After a few songs like that, she came up right beside me where I was standing. She squeezed herself in between me and some other guy at the bar. She was smiling this huge smile, there was sweat around her forehead. I wanted to say something to her but I didn’t know what to say. I felt the heat coming off her. She got a drink of water and then she started moving her upper body in time to the music. Her breasts kept touching my arm. Suddenly she turned to me and said, ‘I’m going home now, I want you to come.’ I’d never had that experience before – I mean, of a woman coming on to me like that.
‘How’d you think that everyone couldn’t see you? Don’t you think there’s a problem with exposing your cock like that in public?’
Her voice sounded so mean now. She was making fun of me. I looked down at the lines in the floor. Then I heard her boots stomping down the hallway. I followed her. I felt like a child. My hands were clasped behind my back.
When we were in her bedroom, she stood by the dark window and looked out. I tried to approach her but she pushed me away. It was like she was mad at me. I didn’t even know this girl and already she was mad! She motioned for me to come over in front of her. She arranged it so that my body pressed right up against the window. Then she went behind me.
She put her hands on the sides of my ass. Her breasts were pressing into my back. That felt good. But then she moved her palms down to my tailbone and she started tapping. It made me shift on my feet. Then a rush of heat blew up in my face, so hot that I thought it was the radiator or something. She was scooping her hands under my balls. She started squeezing my sac. I let out deep groans, I couldn’t help it. No girl had ever touched me there like that. It felt really fucking good.
She heard how I was enjoying it, though, and she stopped. She put her hands back on my tailbone for a second and then she reached around and unzipped my pants. She took off my shirt and pulled off my pants and underwear. She stayed completely clothed. She turned me by the hips to face her. I didn’t really know what she wanted. She put her hands on my shoulders. Her arms were so strong. She pushed me down until I was on my knees.
I had the urge to yell, to say something, but my breath was coming out in these short sucking gasps. I’d wanted her so bad at the bar. Now it felt like long lines of heat were shooting from my ears to my knees. I was getting all soft in the gut, hard in my cock. The girl was cradling my chin in her palms. She slid my head toward her like that, by the jaw. My face ended up at her crotch. She pulled up her skirt and put my head under. My nose got crushed in her warm underwear. She opened her thighs a little. She was clutching me so hard by the back of my head.
I put my tongue on her underwear. I was trying to lick through. I heard the girl moaning. She was swivelling her hips, bending her knees around my shoulders. I opened my mouth wider so that I could take down her panties with my teeth. I got them down like that to her thighs. She wiggled the rest of the way to step out of them. Now she really spread open her thighs. Her naked pussy was over my face. It was wet and swollen. It got so hot under her skirt. My whole face was melting. Her cunt above me was a balloon about to break open. I started pushing my mouth up to her thick lips, moving my whole head side to side. She started rocking her hips in time with me, her pelvis humping back and forth. I could feel her thighs quivering on my cheeks. I heard her murmuring and I rubbed my tongue all over the place where she was hardest, soaking. I wanted to hear her keep moaning. It was fucking hot.
But then she started pinching the skin on the back of my neck while I was sucking. And she cranked her hips at my face, side to side, so it felt like she was punching my cheeks. I was going to get bruises. I wanted to stick my tongue like a beak all the way up her pussy to hurt her too. I kept letting her lead, though, touching her clit with my lips while she banged me. The girl’s nails were clawing at my neck. I knew she was trying to come. She was someone who had to try hard to come. It was crazy and it hurt but I loved feeling her tries. I whipped my head to help her along, I wanted to go deeper inside her, bite her, make her fucking freak out and scream. She kept grunting. It got faster and faster but I didn’t know if she was coming. It felt like her cunt was opening all over my face.
Then, I don’t know why, she started sliding away from me, wiggling backward. I couldn’t stop moving my head. My face was all slick with her. Her skirt flew up over my head like a parachute. I was kneeling there, on her bedroom floor in the dark, holding my hard dick with one rubbing hand. My tongue was numb. I knew she was watching me. She looked like a gold-plated statue of God. She looked like the shining evil angel of some dusty store window. I was pumping myself, doing it so fast, I couldn’t help myself, and I felt a spurting, one white second all over my fist! I did it right in front of her. She started laughing at me.
‘Fool!’
She glared down at me from her leather-booted perch. ‘Look at you. Look what you just did.’ She took a pillowcase off a pillow from her bed. She threw the thing at me. ‘Clean yourself up! Come on. Do it.’
I used the pillowcase to wipe around my cock. My chin felt like a rock on my chest.
‘You can do that faster, can’t you?’
The pillowcase smelled. I wasn’t sure if she was serious, I mean, her reprimanding tone. I was trying to go faster, but my fingers wouldn’t move. The pillowcase was sticking to my cock. Then she slapped the side of my head and yelled, ‘Come on, do it faster!’
I felt like I was going to burst out laughing. But I also felt like I was going to bawl. I couldn’t belive what she was trying with me.
The next thing I knew she had a handful of my hair and she started yanking me down the hallway. I had to scurry like a big dog behind her. She stopped when we got to the bathroom. I felt my knees hard on the shining white floor. It was bright, almost blue. I wanted my knees on the shaggy bath mat. My head was still hung.
‘I want it again,’ the girl commanded. ‘And I want you to do it better this time.’
Her knees lined up in front of my eyes. I was into her game because I wanted to beat her. She was sitting on the toilet, lifting up her skirt. Her boots looked fucking ominous. I tried to stop smiling. She opened her thighs and pulled my face in toward her cunt. I had never seen a pussy so close in bright light. It was red and smashed and shorn under there, her dark purple cunt lips coming apart. I saw something inside, too, that was beating in pulses. She was spreading herself even wider with her fingers. There were short hairs all around her lips and her thighs in the pattern of water. She got wider and wider, it was like a circle was breaking deep up her centre. It looked like a wheel, with spokes facing in. Her pussy skin shone. I wanted to suck it and kiss it. I never knew it was so bright like that, I never knew.
‘You are my slave. You are my knight-in-shining slave.’
I laughed. Yeah! I could be her fucking slave. She held the back of my head and forced me into her. It was exactly what I wanted her to do. I used my tongue like a big fish going up. I wanted to push it even harder this time. I didn’t want to mistake this girl’s orgasm again. I slid my tongue in and out and in and out and then I rubbed her cunt with my lips from her ass to her clit, using my hands to hold her ass cheeks apart. I slid her forward on the toilet. She was shocked by my grip. I was breathing in time with her thrusting, in time with her cunt, us both going fast, and when I poked my tongue in her asshole she screamed and she tightened. I could hear her pussy like a heart pumping blood. I went back to her there because I knew she wanted that more and I put a finger in her ass and I fucked her completely. I rose up, attached, with her screaming and coming, not letting her go. Her pussy convulsed all over my face. I was right there inside, I was right there for this.
MAN NO. 7
She was walking toward me on the sidewalk. It was a weird time to see her because I thought she worked during the days. I hadn’t seen her in a long time. Or it felt like a long time. Her face had gotten bigger. Maybe just he
r lips were set tighter. It was strange. Her eyes weren’t as wide or as glassy as I’d remembered. She looked almost menacing. I was thinking: She still looks good, the way that she walks, the way she walks and shakes her hips.
When she saw me, though, it was like she froze for a second. I caught that even though we were still pretty far apart. That was when she got this ‘fuck you’ look in her eyes. She kept walking the same way, looking over the top of my head. I could feel my tongue going dry. I stood where I was and waited for her to get to me. My thighs felt stiff. I didn’t know why I was swallowing so hard.
I knew that I wouldn’t be able to tell her what I was thinking. How I wanted to say that I was sorry how it ended with us. I’d felt like shit for four months. Fuck, her face was menacing. I thought that maybe she was going to get mad at me for what happened. I didn’t want to hear it. I couldn’t think about that last night that I was with her: the line of sweat on the top of her forehead, her hair pulled back, how that anger like a blackness took all of me. She’d taken me over, but not as this person in front of me now. I mean, she’d been a weak girl before, a needy girl, a girl not taking care of herself. I hated what she’d done with her body that night, how she looked dancing with her lips pushing out like she wanted to kiss me.
‘Hey. How’s it going? I haven’t seen you in a long time.’
She was smiling at me. She wasn’t mad. I realized up close that her lips weren’t tighter, they were actually more relaxed. And her skin almost looked like it was golden, shining. I didn’t understand the pull of this girl. I wanted to hug her or reach for her, but I couldn’t. I was still uncomfortable. I knew I had to say something to her.
‘Yeah, it’s been a while. I’m okay. How are you?’
Fuck. I wanted to be as casual as she was. I knew she didn’t forget that night. How could she? I’d never hit a girl before. It was a nightmare. It took me over. I’d never hit a girl before! Thinking about her with all those other men, the sweat on her forehead, her licking her lips. I didn’t want to see how she was in the world. When I saw her like that I got rabid. I got sick.
But with her in front of me now, I remember how she was with me: she made me feel so good, too, she made me feel like she loved me. I wanted to believe her smiling at me. I didn’t want to think she was lying. I felt anxious for a second, what to believe, her standing, her smiling, right there in front of me. All I wanted to do was set the whole thing right.
‘So … do you want to come by?’ she asked.
The expression on her face was open, but I still didn’t know if she had really forgiven me.
We started walking toward her place. We weren’t talking, but I realized that just walking with her was relaxing me. I’d been with a few other girls since I’d last seen her and things were okay with them, but it wasn’t the same. I didn’t know what it was about this girl. She never asked for anything from me and she wasn’t asking now either. For a second I thought: She’s just like me.
When we got up to her place, though, something changed. The air in there was heavy. It smelled like an animal’s pen. It was cramped. I couldn’t believe how much takeout garbage was on her couch. Empty wine bottles with candles lined the walls. Who the fuck lives like this? This girl lives like this? Right away I thought I shouldn’t have come. I started sweating. I didn’t know if I felt like having sex with her. I didn’t think I could.
I followed her down the hallway into her bedroom. It was filled with the sun. She seemed like she was in such a good mood.
Her bed was close to the floor. It was piled with sheets. I couldn’t look away from that bed. There was a bloodstain, a coffee stain, the smell of fucking sex.
‘Look up,’ she said, smiling.
There was a hook screwed into her ceiling with a piece of rope hanging down. There was another hook linked to the rope that stuck out of the wall, a pulley system.
‘What’s all that for?’
The second I spoke, though, I wished that I hadn’t even engaged. My whole face got cold. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted her, trusted that she forgave me.
‘I can’t believe you left me like that.’
Her voice had turned furious. My eyes went down to the floor. I knew it. I was sorry. I thought for a second that I was going to scream that out. My fucking sorry, my humble, my need for her again. But I pressed my lips together. I didn’t know what I felt in my life anymore.
‘You never cared a thing for me, did you?’
‘That’s not me. I did.’
I said that too fast.
‘What. Fuck, what exactly did you feel for me?’
My teeth started chattering. She’d never talked to me like this.
‘You didn’t feel a thing for me and you know it.’
I couldn’t speak now. She was doing something bad to me. My eyes were stuck on the squares in the floor.
‘I can’t be with you,’ she said. ‘I can’t be with someone who doesn’t feel anything for me, someone who never says anything good, like you. If you’re going to hurt me, see, you’d better love me. I can only be with someone who hurts me if they love me. You can’t do it. I can’t be with you.’
I was trying to understand her. I didn’t understand everything she was saying. The sun was making me drip with fresh sweat. I felt it on my forehead. It was like she was talking for me, and what she was saying wasn’t what I would say.
‘You felt nothing for me!’ She was yelling now. ‘I don’t even care if you did feel something. I don’t care what you felt for me!’
God, it wasn’t true what she was saying! I knew that if I spoke now, though, I was going to cry. I swallowed hard. My chest caved in.
‘I know what I’m saying is true, okay?’
Her voice softened up a bit when she said that, but I knew now that she was disgusted. She was disgusted with me. All the things I never did for her. I wanted to leave her place right then. I felt like I had nothing. My teeth chattered more. It was hot in her bedroom. She walked up close to me. I felt like I was in a dream where I was trying to yell but I couldn’t, where I was so angry but I couldn’t say a word, where all these people were forcing me out of a room, groups of people, hating me. I felt my mouth cranking open in slow motion but there was nothing coming out, nothing.
She was pulling a chair up behind my back. She stood up on it so that her body was near my head. She gripped under both my arms and lifted them up. She started fixing my hands together with hanging rope. She wound the rope around my fingers first, then tight around both my wrists. I remembered what she’d said when she’d made me do the same thing to her: tie me tie me tie me back up! I heard her breathing hard. Then she went over to the wall and stood on her bed to yank the end of the cord from the hook that was there. My two arms were being lifted over my head. I couldn’t stop it because I couldn’t tell her what I wanted to say.
When she came back around in front of me, holding the rope like a leash, she looked like she was proud of herself. I was swallowing, swallowing, still trying to say something.
‘Look,’ she said impatiently, ‘it’s okay. Nothing matters now.’
Then she unzipped my pants. My cock got hard right away. My armpits were open. I felt the sun burn my back.
She pulled off my pants and stared at my penis. She was looking at it without love. My weight sunk in my gut. I thought I was going to be sick. My arms felt like they were invisible.
‘The last man I had was a lot like you, you know,’ she said.
She was pulling her shirt over her head. I’d never heard her talk about anyone else she’d been with. My eyelids got heavy. She stripped to her bra and underwear. It was a sports bra, panties.
‘I think that guy might be wounded for life!’ she laughed. ‘I mean, how can you go back to regular sex after you’ve been held down and fuc
ked by a hot bitch like me?’
She was speaking so clearly. I didn’t want to hear it and I wanted to hear it. There was nothing I could do. I watched her mouth move.
‘That last guy really begged me to treat him the worst that I could imagine. It was a bit strange at first, but then I got into it. When I yelled at him things like: Get on the ground, fool, and Don’t you fucking hear me? it was like I always knew how to curse at the men I’d allowed to go inside of me.
‘That guy’s head would wobble on his neck like a chicken. He didn’t know how to look up at me directly. I felt like I could pinch his balls. I could kick him, choke him, put things in his ass. I wanted to see that guy cry. I wanted to see blood come out of his nose. I wanted to straddle him naked, fuck on his face.
‘I liked how his fear filled up my bedroom. Every time I sucked in, I got a mouthful of it.
‘This one time I put the spike of my heel right on the rim of his asshole, his asshole that I made go up in the air. I couldn’t stop laughing when I did that. He was howling and I was laughing. I pushed my heel in, gently, but I did it, right in the hole. These horrible sounds came from his gut. I kept doing it, pushing in like a dart, like I had a bull’s eye. I knew it was too much for him because just one extra, tiny little thrust and he bolted away from me, his whole body jerking spastically. Fool! You fool! I was screaming. You’re going to get it!
‘I hated him so much right then that he couldn’t take it. I caught him and I stuck my heels into the back of his wrists. I walked up and down his arms in my heels. I wanted this guy in agony. And even though he was howling, I knew he wanted it. I walked on his ass. I poked holes in his flesh. Nothing I was doing felt like enough. I bent down and started slapping and scratching the backs of his thighs. I couldn’t stop until I broke through his skin. Until the welts I’d made were shining with blood, until he was barely moving.
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