by Rod Carstens
"Yeah, please." Kate said.
"Me too." Jack said.
Tom got up and was walking toward the stairs to grab the beers when a string of firecrackers and then the boom of a larger firework went off. Some nearby kids ran laughing away in the darkness. Without thinking Tom dropped into the fetal position his hands behind his neck. It was what Mac called the "I don't want to die" position they took when caught in the open mortars or artillery. He did it without thinking. It was pure instinct now. He had not even processed the fact that he was no longer in Vietnam. He lay like that for several seconds until Jack and Kate turned around to see him.
Kate began chuckling. "The big Marine scared of a few firecrackers."
"Kate!" Jack said sharply enough for her to look at him. He had stood up and put his hand up to tell her to shut up.
Tom slowly stood brushing sand off. Embarrassed. Angry. His heart still pounding with left over adrenaline.
"Fuck. Goddamnit." He said.
Tom turned and swiftly walked away from the fire down the beach to be by himself. He lit a cigarette to calm his shaking hands.
"What in the hell?" Kate said.
"Sweetie that is what you do when you are caught out in the open and the bad guys start shelling you. It's the way you stay alive." Jack voice seemed old and sad. "I should know I spent enough time in that position in the war."
"But he not in Vietnam."
"Doesn't matter. It took me months not to startle at sudden sounds and it was three months before I got home. He was just there a couple of days ago."
Kate stood. "I need to apologize to him I didn't mean to.."
"No you stay here. Let me handle this one."
Jack walked slowly down the beach, giving Tom time to recover. He was standing with his back to Jack staring out at the ocean.
"You all right now?" Jack said.
"Yeah, yeah. Just peachy."
"Yeah it took me a long time not to do that." Jack said.
Tom turned and looked at him.
"Does it get better?" Tom said.
"Yeah but it takes a while."
"Fuck." Tom turned back to stare out at the ocean. Jack just stood next to him and lit his own cigarette.
"That guy on the airplane and now this. I'm not the same. I've changed. It'll never been the same will it?"
Jack looked at him for a long moment before he finally said. "No. No it won't. It will get better; dimmer but there will be times when it all comes back. But even those times will get further and further apart, but no it will never go away. You are changed. We all are no matter what anyone says. If you go into combat you are never the same."
Tom looked at him and said. "Will Mac ever get easier?"
Jack hesitated before he said. "A little but it will always be hard. At least it is for me. I got more than few that I don't like to think about. I wish I could say that it would but it is better you know. It is better you know that it is the same for everyone no matter what they say."
"Fuck me." Tom said quietly.
"Yeah." Jack said.
They stood there for some time each lost in their own thoughts. Finally Jack turned to leave.
"You know she didn't mean anything by it." Jack said.
"Yeah, I know. It not her that I'm upset about, it just that I just realized how much I'm changing and not necessarily for the better."
"It is what it takes to survive my young friend and that is the only thing that matters."
They exchanged a glance and Jack headed back to the fire and Kate. When Jack walked up Kate leaned forward in her chair.
"Is he all right? I didn't mean anything. Are you sure I don't need to apologize to him?"
"No sweetie, he knows you didn't mean anything by it. You were just being your usual smart ass self. No this is much bigger. He's facing just how much he's changed and is going to change once this war is over."
"I don't understand."
"When you're in it you do what you have to survive. Then you come back to the real world and just how much you've changed smacks you in the face. He has to face it before his war is over. It is not easy. Especially knowing he's going back."
Kate could just make out his form down by the water. He seemed so alone. It was some time before he finally came back to the fire. Katie had a beer waiting.
"Thanks."
"No problem cowboy. Sit down and stay a spell." Kate said.
Tom smiled at her imitation of an old cowboy movie.
"That's more like it," she said.
The three of them sat watching the fire slowly burn itself down. Each lost in their own thoughts. Finally Jack stood and said.
"As much as I hate to do this. I've got to go. I got a call from my agent. They need a quick re-write. I've to go back to the city tonight instead of in the morning. They are expecting me at the studio first thing."
"Anything big?" Kate said.
"Nothing much some little independent."
"Look you two have the run of the house until I get back. The keys to Porsche are in the usual place, if you want to get out of the house. So enjoy."
Jack stood and held out his hand to Tom.
"I can't thank you enough." Tom said.
"No thanks needed Marine. Semper Fi. Besides I should be back in a few days, and I can lie to you about how I won the war."
"I'd like to hear that." Tom smiled.
Tom and Jack shook hands. Jack leaned down kissed Kate on the top of the head.
"Behave yourself young lady."
Jack went up the stairs and they soon hear his Jaguar roar into life. He left with a squeal of tires.
"I don't know about you but I'm exhausted. I'm ready to go to bed. Jack said you could use his bedroom. The room that had your clothes in them." Kate said.
"I think I sit down here while longer. Stretch this day out as long as I can." Tom said.
"Ok then. See you in the morning."
Kate stood and as she left she mused his hair, as an after thought she leaned down and kissed him on top of the head. Then she was walked up the stairs. She paused on the deck. She looked down at the young man with his feet propped up on the fire ring. He looked very lonely down there. She hesitated then went inside prepared for bed. She did not lock her door. She lay there for some time expecting him to come through the door, but he never did and she drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 28
Tom sat staring at the fire listening to the surf break. He was warm, dry, no one was shooting at him and he was well on this way to getting drunk. He was staying at a beach house he could have only seen in pictures in magazines and beautiful girl was flirting with him. All should have been right with the world but it was not, not by a long shot. It was not just Mac, it everything else. He didn't feel as if he belonged here anymore.
A young couple walked by arm in arm. She had hair long enough it almost reached the top of her bikini. They were passing a joint back and forth as they slowly walked down the beach. They ambled slowly behind a large boulder on the beach. Before he realized it he thought they had better get behind that rock before a sniper got them. Get behind a rock before a sniper got them? What in God's name was wrong with him?
The war was a world away but not for him. It was right inside his head everywhere he looked. He had found himself checking out every window or doorway for a sniper since he had gotten off the airplane. Looking down as walked for trip wires. Watching the high ground for signs of movement. All the skills that had kept him alive over the last six months, the little tricks that had kept him and Mac alive until that day, the day that changed everything. Now Mac was gone and he had to face the war without him, without his toughness, without his humor. The simple thought of the war without Mac at his side made his stomach tighten with fear. He took a long pull from his beer trying to rid himself of the fear. He knew had changed but the did not know how much until came back to the world and found himself still over there. Still in the shit even a world away. The firecrackers only emphasized what he
was beginning to understand; he would never be the same again.
He did not know if he was strong enough without Mac next to him. He had the instincts now, for better or worse, he was a survivor. It meant he knew he would do anything that was necessary to live. No matter what it took he would survive. As he sat there on the beach drinking a beer in the peace of the States knowing he was a survivor did not make him feel good.
He didn't want to think about it but deep down he knew he felt it even for Mac, better thee than me. It was not something a nineteen year old should not know about himself. Nor should he know what he now knew about the world through the lens of war. That people were capable of things that most could not even imagine. That he was capable of things he could not have imagined just a few months ago. The Marine Corp had taught him how to kill but they never taught him how to deal with the killing. Mac knew more about the realities of the world than he ever had and had tried to teach him as much as he could, as he used tell him 'survival man that is all that matters', no matter who or what.
The war and Mac's loss was ground into him in ways he was just beginning to understand. It had changed him and would change him in ways he still did not understand. He was not sure what he was going to do with what he felt. He had no place to put the emotions they were raw and sharp ready to cut him and others deeply if he were not careful. He had no idea who or what he was going to become by then end of the war. He suddenly realized that the not knowing was more frightening than the war or dying.
Every time he tried to sleep the nightmares were waiting for him. Even at Mama Macs. He was going back up the stairs trying to get to Mac before he reached the landing but he never made it in time. This was the first time he had a chance to get drunk enough to pass out. Maybe that would work. He was so tired he could hardly keep his eyes open but he was afraid to close them. He was not drunk enough yet. He finished his beer and reached for another. Like Mac said if you got drunk or stoned enough nothing mattered. It would all just go away for a while. That is exactly what Tom wanted so badly was for the war to go away just for a while, just for a little fucking while. Finally much later he staggered up the stairs and threw himself on the bed and passed out.
Kate woke with a start. She glanced at the clock by the bed. It was close to three. She must have been dreaming. Then she heard something. She wasn't sure if she were really hearing at first. Then she heard it clearly.
"Mac, no. Mac look what they have done to you. Mac...."
Kate jumped up and ran into Tom's bedroom. He was twisted in the sheets. His body glistened with sweat.
"Get down!' Tom yelled. He was sound asleep caught in some terrible place.
Kate went to the bed and was going to shake his shoulder when she remembered his reaction on the plane. She reached down and grabbed his foot. Tom bolted upright his arms swinging wildly. Kate grabbed his hand.
"Tom, Tom it's me. It's Kate. You're not there now. You're safe."
At first he did not know where he was, then he recognized her and relaxed. He began to cry. Kate took them into her arms and held him. His body was tense as if he were about to about to bolt out of her arms. She held him tightly
"It's all right baby. You're with me. You're safe. Shhhhh." Kate said. Tom arms slowly went around her and held onto her as if his life depended on it. Then he began to relax and seemed to let go of something that he had been holding back.
"It should have been me. It was my turn to go first. I hesitated. Mac just looked at me and said. 'I got this one bro.' It should have been me."
Kate could feel him shake, as said the words that must have been tearing him apart.
"Shhhh. Mac knew what he was doing. He was taking care of his friend, the way you had taken care of him. He knew. He knew. Baby. Oh baby."
She rocked him in her arms. He began to cry. She let him cry holding him. She had no idea how long she held him before she finally slipped into bed next him. He lay quietly in her arms until he was asleep. He held onto her as he slept as if she were the only thing keeping him afloat on a very dangerous sea.
She stared out the big window in the bedroom into the moonlight that illuminated the surf. A scene she had seen a thousand times yet she felt more connected with the natural forces that drove the scene than ever before. The deep natural forces that influenced it all. She felt something deep and powerful and new to her. She now understood what a woman could give to man besides sex. She could give her warm, comfort and a temporary shelter from the world and the demons that were haunting him. It was something that only a woman could give to a man. She held him closer and gently stroked his hair as he slept. The feeling gave her a satisfaction she had never felt before. It felt wonderful and powerful to be needed for something besides her looks. She lay with Tom in her arms for a very long time reveling in the feeling before she feel asleep.
CHAPTER 29
The light of the late morning sun coming through the window finally woke them. He still lay in her arms. When Tom realized Kate was in bed with him he sat up with a start. He looked down at Kate. She just smiled at him.
"I'm sorry. I..I" Tom said.
Kate reached up and caressed the side of his face.
"No need to apologize baby. It was my pleasure."
Kate was nude except for a pair of panties. Gently she pulled him down into her arms, and kissed him on the mouth. She took he hand put it on her breast. She kissed him again. This time her lips parted and her tongue gently traced his lips.
"Baby, please..." Kate said.
Tom responded, pulling her close and kissing for a very long time. The emotions of last night turned the act this morning into something that was very different than just sex for Kate, for the first time she felt as if she were making love to someone. As clumsy and inexperienced as he was Kate was more excited than she had been with anyone else. She used her experience to slow things down and increase the pleasure for both of them.
But she found she was not the only one being taught something by their lovemaking. He was gentle and strong and was trying to make love to her. He was more worried about her pleasure than his own. So many times before it had turned into a quick and unsatisfying act if she were not careful with her choice, but this morning was so very different. She gave herself to him in a way she had never done with any other man. For the first time ever, Billy Bob never once entered her mind during lovemaking.
She found herself understanding what it meant to make love to someone, to care about the other person's feelings more than their own sensations. She found herself giving what only a woman could give to a man, and that giving meant so much more than the sensations it produced; it turned simple sex into a healing and life-affirming act. One that women had been giving the men they loved for time immemorial. It was the first time she truly understood what it meant to be a woman who wanted a man.
After the intensity of their lovemaking, they lay in each other's arms silently, neither feeling the need to speak. She loved the feel of him, his wonderful soft skin over the rock hard muscles that moved under underneath. She ran her hands over his shoulders and down his side. She felt the raised surface of the wound on his side. Kate slowly traced the scar with a single finger as if to heal it. She leaned down and gently kissed it. They lay on their sides simply staring into each other eyes, Tom gently stroking Kate's hair. There did not seem to be anything to say, their lovemaking had said all that needed to be said. Finally Tom rolled over onto her and kissed her.
"Already?" Kate said.
Then she felt his excitement.
"Oh, my!" Kate said with a low chuckle. "Come here baby."
Kate was surprised to realize she wanted him as badly as he had wanted her. They gently and slowly made love again drawing the sensations out. Tom fell asleep afterward. With the morning light flooding the room Kate felt a wonderful sense of well being, then she realized it was something new and different. Something she had never felt like this before, a happiness that was deep down and sure as if nothing from the outs
ide could touch it. Kate sighed enjoying her new found joy and snuggled down into the crook of his arm. She threw one leg over his, perfectly comfortable and with no wish to be anywhere else in the world but right there in bed with him.
As he slept next to her she stared out the window at Pacific Ocean not knowing if she could trust her own feelings of being so safe and secure in a man's arms. She was usually the first one out of the door. She had turned the phrase around to slam bam thank you sir. See ya next time. Since Billy Bob men had become a necessary evil. With her looks and lack of interest in a real relationship she found she could play men easily, being the aggressor playing them for whatever it was she wanted or needed. Men were needed to satisfy certain urges but not to be trusted. How could she trust someone like Tom so quickly? Jack she had proven himself over a long period of time, he could be trusted and not feared but why was she so suddenly trusting Tom? Even in her confusion she found herself relaxed and secure. None of it made sense but right now it did not seem to matter, the feeling of being safe and secure seemed to matter more and she found herself drifting off to sleep.
CHAPTER 30
Tom woke before Kate. He lay there staring at her as she slept. Making love to her had been a revelation. His only experience with sex up to that point had been a fumbling couple of times in high school with Sharon unsure and regretful afterward. Then the whores in Tijuana and Vietnam where the act was based on money and a simple need to try and have a human experience that didn't involve the damn war. With Kate the lovemaking was so much more. Kate wanted him as much as he wanted her. She was at once playful and laughing then almost fierce in her need. She made love to him as much as he made love to her. She was the aggressor then the recipient. When she kissed him it was as if there was nothing else in the world but her need for him. The simple feel of her naked body next to his, so warm and accepting was a beyond anything thing he had ever experienced. This is what all of the pornography he had seen and read in the squad bays had tried to capture and never come close to showing or describing. She gave herself to him without coyness. She was frank in her need for him and joyous in giving him pleasure. She had taught him, without a single word what the physical act of lovemaking should be like between a man and a woman.