Through All the Years

by Rod Carstens

  He wished he could tell her how he felt as he lay there watching her sleep but he could find no words that would come close. She had given herself to him as no one had ever done and it had changed him. It was amazing that a simple physical act could so change someone so quickly. He felt as if he had stepped through some sort of barrier and now was on the other side of something. A place where the word love was suddenly very much in his mind. He was not sure he should say something like that but it is what he felt. He watched her sleep for sometime before he felt the want for her return. Kate woke as he began again to kiss her. She returned the kiss and snuggled closer. He pulled her to him and she felt his desire. She laughed and pushed herself away from him.

  "Oh, no there buster. This girl needs a smoke and some food or you are not going to get anywhere."

  Tom smiled tried to grab her as she jumped out of bed. Propped on elbow he watched her as she pulled out a couple of robes from the closet and some fresh towels.

  "Tease." Tom said with a laugh.

  "Yeah right. Last one in has in the pool is a rotten egg," Kate said heading for the bathroom and the shower. They showered together with Kate laughingly keeping him at bay. She jumped out of the shower threw a towel at him. They toweled off laughing at his excitement then put on robes and went to kitchen.

  "What are you in the mood for baby. Breakfast or lunch?" Kate said.

  "What time is it?"

  "Sweetie it is one in the afternoon." Kate said giving him an arched look.

  "Jesus."

  "Well we could have gotten an early start, but there was somebody I know was more than a little demanding this morning."

  "Me? I was just lying there sleeping when I was attacked by a strange woman."

  "I didn't hear any complaints." Kate said giving him a knowing smile.

  They exchange a glance that made Tom feel the want for her all over again.

  "You know Jack, he has all the makings of a good diner breakfast. Interested?" Kate said staring into the refrigerator.

  "You can cook?"

  "You bet your ass I can cook. Mom was too busy with boyfriends to cook so I learned the hard way."

  "Then that sounds great. Could you hand me a Coke out of the fridge."

  "No, coffee. Yuck."

  Kate lit a cigarette and shared it with Tom as she cooked. Kate was suddenly aware of this strange hummy feeling deep down in the center of things, a feeling that made her calm and relaxed but most of all happy. She was happy. Happy in a way she had never felt before. Where was this coming from? Being in bed with someone was one thing but out of bed. Making breakfast. She glanced at Tom and knew very well where it was coming from and how unexpected it was to be feeling this way. She was taking care of him, why did caring about someone else so much make her feel so happy? What was that about?

  She watched as he pulled glasses and plates down and set them on the counter. A very domestic and ordinary scene but one that Kate had rarely experienced in her life, and one which to her surprise she was very much enjoying. She turned the bacon over and was pleased when Tom touched her waist as he moved past her to the refrigerator. Kate decided that she was not going to think about the why's of it and just enjoy the feeling. She put the bacon on a plate and began to crack the eggs, all the while enjoying the humming going on deep in the center of things.

  They ate a huge breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast and fried potatoes. They were sitting with cigarettes coffee and a coke on the big deck in the early afternoon sunlit. It was a perfect California day, cloudless and not too hot.

  Tom had his feet propped up on the railing of the wall enjoying the pure animal joy of being alive sitting next to a beautiful girl. When the future kept trying to creep over the wall and remind him of what lay ahead for them he fought it back over the wall. He was headed back to Nam and this beautiful girl was headed in a very different direction. He knew he should just relax and enjoy this time he was lucky enough to have. He shook himself to get rid of those thoughts and live in the moment. He needed to get out into the ocean. Tom stood and headed for the bedroom.

  "Where are you going?" Kate said.

  "Thought I would put on some trunks and see how the waves are today."

  He was changing into his Baggies in the bedroom, when Kate walked in.

  "Where did you say you are going?"

  "I thought I might do some surfing." Tom said.

  Kate dropped her robe; nude she walked over to him and slowly untied his shorts and pushed them to the floor her eyes never leaving his.

  "I don't think so there buster."

  They fell into bed together.

  CHAPTER 37

  It was late afternoon when Tom woke. Kate was curled up next to him sound asleep. Tom got up and threw on his Baggies. His stirring around woke Kate; she looked up at him sleepily and waved then snuggled back into the bed. Tom threw on his trunks, ran down the stairs from the deck and grabbed the board. He headed out into the surf with late afternoon wind blowing on shore.

  The waves were smaller and there was some wind so it was not as good as yesterday. You should have been here yesterday, the old surfers refrain came to mind as he paddled out. He surfed until the sun began to disappear below the horizon turning the ocean red. He walked out of the ocean tired and feeling better than he had felt in a very long time. He had not thought of Nam or Mac all day, as soon as realized he had not thought of Mac, a wave of guilt washed over him. He should not be losing Mac so quickly. It don't mean nothing man, he could hear Mac saying to him. Gotta keep moving on.

  "How was it?" Kate yelled from the balcony.

  "Not bad. Not as good as yesterday."

  Kate held up two beers.

  "Looks good."

  "Come and get it big boy." Kate said with a smirk, her tone offering more than just the beer. The light of the setting sun illuminated her in a soft gold light; she could not have looked more beautiful or desirable.

  "Be right there."

  He rinsed the salt water off in the outside shower before he toweled off and went up the stairs. Kate was waiting with a beer in each hand. She handed him one and he took a long sip.

  "Thanks babe."

  "Is that the only thanks I get?" Kate pouted.

  He leaned down but before he could kiss her, she gave him a long lingering soft kiss. The sun had set and the only light left was the after glow. The ocean was calm, with a few small waves gently breaking against the shore. Kate sat down on the arm of Tom's chair and he put his arm around her waist. She ran her hand affectionately through his hair. They sat there for sometime enjoying the peace of the moment and the pure pleasure of being together. Neither felt a need to say or explain anything.

  "There are more steaks in the fridge or some chicken I could fix."

  "If you can stand it some more steaks."

  "Honey, this girl can stand a steak anytime." Kate said.

  "I'll go down and start the fire." Tom said.

  "I'll put the potatoes in and make a salad."

  "I'm going to take a shower first." Tom said.

  "No hurry."

  Kate watched him walk into the bedroom. She kept thinking that women had done this for their men who had come back from war for as long as men had fought each other. She felt as if she were part of something very ancient and healing.

  As Kate was fixing the salad and potatoes Tom came into the kitchen fresh out of the shower. He was barefoot with a t-shirt and shorts on, his hair still wet. He looked like any other young man of the day, except for those old eyes. They were not as haunted but they still were old with the war behind them. He grabbed a beer out of the fridge and kissed her on the back of the neck as moved past. She leaned back into him for a moment and then he moved on. This need for physical intimacy was very new to Kate. Normally Kate did not like to be touched unless she initiated it. All of this was not like her but she found she liked it.

  "I'm going downstairs and start the fire. Is there a radio or something I can take down there? I would
like some tunes." Tom said.

  "No, need Jack has an outside speaker system. I'll put a stack of records on. What do you want hear?"

  "Surprise me." He said from the stairs.

  Kate went over to the record cabinet looking for a Stones album. She found it and put it on the bottom of the stack. Then she carefully made sure it was the first song that would come on the speakers. She turned up the volume. The Stones "Let's Spend the Night Together" blasted away in the cool California night. She danced her way to the balcony. Tom was bent over the fire.

  "Hey big boy what do you think?"

  Tom looked up. Kate was standing on the balcony. She was moving slowly to the beat of the song. Her hair was blowing gently in the wind. Tom thought he had never seen anyone so beautiful in his life. It must have shown on his face because when she saw the look on his face she stopped dancing and leaned on the railing a slow smile crossing her face. She just returned the gaze for a long moment before she said.

  "You know dinner could wait. I'm not that hungry."

  "You know suddenly I'm not hungry either."

  He ran upstairs to Kate who was waiting with open arms. They ate very late that night.

  CHAPTER 32

  Tom rode the wave into the shore till he could step off the board into the shallow water. He had been in the water since just after sunrise. He had no idea what time it was but it had been hours. Hours lost in the waves. The conditions had been perfect with the ocean glassy and the swell steady at five to six feet. He had surfed until he was too tired to surf any longer. He walked slowly up the beach with the wonderful exhaustion of a good morning session. Kate must be sleeping in so he tossed the board on its deck and sat on the bottom. Like he had done so many times back home. He lay down on the board and threw his arm across his eyes. It was not long before he was asleep.

  It was the whoop, whoop, whoop that woke Tom with a start; it was the sound of a Huey helicopter. For a second he didn't know where he was, the sun was in his eyes. He was hot. He was no longer lying on a surfboard on a Malibu beach. Instead he was sitting next to Mac and Bulldog as they were coming into an LZ. They sat in the door of the helicopter with their feet hanging out, dangling over the ground as the pilot banked the aircraft to make their final run into the LZ. The thick lush green jungle passed below their feet and the helicopter descended into the Landing Zone. It would have been beautiful if they were not about to assault an unknown number of NVA. Suddenly it sounded like someone was banging on the side of the helicopter. They had started taking ground fire.

  "Goddamn it's hot" Mac screamed slamming a round into the chamber of his M16.

  Tom hated the feeling of sitting in the door of the chopper like he was some kind of flying target at a shooting gallery. They were almost on the ground when Bulldog suddenly fell straight back and lay still. Tom looked over to see a neat little hole in the middle of Bulldog's forehead. Blood was pouring out of the back of helmet.

  "Fuck this." Tom screamed and grabbed Mac and pulled him out of helicopter.

  They jumped the last fifteen feet to the ground landing hard. As soon as they cleared the helicopter Tom heard a strange crunching sound. He landed and looked back, the helicopter they had just jumped out of was gyrating widely before it suddenly lurched and rolled to the left and crashed into the LZ. No else could get out before the crash. Tom saw no movement in the chopper. He and Mac were the only one's to make it out alive. Tom could see blood all over the cockpit where the pilot and co-pilot were slumped in their harnesses. They spent four days trapped on that LZ before more supplies and reinforcements could get to them. The platoon ran out of food and water. They were close to running out of ammunition when a company was finally able to reinforce what was left of their platoon. It still took them more a week to finally get out of that damned valley. They had started to call it the Valley from Hell.

  He sat up suddenly sweat pouring. More sweat than the California afternoon would produce. He was breathing hard and his heart was racing. It had been so much more than a memory. He had been there. Right back in it. Right back in the shit. He looked at his hands they were shaking. He looked up and saw the two helicopters pass by about a couple of hundred feet up. The pilots must be joy riding looking at the girls getting airtime but the sound had taken him back. Back to Nam. He was never going to leave that place. He was not coming back this time. He suddenly felt it, deep somewhere that knew things that his mind didn't. All he could do was sit there and stare out the ocean as the realization washed over him like some rogue wave from the ocean.

  He felt cold and alone. He couldn't move. He just sat there staring out at the ocean trying to deal what he knew now was going to be his fate. He wondered what does a nineteen year old do with the knowledge that he was going to die soon, and there was nothing he could do about. Mac had always said they were dead they just didn't know it yet. He was right. He was dead but now he knew it.

  Kate had been watching him for some time. She had slept in and gotten up to fix a lunch for them. She had expected him in long before now. She walked out to the balcony and saw him sitting on the surfboard staring out at the ocean. He must be enjoying the waves she thought. She would let him have his time. She went inside to finish fixing the lunch. She made some ham sandwiches and got out plates and set two places. She opened a beer and went back onto the balcony. He had not moved. He was just sitting there not moving.

  She lit a cigarette and sat on a chair and began to watch him. She had the strangest feeling that something wasn't right. The longer she sat there the more concerned she became. Something was wrong. She finished her cigarette and beer and he still had not moved. She tried to fight the growing fear that something serious was going on. She walked slowly toward him watching him closely.

  As she got closer she realized that he didn't just have his arms around his legs but he was clutching them. Clutching them so hard that his knuckles were white. He was rocking back and forth. You wouldn't notice the rocking unless you were close but he was rocking slowly back and forth. She tried to summon as cheerful a voice as she could and said.

  "Hey babe I got your lunch ready. Why don't you come on in and will have some sandwiches."

  "I'm not hungry."

  He said it without ever turning his head. She did not like the tone of his voice it was different. Different than she had ever heard.

  "Come on babe you've been out here for hours come on in and have a beer if you’re not hungry."

  "I told you I wasn't fucking hungry. Not leave me the fuck alone."

  "Tom please..."

  When he turned toward her Kate took a step backwards. Those eyes were back; the eyes filled with so much pain and suffering.

  "What do I have to do to get you leave me fucking alone."

  Kate stood there not sure what to do. Then she realized the best thing to do was to leave him alone. She knew they was nothing she could say or do to change those eyes. Something had happened and he was trying to deal with it. Whatever it was it big and frightening.

  She walked slowly back to the house. Looking back over shoulder again and again but he never changed his position. He had never talked to that way, ever. Something was very wrong. She tried to sit down on the balcony to keep watch on him but she found she could not sit still. She began to pace back and forth watching the lone figure on the surfboard. She smoked cigarette after cigarette trying to calm down but she was getting truly scared now. She glanced at the clock it had been close to two hours now since she first saw him out there and he showed no signs of moving. Finally she knew what she had to do.

  She raced to the phone and prayed as she dialed Jack office number. Please be there. Please be there. It began to ring. Jack picked it up on the third ring.

  "Jack it's me."

  "What's the matter you sound strange?"

  "It's Tom. Something happened. He went surfing this morning as usual and when he finished he been sitting on his board staring out at the ocean for over two hours. When I tried to get him to c
ome in he just screamed at me to get away. Jack he's not moving it just sitting they’re rocking back and forth staring at the ocean. I don't know what to do."

  "Shit. I will be right there."

  "Should I try again?"

  "No, no don't do anything until I get there. I'm leaving now."

  Kate went back out on the balcony and lit another cigarette and began her pacing again.

  CHAPTER 33

  Jack slammed the front door and yelled.

  "Kate, Kate honey where are you?"

  Kate came running in from the balcony and threw herself into his arms.

  "Oh, God Jack I am so worried. I have no idea. He hasn't moved since I called you. That means it is close to three hours he's been out there not moving. Jack what could it be? What could have happened?"

  Jack looked down into the beautiful face that he cared so much about and saw that she was crying. He had never seen her cry before. He had wondered if she could.

  "Honey if I had to make a guess. The war came to visit in some very unpleasant way and he is struggling with dealing with it."

  "But how? We're a thousand miles away. He's on one of the most beautiful and peaceful beaches in the world. What could have set it off?"

  "Sweetie I don't know but I do know it can be the oddest things that can set you off."

  "How do you know?"

  "Because I was the same way for a long time."

  "But you've never talked about the war or anything."

  "No and I won't."

  "But Jack.."

  "Look now is not the time for me to explain how I dealt with the war. I need to get down there and help our young Marine. Now do me a favor and grab a six pack of tall boys out of the fridge while I change."