by Jaci J
Gin gets one good crack at my jaw before Lows between us looking like he's about ready to murder the both of us. Good, put me out of my misery. “Take your shit outside or sit the fuck down.” Turning his eyes to Lil he looks her up and down. He doesn't look happy. “Lil, chapel. Now!” With one last look at me she closes her eyes and leaves. Stupid bitch is about to get my ass killed. She's going to go in there and cry to daddy. Fuck. I'm a fucking idiot for sticking my dick anywhere near that. Was it worth dying over? Fuck … Stitch shoves past me headed for the front door. “What in the hell is wrong with you?” Peaches sneers from beside Gin. Great the whole fucking family is here to witness my fucking mess. “You know exactly what my fuckin' problem is,” I bite out at her. I'm sure she has something to do with Lil leaving. Convincing her to go and shit. Conniving bitches. She looks confused, that shit is as fake as the whore’s tits that were just grinding on my dick. “I don't. Would you like to enlighten me asshole,” she retorts with a snap. Before I can remind her of her friends little plan the chapel door slams open. Lil's eyes are wet and Low looks like he's out for blood. “Peaches take Lil home now. I'll be right behind.” Those pissed off eyes swing to me. Time to kiss my ass good bye. “Chapel,” he grates turning on his heels storming back inside. One word signing my death certificate. Fallowing Low Lil walks right past me. She smashes into me hard. Elbow in my ribs. I swear to God I hate that bitch, because I don't fucking hate her at all. “He put a bullet in my God damn head because of you bitch, you best be cryin' at my goddamn funeral. Big ass tears.” Slamming the door behind me Low goes to his seat. I stand by the door. I'm not about to get comfortable for this. “The fuck is goin' on in my God damn club?” he asks gruffly. That bitch whined to daddy. “What'd she tell ya?” Sighing he sticks his cigar back into his mouth taking a drag. He blows out a puff of smoke before he starts. “Said y'all had an argument. She just asked for a ride home.” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She kept her mouth shut. She is a good little soldier, better than I thought. Shit.
“What'd ya do to her?” Low asks me. Blame directed right at me. Damn, I knew this shit would happen. “I know you two fucks got some shit goin' on.” For the first time in my life I'm speechless. He knows? What the fuck. We've been doing this shit in private all while he knew? “Fuck, you know?” He looks at me like I'm the stupidest motherfucker alive. Right now I very well could be. This could either be really fucking bad or pretty fucking bad; neither is going to end well in my favor. “Not the God damn president for nothin'. I know shit. Why in the fuck you think I had you watch her?” Fuck me. He continues ignoring my gaped mouth stare. I need a fucking smoke and another drink for this shit. “I saw it on your face the moment she walked her ass into the chapel. Shit I talked about her enough, knew you'd be interested. You got a dick don't ya?” All this shit blows my mind. Scratching my head I'm not sure what to say. “I know you're loyal. I knew you'd take care of her. Better you than some fuckin' rich asshole doctor. Or God forbid a cop. Got tired of meetin' her lame ass boyfriends. I don't particularly love the idea of my baby with any man, rather it be my own VP than someone else. Need someone to keep her safe when I'm dead. Swear to God you don't fix whatever the fuck you did, I'll let her at you. If she doesn’t kill you, I will. I'll enjoy every agonizing second of it.” The weight of my fuck up pushing down on me. Shit. I've fucked shit up big time. “So whatever issue you two have, fix it. I'm not losing her. You're a good brother and I'd rather not have to kill you. So figure it the fuck out.” God damn it I have to find Lil.
Lil
The drive back to my dad's is filled with silence. The air in the car is stifling. Suffocating me slowly. My face hurts from the perpetual frown etched into it. My eyes feel puffy and swollen from unshed tears. Peaches stopped asking me if I was okay after I snapped at her. Fuck no I'm not okay. I just want to get home pack my shit and leave. No talking. No discussing. I want to leave and get as far away from Tank as I can. Broke my heart all over a phone call. All this over one phone fucking call. I hate him for making me want to leave when all I really want is to be with my family, with him. I had never planned to stay when I first came back. My life is back in Seattle where I left it. I've never been so torn, but I would have made it work. I would have figured it out. I want Tank, but I want my life. There would have been a solution. If I had time I would have worked something out. The want to stay and the need to go waging a vicious war on my emotions. I worked to damn hard to give up the life I created for myself. That's all I ever wanted was to branch off. Be myself. Create my own life. But the want to stay runs deep. The sense of safety, love, and acceptance the club offers me is hard to throw away. They are my family. My sense of family ingrained in me so deep it's hard to ignore. It's hard to give them up, give Tank up. I hadn't planned on Tank hearing that conversation. I wasn't going to lie about it either. I had to tell Professor Wagner something. Had to come up with a plan first. He was going to fill my position. I had to stall until I figured out what my plan was. The thought of never seeing Tank again hurts. He's become such a huge part of my life. A huge part of me. Seeing him tonight I wonder if I ever knew him to begin with. Those words cut deep. The way he looked at me like I was nothing hurt the worse. Shutting off my emotions I stare numbly out the window praying I can get out of here soon.
Walking into the dark house something feels off the moment I open the front door. The air feels different, heavy and still. There are no sounds. No movement. My senses frayed my body antsy. Peaches fallows behind me shutting the door. The click of the door meeting the frame echoes in the deadly silence. The lock sliding shut rattles with deafening sound. It all happens in excruciatingly slow motion. My blood pumping with adrenaline and fear. My brain screams to move, to do something. My feet rooted to the old wood floor. The flick of the light switch loud and angry. They're covered from head to toe in black. Their faces hidden behind black ski masks. Voices muffled behind thick material. Hands armed with guns. The detail on each gun prominent and elaborate. Shiny silver, angry black metal. Somewhere in the back of my mind I register Peaches scream, followed by that deafening silence again. All of it inconsequential to the person standing in the door way across the room. The air in my lungs seizes. My heart rate slows. My hands shake. A cold sweat trickles down my back. Eyes fight to blink away the man standing in front of me. Starring at me like I'm staring at him. Everything stops. “Josh?”
Brown hair kept short and neat, hangs haphazardly and messy to his shoulders now. Those funny, kind green eyes are now hard and dull. That boyish charming face is now tired and mean, marred with a deep scar on his cheek, running from ear to mouth. His once tall, slightly skinny body now big and filled out. No longer clean cut and put together. His clothes dingy and dirty. This man in front of me isn't my Josh. “Josh?” My voice broken to my own ears. Those once happy, always smiling lips curl into a sad semblance of the once sweet smile he had. “Lilly, my sweet sweet Lilly.” His deep voice growls from the door way. I can feel the anger in his voice. The hurt in the way he says my name. My mind stumbles to find words. Fights to find an explanation. I watched him die. I held his dead lifeless body. Washed his blood off of me. I buried him. “I … you … I … you died. I watched you die,” I sputter helplessly. My voice broken and laced with confusion. Shaking his head slowly he steps towards me. Watching him walk, breathe, live shakes me to my soul. “Looks can be deceiving Lilly.” A tear escapes my eye. My heart trying desperately to beat out of my chest. “No. I watched it. I … I don't understand. … How?” Time begins to spin fast. Everything morphing into a messy blur. The back door slams open. Tanks beautifully furious face fills my line of sight. Tank. Those men are on him before my next breathe leaves my lips. A loud crack rolls around the room. Tanks big body hits the floor hard. My eyes find Peaches and Tank on the ground. My heart plummets. No!
Sitting on my bed my eyes trained on Tank and Peaches bodies. I wait for something from them. Anything to quell this nervous knot in my gut. Both sat in my kitchen chairs facing me. Hand
s tied behind them. Thick pieces of rope fastened to their wrists. Arms handcuffed to the old radiator bolted to my bedroom wall. Feet bound to the chairs. Six men in all black holding guns to them, promising death at any provocation. My hate and anger for Tank now inconsequential. I'm only able to focus on the worry and uncertainty of the situation. My mind still trying to digest Josh. He's alive. He's alive and here. “I would never leave you Lilly,” Josh says pacing back and forth in front of me, looking ready to pounce. Gun in his hand. Tapping the barrel restlessly in his palm. His thinning patients not lost on me. My eyes catch movement from Tank. My heart skips a beat. “Lil?” His voice thick and confused. Blinking a few times it all seems to all hit him at once. Jerking around in his restraints his eyes fly to mine. Eying his restraints then looking to me for some sort of an answer or explanation. I have none. Eyes all over the room. I can see the need for understanding in those beautiful blue eyes. Yanking on the ropes, the metal cuffs clank into the metal of the radiator. Trying hopelessly to break the ropes and metal, his movements desperate. Those beautiful features distorted with anger and rage. I silently beg him not to fight. Not to fight for me. “What the fuck? Lil, baby. You okay?” Two large men behind me guns pointed at my head. I'm not okay, but I'm faring better than him. Before I can speak Josh answers for me. “Don't fuckin' talk to her. You got a question, you ask me.” Josh's voice threaded with forced patients. Both men face off. “Fuck you. … Lil?” Tank barks at Josh, eyes on me. One guy smacks Tank with the butt of his gun. A hard blow, Tank grunts in pain. “No Tank,” I clip trying to stop him from pushing Josh. He can't. They'll kill him. “You heard my girl. Shut the fuck up,” Josh says with a hint of tease to his words. Egging Tank on. He's looking for a reason to kill him “Your girl? … I'll kill you motherfucker,” Tank snaps pulling on his restraints violently. Another blow to his head has blood trickling down his brow to his cheek. Seeing his blood makes me queasy. “Please, Tank,” my voice only a horse whisper. Turning eyes to Josh I feel the anger work its way up. Why is he doing this? “I don't understand what's goin' on. What are you doin' here.” He looks from me to Tank, a sick smile on his face. He looks to be thinking about his answer. “Josh?” Those green eyes back on me. Groaning he almost looks to be in pain. “You know how fuckin' long I've waited to hear you say my name again?” He demands harshly. Hands on my face, one hand gripping my chin roughly. Shaking my head I swallow the lump down. “Don't fuckin' touch her!” Tank shouts, his words cut short by another blow. Josh laughs bitterly, “keep goin' like this I won't have to kill ya.” This is bad. Worse than I ever could have imagined. “Eight God damn miserable fuckin' years Lilly,” he yells at me shaking my face between his hands. Eight years? He still didn't answer my question. “Why?” Turning eyes on me, ever so slightly they soften. “For you Lilly. I did this all for you. So I can finally have you.”
I feel sick. My stomach fights to expel its contents. Have me? He once had me. Gave it up for another club. Shaking my head I try to put it together. “What are you goin' to do with me?” My voice shakes. Smiling he reaches a hand out to me. Flinching away he chuckles. I can see that my fear is causing him some enjoyment. Running a finger down my cheek he sighs contently. Something sick passes his face. I can hear Tanks growl from across the room. I silently pray he doesn't say anything. I can't watch them hit him again. “Take you home so we can finally be together like you always wanted baby.” Long buried conversations float to the surface of my mind. Sixteen, lying in the bed of Josh's truck looking at the stars. Telling him I always wanted to be together. Tears rush my eyes. I let that dream die with him. He died and took that with him. I've moved on. “Josh I was sixteen,” I practically plead. He has to know that was another life time ago. I've moved on. His eyes flare with anger. Hands shaking in rage. “You tellin' me you don't love me bitch?” His voice harsh and accusatory. Too scared to argue I shake my head again. Biting my cheek I will the tears away. The anger ebbs at seeing my face, bringing the soft back to his features. “Baby, I bought you a house. Got you a car. Filled the house with all the things you love. You'll love it. You were mine, still are. Meant to always be mine.” The hope in his eyes bright. Looking up at Tank I feel sick. Everything about Tank a mask of hard and cold. He looks indifferent, but it’s in his eyes. In those eyes I can see the loss, the hurt, the worry. This is all a terrible dream. “What about my family?” My eyes still on Tank. He can't hurt them. I won't let him. Fallowing my eyes I can see the hate and loathing he has for Tank. For a man he hardly knows. Hate for a man I love. “You have two options Lilly. Pack a bag and come with me, the piece of shit lives. Don't want to come with me, I take you anyways and the piece of shit dies. All very simple.” Still trying to wrap my heard around it I ask the one question eating away at me all of a sudden. “Why?” Those eyes soften again. Hand on me cheek, face close to mine. “Because Lilly, it kills me to see you cry. I kill him, you'll cry. I don't want that. I hate when you cry. Always have. I won't kill him, because he won't come looking for you. He knows if he looks for you I'll kill you. You come with me, you're mine. You're mine in life and death Lilly.” I knew my choice the moment the words left his mouth. I'd die before I watch Tank die. I'd give my life for his, no questions asked. “Okay,” I whisper. A satisfied smile settles on his greedy face. Giving Tank a disgusting snarled smile Josh laughs. He won. “No! Fuck no, Lil.” Tank shouts, struggling in the chair trying to get to me. It hurts to damn much to watch him fight for me. Squaring my shoulders I prepare to fight for Tanks life. I shut my emotions down. Looking Tank in the eyes I say the worse things I can think of. “I don't love you, it's always been him. I want to go with Josh.” Grabbing around my waist Josh hauls me to him. A happy smile on his face. Kissing my lips, smelling of alcohol and smoke. My body revolts, fights to push him away. I shove it down. “Get the fuck away from her. … Lil, baby. … You don't mean that shit,” Tank's voice hurt and desperate. I won’t look at him again, I can't. “I want Josh.” My eyes on the floor. I can't look at the heartbreak I know that's on Tanks face. Clapping his hands Josh beams. “Pack a small bag baby.” A life for a life. Tank has his life, Josh now has mine.
17
Tank
I should have never said any of that shit to her. I should have never hurt her like that. My need to make her hurt caused the worse kind of damage. It’s a damage I may never be able to come back from. None of this would have happened if I hadn't been so careless with her. I did her untold damage. I broke a heart made of gold. Crushed her. I hurt the only person I've ever loved. … My wrists are sore, stiff, and burn like a son of a bitch. I can feel the trickle of blood from my wrists running down my palms. Fought so damn hard against these cuffs to get to her I'm pretty sure both wrists are broken. My head fucking throbs right along with my erratic heartbeat. My jaw hurts from keeping my mouth shut. Fuck my whole God damn body hurts. My heart hurts worse. Broke her heart at the club and now I let that motherfucker get her. The idea I'll never get to apologize is enough to make me sick. The hurt my body feels doesn't compare. Lil's gone. That sick sadistic motherfucker took my girl. Watching those sad eyes harden with steel reserve I saw the fight in my baby. Her words cut deep. I'm not sure I'll ever forget that. I keep telling myself that was all bullshit for the walking dead guy, but part of me thinks her words were true. Fuck the way I treated her I wouldn't blame her. I'm fucked. I'm fucking stuck. Stuck watching him touch my girl. Kiss my girl. Stuck watching her pack a bag and leave willingly. Never once did she look at me after she said those words. I can feel my mind and sanity slowly starting to slip. Every second that ticks by is a second further away from me she gets. I can feel that shit in my bones. I feel her sickening absence. “Ahh,” Peaches grumbles from beside me. I've been watching her, waiting for her to wake her ass up. Wondering when she'd come back around. I all but gave up on yelling at her. She was out cold. Spent fifteen minutes starring at her restraints. Studying that shit. For some fucking miracle they didn't cuff her to the radiator. “Peaches, wake yo
ur ass up.” Her heads bobs around a little. Eyelids fluttering. Mind coming in and out of it. “What the fuck … Lil?” Peaches seems to remember shit. Her shrill voice attacks at my ear. “Calm the fuck down Peaches. It's … me … Tank. We gotta get us untied.” Red puffy eyes swing to me. Sheer panic and worry on her pinched features. “Lil? Oh God! He … she … Josh was here. Oh my fuckin' God!” Her body shaking, eyes frantically searching the room. Tears flowing down her cheeks. If I wasn't tied the fuck up I'd smack the shit out of her, calm her the fuck down. The longer she stalls the less time I have. And I don't have time to waist. “Shut the fuck up women. Yes that was the dead guy Josh. No I don't know how he's alive. Yes I know you saw him die. No I don't know where or why he took Lil.” I try to run off all the answer to her unasked questions. “Listen you're not cuffed to the radiator. I need you to try to get free and untie me.”