertising to burn through my creative juices anymore. I was on autopilot. If writing direct mail wasn’t helping to get my creative energy out, I figured I’d have to burn it up in an artistic endeavor. But what? Up until then, I had dabbled in photography, jewelry making, painting, collage, guitar, and even bookbinding, but like most New Year’s resolutions, my enthusiasm for these pursuits waned, and I was left once again with plenty of creative energy but no outlet.
Could I just get another job at another agency? No, that wasn’t a solution. I had been in enough agencies at this point to know, as they say in Paris, same merde, different pile. And honestly, if I had to work in an advertising agency, the agency I was at was as good as any other. In fact, it was probably better than most, except for the staggering number of status meetings and the meager two-week vacation policy. But there were free snacks in the kitchen and as many Post-it Notes as I wanted. I should have been spending my time being grateful.
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